|Reviews for In Persuit of Beauty|
| Candypoptricksterlove chapter 1 . 9/3/2012
It's a very cute story. I am going to read it again \./
| Darlarose17 chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
Very sweet story, I loved it. It sort of reminded me of Sleeping Beauty. Its like Sleeping Beauty & Snow White & the seven dwarfs combined! I agree about what you said...umbridge...gross! Whoever slept with that toad-faced crazy bitch would be either totally hammered or stoned or freaking nuts! Keep writing for Sirius & Remus, they deserve to be with each other.
| JustDanny chapter 1 . 1/22/2010
oh! She's a really bitch, but i liked her!
| Madam Oz chapter 1 . 8/30/2009
| iwuvwonwon chapter 1 . 6/17/2009
i love this!
| Happiness's Deceit chapter 1 . 1/13/2008
THat was adorable! The little details- like colors of the aura, or how they looked really were stunning! Great job!
| mokubahv chapter 1 . 10/22/2007
Yay for reviewing a story that's been out for almost two years! I loved it! I really and truly did! Excellent work and all that jazz!
| arabellaw chapter 1 . 7/6/2007
I loved your fic!
It was absolutely awsome
you did a great great job here
| kreoff210 chapter 1 . 6/1/2007
| Deluze chapter 1 . 7/6/2005
This story is so cute!
I love the ending. It's one of those perfect Siri/Remmie stories:)
I read what you said about the drawings and I feel inspired to draw something to this story. I will send it to you as soon as I get my scanner in order (have gotten a new multiplayer machine and I haven't bothered to finish setting it up yet).
Keep the great writing up!
| mysticVigil chapter 1 . 3/13/2005
Well I wasn't so excited about the idea of a S/R fic (you know me) but I just had to read the thing that was apparantely insanely appalling, crappy writing meant for a small child. You'll be amused to know that I didn't find the deplorable work I was looking for.
Now let me go and play off the previous review.
"Your word usage is quite dreadful. The story would be much better if you replaced words such as "huge, dusty books" with "thick tomes consisting of pages yellowed with age" or something such as that."
Oh yes, I see that, of course - NOT. I believe your word usage is perfectly fine, especially taking into account that you were going for a fairytale story. (Keeping in mind, of course, that I have never once seen the word "tome" used in a fairytale. But that's just me. *wink*)
It's one thing to want more description - which, yes, you could probably do, granted - but it's another completely to ask you to use a fancy thesaurus for every single word. I'll go even further to say that, with a story that isn't feeding off its own description, the insane amount of descriptions Desiree is asking for would only serve to drag out the story and bore readers. I could be alone in this opinion, but as a firm Shakespeare-Anti I believe wholeheartedly that drowning the reader in meaningless description is a good way to kill a story before it's born. Don't get me wrong - I'm not against description. I am, however, aware that sometimes the lack of description is a powerful tool; the length to which description is needed is a personal preference; and description does not a good story make.
"The English language exists so that people can communicate their ideas, feelings, etcetera, so use it! Manipulate it, twist it, deform it, mangle it until all the rules have been thrown aside and you have something extraordinary."
Ugh... you don't know how much this seriously bothers me. Shakespeare didn't twist the English language; Tennyson didn't; any major early writer that is acclaimed for their portrayal of classic literature did not twist the English language. If you want examples of insane, beautiful description from authors who truly warped the english language look at Anderson, look at cummings, look at Block. Don't look at the classics, look at the contemporaries.
"I think that it would be a good idea if you made the person point of view clear who your narrating as..."
Something I definitely agree with. This is a big thing to look out for, something that, I think, trips up most authors. You're pretty good with this until the big fight scene, and then things get skewed. Not a huge problem, just be on the lookout.
What else, what else... Personally, I liked the way it read as a fairytale. That's what it was supposed to be, and that's what it cam out as. The plot itself - all twisted Disney, heh - was just great. Although, maybe it was just me, but Remmie was insipid and annoying. Ah, well. (Speaking of which, "Remmie" reminds me - of *course* there's the fannon usage of Siri and Remmie! Ff.n is a FANDOM! Lord...)
Anyway... that was enough ranting. Desiree has some valid points, but we have to all remember to be nice here - calling an adult's writing akin to a 10-year-olds is more insulting than all the helpful tips in the world.
Keep writing, darling, and don't let anyone get you down. Criticism is a part of life, unfortunately. And I still think you rock anyway!
| I Write Tragedies chapter 1 . 3/8/2005
Your word usage is quite dreadful. The story would be much better if you replaced words such as "huge, dusty books" with "thick tomes consisting of pages yellowed with age" or something such as that. You definitely need more descriptive terms to improve the story. As of now, the story is very plain and word usage, regardless of what most think, is very important in igniting interest in the reader.
You need a lot more detail to make this fic good. The plot is interesting enough but you need details, which are currently rarely found. I can't even begin to describe to you the way your writing should be if you want it to be good. Right now it's not even mediocre, it's worse than that. You had a great idea but ruined the fic with your immature writing style. I recommend that you read some descriptive poetry such as Mariana by Lord Tennyson or The Question by Percy Bysshe Shelley before writing so that your mind is primed to write in a descriptive way. Then as your writing you should listen to Loreena McKennitt or Joshua Bell's CD Romance of the Violin so that you're subconsciously set to write about the feeling of being in the woods at midnight with your lover. The setting that you create while writing can greatly improve your writing style. Light some candles and spend some time studying the way the flame flickers about so that you are reminded of it as you write. Trust me, you may think you can write about something just from the pure memory of it but it's never as good as if you are writing about something as it's happening because you pick up on the details that you've forgotten. Your memory is only focused on the action itself, not the details and the details are what heightens your story from not even mediocre to exceptional. I'm sure you only see this as fan fiction but I see it as something to be proud of. I see all forms of writing as a way of communicating desires and fears and you cannot communicate such powerful emotions without the details of what makes the emotions so powerful. Do you understand what I mean? Take some time to set the mood before you write, just like one would before making love. It's the same thing although you may not think so. I really hope that you take my advice because I believe that you could be a great writer but you need a lot of work and if you want to be a great writer all you need is patience and the will to carry through with making all your writing great, even fan fiction.
-The dragon writhed in throes of pain, its tail whipping back and forth.-
Try agony instead of pain. It's a much more loaded word and it sends a better picture of how big of an impact the injury had on her. Pain is an overused word and really doesn't mean anything anymore but something like agony is reminiscent of torture and basically that is what Valborg is experiencing, excrutiating agony inflicted on her by Sirius's weapon of destruction.
-Blood flew everywhere, making a horrible mess.-
Hm. That line right there is very... well... it says to me that you either don't have an imagination or that you couldn't be bothered to write a more descriptive line. If you combine these two sentence you could try something like... The dragon thrashed in throes of agony as a torrent of its lifeblood showered the flagstone floor of the tower. There's really no need to mention the "horrible mess" that the blood created because that's sort of implied.
What you need to understand is that the idea for this story is remarkable, refreshing. I haven't read a story like this in all my time on and let me tell you, I've read a lot! So when I found this incredible storyline I was excited because I enjoy escaping the drab stories that are so often found in this fandom but then I was met with a slightly heartbreaking feeling upon reading this fic because the word usage was so awful that it ruined the fascinating story idea. Honestly, reading this I was reminded of the fan fiction I wrote when I was ten-years-old and I was greatly disturbed by this. I absolutely loathe thinking I broke away from the cliches found in other fics just to discover that I was mistaken about the fic I thought had shown me hope. Loaded words give depth to stories, which is why you see authors like Stephen King and William Shakespeare books all over the place and probably in your own home. Authors that know how to completely manipulate their language to fit their needs for it are always well loved and respected for their gift and I can see that you can learn how to do that. You're halfway there with your story idea but your word usage is appalling. If you use loaded words in your story and use them properly you can make your readers see what the characters are seeing, feel what the characters are feeling, experience what the characters are experiencing, and understand what the characters are going through. You can inspire people to change their opinions on things just by using loaded words even in your fan fiction.
The English language exists so that people can communicate their ideas, feelings, etcetera, so use it! Manipulate it, twist it, deform it, mangle it until all the rules have been thrown aside and you have something extraordinary.
I think that it would be a good idea if you made the person point of view clear who your narrating as because switching POVs about constantly can get confusing if there's not clear indication. Also, it's disgustingly too fannon (cliche) for Remus to be referring to Sirius as Siri and Sirius to be referring to Remus as Remmie. They'd never do that in the books. You need to keep some of that realistic.
Just remember my advice and at least consider it.
| Forrest chapter 1 . 2/20/2005
I luv your story!
| YamikiofAnime chapter 1 . 2/11/2005
Do you know I am one of those people who like to see Remus kidnapped, sorry but I do and you do a DAMN good job to keep me pleased I shall read more stories *pats author on the back*
| WardenMistress chapter 1 . 1/27/2005
YAY! This was a really cool fic! *huggles it* It was really good, well written! Hehehe aww now Regulus won't be able to marry into that family...haha but it was great _