|Reviews for Forever Destiny :: Before the Beginning|
| MorganRay chapter 18 . 6/22/2008
So, I can say this took forever to reply to because of my busy/slightly more interesting life. However, at my coach's request, this is my 'time off' right now. Anyway, one thing I wanted to say is that I loved the action sequence. The climax of this story is infinately better than the one you originally had in mind/wrote. I can see how this ties into the series more easily, and it just is more epic. I think you've also captured the spirit of desperation during battle that is felt throughout the RW/YST story.
| Jujirae chapter 1 . 4/11/2007
Ok, so I was REALLY into this story, because I REALLY wanted to find out what the deal was on Hariel and the Ancient One... but when I started it...
I'd just like to give you a pointer and please do not take offense:
DON'T USE NAMES THAT NO ONE CAN PRONOUNCE! It almost looks like you were scrabbling aimlessly on the keyboard with your eyes closed just so that you could look at the screen and use that jibberish for your character's names. I stopped reading right after the third .
Again, don't be offended, but that's just for future reference:). I look forward to the edited version (with names like Bill and Sally for your characters, or, heck, even Eragon would work!)
| A September Rose chapter 17 . 1/26/2007
I always feel like I'm mentioning these sorts of things, but *language.* Unless it's in character for someone to be swearing, I feel kind of weird whenever I see random expletives. You have this Great Father talking in what seems to be pretty formal speech... then all of a sudden he's going off in what seems a very coarse manner. Just a thought.
Like the focus on Hariel (I think he's one of my faves), like the introduction of the mysterious person helping him, and like how T'myra's back. I still find myself getting confused by how many different names everyone has, but that's a personal thing.
Go! You're almost done! The sooner you finish this, the sooner you can do more beta-work for me :-P *runs off to type Gonou's story*
| A September Rose chapter 16 . 1/23/2007
Ok, I'm finally caught up, you are allowed to post again. j/k
There was a lot going on in that battle, wasn't there? Seemed like everyone kept pretty busy, which is what you wanted.
Mostly, I'm interested in the stuff with Hariel. Not to say that your other parts are boring, but this just seems like the biggest thing going down, so I'd like to hear more on it.
Spelling, grammar ok. No big critiques, but then, when do I ever?
| A September Rose chapter 15 . 1/23/2007
Hey, I'm back and finally reviewing the chapters I didn't get to from... uh, months ago? *bows* Suma...
Anyway, it seems you've already revised this a number of times, so nothing major to correct. Storywise, still good. Ah, the things we do for love... _
| MorganRay chapter 16 . 1/6/2007
First, I will say that your battle sequence is impressive. Your story has lost none of its brilliance with time. Actually, I think your style is more smooth now, and it's really made the story better to read. Also, I liked how you introduced Dara earlier. It really will establish what you plan to do with him later, and having him attack Kokuen-oh was a great intro for Dara.
In addition, I liked the song. It way a lovely piece of work, and it came at the right time, too. Also, you've showcased the abilities of each of your characters very well in battle, but the best part had to be when K'kedki fought with the swords as one weapon. I could picture that part perfectly in my head, and it was crucial and impactful in your story. Long battle scenes are hard to right, but you kept the intensity flowing throughout the scene, and it didn't drag. Also, you managed to develop your characters while the battle was happening. So, the action wasn't just wasted motion, but it was important plot development, too.
Also, the expert about R'rufu's chest was very amusing. That touch of humor was great. Also, the flirting in that part added humor to reduce the stress from the battle scene.
I can see why you consulted people who are into 'combat' as you put it. It really shows in your story, and I, admittedly, am not a D&D player. However, whatever you did, really improved this fic from the previous chapters. Also, when you mentioned rewriting this, are you planning to make this into an original fic? And on a more final note, I would like to thank you for the critique you gave me. While I'm not admittedly bent on perfection for my fics, because of studying, working, and practicing to play in a variety of music festivals, I am concerned about getting plot, characters, and background (in that order)- to the closest extend that I can - correct. So, thanks for your help, and good luck with your fic in the future. I hope to read more as soon as your muse and your calander frees up so that you can write.
| MorganRay chapter 14 . 6/21/2005
I finally got around to sending a review, cause i remember you wanting an anonymous one. As i skimmed, i thought maybe that the paragraph that described the castle and her T'myra's room was too large. Eh, that's the only thing new i found. Waiting to hear from you soon.
| Amber Nosmada chapter 3 . 6/21/2005
Irritatingly enough, FFN deleted about half of my last review. I guess I'm going to have to go back and retype it. Oh well. Expect another long review. I'm sorry that the last review is obviously only HALF of a review. I hope that I can remember everything that I originally posted. I think I can. Well, I'll continue reviewing shortly, but for now, I am very tired.
| Amber Nosmada chapter 2 . 6/21/2005
Okay, let's try this again, shall we? Now that I read this again, I like the dialect, and the names (such as S'soz), difficult to pronounce as they look to be. You seem to have a good grip on creating cultures and names, and your dialect is well-done. In retrospect, I begin see to why you describe S'soz and Vynefycua so much: they die here? However, if S'soz and Vynefycua die in this chapter, then it's probably NOT important that you describe them so much because they're obviously minor characters. As important as it may be to you to show exactly what people look like, a minor character should be given the amount of description necessary for a *minor* character.
The part with Hariel and Shedosh was better, but there's still too much description. Watching your characters talk and explain things to one another that it seems like they rightly SHOULD know (such as Mages vs Mystics vs Everything Else), I get the feeling that you're still rushing the information. You give too much world information at once, and it doesn't feel natural. It feels as if these people are blurting out facts of their world that they should already know simply because you want the reader to understand more about the planet. Well, it sticks out like a sore thumb. When you write conversation, consider that these people have lived on this planet their whole lives, presumably. They should not talk as though they're giving the readers a guided tour. Some abiguity would be good. The conversation with Shedosh and Hariel had some very nice points, but at other times, it just didn't feel natural. It felt like an oral infodump.
Now, chapter two-
"Embarrass" is how I think it is spelled.
"whisps of black hair "
"wisps" of black hair
This chapter is better, I see. You're no longer describing TOO much stuff. Yet, why do you AGAIN mention that Hariel's hair is white? You JUST mentioned it in the first chapter. We haven't already forgotten that.
"Hariel sighed, his own white hair falling in tufts about his face"
Aside from his sigh, this is an absolutely useless sentence. In the prologue, you already established that his hair fell in tufts around his face, thus this is a redundant sentence.
"What'd you steal that made Kohherth want you so bad?"
I don't know if Hariel is supposed to be using bad grammar, but this should be "so badly", since "badly" is an adverb to describe "want". "Want bad" is not grammatically sound. Badadjective. Badlyadverb. But maybe Hariel is supposed to be speaking incorrectly. Just in case, however, I'm noting this.
" Hariel took the child to be a little boy, for the simple reason that he could find no reason for a girl to do such a thing."
-Uh, just so you know, putting that line there completely spoils the fact that it IS in fact a girl. I wouldn't even have considered the child's gender had Hariel not made this strange observation. Maybe you wanted to foreshadow that this was a girl, but if you were going for surprise, putting this line here ruins that. Also, what does Hariel mean by saying that he couldn't figure why a girl would do such a thing? Does he mean that a girl wouldn't steal or some such? Is he being sexist? I'm confused.
"She must mean 'Tamer', but it comes out 'Tayma' because of her accent. She must have got that nickname because of that whip."
| Amber Nosmada chapter 1 . 6/19/2005
While it is good to give people an explanation of what characters look like, your descriptions go overboard. Is it really necessary to know THAT much about what a character looks like? I understand wanting people to visualize things, but if someone asked you what you looked like, would you go into EVERY little detail? No; you would hit the high points. Likewise, it is best to hit the high points of a character's looks when describing them. On AIM, you told me that you described things so thoroughly because you wish for your readers to have the same mental picture as you do. Well, take it from a former description addict-it is NOT possible to make readers see things exactly as you do, and sometimes a little interpretation can be a good thing. If you spoonfeed every detail to readers, then they will likely grow bored with your description. Readers, as far as I've seen, tend to enjoy having some power to interpret things in their own way. Basically, your description is just way overkill, totally not necessary. I'm not saying that it's badly written as far as description goes; it doesn't seem to be, but it's just too much all at once. You need to drop little details bit by bit.
"You won't even speak to me without that offensive tone the Mages pride themselves on!"
This line seems a little awkward to me. The other guy probably realizes this, so why is Buddy O stating it? I don't know. That just seems somewhat unnatural-it looks like you're trying to sneak in a detail (that Mages use an offensive tone) by using dialogue, but in this case, it just doesn't feel like it fits. It seems like stating the obvious as opposed to criticizing. "You asshole, stop taking that offensive tone with me!" or something like that would sound less forced.
"four other Demidons lie in wait behind "
It should be "lay" in wait. "Lie", in this case, is present tense. Since the rest of the story is written in the past tense, I assume that you wish for this to be written in the past tense as well.
Um. Okay. I'm still reading. Two bloody paragraphs on Vynefycua is WAYY too much, and given that they're fighting for their lives, it feels really misplaced.
It's like, "Let's fight!"
This does not seem like a natural place for description.
Next-okay, what the hell? You describe their clothes for paragraphs, yet you skip over the actual battle? Come on. You should show the action. I'm not a huge OMGACTION!1 person, but I don't get the point of skipping the fighting.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not pointing out more good things about your writing. Your writing is grammatically sound and well-written in the sense that the descriptions are written nicely, but they're also too much and very distracting. I'm honestly having a hard time following the story, which makes me think you're putting too many details into the beginning. I keep having to go back and re-read things. Well, I'm going to leave you this review and re-read your writing again later because frankly, I can't seem to absorb it, and this is not a good thing. I've read some amazingly complex novels and understood them perfectly well. It depends upon how one presents the information.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this review sounds too critical. I shall try to point out more positive aspects in my next review.
| Sept. Rose chapter 14 . 6/7/2005
Ok, I *know* I promised I would finish and then I just dropped off, didn't I? Well, I've finished them all now, so ha! Very nice cliffy, right before the conflict began. No major mistakes, and I wonder if the team will have trouble fighting one of their own? Maybe Hariel at least. Update soon!
| Sept. Rose chapter 13 . 5/26/2005
Another chapter with no major problems, as far as I can tell. Moving on!
| Sept. Rose chapter 12 . 5/25/2005
Yay battle... um, you missed a couple of "your" "you're" switches here and there, but that's it.
| Sept. Rose chapter 11 . 5/25/2005
I'm a little tired right now, so nothing to nitpick. Just that it's good and I'll try to finish one more tonight.
| Sept. Rose chapter 10 . 5/25/2005
Almost everyone has their powers now, so we'll just have to see what the remaining people do. I'm slowly beginning to figure out who is who (in relation to the present-day RW), so I'll continue on to see if I'm right.