|Reviews for The Marionette|
| limey chapter 22 . 10/14/2013
This is amazing, what a shame it's unfinished
| Zireael07 chapter 22 . 2/1/2013
This story is excellent!
| Suriana chapter 4 . 10/8/2008
Oh wow! I think that's like the first real, in depth constructive criticism I have ever recieved on this site!
I'm so excited, thankyou very much.
| Observer chapter 1 . 10/7/2008
Review: Pretty good mood and idea; OK execution, but could be better. One of the better pieces on this site I think. An ambitious work that could be much improved by some stylistic revision.
Just a quick note: it's a shame to spoil creative writing with unpolished technique. Here is an example of a sentence that ought to be improved:
"Heaving with all her might she winced as the metal shrieked, the hatch jerking open."
In trying to combine many different actions into one sentence you've lost clarity (and even correctness). See "Strunk and White: Elements of Style" for more information. I recommend changing most of these participlenoun combination sentences (which are very frequent) to sharper, more vivid sentences. Also, I would not over-focus on the POV character's feelings.
For example, the above sentence I would rewrite:
"She heaved on the hatch and it jerked open with a shriek."
It conveys the same image and it does so with greater brevity and sharpness.
| Suriana chapter 22 . 10/6/2008
Aw geez, that was only like... 6 months... doh! I'm sorry :(
Anyhoos, as I was writing the last part of this chapter I decided that I have watched way to many action movies. Lets make an explosion! Yay!
So the next chapter is completely formed in my head, I just need to get it written down.
| Mhop12 chapter 22 . 10/6/2008
D ITS HERE :D
Please tell me your not going to make us wait 3 years for the next one? :D
| Mhop12 chapter 21 . 9/19/2008
Updated: 03-27-08? wtf? come on man. keep writing :D
| MaWa chapter 19 . 11/27/2005
I read this story on your homepage and liked it alot. It's one of the better Deus Ex fics in existance, I mean it. Being more specific: I like your portrayal of the Dentons and also, after reading this story I got a negative perception of Morgan Everett, despite the fact that in the game he wasn't shown as outright evil - and, despite my efforts, I can't get rid of this perception, while writing my own story. That means, your storytelling is very suggestive - and that's a rare quality.
To put it short: excellent job!
| NK11 chapter 19 . 11/27/2005
Your story is very Interesting, I like that Paul and Elise kinda got toger (sorry for my poor spelling) :) :D
| Metroid13 chapter 10 . 6/6/2005
Please update soon.
| DeusExfreak chapter 7 . 4/6/2005
Description of emotion remains very good. I think you could give her more reluctance in the second half of things, though, or atleast explain why this is so emotionally. She seems to change within a minute. That aside, I don't see a "decrease in quality" in any way.
| DeusExfreak chapter 6 . 3/12/2005
Wow! Talk about reaching the top of mount scumbag and planting a flag in it. Great work.
| Suriana chapter 5 . 3/12/2005
Yeah I know, this would be one of those "co-written" problems I mentioned earlier. See the person I was writing this with, was doing everything mostly from JC and Paul's perspective, while I was handling Elise and Everett. And the way we were doing it was, he would write a chapter and then I would follow up with one afterwards. So he'd written a chapter which was all from JC's perspective and I wanted to give Elise a bit more background, but for the peole reading it at the time... for me to repeat everything J.C said, I thought that would be boring. Now however it'd be really handy, obviously. And if I weren't so lazy, I'd actually go back and put some of J.C's dialogue in there. Maybe later if I have time.
As for why Elise comes out of the shower naked, well there's alot of stuff going on in Elise's head. For a start she feels disconnected from her body in alot of ways, like it isn't hers since she had her augmentations done. Also it's HER flat, HER territory and she likes to do everything she can to annoy Toby who has invaded her space. And she knows this would embarrass him. Also I think I was just trying to hint subtly at the fact that Elise is not well versed in proper social behaviour, which perhaps alludes to there being something not quite right about her in general.
| DeusExfreak chapter 5 . 3/11/2005
I think it was a mistake to not include JC's words as he tried to reason with her. Anyway, this is still very good, I'm just curious as to why she came out of the shower naked instead of with a towel on.
| Suriana chapter 3 . 3/11/2005
Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad that you are enjoying it so much. But I should warn you now that I think the quality of this fiction slowly begins to degrade, mostly due to the fact that I started "co-writing" with another person, however they eventually disappeared and took all of their contribution with them. So I have to apologise if some of it doesn't make sense, or if the story only seems half told.
And I'll try to get the rest of the chapters up soon. Not to mention, actually complete chapter 20.