Reviews for Chrono Trigger: The Sands of Time
Ganheim chapter 26 . 7/4
Chapter 26
There are two types of mentalities in this world: optimism and pessimism
[And realism. And pragmatism…]

A pessimist is incredibly real and logical
[Whose thoughts are these? We need a who and where to set the scene and we don’t have any for this. Without a character voice, we’re being lectured by the writer]

no reason to be happy or expect things to change
[And yet people did even in the midst of the Black Death]

problems have been absolved
[Sins can be absolved, problems are solved]

force feeling into their legs
[Will can force movement into working muscles, but feeling is an internal neural working not dependent on will]

realized that Marle was
[Telling, skip to the showing]

made it the last time we tried anything
[They haven’t encountered Lavos yet, they don’t know particulars of what they face]

It would be best to
[No, don’t Tell us. Especially when you’re throwing presumptions at us, if you want world-details then give them from a character so you develop both the character and worldsetting. The classist presumption you make for Nadia and Lucca is classist to an insulting degree. Don’t tell us how great nobles are, tell us how altruistic *Nadia* is]

heart of a leader that had been carefully crafted since her birth
[The education to get away with Insider Trading in the Stock Market, and order thousands of serfs to their deaths as conscripts in ego-motivated wars to show off against other nobles?]

Chapter 27
silence…broken by the…wind
[wind is not silent. “leaving only the howl of the wind” might be what you’re looking for]

snake-like slits
[ Snakes can’t close their eyes]

Chapter 28
cobwebs were thick…abandoned long ago
[How would they know? Spotting a spider is difficult in good circumstances]

but I will do so anyway
[Show, don’t Tell. Also keep the focalization to character so you don’t slip into Author Intrusion]

were placed in evenly spaced places
[Unclear, repetitious]

webs in its wake
[ The portal doesn’t have a wake, it’s not moving]

which I have said
[Author Intrusion]

However, his hands
[This whole segment is unnecessary repetition]

It was truly
[Author intrusion? Not character-focal. Also doesn’t ground us in the scene (which is important in a time/dimension hopping story), but as you directly continue the previous scene I don’t think the scene separator should be there. Taking away the Author Intrusive Telling would help]

that she fully inspected
[Passive, wordy, and about 1.5 pages after they enter Robo’s room]

it was in decent shape…it was in deplorable condition
[This is why you avoid Telling when you can show. This disagreement is in the same paragraph, and your shown description is clear it’s in bad shape]

repaired ages ago, only it had not been started
[I have no clue what this means]

"What if it
[Do not EVER start a scene with dialog. Set the stage: the where, then when (in a time-traveling/hopping story), and the who. This could be generals looking at a mystic in the “modern day”, or cavemen hunters looking at a catatonic reptite]

It works on UGEE
[Then Prometheus would collapse, unpowered, when they went to the BC era before Lavos falls]

gears began to whirl (…silenced them
[So is it audible to the characters or not? You’re being confusing. Remember to focus on descriptions that a focal character can perceive and you’ll keep a much more consistent scene]

stood on its feel

machine was blocky and seemed stiff…moved with an effortless grace
[Self-contradictory telling]

fingers being pulled by gears and such the same way tendons
[Tendons are corded material, gears are small rotating fixtures]

sincere apology. "I must apologize
[Telling is repetitious]

I shall go by X
[That’s not in the game script. I applaud you]

detonate a weapon of mass destruction
[Directed explosives designed to breach specific sections of fortifications are older than firearms. “shaped charges” or at least ‘specialized explosives’ would be required, a weapon of mass destruction would be overkill and a robot from the era would know that]

supply the pumps
[There are pumps now?]

forgot what Robo said his series was
[There’s always that internet thing you’re posting this story on. Or the classic fallback: T-800]

I like the idea of a novelization. You succeed in giving the characters distinct personalities and use the canon as more of a guide than chain, so things still felt fresh even though we saw the same mile markers. However, you have so much Telling Not Showing that I can't overlook those (especially when they become monologues that may be pages long and can't come from a character) and the passive sentence construction that lots of new writers struggle with.
Sarah chapter 81 . 3/11
Good story I just tried to power through it in a few days and I enjoyed it immensely. I hope everything is going alright as I see it's been a while since an update. It's rather interesting to see the evolution of writing from the first chapter to this one. It makes me wonder how you'll handle the Fiona sidequest or the mother brain one with Robo, and I've been loving the hints with the thing with Marle's little arc with her father and the chancellor.
Guest chapter 81 . 3/3
Please continue this awesome tale, this is the best CT story on here
Andrew Gribbons chapter 81 . 2/15
I stumbled across your work earlier today when I was looking into emotions being a chrono trigger. I read several chapters over a couple of hours on my phone. I couldn't put it down. I was fascinated by the depth and exploration into the characters of one of my favorite all-time video games and stories. My search led me initially to the chapter in which Magus was talking about the two ways their magic could be strengthened, either by focusing on one goal, like he had, or by balancing oneself emotionally. Inventing the individual hardships of those climbing Death Mountain, and how Lavos preyed on their innermost desires - how Magus knew this is what Lavos could do, but still even he wasn't immune - silenced my mind and played my heart. Your creativity in making this story three dimensional is magnanimous. I thank you for being able to see through your eyes an accurate and believable breathe of life into characters I have loved since I was a boy. I hope to read more of your telling, should you continue into this endeavor towards its completion. Thank you. :)
Ganheim chapter 24 . 12/17/2015
Chapter 25
now barely legible
[Telling: they wouldn’t know without looking]

be a good time to tell
[Nope, but Showing might be nice. Lucca, being ridiculously technologically savvy (unless you take my idea of her being from 2000), could answer others’ questions about ‘what’s that box with a glass orb on one side’ and such]

as if they thought
[How is this point shown? Does somebody ask? Then skip to that]

answer there questions

grow slightly frustrated
[The adverb weakens the sentiment]

or brown anywhere
[There would be lots of brown]

here had affected
so that there was

in attempts to comfort her
[Unneeded Telling]

building could be seen
[passive. “screen zoomed in on a large, circular complex/structure”]

again you could see
[Taking us out of the character-focal scene]

green dots that were dense in some areas
[Lots of dots in the same areas, or larger splotches? This phrasing indicates the former, but your later description indicates the latter]

They were quite amazed

amounts of UGEE (unexplained geothermal
[Another reason I avoid acronyms: the audience has to be taught them, but you also have to use them in a natural, logical manner for the characters. There’s no reason for the computer to define it when the users asked specifically for it unless they’re clearly looking for something else and it’s a superintelligent computer]

frump only for a second
[Diminishes the sense of possessiveness]

transportation! To…it! This…do! I
[Exclamation points are a good way to show verbal force and emphasis, but only when used sparingly. Otherwise it all fades into a blur]

mourning and sympathy
[Why mourning?]

She gave the computer

so that she gained quite an insight
[Back to telling]

merging biological limbs into a host body
[Limb grafting? I’d think she’d be looking for cybernetic information]

seemed like birds
[You’re back into data dumps which do not advance character or plot (they advance setting/backstory, but remember that a scene which can’t serve at least 2 of those 3 things is holding your story back). You already told us they invented flying things, after that we need to either go into something that will be plot relevant and character-interested or move on to something else that is plot relevant]

see all the way to the bottom
[Impossible. Water can’t even penetrate 30 meters of seawater]

surprised to see…guns, swords
[Why is this a surprise?]

used in certain wars
[Vague. Don’t bring attention to something you’re not going to discuss (corollary: avoid bringing up things irrelevant to the plot)]

so many different strategies…one of many years
[This has been true since the bronze age – studied tacticians might even note that command has been streamlining since the iron age, as weapons become more overtly powerful and streamlined]

that could snipe
[A snipe is a bird difficult to spot, for anybody familiar with accurate terms you cause confusion. The early term ‘sniper’ actually meant ‘skilled spotter’ instead of the pop culture ‘kill from far away’ which still is usually not the case (they’re better trained in stealth now). Just ‘kill’ serves the intended purpose]

jabs in which fingers were extended
[Unless you’re going to incorporate mystic shiatsu, finger-jabs hurt the jabber more than the one struck]

seen a small demonstration
[Awkward jump out of the vein of thought. I’m also not sure who the focal character is, you left Chrono and Lucca so we’re bouncing around and that’s hampering the ‘hook’ quality of your scene]

sand showing that this bomb was experimental
[Sand does not indicate experimental, it means remote. I also want to point out that nukes weren’t tested in remote reaches to protect the populace, it was to hide their technical aspects from enemies. Same as the Nazi rocket program]

the blast causes very little harm to the environment
[Then it does little. Destructive potential is release of energy, that’s damage to people and environment no matter how you cut it. Unless you’re trying to set up “biological warfare is a good thing”]

"Well, maybe some
[Who’s saying this? You have 3 people arguing, clear attribution is very important]

we brought you back
That's different
[No it’s not. Besides, they were working on incomplete information to prevent a death more than temporal paradox]

most recent war
[The machine war to kill humans after Lavos left?]

guns…kind Marle carried
[Marle hasn’t used a consistent weapon yet in your story, she and Lucca have had different weapons every single battle. If she is holding one now, that needs to be clearly identified]

names of our countries
[Cities, as far as you’ve indicated so far. Except Guardia]

quotes from treaties
[Quotes don’t stop weapons, it’s the treaties that do]

world in the future?
[She’s asking a lot of questions. Why isn’t the computer trying to answer immediately or instead trying to get her to focus on one?]

Suddenly there was
[Passive, Telling]

began to speak very harshly
[Why? Computers, for ease of creation and maintenance, are consistent. Also: you’re trying to force attributions on us. Show, don’t tell, because we won’t just automatically believe everything you shovel at us]

caused their city to float
[Good hint at 25000bc]

The battle was
[War, battles are single events that except in sieges are short events (even sieges are generally termed ‘hostile periods’ of some sort, with actual clashes usually lasting hours long being the actual battles]

Magus or among his
[No idea what this sentence means]

instantly recognized all their history lessons
[All of them? That’s a lot. I think this is intended to imply something else]

the cruelest dictator
[I’d think ‘powerful’, but he didn’t seem to care enough for involvement necessary for ‘cruelest’]

he really die after the war?
[Everybody dies eventually, I don’t see why you’re trying to force nostalgia on us when they only knew him for hours and he was clearly not friendly so much as tactically astute]

neither had been seen
[were seen]

a mythological god

never heard of

obvious that she did
[Telling. I have no idea what this whole sentence is supposed to say, though I don’t think it’s important to character or plot]

The segment cut short
[Why did it play at all? There is nothing to tie it into Lavos]

strange suit like none
[If you are going to draw attention to it, describe it. If it isn’t important, don’t draw attention to it]

no plausible leads
[A creature burrowing up through the crust would be VERY clear. Moving ‘seismic’ disturbances would be unmistakable, they just wouldn’t understand the source]

You changed the future for me, so I can do it for the world too
[Not strictly part of canon, but I like the characterization which also ties into plot]

falling debris
[You don’t actually mention there’s an earthquake in progress. ‘buildings cracked and swayed in the quake’ is concise and descriptive]

Have you ever
[Author Intrusion]

excavate the ground
[They’re only starting now? Shouldn’t they be gathered in command tents or clustered around sensors?]

became a massive upheaval

It was unlike anything they had ever seen before
[Never use a sentence like this. It’s undescriptive and only calls our attention on this fact]

This is where
[Author Intrusion. Telling for the whole paragraph]

tearing apart whole cities in a single blow
[Even nukes can’t do that. I think you mean they ‘tear whole city blocks to dust’]

Fire arsenal at will!"
[Awkward, I’m not sure what it means]

Crono and Lucca could
[Author Intrusive Telling (the whole paragraph)]

You've still got a lot of Telling not Showing, but I still feel the sense that you have a definite sense of character and you're also doing a good job of adding your own interpretations and twists. You just need to "paint them in" so to speak instead of talking them at us.
Ganheim chapter 23 . 12/17/2015
Chapter 24
Crono had great upper
[Telling, give us descriptions of what’s there. Don’t spend time on a setting that doesn’t happen unless it’s both character and plot important]

True, there was a
Another interesting thing was
[Author Intrusion]

so that you could
[Breaking the 4th wall]

Occasionally there would be a beam which connected to the glass and the wall that bordered one research room from the other
[I’m confused, are you saying a wall intersects the glass? Beams are common construction elements, this is unclear]

She was no longer walking
[Feels like backpedaling. Does this mean they get into the lab? If so, you could just say ‘after stepping into the lab, Lucca dashed’]

while she observed
while the other two wondered

Lucca wondered about as if everything was precious

Marle felt the same
[No, they don’t. Lucca is educated enough in technology to identify and appreciate what’s there. All the others know is there’s more metal things that Lucca is amazed at]

that you could not
[breaking the 4th wall]

the realized that they were
[1: they 2: awkward phrasing]

Seeing that it didn't melt
they assumed it

squeaked like a mouse
[In fright? In amazement? Mice make lots of squeeks]

strange looking specimens

of your fist
size of your
[Breaking the 4th wall. Avoid any “you” in narrative, this is a flag that you’re going to Tell and takes us out of the focalization and pace of the story. You might want to pick one person’s perspective to write from to help you avoid this tendency]

do something so extreme
[The concept goes before the renaissance of every society on earth (look up the Hebrew folklore “golem”, which predates all semblance of chemistry and writing)]

used for warfare
[I know you’ve got a lot of anti-(fill in the blank) bits, but you need to give us grounding before you can expect us to accept some of the suspicions you have. Chrono grew up in a middle age (or renaissance) culture where creating life is impossible. Weaponization of such came a good deal after the concept of fabricating helpers, unless you take the rather different track of weapons awakening into malevolent spirits as in Japanese mythology]

subdued, nourished and asleep
[The first and last are the same, no?]

Marle was at
[Backpedalling. One word to get attention is fine, but you need to identify a speaker before the dialog is over]

gave Lucca a good insight
[Author Telling. What details give us this idea? What would Chrono see? Or Lucca if you’re telling this chapter from her perspective]

where it was no longer orderly
[Telling. Give us concrete descriptions. Also: why would there be a photo album of a lab disaster? I could understand pulling up this info in a computer after reactivating the power, but not in a (too convenient) journal]

Because we can still see pictures
[I don’t see how animals not destroying an implausible photo album is strange. An inert object wouldn’t seem to be worth any interest to an animal]

why they don't retain a similar form or attack at random
[Are you talking about 2 things here?]

because this escapee

that allowed you
[Breaking…you get the point]

veins and a large, bulbous head
[Heads are normally visible no matter what kind of skin it has]

dark shark-like pupils
[How so? Shark pupils are famed for being unreactive (‘cold, empty’). If it’s in suspension that’s how I’d expect it to appear]

saying (very quietly
[Adverbs and parentheticals both hamper narrative]

below them was caved
[Unneeded was]

with thick conductors
[Conductors are a material (anything which conducts) unless you explicitly define it as something else previously (preferably specific and easily visualizeable). I imagined the glassmetal panels the Terran Alliance uses to distribute heat and unfocused electrical charge because that’s a part of my book, but another might think of cables like GDI bolts to their tanks in Command & Conquer, and another might think of the superconducting fluid sakuradite from Code Geass. 3 completely different things fulfilling ‘conductor’]

room was impressive and well built

operator laughed when they asked if anything could be damaged
[They were through the rest of the area]

short but an
[of an?]

short in the conductor
just need to reset the power grid
[You can’t fix a gap in a physical power transfer system by pushing a reset button, you need to go to the gap and repair it]

switch that you
[4th wall…]

as it happed

generator develops enough power
[Or it’s on a low cycle and the system wasn’t reset to critical-only, so it’s damaging itself trying to fulfill impossible programming]

Put out the lantern
[Too late, the witch saw you…]

Marle whispered harshly
[Weak telling. “hissed’ does a stronger job of describing HOW the line is spoken]

light they had disappeared
[I have no idea what this means]

there was…lights

All that was remembered
there was the sound of something sizzling

It was at then
[This phrase is usually a transition used with backpedalling, both are best avoided]

reflected on this Lucca was able
[Can she not ready her weapon when he’s not remembering things? You’re already showing it’s corrosive, don’t step back to Tell us]

This was not a single
[Telling – you just Showed in the previous sentence, and move on to go back to it in the next]

aim for vital organs
[Seems obvious, though I’m reminded of The Legend of Awesome]

nearly swiped her leg
[Adverbs are often best avoided because they can be confusing like here, or weak like here. Does it get her? Does she dive out of the way at the last moment?]

It was at that time when

Lucca was standing

Marle was still battling
[Telling sentence (and the next)]

floor!" Lucca gave
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph]

and he could hear the axels spinning down the shaft
[ axles, though that doesn’t seem the right word. Motors?]

mutant was far too busy
[In action scenes, shorter is better. Just ‘was busy’ does the job]

creature still ignored
[Wait, it attacks the pea shooters but not the swordsman that causes it to rasp in pain?]

What he did next

as he ascended higher
[People fall when they jump]

voice yelled out for him
[His own voice was the only you described]

beast was holding

and fall to his

towards the ladder
[What ladder? You need to fill the scene at least with the things characters interact with]

first place; but if
[, but]

Chapter 25
devoid of any energy…heavy like lead
[I like the latter (more Showing), but the 2 are repetition]

he instantly collapsed
breathed deeply and slowly
[Lots of adverbs that don’t deepen the scene. Collapse is quick unless otherwise stated (usually a different word used), and ‘heaved in gasps’ is a stronger way of indicating heavy breathing]

there were thick
[Passive, Telling. The next sentence does the Showing]

quite unlike anything
[Negative descriptions can set an emotional scene (a playground with no swings, no jungle gym, no hoops), but what something IS is often more concise and stronger]
Ganheim chapter 22 . 12/17/2015
Chapter 23
had ever heard

loose a vile word
[just one?]

Had he been going

as he could see
[Telling. Show us the chunks breaking down and let it be something happening]

Occasionally there are times
[Author Intrusion]

trust had taken

For some reason, Crono

He was not aware
[Then whose POV are we in? The sentence is also Telling]

behind him as saw
[he saw?]

neck to neck lead
[“neck and neck” indicates equal position, a lead is not equal]

Crono was pulling

dots could be seen

Johnny's seething among the wind
[Not unless there’s little speed and no crosswind]

You should have
[Breaking the 4th wall]

"Hey, take it easy
[I get that might be Johnny’s phrase, but it’s getting overused]

sentries no longer surrounded
[Backpedalling, this should’ve been indicated as it came up]

pointed with a damaged hand
[Long, just ‘pointed his damaged hand’ would be more concise]

that they had used,
[Passive, not a speech tag]

he can know

Before Crono was able to cause it go forward
[Before he turned it on? Otherwise that’s a very awkward sentence]

The girls shrieked
[This is a response to something you haven’t told us about yet]

they were zooming

they began to be happy
[Weak, Telling]

in each others

And so we end
[breaking the 4th wall]

Chapter 24
has been a while
[hadverb, The paragraph is telling]

as if she were thrilled by the prospect
[Telling. Is she not?]

"I'm afraid that
[Unusual phrasing. No attribution so we have no idea who says this]

They simply did not
[Telling, no character focalization]

most of the streetlights
[The city power grid failed hundreds of years ago]

why we join
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

horizon could still be seen

lightning flashed through the clouds
[First mention of clouds, they should’ve come with the first note of the sky]

you could still see
[breaking the 4th wall]

in great disrepair
[Was that not the case for all?]

The latter seemed
[Telling. Show what they observe]

solid wall except for the middle which had a straight cut throughout the middle
[I have no idea what this means]

True to her instincts they approached
[I don’t see what her instincts had to do with their actions or the physical makeup of their environment]

hallway ahead of them that was dimly lighted
[dim hallway stretches before them]

There was a remarkable

They also heard

mutation in the water

flashlight in your tool belt
[I think that would be Batman, a flashlight is beyond what has been introduced in Chrono’s time and hence what he should expect of Lucca]

once we get to those lights
[That were only on sporadically?]

had a…interesting

bothered her that Crono would say something about such a horrible situation even though he seemed to go through the most strenuous
[Why? I can’t fathom how this is logical]

would vanish with
[Author Telling]

if nothing had

was very different
[Passive, undescriptive]

corridor which was

operate the inner lights
[That doesn’t explain how the outer lights still work]

tiles had become

that sat silently
[adverb, awkward given that you describe the things around them and present the people as an afterthought like the weather instead of an important, surprising detail]

clothes smell after a camping trip
[I don’t know what your clothes smell like in a camping trip, but smoke does not suffuse mine]

room, who had been

What a surprise
[Author Intrusion]

fears were slightly assuaged
[weak, passive]

they learned that they
[Who is the ‘they’? I’m not sure if you mean the dome residents for both or only one]

rooms they had

did not open because
[Telling. At least give it to us through characters]

if no damage would be done to the crop, there would be some done eventually

door sealed in order to trap heat and light to keep them growing
[But you implied the world outside was the same torn-by-perpetual-storm as the game, the outside would be cooler than the heated interior and light wouldn’t be helped by trapping it inside (rather than generating it)]

decided to blow
[Then why the speech about ‘this would be so dangerous]

as they realized
It was laughable [the whole paragraph]

and a generator connected
[Fragment. ‘powering a generator’ or turbine would flow from the previous segment]

so there is always

beast had found

only thing that must
[I know this is dialog, but this is really optimistic for the downtrodden world the game indicated]

each others lives

We can finally rest
[Doan’s characterization flip-flips too much for me to believe. Earlier he was calm, authoritative, and upbeat. Now he seems whiny and melancholic. Did you intend him to look like he has Bipolar Personality Disorder?]

my conscious."

There were people that
[Telling, not Showing]

weapon (a gun
[Telling. Avoid parentheticals. I don’t see why you can’t show us what she holds, that would give us an idea what precisely she has]

They had resorted

load of stone debris
[Um…why? Bolts enter pre-existing holes, you screw them in and screw them out]

You could tell
[Breaking the 4th wall]

as a cylinder stick
[cylindrical…though sticks are usually in that shape. Also: flares blind. Chrono is now as blind as Zatoichi]

Thankfully they could
[Why thankful? Also unneeded adverb]

that could dash a body
[Water pushes, it’s the debris in it that does most of the damage]

so that meant that
[Passive, Telling]

hold the waning light of the torch
[What torch? You said ‘flare’ earlier]

"To be honest
[Who says this? Your characters don’t have sufficiently distinct speech patterns for the words alone to identify them and you’ve got more than 3…but a good writer will intermittently add identifiers (best if actions rather than relying on he said, she said) every couple paragraphs]

Lucca said with a half-smile
[Smile: approval. Dialog: disgust. These are incompatible]

door…nothing but hinges and a handle
[That doesn’t seem like an effective door. Also: avoid semicolons]

Lucca stepped in so did the light
[So the light is its own entity, instead of an object carried by her?]

metallic cabinets and lockers
[Would Chrono recognize these things?]

that seemed to fill

There were overcoats

as if there was some kind of struggle
[Telling. How do they know?]

recreational room
[With overcoats and hardhats?]

that was actually a
[Author Intrusive Telling]

removed the map
[In such a setting, wouldn’t the map be an etching under the glass?]

and slightly faded
use their imaginations for
[I’m not sure if this repetition or showing, though it’s still not as clear as could be]

and research facilities
[Wasn’t the whole place a research facility?]

She said evasively
[Telling: why I don’t like adverbs]

it was a law in
[Author Intrusive Telling]

survivors were fortunate
[Why? Power only failed recently]

There was a small wrench
[Passive, telling. Give us the details describing an obstacle, don’t tell us there’s an obstacle]

you would see
[Breaking the 4th wall]
Suffice it to say
[Author Intrusion]

walls, stairway railings
[Doesn’t sound like a squeeze]
Ganheim chapter 21 . 12/17/2015
Chapter 22
Chapter 22
but was stopped
[Passive. Try a paragraph break and giving us the click or clunk of a weapon chambering a round (though Chrono and Nadia shouldn’t recognize sounds from projectile weapons more advanced than crossbows), then show Chrono looking around at a ring of robots leveling guns at him. You could even liken it to the Guardian soldiers pointing crossbows at him to show that he understands what the possibly built-in projectiles (or ray guns) mean]

Sure enough, several
[Telling, passive]

It was at this
[Author Intrusion, Telling]

one cocked weapon
[This was a detail you needed to give above, as is it’s confusing backpedaling]

he grinned spitefully,
[1: the action accompanies the dialog, it doesn’t tell us how the line is said, hence it’s not a speech tag and doesn’t use a comma 2: spite indicates malicious intent, but your previous description and I think intent is for him to desire to be more humanlike without understanding that taking humans’ body parts is a bad thing since it isn’t for robots (as is implied in ‘look more human’). I actually like the ‘robot trying to take on humanity on himself’. If he’s trying to return to humanity, Belthazar should use a different line, and I can’t think of a non-sociopathic interpretation for the character. Those types are difficult to respect]

he punched a hole into his own chest
[Why couldn’t he just open a panel?]

still had my larynx
[Oddly specific. I’d also expect the larynx to have dissolved if the arms and legs were gone. You could start with general bits and then tack on ‘my larynx survived’, but given how precise speech synthesizers can be I don’t think he even needs those parts unless you just want the connective bits between brain and heart]

what I had lost
[hadverb. I understand “I was a human and a mutant ate me”, but everything after is backstory that I don’t think he’d be inclined ]

need to…"
[Even when only 2 people are there to converse, it’s a good idea to identify who says what every single paragraph. Here where so many people are active participants, you need to clarify who’s speaking before the line is done]

choice I want between three bodies
[…shredded by gunfire]

strong, but can you dodge
[Strength is not speed]

they would assuredly
[adverb, Telling]

if you were to

Chapter 23
as it had always done
[Author Intrusive Telling (the whole paragraph). Where is this? Whose perspective? When?]

To be completely honest
[adverb, Author Intrusive Telling. Whose POV is this?]

when someone swordfights it is best to improvise
[No it’s not, it’s best to have sharpened perception and reliable reflexes. Improvisation just makes it slightly harder to predict your true line of attack]

for that reason
[“he let out a breath to focus on the race” accomplishes all of that without Telling]

since you all know
[Author Intrusive telling, breaking the 4th wall]

Everyone experiences
[Author Intrusive Telling. Don’t tell us “imagine how Chrono worried”, show us what he’s looking at and, if from his POV, depict who/what he’s thinking of]

I sincerely hope
[Author Intrusive Telling]

said threateningly
[Telling – his dialog already contained the threat]

…would win if
[Telling. Show us the conversation as this information is exchanged between the characters]

Lucca…examine the vehicle…she was amazed
[Telling, not Showing. How does she go about it, and what does she say about it? You wouldn’t even need to think of accurate technobabble, she could begin to praise one aspect and move onto another without finishing sentences]

Crono said very grimly
[If there are other descriptors, an adverb can sometimes work. However, we don’t get any particulars and here I feel Chrono and his environment is a big blank because we’re not given any of the concrete, descriptive details]

You deal differently
[Author Intrusion]

gone by the time you both race
[What happened to “you must race first”?]

the incessant wind
[Which you have only now mentioned. If you want an omnipresent aspect, you should probably remind us about it frequently]

nothing but road
[What about the drawbridge?]

why did Crono have so much trust
[Telling. The only showing done indicates rude hostility]

vehicle was topless
[This means a different thing to me a technician than it may to others: a vehicle without a top has no hood to protect the engine from rain or other elements, nor an upper body casing to protect the driver/passenger area]

paint was wearing off, the vehicle…brand new
[Telling says one thing, Showing says another]

It was funny

were painted repeatedly
[Passive. “stretched on into the distance” is active]

that he was a machine
[According to your story he’s not, he’s a cyborg]

noise had become louder

The two forms that had shape and texture suddenly became two blurs
[The setting has teleportation. Your description of acceleration needs to be more focalized and concrete]

Perhaps there is a hidden metaphor
[Breaking the 4th wall]

not Lucca the matter
[Was there supposed to be a sentence break here? The paragraph is also Telling, backpedaling to do so]

where they had originally met
[Where Chrono and Lucca met is never stated, in canon or your story (I have a theory, but that only works in mine)]

as he felt his body thrown…Johnny had run into
[Awkward, backpedalling. If things were more focalized on Chrono I think you wouldn’t have been tempted to skip the impact and Chrono immediately realizing “I’ve been rammed”]

very gingerly pushed
[Why? Action is also unclear]

that Crono had gained

Johnny murmured viciously
[Telling. How would Chrono hear this if he’s so far away and in an open vehicle at such high speed?]

was a narrow passage
[Unclear. Earlier Belthazar mentioned the tunnel, but you need to show us even if you don’t bring up the recall in Chrono’s mind (which would be good, concise is vital in an action scene)]

and jagged rebar
[He doesn’t know what rebar is, even if the culture is primitive enough to still use it instead of fiber extrusion base]

son of a"
[Missing punctuation]

Crono had already
could not hear
[And yet the description is here]

Obviously, he was upset

debris was beginning to become
[‘begin to’ or ‘started to’ is a weak construction. “less debris littered…” is active and gets across the same point]

the race was about to

strange dip in the road

pale glow of fluorescent lights
[that STILL WORK? Not in such a dystopia]

Lucca was correct, the vehicle
[Telling, backpedaling. You can express the same information by describing how Chrono is handling the progressing scene]

been neck and
[Telling, you already had indications that Johnny caught up every time Chrono got ahead. Actually, that makes it seem like Chrono is only winning when Johnny screws up (which isn’t a bad track to take, it leaves the outcome in question)]

when you are being run into
[Stiff and formal for a mid-race taunt]

It became clear
[Telling – you just showed]

as Johnny brakes hard
[Present-progressive tense when the rest of the story is in past]

It was then that
[Wordy, indicates Telling though showing is used]
Ganheim chapter 20 . 12/17/2015
Chapter 20
I do tend to prattle
[I think we got 2 lines across 2 pages]

[This is a specialized term she invented herself (as best you indicated). Why would she assume they use the same word/acronym?]

"Can we talk
[Why would they need to talk over the one positive lead they’ve had?]

the gate back home
[Or the powerplant for a factory making human-killing machines for Mother. But Lucca wouldn’t know about that]

Chapter 21
the odd thing was
[Conversational phrasing seems odd in narrative]

corrosive substance, particularly acid
[Lucca (a machinist/physicist) doesn’t seem much an alchemist, so even she probably wouldn’t know the difference between acids and alkalis. Chrono and Nadia might only look at it and think “it melted itself”]

so the reader can
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

Crono merely folded

were sizzling
[I’m confused (about the tense), is it now actively breaking down? Or is this an inert, past-tense breakdown?]

was a garage
[How does she know what a garage is? Stables are the only thing implied to exist in their time]

with incendiary rounds
[Didn’t Lucca say it was ‘out’ before they used it?]

A mutant was
[Author Intrusive data dump. The trio didn’t see it, they know nothing about it. This puts them on the same level as the audience and gives you the opportunity for them to ask about it]

Every mutant did not look
[So…what ARE they like? Defining a creature by what it isn’t is only applicable to something more philosophical, like an angel or glowy energy “ascended” alien that has such a lack of positive physical characteristics that we resort to negatives just as a way of trying to understand it. Even then you can put things in very concrete terms. In either case the ‘description’ here doesn’t provide anything visualizeable or helpful to the trio or audience, and the lack of a source (one of the kids?) doesn’t help clarify]

nuisance that compared to scorpions, yet they were feared

People seemed to cringe
[Telling. Showing a person cringe and “talk around” the subject would be compelling]

against this abomination
[But you indicated there was more than one]

Imagine how peaceful

Imagine, if you
[Author Intrusive, breaking the 4th wall]

creature should not have been meant to live

We probably won't see
[I note probably]

A word about this vehicle
[Author Intrusive Telling. Describing the garage as they walk in, and the vehicle as they come in sight of it would be effective]

Torrents lined its sides
[A torrent is a stream or otherwise moving mass, I have no idea what this intends]

Needless to say
[And yet it’s being said]

from the womb; with love
[The former is really weird but unique in a way that benefits the scene. The latter is Telling]

he made preparations
[So what did he need them for if he’s got an AFV?]

youths turned red

enertron (the lack
[Avoid parentheticals. Describe if it’s important, don’t throw out the detail if it’s not]

small shower with
[If most luxury busses don’t have showers, a tank wouldn’t. Adding one ruins the sense of dystopia and turns the world into one of plenty where it’s just the dome workers that don’t have nice things]

transport; you will
[, you]

to leave; I can
[. I]

was almost hilarious
[Was it or wasn’t it? We’re not shown either way]

You may wonder
[Author Intrusive Telling. The whole bit about them cleaning the armour does nothing to expand character OR plot, hence leaving the scene “filler” which you want to avoid]

was quickly giving way
[was-adverb, passive]

began to appear disheveled as well as her clothes
[The clothes are part of a person with respect to appearance]

group raised an eyebrow
[Only one among the three of them?]

Just like the first
[Telling. Show us what they see, either to reinforce the sameness or highlight the differences]

Another interesting thing
[Phrasing marks Author Intrusive Telling. Paint us a picture with the details that make it what it is]

When this place was
[Telling, backstory data dump that doesn’t advance characters or plot]

the gun torrents
[Unless it rains revolvers, I think you mean “turrets”. I should also point out that only a handful of vehicles in history have had more than one turret, and none were estimated to be combat-effective against a simpler, cheaper, more centralized and generally stronger design]

The siren stopped
[Why? If something triggers it, something should have to turn it off unless the robots (which you imply tripped it) vanish]

curiously amplified his voice
[Microphones don’t amplify voices, they retransmit it to speakers (which in this case would have to be external and would be muffled if audible at all)]

Chapter 22
It is from my
[Is this author intrusion? Or are you forgetting quote marks and voicing as characters argue/complain to each other?]

old man, Crono's
[Phrasing indicates Chrono is an old ma]

clenched fist which
[Awkward phrasing, it looks like you describe him punching, not punching, deciding to, and deciding not all in the paragraph. It comes across as unclear, especially given your tendency to write from distant third-person voice instead of “this chapter comes from Chrono”]

The very atmosphere
[Author Intrusion]

The old man decided
[Telling, head-jumping]

all the things I
[Author Intrusion]

knowing already who
[Telling, head-jumping. Chrono has to observe something, he can’t know what’s going on in another’s mind]

finesse and skill that
[Repetition, ‘skill’ edges into telling. If we had 1st person perspective that could be ‘observation from a character’, but as is looks like the writer is telling us. Just showing the circuit Johnny makes around them is enough to me]

voice which seemed to
[Telling, attribution. Chrono doesn’t know, so just ‘youthful voice’ alone would’ve been enough]

Marle did not like
[Who’s POV? If Chrono’s, it’s Telling and head-jumping. If it’s Nadia’s it’s not phrased as a ‘from herself’]

which seemed to
[Telling. Give us the details (contorted expression isn’t that descriptive, but IS showing if it’s observation from a character)]

They had exited
[They do now? Or they did so before and we’re only hearing about it now? Another reason to hate hadverbs]

Perhaps you may
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

to a thing like
[We haven’t gotten a description yet, so this is vague Telling. “Chrono panned the periscope onto a large-wheeled vehicle with the body of a man jutting from the top” is concrete and Showing]

plastic or some type of metal
[Those can be VERY different things. Pick one]

he looked more like a marionette
[That’s extremely distinct, possibly the first thing Chrono might see]
connected by gears
[After mentioning marionette, now this implies there’s a string of gears linking his wrists and shoulders]

human 'spare parts
[This is an original twist to add]
Wise.sarachi chapter 81 . 7/26/2015
Still waiting for light and swag.
Ganheim chapter 17 . 7/13/2015
Chapter 19
sense of love flooded
[Um…why? Is he not paying attention to the road filled with debris? This is why I hate “car conversations” in TV, when you take your eyes off the road you crash. Doubly so in a dystopia like 2300AD]

and they will be disclosed
[For the love of God, No! Stop Telling us! Also breaking the 4th wall]

His father was
[Data dump, takes us away from 2300AD. The whole paragraph]

Yes, his father
[Sounds conversational, but not from any character. This whole paragraph is Author Intrusive Telling]

towards the Nadia
[What? I don’t care if you call her Marle or Nadia, but please be consistent. And even if you’re a machine, don’t use ‘the’ before a name]

his voice muffled
[Confined spaces do not muffle voices. If he’s not inside with them (as was the last indication), you need to show that]

breeze that prevailed in the belly of the tank
[No tank would have a breeze in its belly]

Further inspection
[By who? Show us from one person’s eyes]

If Lucca had been
[Author Intrusive Telling]

No, Lucca, I don't
[Funny, though some accompanying action (a crossing of his arms?) might’ve been nice. That’s another way to identify the speaker without endlessly repeating “he said”]

were not like any other
[Telling, undescriptive]

destitute throughout
[This means nothing to me. Show us with concrete, observable details. If you can, don’t Tell at all]
faces were dirty
[Show…like this]

carried large guns
[The Guardians used crossbows. Would he know what a gun is?]

look like the richest man
[Because he drives a working vehicle? I’m surprised nobody mentions this]

and lack of holes
[Awkward, telling]

began to name off

as if they had never
[Telling, hadverb]

hallway could be seen

get you guys all fixed
[Is nobody surprised about the armour they drove in on? Hasn’t Mother been trying to kill humanity for as long as 300 years?]

that you cannot
[lost focalization]

were in the tank
[You described the opening as if they drove inside. Are they not in the tank anymore?]

It was simply

realized what it was
[And yet you leave the audience in the dark]

It seemed like a place
[Telling, vague. Has no direct bearing on the scene]

they quickly realized

floor was now whispering
[The floor itself whispered? Impressive]

from what seemed
[Passive, Telling. Show the details that indicate why it is so, don’t tell us “mechanical work made him buff”
I do want to note, however, that I like your alteration to the story that integrates the Mother questline well before that event]

His hands seemed
[Passive, Telling]

don't." he said
[,” he]

the-" there was
[Awkward. You succeed at taking us out of the scene, but not portraying the scene. If profanity is important to the scene or character, use it as a faithful portrayal. If not then skip it]

men were allowed to maltreat
[Um…how? Why? There is absolutely NO indication of this ever being the case in canon or in your story. I don’t know if you have a shaky political agenda and the only way you can make it is by throwing bricks in our faces, but it’s not subtle and not self-consistent. Another reason not to pontificate in Telling. Show instead]

had to survive on a daily basis
[Don’t we need to survive on a daily basis? Not doing so kinda means spontaneous extinction]

conditions of this world did not teach these people the meaning of compassion
[Telling. Also untrue (at least on a race-scale): worlds of scarcity have a tendency of forcing people into small, cooperative bands going back before formal hunter-gatherers. All stable societies head towards that (and at 300 years after the end, this would have to be). If there are more resources for people to fight over or something else affects things, deal with it when the issue surfaces. Don’t Tell us or you say things that the audience can say “nuh uh” to very easily]

your right. Even

you old –" The three
[Awkward, nondescriptive. Both times I think you forgot to finish the sentence, rather than just doing bad censorship]

They had moved

trash can that served as a heater
[How? Are you forgetting to mention a fire inside (as is sometimes done in dystopias despite the materials shortage)?]

more people hear

they were staring

rather complex device

person on the inside
[But there isn’t anybody inside. From their perspective, they should say ‘to see inside’]

device which
[Would this not be something they could see through the window? Or at least once it was opened? “threw her into the padded interior” would be concise]

or had bags
she looked extremely

Marle were practically fighting
[Telling, unclear]

muscles and brain
[But the brain runs on chemical energy, hence why the slightest malnutrition causes attention and behavioral issues while muscle groups can continue to overtax for days or weeks]

He was a man
[Passive. “was” is necessary when using possessive, but is still a weak verb and best used sparingly]

seemed so wise
[Telling, cliché]

so rare in regular people
[Racist. Or classist]

Chapter 20
it has always been said
[Who’s POV is this? If nobody it’s Author Intrusive Telling]
this party would learn
[Definitely Author Intrusive Telling]

something that was amiss
[Undescriptive, Telling]

knew from a glance
[Telling, Cliché. Don’t say “he was different”, give us the details they observe that lead them to that conclusion]

something seemed catch
[Telling. Missing word]

mouth could be seen

thankful that this old

The old man, who

show of amiability, not
He smiled widely

while he said his name
[Telling. Shouldn’t we see the line?]

as well; to all
[, to]

Have you ever
[Author Intrusion]

hid his growing indignation…This creature
[That’s hiding? This is why you shouldn’t Tell]

You can imagine
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

I have only seen in my sleep
[Does this mean she succeeded and only does it while sleepwalking?]

advanced then our

"Could it be
[Is this spoken? Formatting says it’s all emphasized and punctuation says spoken. Thoughts are normally enclosed in inverted commas ‘’ OR italicized]

Marle felt her heart
[This is the only sentence in this nearly page-long paragraph that wasn’t an Author Intrusive infodump that had nothing to do with the scene as it unfolds (even this is too much Telling). When a TV show might do a montage, in text it’s usually better to pick a single incident that exemplifies the point you want to make and SHOW that, letting the details speak for themselves]

Have you ever seen
[Author Intrusive Telling, breaking the 4th wall. It’s preachy, in the most insulting way]

only ease their pain for a short time
[Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life]

ignorant of her paucity
[By now this has gone from preachy Author Intrusion Telling to brick-to-the-face blunt that you want an emotional point to be made. You might’ve wanted us to emotionally invest in the setting, but the long, preachy passages only have the opposite effect. Subtlety and Concise is the way to go whether you’re trying to bring our focus to the scene or characters. Tolkien never said “life was idyllic in the Shire”, he wrote (possibly for too long, I grant) about the specific things they’d do and talked about lighthearted things like meals instead of struggling for food or political sovereignty]

sense of capitalism prevails
[Bullshit. You have not even spared 2 words indicating anything capitalistic about the setting. I don’t care if you’re anticapitalist and associate all human ills with it or not, if you want the setting to be something, SHOW it or I will call you out]

They live in a
[Even though this is a character’s dialog, this still feels like Author Intrusive preachy Telling. That it follows pages of Telling making the very same point only makes it worse]

an ignorant place
[Places can be hot or cold, but ignorance is the aspect of its people]

A few more instances of the weaknesses of Telling: it makes it easy to lose where you are and what you're saying, and almost always makes it harder to convey those things. Many points here were unclear because Telling gave a vague idea and sometimes disagreed with what you Showed. You're still setting things up in advance, which is good, but there's still a lot of Telling glossing over, which is bad. Shouldn't be hard to change, just time consuming. I've done it in my original works.
Ganheim chapter 16 . 7/13/2015
Chapter 17
leave this dismal
[What happened to Lucca’s enthusiasm?]

door that had a sign
[Long and wordy]

twisted the only door
[Why do they know this? Why would this door require a handle when it’s the one most likely to be used by agents with no hands free?]

reason other than amazement
[Unnecessary obfuscation]

The reader might suppose
[Author Intrusion, Breaking the 4th wall. Don’t Tell us, Show!]

With hearts devoid
[Telling. Showing desolation, desolation, and desolation would Show and help create audience sympathy]

hints of unyielding storms

itself, were toppled
[Passive. “gargantuan structures rivaling Castle Guardia sprawled over the ground like fallen giants” is active]

they could only restate
[Telling, made all the more awkward by the fact that you SHOW in the next line]

Up a Tree house." It's good, funny stuff with a charged storyline that brings a good amount of emotion which you would never expect with the name of the title.
Locuster: I have held his review of my other Crono story in high esteem, and I intend to do so with every criticism. This is a man who knows what he's talking about. He is a hard-core storywriter and editor, and if you felt that my story was vivid and painted, you should see his work, "The Crono Trigger

Chapter 18
strong was their feeling
[Telling. Also lacks grounding in place, person, time. Did you jump back to 1000AD? We have no idea because you don’t set the scene]

Instead, they looked
[Who? We’re getting to the 3rd paragraph and we still don’t have a focal character]

even more brooding
[Brooding is thought, gloomy is atmospheric. Both are probably Telling]

any form of life
[Plants are alive, too. You don’t mention if there’s moss and lichen everywhere, if giant trees poke up from beyond the rubble, or if the landscape is as barren as Abydos of the Stargate movie]

Crono felt his foot
[Passive, implies the world is doing the moving instead of him]

unlike any thing

smooth as eroded stone
[Eroded stone is rarely smooth. Ever seen the bottom of the sphinx? That’s water erosion]

companions timidly followed
[Telling, another reason to avoid adverbs]

walked several yards
[That’s it? The dust and signs of entropy should be the evidence that assuages their tension, but the scale of destruction alone should make them unsure what to make of it]

Whatever had caused

hell happened here
[This question is rather late. Apparently they notice the destroyed city, walk for a few minutes, then shrug it off before she suddenly goes back to noticing and asking this]

impact points
[impact craters?]

world that's engaged in a war
[that WAS. Your descriptions indicated twice they figured this out already]

these marks are old
[An important fact that you identified, glossed over, then returned to here. Feels odd]

pointed ahead mutely
It was absolutely
had been clearly [also passive, hadverb]

eroded by time itself
[Telling. What details show them? Also don’t forget which character is your focal point. Chrono might be sharp-eyed but unknowledgeable, Lucca might be more educated but less perceptive]

The best way to describe it
[Wordy, unneeded]

If they were closer
[Telling. Only show us what the characters can see, this reinforces audience bond with the character]

attention was diverted to see
[Awkward, wordy]

They yelled for

to be merely scrap metal
[adverb, also wordy. just “rusted” works, presuming they used non-corrosion-resistant iron-based alloys. I personally used a different interpretation with lots of ceramics, but each author’s vision is different]

that had been

rusted until it had turned orange
[As opposed to rusted until it was blue?]

machinery that would have never caught the eye of her counterparts

while she silkily
[‘silkily’ makes me think of flirtatious behavior, but she’s pouting here]

causing a distraught Lucca to warn him
[Telling. You showed us running up to the device and an argument over it that led to no plot or character development (description would’ve helped), so I don’t see why this isn’t shown]

They had failed to notice
[hadverb. Unclear]

in an irritated cowardly mode
[Does not seem to match Lucca’s speech patterns]

silent as if he took
[Does he or doesn’t he? Isn’t his POV the narration focus?]

He simply muttered
[adverb, Telling]

Lights and radars buzzed
[Radar is a complex system coming together to perform a singular function, not a plural of objects. He also wouldn’t be able to recognize it. I don’t even think your Lucca would be able to understand it until after it’s operating for a while]

they were dusty
[They should have degraded away if concrete itself is crumbling]

checked the cache
[Doesn’t the computer dump the cache when it reboots?]

before the vehicles

"You're a natural, Crono
[I thought it was Lucca driving, because she was taking charge of tech for a while. Clear descriptions are necessary]

He had been driving
[Passive. “he drove” is more active]

Lucca had quickly grown tired
[Passive, not supported by the descriptions]

Lucca stretched herself
[If it’s a military vehicle, there’s not room to stretch in a crew chair]

They would tell
[Why are we not being SHOWN this conversation happening to the focal character?]

Women are nurturers by nature
[Does not fit first-person phrasing. Also not objectively true, or teenage mothers would never leave their toddlers to freeze in the car while they go out on dates with sleazy men. Humans are humans
Also, this whole paragraph is Telling]

Any person who
[This whole paragraph is Telling. It takes us away from the action, from the progressing scene, and hence from the characters. Don’t Tell us what it might mean, SHOW us what Nadia perceives and what she’s concerned about through her internal dialog]

the chancellor had
[Also odd as the king already commanded it and was only bargaining as a ploy to control Nadia]

went throughout her
[down is more concise]

he had become
[Passive. He ‘clammed up’? What else happens? Give us concrete details. The rise or knitting together of his eyebrows, the clench of his jaw]

not meaning to sound
[Wait, so are we focalizing through Chrono or Nadia? Jumping back and forth makes it harder for us to emotionally invest in any of them]

a strong sense

she had fallen
[fell. Also a lot of Telling in the paragraph, it doesn’t feel like her dialog or observations]

Instantly, her heart
[You describe the process as taking a while, hence it isn’t instant]

flood with jealousy
[I don’t see the catalyst to direct ire on Lucca]

True, we've been through a lot, but we've only known
[She’s indignant, these thoughts are too cool and detached. “we’ve been through a lot even if we’ve only…” better represents her expectations]

(for it had
[Telling. Avoid parentheticals]

True, women may
[Author Intrusive Telling, no character focalization]

to be civil
[subtle…I think]

I think I know what
[This sentence is too stiff and formal for an angry Chrono. People revert to short, clipped sentences when they’re mad]

was beginning to break

Marle felt horrible
[Telling (lacks character focus). Also seems a strange track to go when she decided to drop pretences and push him to talking]

as Marle feared
[Isn’t guilt in not cooperating with her what she wanted?]

he felt pangs
[Telling, head jumping]

his horrible past
[His father’s past isn’t Chrono’s past]

day would suddenly

engage in theological
[philosophical, I think]

so therefore he felt guilty

Chapter 19
shattered and broken

as the treads
[If concrete is crumbling, treads would be rusted scrap that would fall off. The only treaded tank that could still be used after 10 years without extensive maintenance was a Russian tank that sank into a bog, hence having no exposure to oxygen]

that had tried their
[Passive, repeat]

they lay themselves
[Armoured fighting vehicles have little internal space, not enough to lay in. They could lean awkwardly]

They were curled
[Passive, feels like Telling instead of Chrono’s observations]
Ganheim chapter 15 . 7/13/2015
Chapter 16
banged against him armor
which desired to nurse the wound
[Wait, so the hand had an independent desire? A reflexive action might happen but wouldn’t seem worth drawing attention away from the action]

while continuing to thrust while
[Too many ‘while’s and subjects. Long sentences do not help action scene]

for the escapee's head
[Which one? Chrono and Fritz are both there and desperation could be driving both]

The guard yelled
[The one who was knocked out? This is why you need to identify the actors]

furiously before
an incredibly painful
to push forcefully

go to gave

the guard's face
[Was he not armoured?]

Fritz almost seemed
[Show us what IS, not what a different character might see]

could not possible

identify with her
[That’s sociological association. Just “identify her” is perception]

finally failing to
[adverb, wordy, wrong tense]

smoke began to billow
[A smoke grenade. And yet they think it’s a fragmentation grenade later despite the fact that it already begins operating here]

large explosion
[Fragmentation grenades don’t billow smoke]

shook the entire connecting bridge
[But a fragmentation grenade doesn’t have that kind of force, it operates by flinging small bits]

guards seemed to
[Don’t tell us what things seem, show us what is visible]

They landed against the door
[The trio?]

They had worked

(evidently a part
[Avoid parentheticals, especially Telling ones like this]

and imaginary crimes
[Was that not exactly what they were looking for? Records of their ‘crimes’?]

you have any plans
[So is Chrono overwhelmed or is he steady and proactive?]

your typical plan
[Do we need to get it? A scene break can skip that part of the conversation if it’s important we don’t get detail. If it is we should see the conversation play out]

soldiers to pursue him
[He is if soldiers petition Porre for extradition, that concept goes back about as far as kingdoms. Assassinations go back even farther]

and they would not
[Is this Chrono&co? Guardia? Porre? This is why agents need to be clear]

can you lend us some money
[When he’s been locked up for weeks? He shouldn’t have a pence on him]

seemed dismal to Lucca's
[Telling. Head-jumping]

not a single soul
[But the mention of the storm waited until the next sentence]

who it the voice was
[I don’t get it]

He was grinned in

seethed in between his teeth

you are correct!
[If the next sentence isn’t shouted, neither is this one]

and glared angrily
[repetition, adverb]

tremor that could be confused for the wind
[Roundabout. ‘only the wind kept their company until a rumble intruded through the bridge’ is active and concise]

whom those eyes
[The chancellor? You describe quite a trip that doesn’t seem to put it in place for earlier cameo, and the chancellor was the only person identified]

only looked at his feet
[Why would he look away?]

It seemed that

that Lucca had

useful in this battle
[Pea shooters are not often useful against tanks]

single shot revolver
[Flintlocks and other such weapons are single shot, but by definition a revolver carries multiple rounds that it accesses through a revolving system]

making malfunctions or power surges
[Neither of those would be impossible. Running out or fuel detonations would be impossible]

told me that its skin is impenetrable
[This wasn’t obvious? It seemed so from your description. Another reason why tight character focalization is important]

rooftops and steeples
[repetition, even if one is a subunit of the other]

frantically, yet nimbly
and suddenly it

It seemed as if
[Telling. Show us what happens, not what won’t]

he did something
[Passive, vague, takes us out of the scene]

body slid down

the size grape
[I have no idea what this means]

swung in gaping arcs
[‘gape’ normally refers to a gap. This implies that it swings but misses a lot]

as they had become uncovered
[Telling. Does the dragon tank actually open up? Then show us! The sound detail is good, but only when reinforced with other details]

and hastily shoved

as if something had
[Telling. Also problematic: Chrono struck it several times with nary a scratch]

that seemed to feel

In fact, you could
[Author Intrusive Telling]

they had found

frowned in contempt,
[1: not a speech tag 2: the emotion implied seems wrong. Anger? Disappointment? Weariness?]

intentions were impure
[How so? He’s trying to escape, that could imply lots of things. None that I can think of having anything to do with Nadia (yet)]

Crono started quickly

Almost as if they
[Telling. “raising crossbows in unison’ gets the point across better]

The king looked
[Source Mixing: Lucca’s action, the king’s response and dialog]

eyes tightly and expected
[adverb, might slip into passive]

before they would embed
[We get the point. If you have to Tell us multiple times your scene might not be able to hold itself up]

attack of conscious
[They woke up? Or do you mean conscience?]

A voice boomed
[Chrono and Lucca both have known Nadia too long to not recognize the voice. Not making it clear is just being obtuse]

indignation and anger
[Same thing in this context]

According to tradition and law
[Um…no. She made the declaration on the spur of the moment. Any consequence is according to her word, not tradition. Unless you’re saying she has a tradition of beheading guards]

began to ask her father profusely
[Telling, undescriptive]

biased and lunacy
[He watches the moon? More loosely, this phrase is awkward]

It almost seemed
It appeared pleasing
immaculate leader began to surface

It was mentioned earlier
[But not Shown, I suppose. This whole paragraph is Telling, and jumping into Lucca when the rest of the chapter was (if barely) focalized on Chrono]

and pushed the door
[The sentence after ‘and’ is unneeded]

dashed madly through

That had caused

Fritz gratefully obeyed
[Telling, adverb]

True to his words
[Chrono has no ability to control them, hence he couldn’t have made a promise leading to this phrasing]

certain that they had continued
[1: I hate ‘that they had’ construction 2: guards are the last identified source, hence the vague ‘they’ refers back to them. “the trio” is more unique]

Chapter 17
than any other worlds
[Telling, though if the narrative was character-focalized this could be a valid thought from one of them. They’ve only been to 2 ‘worlds’]

bumbling into any
[Awkward. Where are they relative to the environment (which isn’t actually clearly described besides “dusty and cobwebs”) and to each other?]

place they did not belong
[Like time out of time?]

It was a very odd in which they stood
[I have no idea what this means]

which the group detested
[Telling, unimportant to the scene. If you want to make something of it, SHOW one of the characters acting in revulsion or some appropriate observable reaction]

seemed ludicrously gaudy
[Given that they just ran from a decorated castle, this seems inappropriate]

Crono smirked as
[Why? He doesn’t understand]

big deal is…"

considered impossible
[‘should be impossible’ – she’s her era’s leading expert. She’s somewhat unique in being able to judge this]

deny the very laws of physics
[Magic can do that, and they came from a world that has stories of magic]

Lucca seemed as if
[Telling. Show us what she DOES, unless she’s the ‘narrator’ focal character, in which case show us what she sees and looks for]

To their horror
[They were faced with execution minutes ago. “horror” does not fit something going right]

It was Marle who
[Telling. Let the Showing you do in the next paragraph work on its own (though a speech tag/indicator might be nice)]

They had entered

most incredible things
It almost seemed

people has invented

dream of being a masterful inventor
always been my dream
[Repetition, both feel like Telling to me]

machines designed to carry
[Telling. Also probably beyond his ability to judge]

far sharper and more solid
[He can’t know this]
Ganheim chapter 14 . 7/13/2015
Chapter 16
drops of water flood
[Drops don’t flood unless you’re Particle Man. Or does the water get him instead?]

and was slightly stunned

guards leering at
[Sneering might be more appropriate, that connotation always includes disdain]

he had just [hadverb]
he was hungry [wasverb]
guards were feasting [wereverb]
[I know one of these could’ve worked, but this is a LOT of passive in one sentence]

they were greedily devouring what was left in a basket
[they devoured pastry from a familiar basket – more of a change in sentence construction, but this edges too close to passive telling. Everything after ‘basket’ is also unnecessary]

themselves more disgusting
[Author Intrusive Telling. You were just SHOWING us the progressing scene, don’t slip out of Chrono’s perspective into this passive Telling!]

his pride made him refuse
[Passive in presentation, though the word construction is active which I normally like. Still telling. Instead, showing him crossing his arms and turning away from the guards would’ve been character-focused instead of peripheral focused]

They laughed rudely

If they had known
[Author Intrusive Telling: the whole paragraph]

except being rude
[And releasing tension according to Rage Theory]

The guards were
[Source Mixing: before it’s Author Intrusive Telling, now it’s a guard]

were involuntarily twitching

guards began to order
stop that,
[Showing, if via dialog]

guard yelled furiously

you two fags can't do
[What do moronic guards have to do with cigarettes?]

were able to shatter
[Awkward, Telling. Don’t drift into what might be, show us what IS HAPPENING]

that was a mistake
[Author Telling]

Crono had prepared

prison a few days ago
[Author Intrusive Telling – mid action-paragraph, you are jumping out of the present to tell us something in the pass that never needed to see in the first place. The worn state of the prison was clear in the scene opening, jumping to ‘guard took brick to face’ would’ve been concise and enough information]

The guard turned
[Why? He was leaving. Chrono could’ve slipped it out of a shadowy corner, behind him, from a covered spot, or a spot by the window as the guard paused for a breath]

face full of scratches

move in slow motion
[Because it failed? I know that a cinematic might show this, but you can indicate this without actually calling it out by describing the flight of the brick rather than Telling like this]

dead-on accurate

some areas were not lighted

slid the sword under his belt so that the sword hung by the hilt
[Why would he take a heavy, awkward sword instead of aiming for full Solid Snake stealth?]

avoid a struggle

events were occurring
[Blunt for a transition, does not describe where, when, or with whom. Is it Prometheus and Mother chatting over tea? It could be, given your lack of setting details]

two had been talking
[Still unclear, and if the scene WAS set this is an awkward step back. Indicate where/who/when BEFORE the bullets are flying (literal or metaphorical)]

They had talked
[Is this vital? Then you should show us. Is it not? Then don’t draw our attention to such a complicated plot]

is right; for
[Usually I point to semicolons and say ‘period or comma’, but here I think the second bit is unneeded]

So much hypocrisy
[Voice is unclear, which makes it look like Author Intrusion. This could be a thought from Nadia, but it’s not phrased, formatted, or punctuated like one]

daughter was forced
[would be]

he had won this

he felt strangely

And thus we see
[Breaking the 4th wall, Author Intrusive Telling]

connected by bridges…bridges that connected
[Repetition throughout the paragraph]

You might wonder
[Breaking the 4th wall]

cell earlier which was housed by a lonely prisoner
[Cells house prisoners, they are not housed by prisoners. Unless your prisoner is a gigantic corpse being used as a prison]

so he merely
that simply lay

no evidence of broken bones or any scratch marks, so either this person was devoured or he was starved to death
[I don’t see how the details indicate those things. Decomposition takes a while depending on the circumstances, but cloth would’ve rotted before the flesh was all gone]

He had noticed
it had cleared

hoping that god
[Probably capitalized if there’s only one, should say ‘gods’ if there’s plural in this setting]

if you cannot go
[Breaking the 4th wall]

he began to move…fingers not budging
[Your description is self contradictory]

their unnatural use
[Climbing isn’t an unnatural use, it’s unusual]

Steam began to rise
[(water) steam only forms at 100 C]

When a person
[Author Intrusion. This whole paragraph took us away from the action]

but one would be
[Breaking the 4th wall]

pleasantly cool sensation
[I’ve been through activity like what Chrono had. That’s not a pleasant cool, it’s an adrenaline crash and flood of pain held off from sheer will in a burning exhaustion]

He had managed to choose
[Passive, should’ve been a continuous scene instead of jarring scene break. That indicates a shift in person, place, time]

It was a little different
[Nondescriptive. You can’t say “it was different” if we have no frame of reference to start with]

this seemed more like
[How? What details identify it as such?]

he could understand

he had wandered

used for execution or torture
[These are normally distinct areas. Torture is done on people you want alive (such as an unpopular landowner you want to seize assets from but need a signed deed from). Execution is done on somebody you don’t want alive (such as an unpopular landowner with broad but fickle popular support that has eroded your popular support)]

with evil purposes
[Author Intrusive Telling, undescriptive. Devices are technology, it’s what they’re used for that makes them aspects of evil (not evil itself). As you seem to be portraying Guardia as a corrupt empire fated to fall, this would be a good point to give specifics on things there (like hanging irons, various bludgeons, spike-studded chairs)]

hair that was held in stocks
[How would hearing lead to this conclusion?]

Stocks were horrific torture
[1: stop Telling, 2: stockades were common and humane methods of humiliation that have been more vindicated by history than the guillotine, doing little but restricting movement for the hours of a sentence and virtually always public]

What a moment

destroyed the lock with one swing
[breaking the iron sword on the thick lock]

quickly faded as he twisted
[So much for trying to maintain a gloomy atmosphere]

pirates had ransacked
[1: hadverb 2: why are we getting backstory dump when it isn’t changing the immediate scene?]

happened weeks ago, and they have done this to me many times
[In other words he has been released many times]

get to him
[to the chancellor? Or Fritz? Last males identified]

"I know a private way out!"
…straight to the entrance
[That sounds like the main causeway]

might as well be a scholar
[Not being stupid is not the same as being smart]

cautiously peering around
[checking around each corner?]

of the prison sway
[If swaying is visible in anything except hypothermic hysteria or an in-progress collapse, this is not based on real world physics]

moments to register
[I don’t see how sprinting could be unclear]

no thick armor weighed them down
[Most armour is designed to distribute across the body, negating much of weight’s normal encumbering effects. It would take a while before endurance became the deciding factor, and guards are probably trained]

knew that they must have been armed
[Telling. Show us Chrono glancing over his shoulder to see crossbows]

became giddy at the thought
[Head-jumping, Chrono doesn’t know what they’re thinking]

taking some traitors
[Why? They could be honest guards trying to stop suspected convicts and violent criminals from escaping into an unprepared populace]

show of smoking sparks

lightly piercing his

drawing a good amount of blood
Ganheim chapter 13 . 7/13/2015
Chapter 14
if I did anything else
[Like…going into the prison with the guy he’s suspicious of?]

deep reservoir of fear
[You can’t use this phrase, you already repeated it more than once before. “Say it thrice, wash away the conviction”]

All he could offer
"It will all work

I wish I could
[Don’t break the 4th wall. If your characters aren’t strong enough to get the point across, the fault is with how you’re portraying them]

deductive reasoning of the law
[Deductive reasoning is not often present in courtrooms, past or present]

An old judge
[Is it important to get an infodump-style backstory on this judge when his motivations aren’t important to the story. This paragraph is also rather passive, Author Intrusive (comes from no character) and takes us away from the sense of progressive time and scene]

witnesses or people who shall testify
[That’s the same thing]

The chancellor was
[Paragraph is still Author Intrusive, passive. Has no sense of rooting in character]

Now we reach
[Author Intrusive Telling, the whole paragraph]

[Who said this? There are LOTS of characters here, and you haven’t even clearly identified who asked to call Nadia to the stand]

pat on his shoulder
[This would be physically impossible unless you radically change the courtroom]

does not wish
[Then what happened to using Chrono to extract the truth out of her]

only seventeen years of age
[That’s of age in every society but Information Age cultures, of which there aren’t even a ton even in the modern world. Just “she’s not of age” could’ve been enough]

Chapter 15
How is one
[Author Intrusive, doesn’t set the where, when, who. Don’t tell us “chrono enters the court”, show us him shuffling in chains through the door and glancing up at the apathetic people]

shame had came

smile humorously

He could hear
[He heard]

Suddenly, Crono's

an impromptu path
[As built up as you implied the city is, I don’t think there’s such a thing as an impromptu path. The past city had lots of undeveloped spaces where impromptu paths are wherever you can get through. If you mean making his way through the crowd, then ‘opening through the crowd’ is clear and concise]

denounce him ignorantly

Lucca had brought

but he realized
[Telling. Unnecessary]

He did not receive
[Telling that takes us out of the scene. Skip right to what DOES happen]

accused of treason
[Wasn’t it kidnapping?]

His jaw involuntarily
[Adjective, but this sentence is showing]
Suddenly, a large amount
[Adjective, and the paragraph shifts into Telling, looses the character voice]

carried on. The lawyer
[Source Mixing]

Something must be
[If it can’t be described through the characters, it shouldn’t be jammed into the story]

his daughter would have to confess
[You seem to go back and forth between whether he’s trying to kill Chrono just because he can or force Nadia to ‘confess’ (either what did happen or what he wants to hear)]

"I wish to persecute

and had sworn
[Telling…through the rest of the paragraph]

allow it; 's personal files
[Wasn’t 1000AD a roughly renaissance society? Now you’re going into expectations that are only being set up in Information Age societies. Guardia does not have a Stasi]

between insane anger
[I think you’re trying to refer to Insanity and anger, two separate concepts. At least in situations like the court]

be beyond him

full conscious
[conscience? Consciousness? I don’t know what you’re trying to refer to]

evidence A; ransom

The perpetrator had

prepared a place
[Places are not often prepared, especially for ‘drops’ like this. They’re selected]

crimes committed by insanity are immediate in nature
[Untrue, but your story society might not have the information we now have]

down a sight
[What sight? The game indicated guns didn’t come into existence until after 1000AD and Lucca’s was an anomalous prototype that you seem to have written out]

Pierre feinted surprise
[feigned. Unless he has low blood sugar]

He could remember
[Distant telling. You shift back into present-progressing story with the dialog below, so I don’t know why you broke out of the scene here. It just draws the audience out of your story]

what did he think of that justice
[Preachy. You’ve just gone from eroding my sympathy for the characters to eroding my sympathy for the author]

He paused. It was
[The pause is in the scene. Everything after steps away from the present, Telling]

would have given
[Telling. Tighter focalization could’ve allowed this sentiment to feel like a thought from the character in question, but as drifting as this is it can only come from the author]

proclamation of love
[I see no dialog for this. Just a couple wandering sentences of telling that I thought was just internal fury. I don’t think the specifics are important, his patriotism isn’t central or much a part at all of progression through the scene]

Crono and something
[Repetition of ‘and’. A sentence break could go here instead and disrupt nothing]

but he seemed
[Author Intrusive Telling]

wanted this victory

treat the defendant as hostile
[I presume you’re referring to american law where a _witness_ is combative. Online legal dictionaries indicate hostile witness is one at such opposition to the side that called him/her that the opposition is granted permission to cross-examine. This is not what you’re doing where the chancellor is trying to force the defendant to self-incriminate without having evidence to do so, and not something most nations even in their renaissance protected against]

become deafly silent
[The deaf are not always silent. Or did you mean _deathly_?]

thing that Crono had feared
[Passive, lacks phrasing as if from character focus]

It is when he is dead because
[I have no idea what this means]

people who had

when Crono had
[hadverb. Also: I saw nothing to indicate that Chrono was a revolutionary. A lot of emotional accusations, but as much vitriol as the chancellor brought in I don’t think he proved anything, especially with Nadia having run in and added her 2 cents]

"You sure gave
[Who said this? Where? When? In a teleportation/time travel story, within the first sentence of a new scene you MUST answer those questions]

They were walking
[Passive, this paragraph’s information should mostly be present before the dialog. Even with it I don’t know if it’s a guard or chancellor]

weather had taken
Crono was arranged

still smiled sardonically
[Sardonic is mocking cynicism, typically in response to conversation. I think you meant ‘sadism’, but that would leave this Author Intrusive Telling. If you want to reinforce the kingdom of Guardia a corrupt tyranny waiting to be crumbled then show the guards treating him like a toy to beat when they’re bored, if you want to portray this like most jail guards make them bored and apathetic, being rough more because they don’t care than because they intend to do anything]

Did Crono hear correctly
[Looks like the author doesn’t know and asks the audience. This should be a thought coming from Chrono]

while he struggled vainly
[Runon, the focus of the sentence is the chancellor anyway, this isn’t needed]

We were lucky

that we have a shot
[The guard doesn’t have the shot, even the chancellor would result in national upheaval. Flipping the source of the lines (guard before, chancellor here) would help scale up the ambition and cross of the moral event horizon in an easier to follow source line]

cease her actions
[Too vague. Though an even more ‘keep herself under control’ might’ve been better]

mockingly waved a finger
[Not many other ways of waving a finger]

Chapter 16
stone which had seen
[And from active storm to passive text]

night sky constantly
[Just ‘flashed’ does fine, ‘constantly’ makes me think of manipulated Tesla photos]

towers that consisted
[stopping at ‘towers’ would’ve made the sentence concise]

wind had wakened

his head gingerly

He was a little
[A lot of “noun was” construction in this paragraph]
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