|Reviews for Stuck in the younger me|
| Jingyee1511 chapter 2 . 5/10/2008
Ak? Is this the end of the story? T_T And here i am beginning to feel the anticipation for the next chapter! Aw please, will you kindly continue the story? It's such an interesting idea, Yusaku and Kyoko- i've not finished the manga, so this idea sounds great! Aw, can you please continue on the story? Pretty please?
"It is extremely helpful to use this opportunity to comment on an aspect of the story that can be improved. A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding tool for the writer. "
Well, ok, if that's true.. The story will be better if you describe it from a third person's point of view, with more descriptions instead of consentrating totally on dialouge...
Won't you please continue the story?
| Tokyo Fox chapter 2 . 10/15/2005
Hmm a little more promsing than the other one but it might work.
| Plastic Strawberries chapter 1 . 6/2/2005
You've just started reading/watching Maison Ikkoku, havent you? If you read it (I've only read it) you would know that Kyoko was 22 and Yusaku was 20. She was two years older than him. If she's 21 in your fanfic, that would make Yusaku 19. Which he certainly is not.
I agree with Daisuke-n-Dark, you could try writing a little better.
Not a flame. Just some advice.
Can't wait to see your future work. D
| sh4mesh4me chapter 2 . 5/23/2005
It's sort of hard to comment, since the chapter was so short and the plot was not really developed very far. Sorry if it sounds like I'm only criticising, but really, you should consider getting a beta reader. Most people new to the site (and I think you are) should.
| sh4mesh4me chapter 1 . 5/23/2005
It was all right. I mean, the plot wasn't really introduced, so it's hard to tell, but I feel like there could have been more description. Dialogue kind of needs actions interspersed. Also, the speech...I feel like real people wouldn't really talk like that. You could try saying the dialogue aloud of it helps. Or, you know, add more contractions.
| Inkster chapter 2 . 5/7/2005
okay, this is the third time for me to try to review this? Lol. I'm very determind right now! Lol. Normally I'm never determind when it's late like this... but, I'm going to try.
Okay first off I'm going to give you some criticism. Which not always is criticism is bad it's good in a lot of ways. So, please, do not think I'm flaming you out or anything. That is the last thing I'm trying to do.
But anyway, your length... you need to work on a little bit. How you can improve your length is adding a lot of description in it. Your moving very fast in this story the way it looks. Maybe if you slow down a bit and work things out, you'll be able to add some description so we can get some general idea of where the story is taking place at and what the characters are really like. . Sometimes adding what their thinking is good also. Okay, I'll give you an example on your story. . Hope you don't mind. I'll show you some ways to actually lenghten your story a bit while using your story. .
*“Do you want to go have breakfast at the café?” Yusaku asked.
“Ok. I will get my purse…”
“No, I’ll pay for it because today is your birthday.” Yusaku interrupted.
“Ok. That’s real nice of you.” Kyoko replied.
“ , let’s go!” Yusaku said. He wanted to get to the café early so not a lot of people would be there.
They decided to walk to the café so Yusaku could talk to her on the way there.
“So how old are you today?” Yusaku asked in a shy voice.
“21.” Kyoko replied. (A/n: I just thought of an age.)
“Oh. My birthday is in a few months.” Yusaku said.
Okay that's what you wrote at the end of chapter one. Now let me revise it for you:
"I was wondering," Yusaku stuttered while shuffling one foot back and forth, not being able to look at Kyoko in the eyes, "Would you likek to maybe grab some breakfast with me?" His face flustered as his eyes slowly met with hers.
A grin spread across her face, "Sure, let me go get my purse..."
"No no, I'll pay for it." Yusaku exclaimed waving his hands in front of his face while shaking his head back and forth, not allowing his female partner pay.
Kyoko smirked as her eyes lighten up, "Okay! Thanks that's really nice of you doing that for me." Her long dark hair flashed in front of her as a smell, a certain smell Yusaku never smelt before. That smell? What could that smell be? He smelt that smell before, and the word was at the tip of his tongue, but it wasn't quite there.
"Shall we be going now?" He asked taking in a gulf of the sweet aroma that Kyoko wears. The smell, it drove him almost mad!
Kyoko smiled at him and nodded her head, "Okay" She announced as she grabbed a hold of Yusaku's arm and smiled up at him.
Now was his chance. The chance to ask Kyoko, the girl or more in line, the women of his dreams questions. Questions about herself. Lately it's been more about him than well... her. He wanted to hear about her, what her life was like, how she was doing. How she was feeling.
"Soo..." Yusaku exclaimed rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand...
"So what?" She asked gazing up at him with those eyes. Those eyes that made him smile.
"How has your day been going?" He asked. 'Ohh man, what a stupid question to be asking! Why? Why do I always have to ask these stupid questions?' he throught with a mental groan.
Kyoko smiled hesitantly, 'how do I always get myself into these types of messes? He's so nervous, why though? It's not like we never been out together before.' Kyoko thought to herself and answered, "Oh everything has been fine. How has school been? Have you been working on your essays?"
"Oh well, I've been doing alright. It's just getting kinda harder but nothing I can't do without the help of you being at my side to make sure I'm doing it." Yusaku exclaimed with a slight manly chuckle. 'I'm completely making an idiot out of myself.' He sighed.
"Glad to hear that I have become some help for you." Kyoko said with a giggle. Watching as the boy beside her fluster. He always did every time he got near here.
"So, how old are you turning today Ms. Kyoko?"
Yusaku eyes twinkled in the suns light as it began to slowly make its way down behind the houses and trees. Birds song high in the bright blue sky, as the trees sways softly in the light, crisp breeze. It almost felt like Yusaku could re-live this lustful dream, even though... this is no dream. Oh no, this was real life. But making sure, he had to self pinch himself.
Lol. Okay there. That wasn't really to good. But that should give you some idea of how to lengthen your story out.
I think you could make this story pretty good. Just it's very strange. But a strange fic is good too. . I shall read more of it when you do write another chapter. .
Well until next time... keep up the good work!
| Fluffy Obsessed chapter 2 . 5/7/2005
LOL. Old fart...fairy...Mr. Yotsuya...he kinda reminds me of Miroku from Inuyasha, no? Great story so far. Just a sugestion; make the chapters a little longer, ok? Read my fic sometime!