|Reviews for Ariel Pax|
| Taeniaea chapter 5 . 11/13/2011
| The Loliconvict chapter 5 . 10/4/2005
Whoa, hold the phone. If she's not Ariel, then who's... ARGH! I'm confuffled to the Max!
| Mobile Holmes chapter 5 . 10/3/2005
whoa! talk about dual personalities! when will answers fully come? i'm getting tingles up and down my back!
| The Loliconvict chapter 4 . 9/24/2005
| The Loliconvict chapter 3 . 9/24/2005
Is this gonna be ArielxLighting, or ArielxSideWays?
| The Loliconvict chapter 2 . 9/24/2005
Cool! These 2 chapters are awesome! *first and secound*
| Seiberwing chapter 4 . 9/22/2005
Still mispelling the names: It's Red Alert and Hot Shot, not Redalert and Hotshot like many other transformer two-part names.
What's wrong with Optimus? Is he worried about this daughter falling in love? Hope not, or else she might fall in love with one of the Autobots who actually fights, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.
| SJ777 chapter 3 . 8/15/2005
Getting into it... I'm getting to like this...
| Emelna chapter 3 . 7/26/2005
i likre the way the story is headded can't wait to see more. i can't evevn wait ti'll the next chapter. right on!
| Mobile Holmes chapter 3 . 7/24/2005
aw ariel's first camping trip! nice to see old friends reunite!
| Seiberwing chapter 2 . 6/24/2005
Here's a suggestion. Don't tell us the motivations or whatever of the characters in your author's notes, but tell it in the story. That will make it more interesting.
The Autobot's training school has a mascot and sports team? Sounds a lot like a human school. Would a military academy really have those?
And what happened to the Decepticon children, to make them join such a traitorous organization? Peace defies everything they stand for; I don't think any good Decepticon parent would let their child grow up to be such a sissy.
Could also tell more of the action and internal thoughts of the characters in addition to the dialogue and witty banter.
And the ending sort of amused me, apparently Ariel had a very traumatic experience with a thunderstorm when she was younger if lightning makes her all hateful. Eh, will find out her electrical issues later, I guess.
| Ceestar chapter 2 . 6/24/2005
Hmm, this is a very good story! I like it. I hope that I'll see more of it soon!
| Mobile Holmes chapter 2 . 6/23/2005
so, ariel's gonna be on the team now? PRETTY COOL! but who's that behind her?
| Seiberwing chapter 1 . 6/9/2005
Hokay, review time. Not too bad, but I think it could do with some improvement. Couple places have bad punctuation or run-on sentences; a good beta reader can help you with those.
I think-just my opinion-that Hot Shot and Red Alert are spelled with a space. Just how I've seen it, is all.
Why didn't Sideways just finish Ariel off? Is this part of one of his grand evil schemes, and he wants her to live, or was he just uncharacteristically careless?
Also, where did the spear come from, I've never seen him use one.
Also, why would Optimus create a child, then keep her under protection so constricting that it later leads to her running off and getting hurt? There's a line between protective and stupid, and Optimus rarely crosses it.
But perhaps he's right. Ariel doesn't seem at all prepared to be a soldier if the first thing she does after being injured is cower and look to her "father" with fear in her optics. Lots of ambition but no real experience, that'll prove a handicap to her dreams of being a warrior.
Would also be nice if you put a little more description of the action in there. Tell us about more about the battle, besides the bits with Ariel in them.
Liked the "cool your carburetor line", was funny. Ariel seems to have a good bit of character potential. Will be interesting to see how this pans out.
Just because people find fault in your works does not mean they are bad, or that you are bad. They just want to help you improve. Don't dismiss those comments that note areas where you could do better. Otherwise, how are you going to become a better writer?
| Mobile Holmes chapter 1 . 3/23/2005
oh man, hope ariel makes it!