|Reviews for The New Boys|
| The Story Necromancer chapter 4 . 10/21/2005
that is a good story so far keep going
| BlueDragonGirl1 chapter 4 . 6/14/2005
Whoa! I'd say that was pretty violent. A nail gun huh? Creative. I don't think I found any grammar or spelling errors in this chapter. Good job! This wasn't as long as the other ones but that's alright. I feel bad for Naomi. A ten year old? Jeez! Luckily you killed Boris off in this chapter. I kinda wished that you had more of Rally in this chapter but having her in the beginning talking to the guy and him telling her what they thought had happened and then putting in what really happened was good.
| BlueDragonGirl1 chapter 3 . 5/9/2005
It wasn't that long but it was still good. Sheesh! Adam had to go through a fucking lot just because of a flesh wound. I couldn't help but imagine when Adam ran into the dressing room that he ran into one with a women there getting dressed. That would have been funny! LOL! Damn! If I were Rally I would be so incredibly pissed if someone shot out the tires to MY cobra! UPDATE!
| BlueDragonGirl1 chapter 2 . 3/20/2005
I liked the part when they were at Franks house eating pizza and "The King of porcelein" LOL! Wow, that gun fight scene was detailed! Must have been really hard to write! GOOD JOB!:P
| Lanisatu chapter 1 . 3/3/2005
Your ideas are good and I like the story :)
You have some minor problems with grammar. And a couple things raise questions.
The most noticeable mistakes are:
#1 The GSC shop and Rally's house are back-to-back. Even Rally would probably not drive between the two.
#2 loose to set free
lose to misplace
It should be "losing clients" and "lose her bounty"
Use apostrophes. Things should read like:
Italians' main men (plural possessive)
Jim's (singular possessive)
I think you can use more commas, too. Particularly when you have a sentence like: "How much does that come to, Rally?" (you need the comma before the name)
This is really awkward wording:
"He doesn’t work with Big Jim directly but is very close friends with him as well as the older brother also."
You probably wouldn't hear someone who speaks English as their first language saying that.
I suggest changing that to something like:
"He doesn’t work with Big Jim directly; but both he, and his older brother, are very close friends with him."
(I added commas. Use commas to indicate slight pauses in speech)
For something a little more authentic of the way people tend to speak, you may want to have it read as: "He doesn’t work with Big Jim directly, but him and his older brother are very close friends with him."
Or, you can go the other route, and split up the sentence:
"He doesn’t work with Big Jim directly but is very close friends with him. So is the older brother."
Question about Russell: why wasn't he charged for marijuana possession? Was he in Canada? Even so, he would have been fined (marijuana is decriminalized up here, meaning people are fined instead of jailed for carrying small amounts). I'm not sure if charges would be considered dropped, even then.
As for Adam, you should have: "...but charges were dropped due to lack of evidence."
People tend to use more contractions in speech than in writing. So you may want to use more contractions for speech. (that's up to you)
And it's "shouldn't have" (although it may sound like "of")
If you want to have quotation marks around something already contained in a quote (e.g. in speech), use single quotation marks for you nested quote. e.g. "I was thinking about hiring 'the Ghost' to..."
If you have questions or would like to further discuss this, contact me via e-mail:
| BlueDragonGirl1 chapter 1 . 2/26/2005
Holy fuck! Awesome fic! And this is your first. Jeez! I really need to check out GunSmithCats now, it sounds as awesome as your first chapter. Please update soon or I'll annoy you with pointless emails!
(BTW: At the beginning of the chapter, Rally says she charges the guy thirty five dollars and he only pays her twenty five, you might want to fix that and allow annonymous reviews because (1) You can get some pretty good advice from annonymous reviewers and (2) you can always delete them if they are bad.