|Reviews for Blossoming Swallowtail|
| Unforgiven Wolf chapter 8 . 10/3/2006
interesting little chapter of the action...fan service is present as usual but thats not a bad thing... I think
Anyway the chatper was rather long and interesting about the fight... I thought of Ayane when I read the sarcasm and playful manner in which Kasumi fought.
Ah well update soon
| Iggy - Essence of Angst chapter 8 . 7/6/2006
I have to be honest with you.
You use commas way too much, and in turn, you end up making your sentences run on much longer than they should. I'll give you an example:
[Other than that, another odd appearance caught Kasumi's gaze as she realized Kirami's weapon now stood erect above Kirami's arm, which aimed up at the sky but yeah if you were in her position Kirami's glare would catch your attention first before that did.]
Suggestion: Other than that, another odd appearance had caught Kasumi's gaze. She realized Kirami's weapon now stood erect above her opponent's arm, which aimed up at the sky. However, Kirami's opponents usually became distracted by Kirami herself before realizing they were in imminent danger.
I thought your story showed promise. The beginning was very good, and I was looking forward to it. However... the chapter when you began to introduce the "you unlocked the alternate ending!" was what spoiled the entire thing for me. They aren't necessary. If you want to do something humourous, do it in another story.
And I know you said this story wasn't meant to be serious in the first place, aside from the flashbacks, but the "alternate endings" have nothing to do with the story. They aren't funny, and they have no purpose. You want to write comedy? That's fine, but please do it in another story so as not to ruin the mood of the current chapters.
They ruined it for me, because they had no relation to the story. I like to enjoy my stories, not scroll through half a page of a comedic alternate ending that has nothing, really, to do with the story in itself.
Other than those two things, the rest of it seemed to be fine. The flashbacks were well written, the background was suitable for the theme of the story when Kasumi and Ayane were younger, and you wrote the characterization appropriate for that time. That was good.
I don't know if you're planning on ending this soon, but I suggest you cut down a little on the run-on sentences. Other people may not seem to mind them that much, but believe me, they're not easy to try and absorb all in one shot.
If you have any questions or issues with what I've said, don't hesitate to contact me by PMing me. I'd volunteer my MSN address, but as I don't know what messaging service you have, I'd rather keep it safe. But please feel free to contact me.
~ Iggy ~
| Maveriq chapter 8 . 8/17/2005
Sorry if this review is long but you gave me a lot to scrutinize in this chapter was good so I will give good feedback. My analysis gets deeper the further you read. The beggining is just me pointing out this I thought were nice.
I was my college incept and for some reason a voice told to me go check because I hadn't been on in a while. To my surprise I found that you updated your story.I liked Kasumi's attitude in the fight and I am glad she won so easily. You even got some humor into the fight. I also liked that you have given us the link between Ayane and Kirami now. I was honestly starting to think Kirami was just some generic ninja chick you made for Kasumi to fight before Ayane, but now you've given her motive. She is jealous of Ayane. I never even thought about Genra showing favoritism but you made an interesting point without intending. Genra was the leader of an entire clan, yet he showed Ayane all of his affection. Is it possible that the rest of Hajin Mon feels neglected and now resent Ayane for it? Ayane just can't win even in her own clan lol.
Criticism- You said you wanted these so here goes. You did a nice job adding to the characters however it was only at the end of the chapter at the bonus prologue that any plot advancement was made. I liked the fight but it probably wouldn't have hurt to end it a little earlier.
You've unlocked Bonus Analysis!
I was about to send this review when another of your hidden character development abilities showed it to me. You have linked Ayane and Kasumi again. Kasumi is able to easily overcome this foe much like she has easily gone through life. Ayane, despite having more than enough ability to overcome the problem(Kirami), has to just deal with Kirami much like her own life problems. Kirami is a mutual enemy between the sisters and links them whether they like it or not. No matter how "far" Kasumi and Ayane are from one another, they are always with each other in some form.(If only they could realize that lol) I love how you keep bringing Kasumi and Ayane around full circle like this. Excellent!
Your story is deeper than you expected I think.
| Suzumiya Yuki chapter 8 . 8/11/2005
And here I thought that this story wa dead.
Kirami huh? Seems interesting, but she will never beat my passion for Ayane. Ayane rules.
I'm loving this story and I was constantly checking for updates and I was finally rewarded.
Thank you so much for this chapter.
But I was suprised that this one had no Ayane/Kasumi flashbacks.
Oh well, I guess it was made up for with the Kirami character info.
Can't wait for more.
Keep up the good work.
| Alyss chapter 8 . 8/11/2005
*drools* OMG, this is awesome! Please write the next chapter!
| fireinu chapter 8 . 8/10/2005
I like this chapter, but I hope there is mor of Ayane in the next chapter. I cen be rather lasy sumtimes asswell.
| Johnny H chapter 8 . 8/10/2005
About damn time! I had almost forgotten about this lil gem. I'm glad to see you've picked it back up, and you're writing skills haven't dimished much, it seems. Hope you keep up with this. Like to see an ending.
| Maveriq chapter 7 . 5/15/2005
I liked the chapter. Lots of Ayane is always a good thing in my opinion. I liked the mounting suspense and I actually thought it was good thing that you held off the fight for the next chapter. It's nice that you showed what is happening from all the viewpoints of the story. Ayane doesn't just sit around while Kasumi and Kirami fight you know lol? You also did a good job of putting in real DOA story parts like all the "projects". Every new project I kept thinking "the plot thickens." I also laughed at the mention of Itagaki as some enemy to DOATech lol. The reaction Ayane keeps getting on her outfit are funny too.
I read Gullible Panda's post and I didn't realize I was coming across as though I didn't like the extras you put in the story.I love the extras. I think that is what makes this story unique and fun to read. Keep doing what you're doing.
I am not trying to put any pressure on you for the fight scene but I am looking forward to it lol. I am positive you'll do a good job though. No pressure! lol
| Johnny H chapter 7 . 5/4/2005
Well, glad to see an update! Been far too long. For some reason, I felt lost this chapter...oh well, probably just exams...but still, good to see the story rolling, even if this was a sort of side story.
Witty part about the documents as well...
| fireinu chapter 7 . 5/4/2005
I like the new chapter. I do aftral you are the one riting the story.
| Gullible Panda chapter 7 . 5/4/2005
[nods] Very great chapter you have here. I keep on hearing that dude's name. Dovan or something like that. I only played the "DOA 3" which means I'm kinda confused at some parts, not your story but the game, you know?
Anyways, it was pretty halarious that everyone keeps on dissing Ayane's clothing. I mean wtf, who would wear that in public?
Also, I understand that you won't put in some extras but its sort of a disappointment. I mean, all work and no play makes you a dull guy.
Plus, this is fanfiction were talking about. Some people are serious others are laid back. Its just the extras that confuses me. Why are these people hating it? I find it enjoyable. Hell, this isn't even Angst. So I'm sort of pissed off.
Whatever... I've been on the comp. for an hour and I need to get a life. I write for myself and for improvement but that doesn't mean I would be all PMS over something as ridiculos as canceling out extras because it's not 'serious.'
Sure take suggestions but don't always listen to the people your uncertain with. That's their stlye. Why not make your own?
I'm sorry, I'm just ranting and ranting because I'm cranky. What Wolf said was not what I think rough. He does have a point but to me its different. ... Nah... it's just me.
But just continue.
| Nema chapter 6 . 4/30/2005
I like how the three DOA characters that have appeared so far have been protrayed. It's also nice to see a story here where the game's storyline is further explored rather then see another token M/F get-together romance. The story is good whether or not you show some Ayane&Kasumi shoujo-ai, but I still hope to see it happen. Anyways, good work and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
| Maveriq chapter 6 . 4/19/2005
I'm fine with Kasumi's personality thus far. Noone acts the same all the time anyway. She appears more human now because of that.
I like the extras and stuff but try not do so many of those that you lose some of the story. The character interview was a nice addition as well.
I can't wait for the fight bewteen Kasumi and Kirami.
GO KASUMI! *cheers for Kasumi and fails to notice Ayane glaring at him*
WAIT AYANE IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THI AGH!
| Unforgiven Wolf chapter 6 . 4/13/2005
These series of chapters had me thinking and well it would fit her personality... in a way.
I expected her to be a little more calmer but then she may have gain that later in the DOA series.
The talk of the sexual stuff really makes quite a lot of fan service (I'm a guy but more focus on the story... seriously)
the ending of those mocks up is refreshing but don't do it too frequantly or devote too much time to them because we kind of forget about the main story and...
You could devote your time to making a parrallel story that has these mocks up in it.
| fireinu chapter 6 . 4/12/2005
I like the new chapter. I wish I was the lookout in the tree.