|Reviews for Doom Crystals|
| ShatteredPerceptions chapter 1 . 8/2/2010
dictionary. reference bro wse/jizz
Take the spaces out.
| Aniko chapter 1 . 9/20/2007
Hey sorry if this is /random but could you tell me who is talking in this part of your fanfic ?
“You wouldn’t understand, he destroyed my friends in front of my eyes, killed my main gurl Jizz ‘cuz she knew too much. He killed the youngest prisoner first… poor little Razz, she was such a sweet girl. Jizz swore all Decepticons and Autobots should die for the painful war they created. I am here to kill her killer, and his master. You have only one doom Crystal, I have ten.”
| kima2007 chapter 3 . 7/27/2007
Oh please more I want to know what happens
| Thatredcar chapter 3 . 2/28/2006
o.0 oh.. pleas continue.. i want to know what happent then..
| starscreamlover chapter 3 . 7/15/2005
it was good. keep writing i want to see what heppens in the next chapter! u don't need help getting ideas u seem to have a good plot going 4 u. i think that at some parts the emotions were going to fast like when jizz was happy then sad then laughing then sad again. it was all happening a little too fast. other than that keep up the good work! )
| Seiberwing chapter 3 . 6/9/2005
So Jazz is in a bad mood. Understandable, considering what happened. But does Jizz have to go running off in a flood of tears just because Jazz yelled at her a bit? Good warrior, but bad at taking criticism.
Transformers? Pregnant? Oh my. Hm, maybe she's wrong on both counts and one of the Decepticons is pregnant. That would be funny.
Oh, so you are naming the mystery femmes in the Search for Alpha Trion. Nice touch, maybe they can finally get personalities instead of just bit parts in one episode. Coolness
How could a transformer swim? It's made of metal, so would sink like a rock. And why didn't Jizz try to save the femmes sooner, if it was so very easy for her to slip by the Decepticon defenses? It would have saved the others a lot of pain and hardship. And with the crystals and the aid of the other femmes, I would think she'd be able to escape too. Jizz is stronger then that.
What the frag did Megatron do? He reprogramed her to be a 'con? Why, other then a twisted sense of irony? He could have just killed her and taken the crystals for himself. Perhaps he has something more fiendish in mind?
It would be nice if you continued writing, but please take helpful criticisms into mind. We only try to help.
| Seiberwing chapter 2 . 6/9/2005
Doom Crystals, ooh. Sounds a lot like what Megatron's tried in the past. When will he learn that crystal-powered weapons of doom are a BAD idea? This one's going to blow up in his face too; I just know it.
Can you go more into depth on how the crystals work? Fire and water don't come randomly from nowhere, maybe make up something on how they affect molecules or whatever. When in doubt, use psuedoscience!(Is what I do).
These Stebote intrigue me; they sound like some sort of Cybertronian religious cult, but with superpowers. They can bring the dead back to life and heal, apparently, but at what cost? They have to give up those they care about. And Jizz broke the rule about revenge; will she get punished for it?
Sideswipe seems a little too cruel with the jokes. Jazz has been through emotional hell because of Jizz, and he wouldn't be trying to hurt Jazz more.
Some of the female characters are slipping a bit toward the Sue side. Do they have weaknesses? Flaws? Perhaps they are deathly allergic to high-grade or something. Develop them more.
| Seiberwing chapter 1 . 6/9/2005
Still need a little work in the spelling/punctuation department. Also still should put in more description besides "the battle raged on" or something like that.
Jazz has got a prety big family,wow. And he lost most of it, too.
Where exactly did Jizz and the mystery femme come from? I would think someone would have noticed new transformers appearing. And hair?
Why doesn't Jizz need to remember how she survived? It sounds pretty important if she somehow got away from Shockwave. Maybe she gets the memory back through therepy or something.(Autobot psychologist? It could happen).
Definitly therepy, if she just randomly broke up with Jazz like that. I think she has some serious mental/emotional problems, possibly caused by severe emotional trauma.
The bonding bracelet-thing was a nice touch; I like seeing how other cultures might handle matters like divorce.
And poor Jazz and Prowl, both losing who they love. Heh, maybe they'll get together in the end and won't care about the femmes anymore. You never know.
| Tirya King chapter 3 . 4/4/2005
Hey, it's me again. Your style is definately improving, and the cannon characters much better in this chapter, but be careful with so many femmes running around. Jizz is growing dangerously close to becoming a full-fledged Mary Sue. She has super powers, is self-sacrificing, everyone seems to like her, she's gorgeous... and her name, (all slang put aside is almost the same as her bond-mate. Romantic? Yes. Realistic? Not in the slightest.) But I still have faith in you. I suggest having a beta reader who isn't a close friend since friends tend to not be as criticizing as someone else. Before I put something up, I have someone totally rip it to shreds until we are both happy with the results. I'll offer to beta if you like. If not, that's fine too. Feel free to email me at school, since that's the one I check. I left it in my other review. Until then, good luck!
| HunterBlues chapter 3 . 4/4/2005
Tell you what happens? Don't you know yourself? Might be a good idea to jot down a bit of a plotline, or series of events, a list of what's going to happen now-type thing before you start writing the next chapters and going in twenty different directions. :)
Cannon characters are better this time: Prowl actually sounded more like himself, I can see Blaster trying to perk Jazz up, even Megatron acted more... Megatrony. Very good, hon. :) Your own characters... I'm rather touched by Whirlwind, even though she didn't do anything. ;)
Spelling is better, but I get the feeling that spell-checker still isn't quite up to par. Even for that reason alone, a beta-reader would help you out. And another reason? If you don't know where you're going with this, you can brainstorm ideas with one to get some clear direction. It's what other authors are here for, hon.
I'm still not clear on this crystal idea though, nor why femmes who just *happen* to be associated with Jazz (and Jazz himself, seemingly) have them. For instance, once you use the power in a crystal, is said power depleted or is it re-useable? Can anyone use them, or just a select few? How many rocks are there? One of each kind, or mulitples? A bit more explaination would go a long way for me, maybe an "In the beginning" background?
In all, I'm still so-so with this fic, but you've got me wondering what'll happen next anyway. :p
| Fadura Shy Uncara chapter 3 . 4/4/2005
Razz and Jizz should die in a silly cat fight, Harmony-Melody gets hit in the head stays unconscious for the rest of the century, the cannon characters go back into character and forget everything happened. Happy Ending.
Also Megatron isn't a moron, if he was, the decepticons would've lost a long time ago.
Other than that, still some spelling errors, the cannon characters are written a bit better here, though I still don't know if this story is supposed to taken seriously or not. (If it is, get a beta reader.)
| Fadura Shy Uncara chapter 2 . 3/1/2005
... What have they done to Shockwave? And why isn't he on Cybertron?
And you DO know what Jizz means... Right...? O_o
| Er chapter 2 . 3/1/2005
Er...do you realize what "jizz" is a slang word for?
| HunterBlues chapter 2 . 2/28/2005
First and foremost, How *Dare* you say Prowl's an incompetent idiot. If he was, you can be sure he'd not be second in command, nor would he be a tactician. I can't see him yelling, either. You can make it up to me in the next chapter...
There are still spelling and grammar issues here, rendering your explainations pretty fuzzy. You seem to have a hard time figuring out when to put a comma versus a period. Due to that, I'm getting more of a feeling that Razz and especially Jizz are dangerously close to becoming grammatically-incorrect, super-power Mary Sues, something that no reader wants to look at.
Although Jazz has never been portrayed as having such a temper, I can accept it in this to a certain extent with all the stress he's just gone through; I won't say he was too much out of character, but swearing worse than the proverbial drunken sailor isn't him regardless of what's happened.
Shockwave, on the other hand, was completely out of character as his mannerisms, how he spoke in this chapter, etc., were difficult to put together with how he would act. If it were Megatron, you might be able to get away with it, but Shockwave is much too cold and logical to say much of what he said in the way that he did.
| Fadura Shy Uncara chapter 1 . 2/20/2005
Prowl saysing 'Buddy' 'pal' and discussing with Jazz about Jazz's new/old girlfriend...?
Who's he and what have they done to Prowl?