Reviews for Dark Future
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 11 . 5/11/2005
I have to say this is one of your best written stories yet. Your technique is improving. Also, the telling of the tale from the PoV of a single character was a nice touch. There were a few plot holes, and certain aspects of the story didn't resonate with me, but that doesn't detract in any way from the technical achievment. Good job!
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 7 . 5/4/2005
Time for a wild guess: the overlord is Professor Hamilton. I suppose I'll find out later, but that's enough reviewing for tonight.
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 6 . 5/4/2005
I found the little confront between Annia and Rebecca a trifle pointless, until I read the stuff that came after it (which should have come before it). The confront was poorly set up. Annia should have had some thoughts in earlier chapters (that we were allowed to hear) about her observations of Rebecca and musings about what she (Rebecca) might be thinking. Elli was poorly introduced as well. She's clearly some kind of big wheel with the overlord, but we get no backstory, not even a line or two. it's just 'there she is folks!' As to Rebecca getting Adam killed: Kudos, kid, well done, good job, here's your medal! Other than that the chapter was good. Ace's trick of using the fact that water doesn't compress to generate a shock wave to destroy those robot sharks was neat (except that robots can't take 'fatal' damage, they are destroyed, not killed).
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 5 . 5/4/2005
This world that Akti(?) has created is a bit puzzling. Why did Adam, er Ace, attack one of the sentinals? Wasn't the whole idea to keep a low profile? I also find it odd that sentinals that can detect a mugging in a alley wouldn't pick up on an object being thrown at them and quickly determine its point of origin. And why no DNA scans to pick up mixed human/kryptonian genes? Another mystery is how the automted weapon you mentioned to WWLAOS could monitor an energy flux in a tower it had never been able to detect before. The main problem seems to be that you want to have your cake and eat it too, as they say. On the one hand Akti(?) is supposed to be a major bad-ass who keeps an eye on every last detail of the world he rules, while on the other hand is so incompetant that he doesn't notice the sudden appearance of six or seven metahumans in mid-town Manhatten.
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 4 . 5/4/2005
A decent chapter, except for the end, which made no sense. The destruction of Fate's tower seems pointless based on what you've written so far. Ace and Rebecca taking false names to hide their identities - from who? If they never left the tower, why would they need them? The fact that they bother with them, and that everyone is passing familiar with the world outside the tower, suggests that they've all been outside at one time or another. So why does the enemy detect it now? There's no logical reason, except a plot device to ramp up the drama. Unfortunately, it's a plot device that comes across as contrived, and so falls flat.
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 3 . 5/4/2005
Introspection. That's something new for you, I think. You did a good job. The results of their respective deliberations must come later.
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 2 . 5/4/2005
Some good physical descriptions here. It seems you're taking a slower pace and letting the story unfold gradually. That's a pleasant change.
Jezrianna2.0 chapter 1 . 5/4/2005
Interesting opening act. The monologue is a bit disjointed, and there are too many commas, but it gets its information across well enough. One minor point: In-ze isn't a human name. If I was on Earth and wanted to conceal my identity, I'd take a name like Smith or Jones. Given, however, that they aren't (or at least don't seem to be) on Earth, I don't see the point of the name change.
oneredneckgoddess chapter 11 . 4/27/2005
THAT WAS AWESOME! GL shouldn't have been so skeptical... he has traveled through time enough that this should have been just another story... Sorry to see it come to an end but it was COOL!
nightbug08 chapter 11 . 4/27/2005
I like being right too, it's fun!
WWLAOS chapter 11 . 4/27/2005
As far as the chapter goes...I liked it. It was a nice ending, wrapping up a few things..in two different time-lines no less...and giving a bit of hope for the future. It was good to see the world returning to normal after Akati's demise. The brief look at the regular Justice League through the eyes of...I think that was Adam...that was pretty good too. The very end I thought was excellent. The whole journal-entry thing is a bit cliche, but it worked well here. Aisha's observations were very well done. You can always count on humanity to go back to killing itself the second they get a chance to. All in all, a very nice ending.

Overall your story was quite good. I really think chapter 10 flopped, but even that wasn't awful. My main complaint with the story as a whole is that you're going a bit too fast. You seem obsessed with writing the story as fast as possible in as few words as possible. Speed in updating and efficient word use are good, but sometimes you just need to sit back and write a bit more. A lot of things in your story could have used more description, or just plain more time dedicated to them. You often churn out scene after scene without giving any of them a whole lot of description or background. Some scenes start and end without ever presenting a reason for their existence. Sometimes that sort of fast pace works well, and you certainly don't want to be like me with my useless wordage and overbearing length, but, you know, it would be nice if you put a bit more into each of your scenes. Still, when all is said and done, it was a great story and a very enjoyable read.

I've always wondered why more people don't review your stories. My incessant complaining aside, you are a great author with some very good stories. I know I don't have much place to talk; I myself have only left reviews for this, We Were, and I Was. Still, throughout the production of this story only myself and oneredneckgoddess have reliably left reviews. I would think someone of your caliber would have a larger following than that. You certainly deserve the attention.
oneredneckgoddess chapter 10 . 4/26/2005
Oh that was good. I give you the Grammy, the Emmy and the Oscar... Congrats... Really hope that there is another chapter...
Figure8.skates chapter 1 . 4/26/2005
Really good so far.
WWLAOS chapter 10 . 4/26/2005
All right...well let's start off with this. That little blurb about pain right at the beginning? Nice. Not great, but nice. It added a bit of extra flavor to the chapter; almost always a good thing. The Lance O' Blackness tempting the group? Classic! I loved it. Nine tenths (9/10) of the fight against Akati...er, Galatea? Awesome. Galatea being Akati? Very interesting, and actually alluded to previously. Very clever. Adam being there? Well, it wasn't un-awesome (never really liked him), and it certainly fit the storyline.

That out of the way...what the heck? Galatea being felled by a knife to the neck? Ok, now I see how that knife formerly possesed by Rebecca (and her...habit) fit into the overall story, but seriously, that is kind of a weak ending to the would-be Great Lord Akati. I realize that Galatea had yet to rise to power, as she had not yet obtained The Lance, but...could a simple knife even affect her? Hm...well, there was the whole kryptonite thing, but still, I wouldn't think she would be weakened to that extent. She's frickin' Galatea!

Alright, that aside, the post-fight conversation was a bit...well, a bit too perfect. Inza isn't dead, she planned the whole thing? How convenient. Their timeline isn't going to be erased? How very nice and ethically nuetral. Booster Jr., a.k.a. Robert, is the one who dies and then never exists? Also, the trick to the whole non-existence thing is in name alone? Well, that's just peachy-keen. I guess that's one way not to have to kill off any or all of your beloved main characters. Loop-holes, how we love thee. Galatea becoming a man and then taking on the name Akati...ok, that was actually pretty clever. Adam knowing nothing of the identity of Akati before Galatea shows up, and then knowing the entire story after the fight? How does that work? Also, the whole, "Oh look! Alfred brought kryptonite! Everybody partay!" thing was just too convenient and scripted. And to top it all off, there's another tower just waiting for them to inhabit. It's all just too perfect. There is no real loss, there is hardly any struggle (struggle as in "difficulty"); just sweet, sweet victory.

Please don't be offended, I've enjoyed your story so far, but I just feel like you really dropped the ball on this chapter. What was there was well written, it was just too convenient, everything working out perfectly like that. I do look forward to the next, apparently final, chapter. Hopefully we'll get to learn a little bit about what the future holds.
oneredneckgoddess chapter 9 . 4/26/2005
I don't like you. Did you really have to stop there? Really like you ran out of paper had to stop or you just wanted us to be sitting on the edge of whatever we are sitting on until you post again? Yeah kudos to keeping me interested... not many can... Patiently (not really but I can fake it) waiting for the next one.
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