|Reviews for If Harry's Parents Really Could Be Alive|
| Guest chapter 7 . 1/2
| Holly-trissetta chapter 2 . 12/20/2012
lily potters full name i think is Lily Rose Potter ( nee Evans )
| weasleygirl31 chapter 7 . 11/24/2009
I am confused on the cave. i would edit the chapters more and make them a lot longer.
| weasleygirl31 chapter 1 . 11/24/2009
I don't know about the Sirius being freedand Ron/ Hermione so soon, but, I'll keep reading.
| hpgrl95 chapter 7 . 10/12/2009
really cute fic
| blueyblonde chapter 7 . 7/29/2009
| blueyblonde chapter 7 . 7/29/2009
| anonymous chapter 3 . 5/25/2009
k i like your ideas, but it's really jumbled and hard to follow in places. you need to explain them better and separate paragraphs would be nice (i have kind of bad vision). This needs some serious editing. But i commend you since it's not your first language.
| MiroticELF chapter 1 . 7/17/2008
i like the way the story is going and i also like how you changed in their fifth year and did not keep everything the same.
| Beth5572 chapter 7 . 1/25/2005
I would love to see want you write next.
| Sonicdale chapter 6 . 1/24/2005
I'm going to read all the chapters. Here's a running commentary:
Nice prologue. It explains all that is needed nicely.
It is Azkaban, not Azcaban. You've misspelled this badly several times, as a few other key names and places.
Arthur Weasley as Minister? Nice idea, but Arthur wasn't really in line - unless he ran for the position
Apostrophes. There are some bad nonuseages you have. IE: "Harry managed to flee with Cedrics dead body." Should be Cedric's.
Chapter 2. Hm. One big paragraph. Needs some editing. Nice idea about the sisters. Runon sentences and jolting narrative hurt this. Break up the thoughts, the description, and you'll have a great mid-point chapter.
Chapter 3. Again with the runon monster paragraph? Break it up.
Lily's conjuring up some easy breakfast? Did she cook it? Wandless magic? Explanation, please.
The 'finding of her sisters' wasn't clear. In fact, most of the first paragraph needs a rewrite. It has too many jumbled directions and information. Break it up.
The scene in Olivanders was okay, but you buried it again in one paragraph. Break it up. I liked the wands - nice combinations.
Liked the scene with Harry meeting his aunts and family. Needed some editing. You went from past tense to present to past tense again. Choose one, stick with it.
The dining room scene was fun. Who was doing the announcing? You never said.
Chapter 4. Nice. The family will all be at Hogwarts? Cool.
Lily's response needs to be in quotes, or at least italics. She thought that - it sounds odd by itself.
You start the chapter in first person. Then you switch to third. Choose a voice.
"and they flooded to Kings Cross" should be "and they flooed to King's Cross"
and "There they were met with shocked looked as people..." should be "There they were met with shocked looks as people..."
I know, Norwegian is your native language. Just watch the verb tenses.
Det kan du!
Snape applied for some time off, not time of.
Proffesional career, not carrier. :)
You've captured Dumbledore's voice well as he introduces the new teachers. Bravo.
Last paragraph/sentence, chapter 5: Hard to follow. Needs rewording, especially the "In his place I have chosen Sirius Black to be put." - sounds odd. Take off the "to be put." The rest of the paragraph is muddled - I wasn't sure what you were saying.
The dialogue was good, but hard to follow. You need some "he said" or "she said" statements to say who said what.
Setting the Scene: You didn't do this here - we're guessing as to where the heck this is all happening. Drop a line or two of description of who is there, what they're doing and then describe where they are. THEN drop into the story.
Also, you didn't really talk about what the cave was. Or where it was, in relation to where they started.
Last thought: I liked the whole premise, but a plot isn't developing. Also, there are a few characters we'd like to see: Draco, the Weasley twins, etc. How they would relate to the Potter family would be interesting.
In all this is great. Needs some work, mainly structure and editing. I also wish we could have had some interaction between Harry and his parents - JKR filled whole pages of Harry's longing for a family and you gave us one sentence of "Yay! I have a family" in chapter one. We never heard Harry talk to his dad about Quidditch, his mother about her sister - the Dursleys, and other stuff. Small bits, I know, but might help fill out the story.
Looking forward for more!