|Reviews for Upholding Loyalty|
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 5 . 3/1/2009
"Monroe shouted out to his wife, WHO WAS in the bathroom just off OF the kitchen."
- This makes it less of a run on sentence. And it helps the flow.
"Abarraine sold REAL ESTATE."
- You mention houses later on, but you originally had 'reality,' which doesn't make much sense.
"Her commissions from the mansion alone would cover AVARIE's year of schooling"
- You originally had 'Avery's' but I think that is just a typo.
Oh, man you tied this in with the other chapters well. I'm sure this has to do with the fact that Lily wasn't working on the case for that other character that started with M, sorry forgot his name.
This chapter was pleasantly intense as well as realistic of day to day life. James' reactions are so true and it makes the story stronger because it shows how Lily reacts to him.
Kudos on a great chapter.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 4 . 3/1/2009
You have a talent for focusing on the person rather than the setting and that is a really good skill. It's so fun being in Lily's head. You do a good job of using emotions to make them more human and that makes it easier to be drawn into the story.
Another good quality about your writing is the way it flows. It's easy to read and your word choice fits the situations. Also, great job typing in the man from the Department of Mysteries from last chapter.
"Slowly Lily's sense of loss and helplessness froze away"
I like this phrasing because it's something I've never seen before. Usually feelings "melt away" but this is an interesting feeling that you gave Lily. I really like image of feelings freezing away.
I noticed a few typos, and I thought I'd point them out. They aren't major, and these are just suggestions, so feel free to use them, or not to use them. I just thought I'd mention it. I just use all caps to make the change more obvious.
"The need to REMOVE it heightened as she shifted, groaning."
- You originally had 'removed', which is the past tense. The rest of the paragraph is in present tense. So 'Remove' works better.
"happily finding a LOAF of whole wheat bread."
- You originally had 'load.'
Also in the first sentence you say Lily threw her bag on HER kitchen table, while in the fourth paragraph you say she's eating her dinner in HER FIANCEE'S apartment. I don't know if it's that big of a difference, but you might want to say:
"Throwing her bag uncerimoniously onto JAME'S kitchen table..."
That way it stays consistent..
"through her IN the last twenty-four hours. HARD as she TRIED, silence evaded her and she sobbed openly onto the wooden table BENEATH her."
- These are just suggestions but the phrasing stood out to me. I think it sounds better. But the phrase you used was "Harder and she tried" typically the phrase I'm used to is "Hard as she/he tried."
"The old park down the road where James and her HAD spent many days swinging and picnicking"
Great chapter. The way James is so protective, and Lily so stubborn, shows the chemistry and the character of both of them.
Dvorak was a Death Eater later on in the HP series right? I have forgotten if he was or not, but the name sounds familiar.
Kudos on a great chapter.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 3 . 2/28/2009
"Lily TRIED to regulate her breathing. Sweat droplets formed on her pale forehead and she SQUINTED her eyes to make out any shapes in the unlit corridor."
I just put my suggestions in all caps so you can see them easily. This makes the sentence run more smoothly and make a bit more sense.
And you should put the review replies at the start of the chapter. Let your chapters end on their own. They are powerful and having an a/n at the end makes things very distracting.
kudos on a great chapter,
Jazz. e. Roisin
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 2 . 2/27/2009
You insert memories perfectly into this chapter. You've captured James' personality perfectly. And although overused, 'always and forever' fits perfectly into this story.
One critque though: If Lily was up from 12-12, as it seemed, that would be 24 hours.
But if it was Midnight of one day to eight PM the next that would be only twenty or so hours.
Kudos on a great chapter, you have really amazing writing skills. :D
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 1 . 2/27/2009
What is great about your style is you match the character's personality with the best scenes. That way you execute their reactions and interactions in a believable way.
This shows Lily's stubborn nature and her ability to listen.
Also, you took a great first step by inserting mystery and drama in the first chapter.
| xmakeitamemory chapter 5 . 11/20/2006
you like constructive criticism right? How about... I think you use the word 'epitome' many many many many times. heh. yeah, maybe vary it up? I like the plot! updatee
| grannyHPfan chapter 5 . 6/7/2006
This could turn into a very interesting, even captivating story. You have done an excellent job of building youor characters and laying down your plot lines.
Your imagination has that weird tur to it that I prefer. The L/J characters both being strong and knowing it and working together as mature adults.
Can't wait for the next chappie to see where you will take us.
| Anna Jo chapter 5 . 5/30/2006
wow...nice! you wrote that? very good! i'm so excited to read the next chapter! haha very nice word choice...it adds to the effect! love you
| Anna Jo chapter 4 . 5/30/2006
yay i want cookies! lol jk! this chapter was so sweet! aww haha love u
| Anna Jo chapter 3 . 5/30/2006
wow this chapter sure had me lilylivered hahaha! nice job...love you
| Anna Jo chapter 2 . 5/30/2006
aww this is sweet! you wrote this? jk...i believe it! i love how you still use the same names for all your stories too haha...james and lily :) cute! love you
| Anna Jo chapter 1 . 5/30/2006
wow! so far so good! haha...i really like it so far! it's funny cuz the last piece of writing i read of yours was probably like early to mid-junior year and now we're out of high school and i'm reading your writing again and it's really neat to see how much you have improved! someday you're going to write a book and get it published and i'll totally edit it for you! well...i'm gonna read more haha love you!
| webling-girl05 chapter 5 . 5/26/2006
James is so sweet, aww...I can't wait for you to update! I love this story SO much!
| webling-girl05 chapter 2 . 5/15/2006
I love it so much...can't wait for more!
| webling-girl05 chapter 1 . 5/15/2006
I'm seriously inspired. It's wonderful, and intriging (if I spelled that right). Beautifully brilliant, really.