|Reviews for Better Off Alone|
| Guest chapter 31 . 12/20/2016
My heart broke three times in the last half hour. I think I'll be crying myself to sleep after that. Seriously, your writing is so detailed and emotional. This is certainly one of the most powerful fics I've read, if not the most. And Mowz at the end... I knew something was up with her! Wow, I usually hate when people make up backstories to their stories but you tied it in so well and everything was so believable. And there was so much atmosphere to your writing. So, thanks for writing this. Seriously, that was one heck of an adventure.
| TheGreatGonzales chapter 2 . 6/25/2016
I would have appreciated some more detail through between Vivian joining the shadows. There were a couple missing words and some wordy parts that felt clunky. I'll use my account to review at some point, so just toss it a PM if you want me to elaborate on this.
Waffles seemed a little more rude that the yoshi in TTYD. Sure he speaks a little rough, but he was just blatantly rude here. I can write it off as both being part of the AU and being part of a child developing (To quote Double D from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, "Kids can be so cruel.")
Vivian is just now realizing that the rest of the world isn't horrible, yet she was treated extremely kind by both Mario and the inn keeper. I'd figure she'd have thought about that by this point. It even says nobody had ever been nice to her before, yet the inn keeper directly contradicts that.
The ship is coming on too strong too soon, especially seeing how long this is. The blanket thing made sense in canon, but I find it a little odd for her to find both his looks to be cute upon their first introduction. It's a little unbelievable.
Other than Waffles, all of the other characters' dialog was completely believable, no suspension necessary.
The details come at natural points and at a reasonable pace. It is neither bare bones nor purple.
The formatting is great. The paragraphs are not blocky and there are no choppy parts (choppy parts with lots of dialog is good.)
"So shoot me :P"
*pulls out 9 MM and caps author
| TheGreatGonzales chapter 1 . 6/25/2016
"...it wouldn't come, it never would."
This is a comma splice. You have two independent clauses connected with a comma. You ether need to add a coordinating conjunction (Ex: "...it wouldn't come, and it never would.), or replace the comma with a period or a semicolon (Please use semicolons sparingly. They're best used to show a strong connection between two sentences.).
"Vivian sat, huddled... a bleeding..."
You don't need the commas here. The word, "huddled" is a participle. It is a verb acting as an adjective. Therefore the clause it is in doesn't need a comma because it is a dependent clause (A dependent clause is a statement that isn't a complete thought on its own. When a sentence starts with an independent clause, a following dependent clause does not need a comma. However, if the sentence starts with a dependent clause, it must have a comma between it and the independent clause (Ex: [dependent clause] Huddled in a dark, damp corner of Rougeport's east side, [independent clause] Vivian sat.)
You should also noted that while you don't necessarily need, "with" immediately preceding, "...a bleeding scar...", I personally think it would flow better if you added it. That's just personal taste. As long as there are no ambiguities are made, one can generally leave out prepositions. There are some exceptions, but you'll know when they are needed, because it sounds very strange when they are left out.
I've noticed you also don't use commas to separate dialog from the rest of the words. When there is dialog in a sentence, separate it from the rest of the words with a comma.
EX: "I love you.", I said to my wife as she closed the door of her car.
EX: Whenever I see young hooligans making a rukus in the park, I always feel the need to shout, "Knock it off!."
This is just a personal preference on formatting, but generally when there is dialog where the speaker is implied (There is no, "X said," or, "X exclaimed,") in a bit of dialog, it is better to start on a new line.
Ex: Jeff was walking throught the atrium, hunting a mouse that had been keeping his family awake at night. His son, Ron, who had been affected the most by the mouse, studied his dad.
"I've almost gottcha, little mousy."
"Eh pops, ya think talking to the pest makes 'em more likely to scurry out?"
"Shut yer trapper. Yer gonna scare it."
",small, but dominant..."
I feel that there are two ways you could make this flow better. One would be to replace, "but" with, "yet." You might also consider making the bit about them being small its own sentence.
Here is how you might change it: "Bedlam stood with her arms cross. They were small yet dominated her younger sisters."
I didn't see anything else that wasn't covered by previous corrections.
Now, let me be clear. My only intention was to show you your mistakes. I don't know if your still writing. I don't know if you've improved. But, in the case that you never did learn these things, I put them here.
I actually think the set up was decent. It was a bit... dark for my taste. I'll be reading the rest of the story with content as my primary focus. Should I see repeat mistakes that were outlined here, I will not mention them. Should I see basic mistakes that seem like typos, I'll not mention them. However, if I see a more technical mistake, I'll point it out so you'll know how to avoid it in the future.
For the record, I actually learned of this story on DeviantArt. Some Koops x Vivian artist said that s/he was the author of this, so I figured I'd check it out.
| Cyan Quartz chapter 3 . 11/5/2015
Great detailing and all, man!
| Cyan Quartz chapter 1 . 11/5/2015
I have to say, I'm glad ole' vivian got her own story, a well written one att hat! Good job!
| NeoRedDawn chapter 31 . 4/29/2015
I was ready to cry tears of eternal sadness. BUT NOW I CAN ONLY CRY TEARS OF JOY THANK YOU FOR THE GOD BLESSED POWER OF DEUS EX MACHINA! That ending though, mowz is teresa? I liked that. I liked it a lot.
| Shadow'sDelight chapter 31 . 2/22/2015
Amazing story! Great job!
| Black Twilight Wolf chapter 2 . 10/16/2014
Welcome to the team Vivian.
Onto the next chapter.
| Black Twilight Wolf chapter 1 . 10/16/2014
Somebody needs to kick Beldum ass.
Onto the next chapter.
| Estefani chapter 31 . 7/28/2014
This is one of the best Mario fanfics on this site. I really like the story plot and the characters's portrayal. Kudos to you for finishing this :D
| Happy Yoshi chapter 31 . 2/13/2014
OMG, this is an AMAZING story! Oh man. . . I CRIED when I read the last part of Chapter 30, and I was STILL crying when I was reading this chapter. . . I'm still crying now. I can see your efforts in this story. . . It's clear as crystal. It's one of the best stories I've ever read! I loved EVERY second of reading it. EVERY minute, EVERY chapter! It was TOTALLY worth it. . . Thank you for sharing this with us. It IS a WONDERFUL and AMAZINGLY AWESOME story! And Koops and Vivian make a good couple. . . I see your view on that couple. Now I love Koops and VIvian all over again! When Vivian passed away, and Koops was nearly killed, I was crying so hard. I REFUSED to wipe my tears, it just makes the crying more . . . vague . . . in more ways than one. I swear, NOTHING'S made me cry THAT much before! This is one of the best stories I've ever read on Fanfiction . . . And when you brought up the fact that Koops was The Stalwart Koopa's DESCENDENT! I was literally in SHOCK! I mean, WOW! And Ms Mowz turned out to be Teresa all along! DOUBLE WOW! And when Goombella was Goombertha's descendent and Waffles was Nero's descendent?! COME ON! That's QUADRUPLE WOW! This story is AWESOME in MORE ways than one! I pitied Koops until this chapter, when Vivan came back. I could HARDLY believe it! He was mourning over her apparent 'death' and now they're back together again! Yay!
So thanks for sharing this heart-warming, romantic 'tragedy' with us. I LOVE romancy stuff! (Sorry for the LONG rant! That's the longest review I've ever done!)
| Twizler86258 chapter 31 . 11/2/2013
Oh my goodness. I've attepted to finish this story about 3 times now (I only made it to the cannon ending of the game each time). But I have to say, that now that I've finished it competly, it was MORE than worth it. Thank you for introducing me to this ship, and turning me into a hardcore VivianxKoops shipper :)
| Guest chapter 31 . 10/20/2013
This is an amazing story.
| SilentCoru chapter 31 . 7/30/2013
I just read this story this week. And wow... what a trip. I'm amazed at how thoroughly you pulled things together, at how the characters suddenly took on a depth they hadn't possessed before. What makes a great fanfiction is a story that builds and even improves on the original subject... and I know the next time I play TTYD, I'll think of the story and the characters with a little more wonder...
Well done. ]
| Twizler86258 chapter 9 . 2/16/2013
I was always confused here. Did Lilian die in the the way that the end of this chapter describes, or in a field the way that Vivian remembers it? I was always confused as to how she actually died