|Reviews for How to say I love you|
| DamonXSalvatore chapter 1 . 7/22/2012
| MissLemmon chapter 1 . 8/16/2011
Okay, not to be terribly insulting, but I think you've never had sex before. Not that I find that bad. The thing is, people should write what they 'know'. If you've never done it, you can't properly describe it.
| Mulanzu chapter 1 . 9/2/2010
Not bad, Love the end :)
| KireiHana1997 chapter 1 . 9/2/2010
You said you wanted me to let you know specifically where you messed up, so...
"She had known for a while, he wasn't as good of an actor as he liked to think. She wasn't sure if the others could tell, but she always could. Just like with Yugi and his darkness. She always knew. Ryou Bakura was no different. Sometimes it was subtle, sometimes it was obvious, sometimes she couldn't tell until she looked into his eyes."
You know, this is...okay, but it's really not the best opening paragraph you could have. I would rearrange it a bit. Create a new opening paragraph by combining some of your already existing sentences and adding on to it. Instead, start with something like, "She had known for a while that he wasn't as good of an actor as he liked to think. Sometimes it was subtle; sometimes it was obvious; sometimes she couldn't tell until she looked into his eyes; but she could always tell." Then describe HOW she could tell. What change goes on in the eyes? Why is it she notices? Is it just a feeling that he's somehow different, or is it a physical thing? Describe it. Don't just tell the reader: Show them.
"But she wouldn't tell Yugi. Half the time the dark Bakura didn't do any damage at all. Like a month or so before, she, Yugi, Jonouchi, Honda, and Ryou had went to a dance club-Her idea of course. After arriving though, it was obvious to her that Ryou was no longer among them, just his darkness, just 'Bakura.' It was alright though, he didn't do anything, just danced, and ate, and drank. Just like Jonouchi and Honda."
This is a bit drawn out and confusing. "A month or so before..." Before what? At what point is this story starting? Is this after Duelist Kingdom, when Yugi and the gang think Ryou is rid of the spirit of the Ring? If so, that would be a good thing to explain. It would actually add some depth to this story, as you could say that Anzu is the first to realize that Bakura still resides within Ryou - that when Honda tossed the ring into the forest, he didn't really get rid of Bakura. It would explain why the others don't notice, and it would help explain why Anzu might be a little uneasy about informing the others that Bakura is still there. While they're at the club, maybe it starts out as Ryou being there, but then Bakura takes over. Describe the change. What happens, exactly? How does Anzu notice? Did something trigger it?
The basic plot could maybe work, if you go back and revise some things. Add a bit more description and backstory. Give us a timeline.
Now to go over some of your misspellings, grammar mistakes, and strange word choices.
"To her shcok and surprise"
You mean "shock," right?
She found him to be fun, in a sardonic, sadistic sort of way."
So...did you just crack open a thesaurus and just pick and old word you thought might describe Bakura? While Bakura may be sadistic, and he may even be sardonic, they aren't really words that Anzu (or anyone in their right mind, really) would associate with fun. Marik, maybe...Anzu, no. You're basically saying that a depressing jackass who likes to hurt things just for his own sick pleasure would be fun. That's not like Anzu at all. Besides, what exactly is sardonic or sadistic about the way he dances in a club? Is this an S&M dance club? I wasn't aware minors were able to get in there.
"Anzu danced among the masses, swaying her hips from side to side, bouncing and twirling every so often."
You don't dance much, do you?
"Hello Anzu." He said, faking Ryou's voice.
After dialogue, unless the following word is a proper noun, you don't capitalize it. So it should be "Hello Anzu." he said.
"Do you…? Want to dance..?" She asked
You need to fix your punctuation here. "Do you?" is not a question that makes sense in this context. Since she's simply pausing in her speech, it should be "Do you...want to dance?"
"close enough to feel each others breathe when the crowd grew larger."
You mean "breath."
"Did you have fun Bakura Kun?"
Okay. Stop right now. First off, you shouldn't be using Japanese honorifics in an English story. Not only that, but you even did it incorrectly. If you're going to use honorifics (WHICH YOU NEVER SHOULD), it should be written "Bakura-kun."
"Yeah…"Bakura said, seeming to forget who he was imitating mor a moment, letting his hand swing up to his hip, leaning on one leg.
Um...when does Bakura ever stand like Captain Morgan? If he does, please show me a clip of this. I could use the entertainment.
she didn't think think that Bakura would trudge along the courtyard for any reason that wasn't lidew threatening-and even then...
Uh...what? What the hell is "lidew"? I don't even know what word you were trying to put here. Is it French?
"Later that day, Anzu walked to Ryou's apartment house"
Is it an apartment or a house? Is it a townhouse? A duplex? A condo? There's a big difference between all of these. Or are you saying it's an apartment complex?
If he can get an apartment house, I want a duplex bungalow.
"She knocked at the door, and Ryou answered, quickly turning into Bakrua."
Please check your work for typos like this. Who is "Bakrua?"
"He lead her inside to the living room, where they proceeded to play video games.
Hours later she left, it had been a wonderful day, she could say that her and Bakura were definitely friends now, by her account at least."
So, you're pretty much saying... "They went inside, did stuff, and then she left! Yay!" How...exciting? Describe what they did, you lazy, lazy author. You've got no real development between these two. Why should I believe they like each other? Nothing they've done suggests a budding romance because you've skipped over every time they've been together. You just say "They were together and fun stuff happened!" Tell us what this fun stuff is. Maybe say that Bakura has been giving her sidelong glances. What is she thinking while she's there? What's he thinking? How are they interacting? We need to see this to believe that anything romantic could happen between them.
"Weeks later, she walked over to the same apartment house, the memories gave her strength, she wanted to talk him, tell him how she felt. Ask him if maybe they could be friends, or… something more…"
Yeah, this totally came out of the blue.
"Anzu knocked on the same door that she often had in the past"
You only said she'd been there once. When did she go back? How many times? What did they do those other times? I'm so confused right now.
"Ryou answered the door again, but when Bakura saw who the guest was, he took over."
You know...Ryou must be very confused by all of this. Poor kid. He never gets a chance to be in the story.
"He seemed a bit nervous or edgier now. She got the feeling he didn't like that she found out, but he was done pretending yet."
What the hell? Your tenses are all sorts of messed up here. You have the verb in past tense, then a present noun like "now." And then you said "he was done pretending yet." What? Do you mean he wasn't done pretending or are you just from the south and that's how you speak?
Not to insult southern people or anything...but you definitely speak differently than northerners (you know, us damn yankees.)
"We are friends Anzu." He said sweetly, imitating Ryou's voice better than before when his guard was down."
This is...fucking creepy. That's all I have to say.
"Balura said looking as if he was thinking about it"
"This made Anzu feel horrible, she turned her head away as her eyes threatened to spill over."
So...her eyes were going to fall out? That's a serious medical condition. Maybe she should see a doctor.
"On the other hand," Bakura said, lifting his hands like a balance,"
Um, you mean like a balance scale? Or...what? What are you trying to say here?
"Bakura grabbed Anzu around the back and pushed her closer to him, capturing her lips as he did."
So he wrapped his arms around her and pushed her towards himself? That's not physically possible. The word you're looking for here is "pulled." The opposite of push.
"Bakura trailed down her neck to her color bone."
I don't know what a color bone is. I wonder if it's anything like a collar bone.
Okay, I'm not even going to quote your sex scene because it was so damn horrible. Seriously, he sticks one finger in her and she immediately orgasms? And they got all sweaty from that? Wow. Just wow. Maybe you should rethink having a sex scene so early in a story, since you didn't develop the relationship at all. You just said "Hey, they like each other." and didn't give a reason. And then they just decide to fingerbang. Uh...okay.
I didn't really highlight any of the points you did this in the story since it was almost every sentence, but LEARN THE PROPER USE OF A COMMA. You have way too damn many. Comma splice after comma splice after comma splice. Periods are your friend. Don't be afraid to use them. Just because they're associated with bitchiness around a certain time of the month doesn't mean you should neglect them. They deserve a little love.
I'm not going to be completely negative here though. The idea of Anzu and Bakura isn't that bad, I guess. You don't see too much interaction between the two in the show, so that leaves a lot of room for speculation. It would be nice if Anzu learned something about Bakura as a person; got to know the so-called "evil" spirit. You just need to go into a bit more detail about the relationship. It isn't too hard to do if you're passionate about it. Don't just say they're together; describe how it happened. Make it believable. If you ever fix this story, I would like to reread it. I think it could be quite enjoyable.
| Sepsis chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
Ive always asked me why no one recognized it that it wasnt ryou..
| ELLIE 31773 chapter 1 . 12/3/2007
wow that was a good one , i love it very much so did my sister.
| jess chapter 1 . 5/21/2007
wow i think that was quite good! i had to explain to my brother what a lemon was...
| moonscout11 chapter 1 . 2/17/2006
This was an awesome chapter! Please keep up the good work!
| Zorah-Fire chapter 1 . 8/6/2005
| Death by Me chapter 1 . 7/24/2005
i think that the story was really good. update please before i get mad.
| Tormented Inoccence chapter 1 . 6/3/2005
So cute you should make a sequel!
| OfCakeAndIceCream chapter 1 . 5/27/2005
CUTE _ I got an AnzuxBakura one-shot m'self but its rated T...anyway way cute!
| Melimea chapter 1 . 4/16/2005
yeah! I love these...you plan to continue yes? I hope so, I shall add you to my watch and wait for more...I hope. You will write more yes! *pokes you hopping you won't agnore her*
| iKiohri chapter 1 . 4/16/2005
ah! soo good and sexeh! _ LOL! I loved it! keep writing!
| dong-chun-mei chapter 1 . 4/9/2005
O.o wow... strange pairing but still really good!