|Reviews for The Endless|
| LuckyLadybug chapter 6 . 7/26/2005
Ah, a filler chapter. XD Well, every good story needs a few of these. Kind of a "calm before the next storm."
Wow, I didn't realize the mansion was that close to Domino, or maybe I'm forgetting where they mentioned its location in an earlier chapter.
| LuckyLadybug chapter 5 . 7/26/2005
So the assassin has been coming for years and has never killed The Mrs. yet? XD That seems rather odd, but amusing in some strange way. Obviously there's more going on here than meets the eye.
It would be good if there was more insight into their thoughts, especially during the conversation Jou has with The Mrs. after the assassin's defeat. I like how Jou is thinking about how boring it is to just be hiding like that, and how he called Yugi. And The Mrs. is very intriguing indeed.
| LuckyLadybug chapter 4 . 7/21/2005
Man, that redhead is strong, to be able to actually get Jou on the floor. XD
I'm not sure what to say in the way of constructive criticism, except more of the same "it needs more detail" stuff. Somehow it seems slightly . . . disjointed and moving too quickly, though it's an enjoyable read and plot. I'm anxious to see how things will go!
Ah, and now you introduce the idea of the woman's resemblance to the Red-Eyes. Intriguing.
| yllom21 chapter 3 . 5/27/2005
Very nice chapter! I'm interesting in the Mafia. For advice, I believe you should have the writing take the entire line, it's confusing why it only takes half a pg. Nice story!
| LuckyLadybug chapter 3 . 5/21/2005
Ah, very intriguing indeed! I love how the plot is developing. Some more detail would be nice, though, to balance out the dialogue. Also, in reference to this line: "She had scared the hell out of him from the moment they had met", it's better not to use swear words (or colloquial words, either, BTW) in the writing unless the character himself (or herself) is speaking.
I'm anxious to see how this will develope. Yugi and the others will definitely be worried when they find that Jou is missing!
| SinSisters chapter 3 . 5/20/2005
Ich shpootnik! *beep beep beep*
jounouchi rounds the alley and finds...
| yllom21 chapter 2 . 5/19/2005
Nice story, and I don't think it is a Mary-Sue. There is only one thing I disagree on. If the woman was so badly injured, shouldn't he have sent her to the hospital Just curious that's all.
| TheCubeStud chapter 1 . 4/30/2005
This is the greatest story ever! I'm your biggest fan, please update soon! I love you! I'll stop now...
| LuckyLadybug chapter 2 . 4/30/2005
Oh, I like the girl. XD Not what I was expecting, even though you mused somewhat on making her not like Jou. There's mostly dialogue in the chapter, though. I think details would really improve it, such as more of their thoughts, more of a physical description of the girl, the tones of voice used, and such.
There's a couple of slight errors at the beginning: "eye's" for "eyes", and I think this part of the sentence "looking in every which direction and then eventually Jounouchi", would be improved by the usage of "to" between "eventually" and "Jounouchi." Also, right here: "he really didn’t wish too either", that's an occasion where "to" should be used, since "too" means "also."
| LuckyLadybug chapter 1 . 4/30/2005
Well, since I know this won't be a Mary-Sue, I'm very interested. XD I'm anxious to see how you work out the plot you were telling me about.
A short chapter, yes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I like the bits of description here and there. Jou's a cool character, unfortunately marred by the dub making him more dumb than he's supposed to be. XD; It looks like you'll be working from the Japanese version, so there won't be that problem here, I'm sure.
Since the chapter's short, though, I can't find too much to say about it, good or bad. XD Though, it probably could use a bit more detail. I imagine the future chapters will be longer and provide more of that?