|Reviews for Second Date for Sam?|
| AeonFrodo chapter 5 . 2/11/2006
Great fic! I hope I see more of your work soon!
| SugarGirl chapter 2 . 2/9/2006
This chapter is okay, but you didn't need to describe what Sam takes off first. Maybe it could be rephrased to,
("I'm going for a swim before breakfast, "I decided. In my room, I got out my pink bathing suit from one of my dresser drawers and quickly changed. A few minutes later, I stepped out.)
Yes, and how does Mathew wake up Sam up? Did she fall asleep in her bathing suit for ,like, a nap? Or did she fall asleep without the bathing suit on, changed, then fell asleep again?
Either way, you should have mentioned it.
So I won't be reviewing your stories anymore. Might I advise you to get some help for writing stories.
| SugarGirl chapter 1 . 2/9/2006
No words can explain this chapter you wrote. I'm not saying it's good...or bad. But I have a few questions. And comments.
the beginning of the story, Alex, Sam, Clover and Mathew were watching the TV. You said they were watching Jeopardy. First, why does everyone watch Jeopardy? Most teenagers, enjoy doing other things. Such as, talking on the cell phones, watching some soap opera or for guys, playing video games.
just say that a lot of girls like the spies do not watch sports. So then why do they start talking about Ken Jennings?
use too many of the other characters names in their sentences. Scratch some of that out. It's unecessary.
did Sam take off her clothes? And why did Alex? You should have also put Sam's point of view there because when I was reading, that felt a little weird.
told the readers that she was naked infinite times. Don't do that. It will confuse everything. Your story is a mess.
is Mathew speechless when Sam asks him out? Isn't Sam already his girlfriend?
That's all for today. Just be careful next time. Your stories are all in a jumble.
| Chicogurl11 chapter 5 . 1/27/2006
The last part, when Sam was early in the pool, Mathew and her said almost the exact same things when the begining of the story started. Oh yeah and when Mathew gave Sam the locket and earrings, you added, "I happened to have stopped at the mall and I bought this for not too much." You don't say stuff like that. A less complicated sounding sentence of that would have went like," I happened to stop at the mall and bought this for you." When Mathew came back, Brittney said," I think we should leave these two lovebirds alone so we don't disturb them." Clover had said, "Totally. I agree with you Brittney." Alex said, Yeah. We shouldn't bother those two lovebirds." What could sound more natural is "I totally agree with you." and Alex should have said, "Yeah." Your sentences you create don't sound like what normal ppl say. It doesn't sound natural. You also add a lot of times when the Spies say things," Wow, Mathew is cute and smart and Sam is perfect for him." It makes readers think your cocky. There is also a lot of "honey" and "sweetie" and "darling." The lovey dovie stuff is a bit 2 much.
I'm not flaming you, I'm just simply pointing out what your doing wrong. This story does not make sense. Why did Sam get naked. You also mentioned that a lot of times, and I didn't get what you meant for her to do.
| ugg.some.person chapter 3 . 1/26/2006
The sentence,"I'm finally in my bathing suit, and I am starting to get a little more warmer," I said, and I really was getting warmer. U didn't need to put that last part there. it was unessecary.
| ugg.some.person chapter 2 . 1/26/2006
I dont like this chapter either mainly becuz once agen, u added ur shirt description that bores ppl to death. plz stop doing that stuff. and u keep adding the i-love-u part too much. they say sweetie and darling and honey too much. this story is going to be like the last one called, the future of sam and me.
| ugg.some.person chapter 1 . 1/26/2006
plz i alredy read the first chapter and its no good. why was sam gettin naked in her room. i read ur other story about u and sam all married, but was 2 disgusted to review. ur stories contain obscenities, and dating with 2 much kissing. o yeah at the beginning of the chapter, u dint have to go into that much of descrptive language. in ur story, the future of sam and me(watever it was called) had u wearing scratchy shirts with watever number underneath the words. the part" my naked body was all over my bed sheets" was irrevelant. u put too much descriptive language, and tho descrptive laguage is good, u overdid it. u can just say, clover, alex brittney and Mathew were wearing there swimming suits. ur stories arent very well written.
| Ess Tii Eph Yu chapter 5 . 11/30/2005
A romance so pitifully contrived, it could only happen in fanfiction-land.
| SmashToPieces chapter 5 . 4/11/2005
Now, now, Choomie, each to his own.
Anyway, good stuff. I hope some time you could co-author a TS fic with me. I have to get going now.
Brittney: What about my $40?
Brittney: The $40 you bet me when you said "You couldn't get a life if you depended on it"! I do have a life, you know. NOW PAY UP! (gets all anime angry-like)
Uh oh... (runs)
| Choomie the Invisible chapter 5 . 4/10/2005
I have a few things to say. First of all, here's an excerpt from your story: ("I happened to have stopped at the mall and I bought this for not too much cash - 24 dollars to be exact.")
You don't have to be exact. I noticed you did that did that a lot in this story. Also, WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER THE PRICE ANYWAY? Really, nobody would say, "Oh hey hon, happy anniversary! I got you this BEAUTIFUL necklace that only cost me 24 dollars!"
All the romantic scenes are kinda...blech. Your dialogue doesn't sound natural, if I know what you mean. Here's another excerpt:
(Brittney briefly giggled. She looked at Clover and Alex.
"I think we should leave those two lovebirds alone so we don't disturb them,"
"Totally. I agree with you, Brittney," Clover said. -Could be refrased to; "I totally agree with ya Brittney."-
"Yeah. We shouldn't bother those 2 lovebirds," Alex agreed. -Brittney's sentence was similar to Alex's. It sounds fake. Next time write the single-digits out.-
"Come on. Let's go for a dip in the pool," Brittney suggested. -Sounds okay, but could be refrased to; "How bout a dip in the pool?"
"Great idea, Brittney," Clover said.) -If you used Brittney's above sentence this would sound perfect with it.-
It sounds scripted. Of course it sort of is, seeing as this is a story, but you could make it sound a little more natural. Pay attention to how you talk, how your friends talk, how your parents talk etc. You could even get a feel for it by reading the dialogue in good books.
And...what's with naked Sam? Sure, it might hook the reader so that they read it, but you've mentioned it again and again and again! You don't have to describe if they took their shirt off first, if they took their pants off first, if they were left in their underclothes, etc. You could say something like this:
(Sam turned to us.
"Hey, um, guys? I'm gonna go change. Be right back."
A few minutes later Sam stepped out of her room wearing her light pink bathing suit with the sides showing.)
It's that simple.
Now, THIS excerpt of your story for chapter five is...
( "You know, I really think I should always see you in a dress everytime, Sam," I said. -What about casual?-
"Why?" Sam asked.
"Because a dress is one of the most attractive clothes that a girl wears that really attracts a lot of guys - me included. Others for me would be a bathing suit, and a skirt," I responded. -Could be refrased, or just changed completely. Example below.-
Sam was surprised.)
Uh you didn't have to write the whole 'what attracts me' speech. You could have said something simple like:
("You know Sam, I think you look absolutely stunning in a dress. I wish you wore dresses more often."
...or something like that.
When you write, it's sort of like reading an instruction manual as to what's happening in the story. I'll say this once again; IT DOESN'T SOUND NATURAL! Mainly, I think, because it's written in first person. I mean, you describe Sam being naked like three times, right? Well, it's in FIRST person so...that's kinda disturbing.
You don't have to include yourself in all of your stories! Self-inserts are okay, but you should try something different. And if you want, just to break away from the self-inserts, you could write a story with an OC (original character, or other character) and he could sorta be like you. Maybe. OR you could have the OC but make him completely different from you, so at first the spies hate him, but then a relationship developes between him and Sam, or between him and Brittney. (I know they're your favorite characters) Sure, you could do a self-insert WITH an OC, but give your readers some variety! Plus you'll have experience from writing using different styles. Oh, and if you did a self-insert with the relationship building up make sure to take it slow without as many lovey-dovey scenes.
Don't forget to include the other spies. (Alex and Clover) You don't exactly have a feel for them...actually, you don't seem to have a feel for ANY of the spies! In your stories their personalities are all wrong. But anyway, you have to include all the characters. Because Sam is your favorite character, you'll obviously be focusing mostly on her. Though you can't forget about Alex and Clover!
I bet you hate me and think this review was positively useless and an evil flame. It wasn't meant to be a flame, just some constructive critisism. Sure, I openly explained I didn't like your writing style or your stories, but I gave you some useful tips. So when you begin plotting (or writing) your next fic, reread this review.
-Choomie the Invisible
| The Time Traveler chapter 5 . 4/10/2005
Your welcome, anytime. This was a nice wrap-up. you sure want to spoil Sam don't you, can't say I blame you, she's cute! Nicely done, very nicely done.
| TheChosenOne chapter 5 . 4/10/2005
this is a pretty good story, but why do you keep on mentioning that sam's naked?
| The Time Traveler chapter 4 . 4/9/2005
Nice job! I liked it a whole lot! You, back in a flash, who saw that comming. Well I await the next chapter.
| Ramens chapter 1 . 4/8/2005
How many times can you mention that Sam was naked..? *sighs* Also, why do you like putting yourself in all your stories? Sorry, I'm just criticizing you, I have nothing better to do. :/
| SmashToPieces chapter 4 . 4/8/2005
Could I ask a question? What are the Spies' last names? Thanks! And btw keep it up!