Reviews for The Dragon's Onigiri
Kimberly ong chapter 14 . 11/30/2013
Hatori looked at tohru's sad face, putting an arm around her softly.
MysticSorceror chapter 14 . 3/13/2008
I really like how you included this chapter, it's nice to see _years into the future scenes. Still some awkward phrasing. You shift tense improperly. I'm not too keen on any of the couples but you seem to make them work. If he looks comfortable why does he also look shy and nervous? I really like how Hatori adopts the role of the father. I'm surprised Aya and Shigure didn't visit Hatori a lot.

Two days later:

Again difficult wording. Aww, that's pretty sad, try to balance the dialogue. Don't people trust them around the Sohma estate too? And how old is Kyoushi to actually have friends?

The next morning:

Maybe state where she fell asleep. I'm a bit concerned that there wasn't something to balance the last three lines of dialogue, it seems there should be.

Epilogue:

Wow, Yuki owns a restaurant? Can he even cook o.O? I don't think the ending suits all of the characters, especially Yuki and Kyo *shrugs*

But it was nice

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 13 . 3/12/2008
Try not to repeat words, wow, pretty cute. Some confusing lines. Is this Mit-chan? I'm pretty confused to who this is. Okay, I'm guessing it is Mit, I love the idea of reckless driving. I think there needs to be some work on characterization and balance the dialogue. Aww the emotions are so sweet, nice agreement.

Meanwhile:

Some awkward wording. How did they get pickled already? Try to balance the dialogue. I like the small touches of emotion you spark but maybe lengthen this part some.

Meanwhile:

Poor Kyo T_T. I love how you portray the Kagura-Kyo relationship. The word simply grindson me here. So sweet

Meanwhile:

Nice description of Shigure's lips.

Meanwhile:

Funny word order and try not to repeat words.

Anyway, nice work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 12 . 3/12/2008
I wonder who organized this party? Was it the school or the Sohmas? Try to make these things clear so that the reader doesn't have any lingering questions. The dialogue seems to lack a little emotion and once again I think it's the formal tone you choose. Try not to repeat phrases so maybe move the whispering between Kagura and Kyo next to the part where they're also coming along. "as did Hatori's look" sounds a bit weird to me, you seem to give the emotion to the physical body or emotion. Again repetition, Otsu, wow. I love how he had to argue with Ayame and Shigure for moving, I love Aya's reaction.

In Otsu:

Nice description in this part. "the family can take care of himself"? Try to balance the dialogue a little. I don't think that Tohru would speak so directly about Shigure, but maybe Hatori is rubbing off on her a little. Incident? The wording is still a little weird. I love how the scenes ending seems to parallel the beginning

Meanwhile:

The wording is still really awkward, and there seem to be fragmented lines. I like how he reasons this out with himself

Meanwhile:

Another male wedding dress o.O, that man has some really really special tastes. I love Mine's words, they should comfort Aya.

Meanwhile:

"Publishing his editor"? It's really tough to read because of the awkward wording, sorry to tell you that because it must sound really harsh, if you read through it yourself, I hope you'll understand what I mean. Aww, poor Mit-chan, always worried about torture. Balance the dialogue in this part, I like the emotion in this part.

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 11 . 3/11/2008
Some awkward phrasing, I think you put some word words in instead of the right ones. Yay Golden Week, I love the reunion at the lake.

The first day of golden week:

It's getting kind of confusing here and I've tried to read it twice other. I think you need to have more development on Matsumori. I think it's so cute how Tohru and Hatori are running the clinic together. Nice figurative language with the silk.

Two days into the week? [Two days later? o.O]

I'm a little confused to why the body parts all seem to be making the actions/delivering the dialogue. Aww that interaction was so cute, but is it wise to compare Matsumori to another girl? Awkward phrasing. There's a lot of unneeded repetition in this part. Aww, that's so sad that she got hurt. Nice ending.

Nice work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 10 . 3/11/2008
Poor Yuki, perhaps rephrase some of the sentences, again I think the sentences and language are too structured. Try to remain in the same tense all the way through. I like the description, red eye? I dislike the phrase "her body stood up" since it shows lack of control on her part. Attempt to hold back on repetition of phrases. Try to balance out the dialogue somehow. The dialogue seems to lack emotion but I love the idea of this girl. I can't believe that she's just ready to spill all of this information. Again, awkward phrasing.

Wow, if I were Yuki, it would pretty much kill me to see Tohru as his assistant. Again some pretty awkward phrasing and the pace seems to move too fast. Try to develop your OC's a bit.

Meanwhile:

I love how Shigure seems excited about this, the scene is a bit too short however.

The next day:

Try to include some more nonverbal communication and once again extend the scene. Nice end though.

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 9 . 3/10/2008
The opening is so mournful, it's really good. Some repetition. Poor Akito, I love this description, it's breathtaking. Poor Tohru, I really am wondering what's happening. The characterization lacks on this part, I don't really think that it matches the dialogue. Try to balance the dialogue somehow. I love the emotion that you've brought into the scene.

Later:

Some awkwardness still, and there may be a bit too much repetition of names. I love how sweet the romance in this chapter seems to be, it's cute. Aww the ending to this part is adorable

Meanwhile:

I like how the two scenes mirror one another. Try to balance the dialogue. Wow, I think that's sweet but what about Rin? Aww, that was such a cold thing to say about Akito. The scene could be lengthened but it is sweet.

Meanwhile:

I think the thoughts are a bit too formal, I know that's your style of writing but try and have it a bit more casual in some characters. Poor Yuki but the thoughts get rather bland because of the formality of the language. Yay gardening XD

Meanwhile:

I love this conversation but maybe strengthen the emotions behind the words some more. I love the snow to spring part. I'm a bit confused by the last line of this part: "knew more of what would happen if it did happen."

Meanwhile:

I'm a little confused when you say "his voice saw Shigure" Wow, is he falling asleep? The conversation definitely needs some nonverbals because it seems to initiate a deep discussion which means the reader needs to feel some form of emotion. Wow, that's a kind of Shigureish thought.

Anyway, nice work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 8 . 3/9/2008
Some of the wording is a bit awkward, if you edit it I have the feeling it will be breathtakingly good. Wow, Kyo must be a bit angry at Kagura, I like how you chose to show the two of these interacting. Wow, what's wrong with Kagura? I'm happy to see how much she cares for him, it's adorable. I like how you created this relationship, it's pretty sweet and I like imagining this side of them. Wow, I wonder how Kyo felt after he said that since he didn't seem to know before hand.

Meanwhile:

Wow, he's not going to have his memories erased is he? Isn't it Nii-san because Nee-san is older sister ;;. This reminds me of book 9? When Ayame comes to see Yuki and manages to follow him toward the base. Wow, Aya really does say the wrong things. Lol, I love Ayame's reasoning, this actually has me wanting to work on one of my older fics Helba-nee-san.

Meanwhile:

I love the description it really sets the tone. I'd try to balance the dialogue since it tries to monopolize the scene but I am concerned for Akito. Wow, that's a pretty quick death notice. It's pretty sad that Akito's dying is how the curse will break.

Meanwhile:

Some awkward wording. The emotions seem a little dead but I'm not sure what it is. Can't Kisa embrace Tohru now? I'm glad that Kagura and Kyo are together, Kyo deserves to be happy with someone.

It's good but I'd like to see more

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 7 . 3/9/2008
Some of the lines are slightly stiff, maybe add more information or have it flow some more. But I do like the interaction between Yuki and Tohru. Some of the wording is pretty awkward though I do enjoy the plot and the emotion, the wording gets in the way somewhat. Add some more nonverbal communication. It gets a little confusing here. The language seems a bit too formal and this must be such a harsh letdown. I like the description of Hatori but some of the wording is difficult to follow.

Meanwhile:

Aww, the scene is so cut but try not to repeat phrases. I love how much she seems to care for Hatori. The scene seems a bit rushed and I'd like to see some more emotion here.

Meanwhile:

Aww poor Kyo and Yuki. I like how depressed they are about this, it's pretty sad. Slightly awkward phrasing.

Meanwhile:

I like the atmosphere of the house. Balance the dialogue with nonverbal communication and description.

Meanwhile:

The way you portray them together is adorable and almost makes me love the couple.

Fantastic work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 6 . 3/9/2008
I like the opening but there is still some weird phrasing. Fantastic description and emotion, I love the actions in this scene

Meanwhile:

I love the emotions, some dropped words. I think you need to strengthen characterization a little more.

Flashback:

Try not to repeat words, I like that you chose to reflect back on this scene. Maybe lengthen the scene since I'd love to read more of that part.

End Flashback

Maybe state who's speaking, is he on the phone? It's slightly confusing

Meanwhile:

I like how you do all this without much dialogue, the Tohru waking up part, it has a good tone. Wow, that was sort of good timing that he just got to her when she was leaving. Maybe try not to repeat the names so much. I love the emotions between the two of them. Aww, that thought is really sad.

Meanwhile:

Some awkward phrasing but I feel sad for their emotions. I feel sorry for Tohru as well, you're great at capturing the emotion here. Maybe include some more nonverbals with the dialogue.

Great work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 5 . 3/8/2008
I adore the emotion you create with this chapter helba-sama Wow, funny thing is I can imagine Hatori doing all of that. I love the dialogue, you actually help me to see them as a couple, nice work. The characterization seems a lot stronger here but perhaps allow the language to be more...casual. Great opening, it's so deep!

Meanwhile:

The phrasing is kind of awkward at this part. I'm kind of glad that he's worried about Tohru but I don't think Kyo did anything that wrong.

Flashback:

The wording is a little repetitive but I love this, I like the plotline and his concern. Still some awkward wording. Nice analogy with the butter knife.

End Flashback:

Aww, Momiji's concern is sweet as well. I'm a bit worried about Hatori as well

Flashback:

I love the emotion and I think that this is pretty in character as well. That must have been a bit hurtful for Kyo and I like that you concentrated on his pain a lot in this chapter.

Meanwhile:

Maybe talk about what food they're eating but I like the description about the emotion in the room. Wow, Tohru's pretty daring. I'm surprised that Hatori's not at least a little taken aback by her asking that.

Flashback:

I like Yuki's disgust, as much as I love Yuki this is an accurate voice for him. I'm a bit confused about the ending.

Meanwhile:

Very cute ending, so sweet.

Great work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 4 . 3/8/2008
I love the emotions you explore in the opening paragraph, but her thoughts seem a little fluffy, which isn't my particular taste. Some awkward phrasing. I actually like the idea behind the scene but some of the action could have been drawn out, how did Tohru feel about Shigure's comments and why wasn't their conversation longer? etc. Poor Tohru, I really feel for her but it could have been developed some more. Tohru isn't acting like herself, strengthen the characterizations, some spelling issues and dropped words.

Poor Yuki, I love him *hugs Yuki tightly*. I love the style of this part, it really works well with the characters. Some grammar errors in the conversation between Hatori and Shigure. Aww I love the line: I won't let her wilt.

Wow, Tohru's actions seem a bit rash but then I'm not the writer.

Meanwhile:

I love the interaction at this point and it does seem like something they would do, very in-character.

Nice work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 3 . 3/8/2008
Try to hold back on repeating words such as small. I like the opening though it really sets the scene. Try and add some nonverbals between the dialogue. Still some awkwardness in the lines but it's definitely getting better.

Meanwhile:

The first sentence isn't very clear you should state what they're brainstorming about even though the reader can probably assume. I don't think that they'd quite get along this well.

Meanwhile:

There still needs to be a little clarifications in the lines but I love the descriptions. I wonder how Tohru gave in to letting Hatori pay for her. Try to keep the tense the same the whole way through. I love hearing about the appearance with the clothes. I don't think either Tohru or Hatori would say 'yeah', I think yes would be better.

Meanwhile:

Try to add more nonverbal communication in your writing. This scene was pretty short.

Meanwhile:

Wow, I wonder what this special place is, sorry it just sounds sorta...erotic to me. I like the emotions between Hatori and Tohru, it's sweet. I love this description of the place, it's really nice. And great comparisons. Some spelling errors.

Meanwhile:

This is a kind of weird plan, stalk Tohru and get everyone in on it? It gets a little confusing to know who's talking with so many characters involved. Wow, Aya is kind of...well Ayaishy

Meanwhile:

I love the emotion in this part. I'd like to have seen this part lengthened a bit

Meanwhile:

I like Yuki's thoughts but once again this part seems too short to me.

Meanwhile:

I love the idea of Aya calling Shigure, it's just like him. I can't believe that Aya was actually able to see that XD. I like the conversation but once again nonverbals might compliment the dialogue.

Meanwhile:

I think that the characterization seriously lacks in this part, Hatori doesn't seem to be one to say these things. The pace in this part is too hurried, and it switches too quickly

Meanwhile:

Wow, I actually liked the ending a lot

Nice work

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 2 . 3/8/2008
Try to cut down on repeated words, the first paragraph is slightly confusing and the diction seems slightly off. Awkward phrasing and the pace moves too fast, also the first paragraph seems more complex than it should be.

Meanwhile:

Try not to repeat names quite so much, some of the lines could be phased much better. The dialogue seems to monopolize the scene, add either descriptions about the setting or some nonverbal communication. The emotion seems to lack in the scene as well.

Meanwhile:

I like the depth of Hatori's character, wow that's pretty convenient for Hatori, try to include some nonverbal description. I don't think that Yuki would quite think this way, he wouldn't threaten Hatori.

Meanwhile:

I like the idea of the flower wilting. Try not to repeat words too often.

That night:

The scene seemed too short to be included, either lengthen or omit but I do like Tohru's feelings

The next day:

Still some awkwardness in the phrasing.

Meanwhile:

Some repetition of words, I like the description of the clothes. The emotion should have more depth but I do like the idea of the first date.

Nice work, I'm looking forward to reading more

Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 1 . 3/7/2008
Try not to repeat words even if they are in a different tense. I love the idea of him thinking about Kana but I'm not exactly sure that he'd want her back. The language seems too formal even for Hatori. Some of the grammar could be placed better. Some awkward phrasing. In case is two words not one ;; Wow, Hatori is braving himself to visit Shigure. Try to work on characterization some more, I think that Shigure would sound more excited to have Hatori call him.

At Dinner:

Some of the sentence structure is a little off, if you ever think of continuing this try and edit the first chapter. Wow, Hatori can blush? "so strong" sounds like something a girl would say, try to make Hatori a bit more...Hatoriish. And wouldn't Tohru probably say Thankyou rather than just Thanks. I'm pretty confused about the line with the mouse. More than that a seahorse can't hold plates...I don't think.

Flashback-Hatori's POV:

"was special" sounds pretty weird. I like the idea of having Kana in here but maybe you could have lengthened that scene.

End Flashback:

I'm not entirely sure that you've got Hatori's character down right in this part, some of the dialogue doesn't exactly suit him. Wow so age really doesn't matter in this fic, I guess. Some of the conversation also seems to drag a little. Wow, that was a bit weird but then I'm not a huge fan of the couple, and yes I know I wrote a story about them once myself. I like that you seemed to build up to these emotions, that makes the scene more plausible.

Meanwhile:

If you're using present tense wouldn't it be "Tohru lay in bed" rather than "Tohru lie in bed". Feel his feelings? o.O

Anyway nice chapter, I hope to read more soon

Myst
56 | Page 1 2 3 .. Last Next »