|Reviews for Footsteps in Water|
| Artemis Ignitan chapter 1 . 11/7/2006
this has a lot of potential for a good story. It's a shame that you seem to have stopped working on it, along with your other incomplete stories.
| BrokenNarsil16 chapter 1 . 2/12/2005
Wow...so sad. A very good story, with extreme potential! Quite an original approach, and I can't wait for the next chapter. But it did almost bring a tear to me eye...stuff like that always breaks me down. Like the end of the RotK movie... Update soon!
| INVU4URAQT chapter 1 . 2/7/2005
Hi there I'm one of your biggest fans! Right well anyway this a great first chapter and I can't wait to see how the story progresses so please update soon.
| Farla chapter 1 . 2/6/2005
Why exactly are you using Japanese character names and English city names?
"They’ve been living there for ten years, after all."
You changed tense there. 'They have' is present, whereas 'they had' would be past.
Your sentence structure in general is rather screwy as well. I think you're trying to have a narrator with a distinctive voice, but it's really not working.
"Nozomi had a coffee brown, while Makoto, mysteriously, held an azure tone." *Eyes*. She didn't have a coffee brown, she had coffee brown eyes. Take away the a, add the eyes. Also, coffee brown is just brown and few people have 'azure' eyes. It's usually blue.
"They loved their mother dearly and with great respect for raising them by herself. Of course, they loved their father as well, however, they had never met him."
::shudders:: Like I said, your sentence structure is screwy, but this is particularly bad. It's like you changed thoughts midway through. I think you're trying to say they loved their mother and respected her for raising them by herself, and the next sentence...ugh. "They loved their father as well, although they had never met him" would be normal grammar. The 'of course' and 'however' just don't work.
Also, they can't love their father if they've never met him. Sorry. They may have been told stories about him, they may wish to meet him, but they can't love someone they don't know.
...So, Kasumi's nuts, in other words. Waiting for Satoshi I could understand, but when you have her staying at the house constantly and talking to a picture the few times she leaves, that's excessive. Yeesh. I really don't like how it seems Misty always has to fall apart whenever Ash stops being around.
Where exactly is she getting the money to live on while she sits around nuts?
If Satoshi was missing and there was a rumor she'd killed him, and if she was really acting so suspicious, why didn't the police make some attempt at investigation?
Why do the twin's looks convince people they're Satoshi's kids? One has 'azure' eyes, which are not only not Satoshi's eye color, I'm not sure they're even a human one, and the other has brown eyes, which are pretty common. They've both got black hair, but that's not exactly rare either.
So Satoshi has been missing for eleven years, yet the twins haven't turned ten yet? C'mon, surely someone can do the math and figure out there aren't his kids. Nice try, Kasumi, but you're off by quite a few months. Even more so if Satoshi didn't disappear immediately after leaving the cottage.
"Kasumi was such a wonderful mother, caring and kind, and didn’t let her sorrow over Satoshi get in the way of raising her daughters right."
Except for the part about spending all her time inside at the cottage, right? And spending all afternoon staring out a window?
You switched tense again when you start the dialogue.
::shudders:: 'Kaa-chan'? God. Firstly, if they're speaking in English, they're speaking in English. If you want to say they're speaking in Japanese, then you shouldn't be half translating it. It's not like the English language doesn't have a perfectly good word for 'mother', you know. Do you have any idea how stupid it looks when you do this? No? How about how stupid it looks when you don't use the actual word? No hyphen, and it's okaasan or kaasan unless they're being oddly impolite for some reason.
Look, it would have taken you all of thirty seconds to google the right word and the usage. Then you'd only look like a mindless fangirl using Japanese, not a moron who didn't even know how to use the words she was pointlessly inserting into her story.
The same thing goes for the rest of your words.
Oh, yes. Since you've got (however crappily used and unnecessary) Japanese words in this, I hope you've got a decent excuse for ignoring the fact that Japanese names are said with the surname first. It's Tajiri Satoshi, not Satoshi Tajiri, unless you're talking about someone completely different.
It takes them that long to figure out that if they go on a journey they can look for their father? Ten years old or not, they're pretty dim.
So not only does Satoshi leave, he just happens to leave his hat behind as well? The hat he practically lives in during his pokemon journey? The hat he chases a primeape over?
Joy. A glossary of the words that weren't needed by someone without a clue on the actual use. Oh, and there's no such thing as a 'sir-name'.
| Rikki Felidae chapter 1 . 2/6/2005
I like keep it up!