|Reviews for Apprentice of the Mystics|
| St. Danger chapter 8 . 8/27/2008
Very funny and a great job overall. I like how you portrayed Flea.
And I was highly, highly amused about the bit where Flea turned into a cat at the end.
Very nice work, I liked it a lot!
| little dumpling chapter 8 . 3/28/2008
wow! i loved it! what a great fic you have here! it was very a very convincing tale of Magus' lost years!
the friendship bond formed between flea and janus was great! the story was perfect! i could see it going on, as flea's next movements don't seem resolved, but i know you were just working with what you were given, so i commend you for that! and the cat idea was great!
i am sad to see only 5 reviews for such a great little story! anyways, great story, nice read!
| heofon chapter 8 . 6/1/2005
*is getting on with the ‘fics to review’ list*
Let me start of by saying that it’s a great idea – to describe the ‘Janus crashes onto Mystics’ story from somebody else’s POV, not Janus’. Not only I don’t think I’ve seen it done this way so far (although I haven’t read all CT fanfics, cough) but it also offers the readers a Flea story, so two birds with one stone!
But, I have one main problem with the story – that it’s written in the first person perspective. I’m generally against it, unless it’s a diary or a flashback kind of story. And that brings me to the idea that had just enlightened me when I was thinking about this fic while cleaning the damn apartment. That it would’ve been great if you made Flea have a diary and write his opinions on Janus that way, while interlacing it with 3rd PP, sometimes maybe even having somebody interrupt him while he’s writing in the diary. That way you could easily summarize events in narratives while lacing it through with Flea’s character and opinions, add maybe some personal history in random recollections and associations and add more everyday details by describing where Flea was writing when he is interrupted and why is interrupted in the first place. All the while having a perfectly legitimate reason for describing action in 1st PP in the diary and then do some Flea POV, 3rd person narration outside of the diary! Actually, it feels like such a great idea to me that I think I should keep it to myself and write my own version of the Janus start with the Mystics! _–
Anyway, I have more. I have a lot of chapter specific questions (I’m not MY own worst critic, I’m the worst critic of others!), so let me start off with Chapter 1.
How come Ozzie knows that Janus has some kind of power? Ozzie’s generally rather weak mentally, so it’s quite odd that he would think of it. Unless Janus displayed some powers, but then it would disrupt your idea of having him taught magic. But that’s also another ‘but’ – if Janus didn’t display any magic upon meeting Ozzie, why would Ozzie ever consider taking in a human?
Although we know who Ozzie, Slash and Flea are, we know very little on them in particular and what I’d like to know is more details. Why is Ozzie the leader of the Mystics? He doesn’t look strong, does he have strong magic?
We don’t know at first where they are when Ozzie brings the kid, so it’s very hard to imagine the scene properly. Just a line or two on some specific location and what Flea and Slash were doing there would help – like they were discussing some news on something the humans had done in, say, meeting hall in the castle? Also, on that note, some more details on their physical actions would be helpful here, like Flea was lounging gracefully in the frame of the window, while the uncouth Slash had his feet on the table (or other way around, depending on the characterization). And generally I demand more imagination food here! Was there a carpet that Janus crumpled to? Or was it a stone floor? Was it morning or afternoon? Was it sunny or raining?
Same with the dungeon, I had problems imagining it properly.
And lastly, I have one HUGE but (...too overused a joke...) – how come they already have the castle? How did they come to have it? And are they already at war with the humans? And if not, what are they doing? And why Slash and Flea have a privileged position among the Mystics? Why didn’t Flea order some other Mystic to take the boy to a dungeon if they are above others? And what are Slash’s and Ozzie’s personal histories? And IMO, I’d rather have Flea do some mental recollections on his past than have it so curtly revealed in a convo! Or both! ;) How come they came to be ‘together’? (I personally think that they were not when Janus appeared, which is even more why I asked myself that question here.)
So my idea of opening the fic would be something along the very rough draft of:
“June 17th, 580 [or whatever date that suits your story, personally I think it might’ve very well been 20 years]
This was officially the worst day I’ve had ever since I let Nango [whatever...] talk me into trying out his ‘Imp Pie’ and I learnt that I hate said Imp Pie. And I hate Imps in general! They’re ugly, weak and useless! But I hate children more, even more than having resin stuck in my hair, and today I had to deal with... it. I’ve always hated children, even when I was a child. The slimeball, Slash, says it was because I was picked on as a child, but that’s not it. I hate children, Mystic, human or whatever, because they’re nasty, messy creatures with no sense of manners or grace. And so LOUD! ‘I want this!’, they whine, ‘I don’t like that!’, ‘I’ve just wet myself because I’m a nasty little kid who can’t even control his own bladder! Yay!’ Gah!
And then out of the blue Ozzie brings in a little blue-haired brat. I was just in the [...] with Slash, the weather was great, perfect sunny morning without any signs of the impending disaster, when he came back to the castle from [...], pushing it before him.
[retelling of the story up to Flea dumping Janus in the dungeons]
I don’t care if it starves, I’m not going back in there. If Ozzie thinks the kid has some kind of powers – though hell knows why he’d ever think so – then he can take care of it himself! Or maybe rats will eat it and the problem will solve itself. Hopefully. In either case, it’s not my human, I’m not its keeper!
And damn, I liked that cape!
June 20th, Saturday
Okay, so I said I wouldn’t go back in there, but then I got bored and I did.”
And so on. As cliché as it sounds, it’s just an idea, but it hit me just as it was hovering crumbs from under the fridge and wouldn’t let go! Another great idea would be to have Flea, Slash and Ozzie retell the story of Janus to somebody, after he kicked their arses as Magus, with Flea as the main narrator and Ozzie and Slash cutting in occasionally (After all, they reappear in CC, so we don’t know if he killed them or what).
Phew, I bushed myself! So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go back to cleaning and maybe review more when the review bunny comes to visit again!
| Meushell chapter 7 . 5/7/2005
Nice. So it sounds like Flea is the reason he's in charge. Sounds like Flea will have something to be proud of. Nice story with Flea's name. Curious to see Ozzie's and Slash's reaction when Janus takes charge.
| Raftina Rune chapter 7 . 5/6/2005
Ah! Wonderful piece of work! I'm sorry I haven't reviewed earlier, I've been busy this week with finals and moving out of my dorm and stuff. I hope you continue this soon. *huggles Alfador*
| Meushell chapter 4 . 5/6/2005
Nice story. It's interesting to hear what happened, and from Flea's point of view. I always liked Flea more than Ozzie and Slash. Interesting view on why Flea doesn't like humans. Curious to see how Janus ends up in charge, and how he treats them since they treat him differently.
| Almighty God of Paper chapter 1 . 5/5/2005
Nice job so far! Everyone seems in character.
By the way, I love your description of the story: "No yaoi, though there is a bit of Slash..." That made me laugh XD