|Reviews for Vamp Boy Revised|
| Poirot'sMustacheMask chapter 1 . 5/24/2009
A great story. Very good.
| TheInkyQuill chapter 1 . 5/8/2008
I don’t know what to say about this. I am completely blown away. This first line;
He was a boy, she was a girl Can I make it any more obvious He was a vamp, she was a
(The first line is all wrong. You have no punctuation in the correct place, if any. He was a boy, she was a girl? (Who are they? I cannot see them. They are flat and one-dimensional. Your reader cannot possibly see them, and if they say they can it is ridiculous.)
slayer (where is your punctuation? Why is "what" starting with a capital?" What more can I say((Where is the question mark?) (Why do you start the word " He" with a capital?) He wanted her, she'd never tell (Why is "secretly" capital?) Secretly she wanted him as well But all of her friends stuck up their nose They had a problem with his drinking blood
He was a vamp boy, she said: "See you later, boy"
He wasn't good enough for her She had a pretty face but her head was up in space She needed to come back down to earth
Well, unfortunately, this goes on like this all the way to the end. I found it tiring, and frankly, I will not edit anymore unless I see a marked improvement. This story offers nothing interesting to expound upon. I am disappointed that someone your age cannot write anything better than this. Do you really go to school? You say you were born in 1988, really, can you read? I mean your writing is lacking on so many levels. You are insulting yourself; you are leaving yourself open for a review such as this one. This is so bad; I would fail you in school if I were your teacher.
You have no poetic licence in short story and novel length works, you know, if that is the reason for this grammar mess.
You have no periods, semicolons proper sentence structure etc … I would like to know if English is a second language; because, your language skills are tremendously limited. I've seen this sort of writing in others and have always said: birds of a feather flock together. I wish people that need help in the English department would seek the help and writings of learned people. Why do you always stay with the stories and people that has no idea how to help you and will not improve your writing. In your early twenties, I hope someday you will grasp the language and the proper writing skills to elevate yourself. If I were you, I would remove this from the site and work on it, maybe with a beta, or a friend that can help you and then re-post it. I may be harsh, but I am fair and I am telling you what is wrong for your own improvement. I didn’t flame you, rather you look at this review as a flame or not. I get arrogant because I am an editor and wish that people would learn the craft of writing to properly present their work in public. What you need is the truth. I have seen several others on here that need it too. Unfortunately, people come in and say, "Wow, this is cool, or Wow, this rocks, and write more" there is nothing to help you in a review like that. You begin to think you are a star writer and dismiss the real reviews that really tell you the truth. If I were you, I would open your eyes to the truth and improve. Pay attention to your harshest critiques. You will learn from them. But if you only want fluffy reviews that help with nothing, you are where you will always be. I shouldn’t have to say what no improvement will do to your writing. It will get worse and worse. Sorry, I only bring out the reality.
Take a hard look at this work and tell yourself the truth that it really needs work.
| Miss American Pie chapter 1 . 3/10/2005
i like this revision. it's better than the first one, i think it's easier to read. thanx for the review, btw.
| Moochie7 chapter 1 . 2/28/2005
Good song I like it verry much and I think that it was a good turn too mention a little thing about me in it baby
| lovelycarose chapter 1 . 2/5/2005
LOL very cool more?