Reviews for A Senpai's Touch
MysticSorceror chapter 15 . 3/23/2008
Tsukiko's POV:

Awkward wording, I like how it opens. Aww, I like how she notices everyone and it transitions well into the next part.

Akina's POV:

Some of the words are in the wrong form. The language seems way too formal again. I like how they feel this type of jealousy, it's cute.

Tsukiko's POV:

Try not to repeat words but I love the emotion. I really do like your original characters. I like the end line of this part

At the graduation ceremony:

I love the end, it nearly nearly made me cry.

Fantastic, Incredible work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 14 . 3/23/2008
Yuki's POV:

I love Yuki's concern and care about Tohru but I think these thoughts could be elongated a bit. Try and balance the dialogue. Why is Yuki lying about this? *shrugs* Try to work on characterization a little more. Some spelling issues. I like the emotion in this part

Uotani's POV:

I like the opening of this part, there seem to be a couple of dropped words. Awkward phrasing.

Akina's POV:

I like the character voice at the beginning of this part. Try to balance the dialogue.

Toki's POV:

Spelling issues but I do really like this guy. Nice end.

Pretty good work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 13 . 3/22/2008
Toki's POV:

I love the interaction between all of your characters, awkward wording.

Tohru's POV:

You seem to drop a few words but I love the concern that all the characters have.

Toki's POV:

I love the conversation but maybe lengthen these scenes.

Akina's POV:

I'd like to see the dialogue balanced but I'm really enjoying the style of your writing.

Tsukiko's POV:

I don't quite get some of these analogies, poor Tsukiko. Spelling issues. Cute end

Great work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 12 . 3/22/2008
Tsukiko's POV:

Some grammar issues, poor Tsukiko I really feel for her. Awkward phrasing and spelling issues. I like the line: "The harsh reality of life".

Akina's POV:

Try not to repeat words but I like her POV as well. I like marking errors as well -

Uotani's POV:

Awkward wording. It's eyesight not eyesite.

Tsukiko's POV:

I love how much care Tsukiko has for Uo but I do wish you had balance this dialogue. Great emotion!

Nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 11 . 3/21/2008
Tsukiko's POV:

Awkward phrasing, I like the interaction between the two of them.

Arisa's POV:

Spelling issues. I love how she notices the lack of hugging and Anger Management is such a fun nickname.

Tsukiko's POV:

Good references to the Japanese culture. I love how she's practicing this, you're really evoking emotion from me.

Arisa's POV:

Awkward phrasing again. Don't repeat words, so saddening.

Tsukiko's POV:

Some spelling issues, I love the description of Toki but try not to repeat words. You're too formal in your dialogue, make it more conversational/casual. The emotions could really use more build

Uotani's POV:

Awkward phrasing. Again with the formality, it doesn't fit the characters. I love the end, it makes me like her character even more. That's a bit rushed and try to strengthen the emotions.

Nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 10 . 3/21/2008
Tsukiko's POV:

I like the opening and it has a good voice. Some odd phrasing. I'm not sure she should be acting so buddy-buddy to Tohru.

Tohru's POV:

Spelling issues and the language seems a bit too formal. I love how much Yuki and Kyo care about her.

Tsukiko's POV:

Try to have the story flow rather than remain so stiff, loosen it up a bit. lunch ogglers? Do you mean perverts? o.O I'm not too fond of your use of attributing motions to body features. "face almost shouted". Try not to repeat words but I do love the emotion in this scene. Wow, that's pretty unexpected, poor Tsukiko. Some words are in the wrong form. This is pretty sad and you've got me feeling empathy for her. Great work!

Tohru's POV;

Try to balance the dialogue, wow that's a pretty harsh thing to say but I like the end.

Nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 9 . 3/18/2008
Awkward word order but I do love the character voice. I love how Tohru is so considerate and yet Tsukiko thinks so negatively. Don't repeat words or phrases. "made my mask look". It depends on what? Some spelling issues. Really really weird awkward phrasing. I personally don't like this chapter as much as the others. I love her idea about what books are good. Some words are in the wrong tense but I do like how Tohru can read her. Dropped words. I love how they come and find her. Don't repeat words. More worried?

nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 8 . 3/17/2008
Try not to repeat words but other than that I really do like your open. Some choppiness in the sentences. I love how you brought these girls into it. Try not to use the word and, I really love the flow of the story. I don't get the line: "I was a little...at Toki". Fix her heart that's a pretty odd way of putting it. Don't repeat phrases. I love Tohru's concern. She's a bit different then most, most people can't help but smile around Tohru. Cute end.

Great work!

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 7 . 3/17/2008
Cut down on the repetition of words, I love the emotions that you're expressing. Poor Tsukiko, try to build the emotions a little more. Wow, there's a lot of repetition. Balance the dialogue. I love the worth in eyes line. The emotions seems a bit desperate but the interactions are cute. Spelling issues. Try to work on characterization a little more, Uo sounds like Tohru here. I really like how much Tsukiko was willing to go through. Awkward phrasing. I love how much Toh-chan seems to care.

Nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 6 . 3/16/2008
A bit awkward phrasing, it feels as if some details are missing. Amethyst -, one of my favorite colors. It seems such a short intro.

Flashback:

Aww so sad. That's a bit rough, try and develop these scenes a little more.

End Flashback

Flashback:

I half remember this part, I'm not exactly sure how. Spelling issues, I love her concern. I really like Tsukiko because of this, she's such a strong character. Wow, this must be painful. I love the character voice.

A week later:

I really like this part, it's nice. That's kinda creepily cure.

End Flashback:

o.O A bit confused on the ending, but I think this was my favorite chapter so far

Nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 5 . 3/16/2008
Some spelling issues. Choppy sentences, it's so hard critiquing this since i feel guilty :; I love Tsukiko's relationship with everyone and how deeply it seems to matter. Some awkward phrasing but I love how you include all the ingredients. Aww, nice emotions maybe paced too fast.

Uotani POV:

I love how she seems to care about her, spelling issues. The emotions need to build here but it was a nice scene.

Good job

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 4 . 3/15/2008
It seems like forever and ever ago that I beta'd this. I think I've gotten better at beta'ing too ;;

Some awkward phrasing. I love the description of the doctor. Try not to repeat the same words or phrases. That IS pretty strange. Isn't it "that that was my student?" I love how you depict the sensei.

The Next Morning:

Aww, poor Tsukiko but I like how they're together. I love the end

Nice work

~Myst
MysticSorceror chapter 3 . 3/15/2008
Yay I'm credited, I apologize for not reviewing sooner, I hung out with my friends yesterday and I've been doing some writing myself but now I'm back to review -.

Too much repetition in the opening but I love the emotions, maybe cut this down to two paragraphs instead of just one.

Flashback:

Spelling error: occuring should be occurring. Try to add more about this doctor, I do like the connection between the two of them though. Shouldn't it be: work for a while instead of work awhile. I love the character voice that you're using.

End Flashback:

Yay _ Yuki! *glomps him*. Still some spelling issues. I'm not too fond of the: "girl I knew as" lines, they annoy me slightly but I guess that's your style. I love the ending paragraph.

Flashback:

Maybe lengthen this part, nice memory

End flashback:

Anyway nice chapter

~Myst
Tenni chapter 7 . 4/10/2005
That's so sad. Tsukiko should believe in love. She doesn't have to believe it's a good thing, but she doesn't have to believe it's bad either! Everyone at least could believe it exsists.
Tenni chapter 5 . 3/24/2005
Bruises? Hm...Intresting. I'm guessing this will tie somewhat into Toki maybe?
22 | Page 1 2 Next »