|Reviews for Project: L—A Dark and Mysterious Tale|
| Ghost chapter 3 . 4/13/2005
Nitpic I: bokken don’t actually have edges, as they are bludgeoning weapons. (The exceptions are the rare iaido-bokken, but I have never seen Kuno use one of those.) The fact that Kuno can still cut with one is because, well, he’s Kuno.
Nitpic II: Akane’s friend is named Yuka, not Yuki, and you refered to her as Yuri a couple of times as well.
I don’t see why the Furinkan students would have a trouble with a redhead, considering that there are people with purple, pink and green hair running around. Also, though it’s not common, there are occasional Japanese born with red hair.
That, and you should not unerestimate the crazy stuff Japanese teenagers are capable of doing to their hair. _~
Leif is all-too hard on himself. Considering the surprising lack of insanity and mass-destruction, that was a pretty good day by Furinkan standards.
Do you realise that you’ve devoted three whole chapters to presenting Leif’s personality? Character portrayals are nice and all, but the plot must always come in first hand. Less talking, stuff needs to start happening!
| Ghost chapter 2 . 4/13/2005
Despite the fast pace, your writing feels very drawn out, and I think I’ve figured out why. Take this passage for example:
”Leif eyed the new boy, who was wearing a blue school uniform with what looked like a bandolier on it. Leif took a closer look, and found him to have a long brown coffee-color ponytail. When he looked at his face, he saw that it was soft and rounded, eyelashes slightly too long, and saw that this person’s upper chest was slightly too large.”
Here you have the guy take three close looks on Ukyo, where one would have been sufficient. It’s not a whole lot of data to process: blue uniform, bandolier, brown ponytail, looks like a girl. Fairly basic stuff you notice almost immidatly when you meet a person for the first time.
What I’m trying to say is, you use a whole lot of words to convey very little information when you should be better off doing it the other way around.
In my most personal opinion, it would have been more fun if Leif actually mistook her for a boy. Don’t be afraid to give your characters weaknesses, shortcomings or quirks, because that is what makes them interesting and human. (I mean, look at the band of lunatics Takahashi dreamed up! )
Another example of how you can over-write a sentence:
“He flicked on the light with a diminutive click, and opened the blind, finding the rain hitting at a slight angle so that it met the glass and ran off.”
It’s a simple scene, so try using simple terms:
“He flicked the light on and opened the blinds, seeing the rain hitting the window.”
There, same thing but much less contrived.
Avoid using adverbs, especially unorthodox ones like “confusedly.” They are videly considered to be inherently evil among writers.
(Also, if I may say so, an overcast sky cannot possibly be “stealthy.”)
Ah, enter one of my favourite Ranma-characters! This will be sweet!
| Ghost chapter 1 . 4/6/2005
Technically speaking, this is all very good. However, you need to slow down a bit. Over all, the pace is very fast and lots of information is lost, such as why Leif gets to stay with the Tendos (who already have long-term guests) in the first place, not to mention emotions, thoughts etc. Explain less and describe more.
I also advise you to break up the dialogue better, with new paragraphs for every individual character. It’s not a must, but it does make it a whole lot easier on the readers.
There’s no need to describe the entire cast, as anyone reading this probably knows about them already. Try not to bore the readers -or worse, imply that they are stupid- with useless information.
Leif is an interesting character. Some minor Mary Sue-warning, though.