|Reviews for 500 Steps|
| hooray4david chapter 1 . 9/20/2010
| Nikki chapter 1 . 1/4/2006
I am so happy that I found this fic again! I read it sometime ago (I forget where) and have been searching so I can leave a proper review. I like your take on Severus' mental status once he discovers Remus has left. Upon tragic events, people are apt to react OOC, and I think that you captured it perfectly. (Of course, there is also the reasoning that no one truely knows how these adult Harry Potter characters act when not around children, so maybe this is Severus' true nature lol).
I thought that it was brillant!
| iimagineyou chapter 1 . 9/12/2005
I really like how this was written, and the ending made me smile.
| BlackCherries chapter 1 . 7/28/2005
Lovely. Absolute lovely...
| Veronica chapter 1 . 7/3/2005
Very interesting style. I liked how the steps are emphasized, really putting the reader in Severus' shoes. All of his feelings are very nicely conveyed, and it really is a shame that some people can't see that.
| Ellid chapter 1 . 7/3/2005
I've liked this one ever since it appeared on LJ - and it's a very clever way of meeting the 500 challenge on Lupin-Snape. You conveyed Snape's agitation and limned his relationship with Lupin well.
| Underlucius chapter 1 . 7/3/2005
I think this was a nice cyclic piece, and I understood exactly what you were aiming at - I'm going to email Desiree (which is the name of a potato!) and tell her that she has no idea what CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is.
| I Write Tragedies chapter 1 . 6/30/2005
-Five steps into his parlor…he notices the room is spotless.-
There needs to be a "that" in between the words 'notices' and 'the'. Also, there shouldn't be a series of full-stops in between the words 'parlour' (yes, you mispelt that, Severus is BRITISH not American) and 'he'.
-Twelve steps around the room…he realizes it’s spotless because all of his lover’s carelessly strewn things are gone.-
Again, no need for the full-stops after 'room' and before 'he'. That is very annoying and distracting.
-Nine steps into his bedroom…he confirms that Lupin has completely cleared out of the dungeons.-
Are you trying to get me to stop reading this? Knock it off with the excess of full-stops.
-Thirty-two steps paced back and forth across the floor…damn, he knew that his silence had hurt and upset the werewolf.-
AGAIN WITH THE BLOODY FULL-STOPS! _#(*%URE
-Seventeen steps to the kitchenette…he starts to make tea.-
Wait, if they're in the dungeons at Hogwarts, which I assume they are, then why the hell is there a kitchenette? Severus is always seen eating up in the Great Hall, as are all of the other professors. It doesn't make sense for there to be extra kitchens just sprinkled about the castle. It also doesn't make sense for there to be a cute little kitchenette in a dungeon.
How do you like it?
-Fine, if that’s the way the prat wants to be, fine.-
Too many fines.
-Three steps to the cupboard…he gets down his favorite cup. Severus blinks a frown at Remus’ usual mug next to his.-
The reader already knows that this is Severus that you are talking about, so you do not need to include his name all of a sudden after using the word he to refer to him several times before.
Also, how the hell do you blink a frown? You don't. You simply blink and frown but I do not see Severus doing either since he is very good at keeping his emotions hidden. I do believe that you already implied this earlier on the fic. You're contradicting yourself.
-Severus is still holding his cup of tea.-
Stop saying his name! The way that you're writing is really getting on my nerves. Also, he would not still be holding his cup of tea. That would be more of Remus's style. He would be the one to be comfortable enough to walk around where anyone could see him drinking his tea. That's not in Severus's nature. I doubt he even eats or drinks that much during meals in the Great Hall, let alone wander around with teacup in his hands.
-when Remus caught Severus’ arm-
*Severus's is the proper way to spell that.
-just after the Potions Master tripped.-
So now you're having Severus refer to himself as the Potions Master? He already knows he's the Potions Master and so do we. You're not even supposed to be using his name, let alone one of his titles.
Fantasised. So you can say the word biscuits and know that those are cookies but you can't spell the proper way? That's very irritating.
-other times doing…well…other things.-
What the hell? All right, having all those extra full-stops after those words implies that Severus is feeling apprehensive or nervous, which he obviously isn't therefore the full-stops have no purpose other than to agitate me.
-Sixty-four steps…he’s standing in front of Lupin’s classroom. Last night Severus hadn’t really meant to be so cruel.-
He would have to take many more than sixty steps considering that he is in the dungeons and the DADA classroom is on the second or third floor and the main floor does not count as the first floor.
-Eight quick steps…he’s in front of Remus’ office door.-
Actually, I think Remus's office is one floor above his classroom. You should the HP Lexicon to be sure. That is a very big oversight on your part.
-He could not help his own smile at the thought of spending the day with his Lupin in Hogsmeade.-
Er. No. Severus is not the Hogsmeade type. He seeks seclusion and he avoids sunlight, which explains his sallow skin tone in case you had forgotten. The very last thing that he would want to do is head off to Hogsmeade where all sorts of cheery witches and wizards live. What the hell would they even do there? Walk around, window shop, and hold hands? Yeah, that's just so how I picture Severus spending an afternoon. *rolls eyes* Do you even read the books? Do you even know these characters?
-Eighteen steps…he’s at the staff entrance into the Great Hall.-
There is no staff entrance. Everyone enters the same way except for a few special cases because of the little room in the back of the Great Hall that leads outside (or at least I think so, it's been a while since I read GoF, which you may want to read in addition to the rest of the series since you obviously haven't).
-Tiramisu is now Severus’ favorite dessert.-
That does not make any sense whatsoever.
And again, it's Severus's, you nitwit.
-Ten steps…he’s at the flight of stairs near Remus’ rooms.-
Remus's, not Remus'.
-talked into the wee hours about nothing.-
Do you honestly believe that Severus would ever use the word 'wee'? That is just retarded.
*Realises. Remember, Severus is British and therefore you need to be using British spellings of words.
-Twenty steps up…he’s on a first landing again. They’re both very fond of shoving each other against walls. This one is a particular favorite.-
How so very interesting. Please be sure to note the sarcasm in which I typed that.
And the entire ending was horrible.
This fic was dull, poorly written, and the common word usage was astoundingly irritating. My only advice is learn how to write properly and when you're writing in someone's POV who is British, use British spellings.
| SamuraiCat1019 chapter 1 . 5/14/2005
I thought that was adorable. I enjoyed this style of writing you used, it really kept the story flowing. I actually started counting Severus's steps -
| Sea Priestess chapter 1 . 5/13/2005
Moving and so original.
| BekaJWP chapter 1 . 5/11/2005
Wow...What a faulous idea. And it works really well! I very much like this :)
| EastSide chapter 1 . 5/8/2005
GAH! SO original! Great writing!