Reviews for Brothers in Arms
Gojiro17 chapter 18 . 6/27/2005
i thank the web site got filtered but its
Gojiro17 chapter 20 . 6/26/2005
hey man this is bigronnie17 just wanted to change my name.

well the death of nicole was the most depressing part of the show. the fact that he joined up to just protect the PLANTs made him an honorable solder. i would never expect his death at the hands of kevin. will athrun blame kira or kevin? oh yeah has info on the ZERO system as well as the info on the Wing zero custom from the Endless Walz(SP?) OAV. It is the one with the angle wings on the back just so you know. well keep it up i look forward to your new story and Brothers in Arms Destiny
bloodyknight85 chapter 20 . 6/26/2005
'Oh man... Did i see what i see just now? Nicol killed by Kevin... And I thought he would show mercy to a man who like music as much as he does... Oh well... the man is dead... Kira is not to blame... Wonder what will happen?'
i love athrun chapter 20 . 6/26/2005
IT IS GOOD BUT DO A NEW CHAPTER!
arekuruu-inabikari-no-She chapter 20 . 6/26/2005
Whoa, Blitz blown to hell by Strom Hawk's twin buster rifle, and even Athrun got scared by its show of power. Now don't you think that since Kevin killed Nicol, Athrun would try to kill Kevin now instead of Kira? As for your question I think its her unofficial nickname in Destiny but I'm not too sure about that. Though I really liked the conversation between Kevin and Dearka
NukeDawg chapter 19 . 6/25/2005
Great Chapter once again and yeah I will wait a bit to see what Kevin is all about. And thanks again for being allowed to use him
Relik chapter 19 . 6/25/2005
Just finished ch.19! Great job on all the technical stuff. Throughout the fic thus far, I really liked how you used real terminology (ie 'wilco') it lends an element of 'realness' to the story.

While there are some grammatical errors and perhaps a word missing here and there, your ideas were all fully developed and complex. I'd say you're a good writer. This is one of the best stories I've read here. Top three, hands down. Please continue updating!
arekuruu-inabikari-no-She chapter 19 . 6/24/2005
Great chapter and whoa thats a shocker that it was Uzumi that had Kevin assassinated and how you wrote the confrontation between Kevin and Uzumi had been different from what I was thinking but it was still good. Also, at last Kevin admits his true feelings to Cagalli but tries to deny it, I guess he doesn't know that the Lioness of Orb already has her eyes set on her intended prey. Now I'm wondering how Kevin will act when Athrun supposedly "kills" Kira later on, will he kill him or will his lady love stop him, ah the suspense...
Shinji Ikari chapter 19 . 6/24/2005
Well, for a Chapter in which a lot of critical stuff happened, some was done rather well and some could've been better. Overall it was pretty good, though. (So sorry to disappoint your remark at the end of the Author's Notes since its both instead of one or the other, heh.)

I'll start with the easiest point. While in the Kira/Kevin talk it switches perspectives so often I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume most times "Snake" is used you've switched to Kevin's perspective, there is one time early on where its undoubtedly Kira's perspective and he uses "Snake." That being the phrase, "Kira, dressed in civilian clothing, noted that the Snake...". Any of the others I'mm giving the benefit of the doubt; I recommend going through them and whichever ones are from Kira's perspective change to "Kevin" or "Blade." The one in the quoted sentence, though, as the only obvious one, also falls under the stuff "quick to change easily," so I recommend that be done.

Now, onto the major stuff.

First of all, the Kira/Kevin talk mostly lived up to my expectations (I say mostly because there's one part that merits critiquing which I'll get to later). I'm glad to finally learn about the zoanthorpes - I'd suspected they were a natural kind of species or somesuch so it was a surprise to find they were both that and victim of genetic manipulation. I've really got to get ahold of more DVD booklets or read that glossary now with the backstory tidbits you just threw. Or was "Reconstruction War" something I didn't catch in Episode 14? For the most part you did a pretty good job capturing the atmosphere I'd expect the talk to have - subdued on both their parts. And I *loved* seeing someone finally brush aside one of Kevin's evasions and call him in on it (the thing with his feelings about Cagalli). Finding Uzumi really did go after Kevin was delivered with the appropriate shock, although there's something later I'll address concerning their talk. And Kira being "mildly horrified" when he thought Kevin meant he'd try to get rid of Uzumi... great balance there too between Kira's friendship and dislike of killing and the like.

The point of criticism would be the part where Kevin's putting himself down about being a weapon and a monster and whatnot. While Kira didn't actually address this in any sense until later in the Chapter, the fact you didn't bother to get into Kira's emotions at *hearing* one of his closest friends talk like that is place which is blatantly emotionally dry and needs to get a bit of addition to it.

Next up, Uzumi... the actual confrontation was handled pretty well - and his reasons for going after Kevin do seem pretty in keeping with Uzumi's rash-er anti-war tendencies. You also managed to capture the conflict between Uzumi's general personality and his more rash tendencies at times in the conversation pretty well.

Up until the end when Kevin announces he intends to use an Orb weapon as a weapon of *vengeance*. You cut the scene there without showing Uzumi's reaction so I'll give this the benefit of the doubt Uzumi isn't out-of-character now, but if he doesn't face a severe amount of hassle getting the thing on board the Archangel later it will be an out-of-character. They may have made peace, but there's no way Uzumi would ever let someone walk out with an Orb weapon he intends to use for those mmeans. Granted, the M-Unit is technically property of the Onishi family, but considering he tried to assassinate Kevin and the kind of person he is and his beliefs on war (to say nothing of the fact the show arguably implies he's not above pulling some strings for the greater good at times), it would be completely out-of-character if he didn't try to pull a number of strings to keep Kevin from taking the Stormhawk out of Orb.

Next up is the Kevin/Kira/Cagalli talk... hooray for his friends finally trying to reach Kevin! I've been waiting a long time for that. I found it some very nice dramatic irony Kevin tried too use nuclear weapons to make a point of his own... I'll look forward to see him eating those words later on, heehee. Nice to see Kevin try to give Kira's psyche a boost too... makes me look forward even more to the dynamic when you say their friendship becomes a lot more important at Phase 31. This is one of those places you should generally go into more detail about Kevin's emotions, although its nothing like the lack of Kira emotion earlier in this Chapter or those really major points of criticism two Chapters ago, so I'd just file this away for (go back and fix later on with some of the earlier Chapters).

On the other hand, the implication Kevin was kept alive once more so he could play a major part in ending the war makes me iffy about the lack of an explanation for Kevin surviving the fusion bomb (especially if Fate, and not his nanites, healed his shot to the heart in Orb two years ago). In this case simply because it feels like a convenient deux ex machina. I don't really see any reason to criticize, though, since your Phase 50 example still fits here... if not for ghost-Flay partially comforting Kira after she perished, he might not've been able to defeat Rau Le Creuset, which could've meant a lot of trouble after GENESIS was stopped or that Rau defeated Kira before Athrun could stop GENESIS and kept him and Cagalli busy fighting until the third shot was fired. So I'll still buy the "fated" thing, although I'll still be thinking about it.

Then we get to the Kira/Flay/Kevin stuff. Another indication of some great points and some bad points. Perhaps the most laudable is how you did a very good job at not really getting into Flay's and Kira's emotions without making it obvious. In this case I understand why you didn't; at this point Flay especially could be very very hard to get into the head of. From the skill I've seen you show, I'm pretty sure you could pull it off if you tried, but I can understand why you wouldn't have the patience to try (especially when things are about to get really interesting in the story). You also made me want to smack Kevin for telling Kira the truth about Flay so soon after he broke up - I don't speak from experience but from my encounters when this kind of thing gets handled in depth in other stories it can be difficult to accept one one was mistaken in thinking oneself in love with another, especially when it involves using someone for comfort. And this is really the last thing Kira needs to deal with now. I understand Kevin might've been trying to make it easier for Kira and it had to be a tough call for him, though, and he did know that, didn't he? (And that's part of what makes this part so interesting.) Yes, this is not a criticism, this is a compliment because the scene was pulled off well enough it could get me upset with Kevin yet understanding.

Then, however, parts of the Flay/Kevin confrontation have some problems. The first part I'm not sure is a criticism: Was the "perhaps recognized him as a possible replacement for Kira as a weapon of vengeance." from Kevin's perspective or Flay's? If Kevin, there's no problem; if Flay's, this does merit editing. The prose there just is very very unwieldy. There are better ways to say someone is conflicted in their feelings to the point they're not sure what they're feeling while still thinking they want vengeance fulfilled than saying, "perhaps recognized him...". So if that's from Flay's perspective I recommend rewording that at some point. If its from Kevin's, its fine.

The other thing is much more questionable and does require criticism... its peculiar for a gun to fall from Kevin's armament when he's shoving someone back. Flay has absolutely no combat experience and Kevin has trashed people tons more skilled with her without weapons falling out, so that situation feels somewhat contrived too. The gun part of the confrontation needs to be removed or you need to give a valid reason for Kevin to drop it. Otherwise, the exchange was rather nice. However, heh, I don't envy you having to get into Flay's thoughts and feelings when she overhears a certain conversation in Phase 30 now (the one where Milly's worried about Tolle; personally I also can't wait to see what Kevin thinks of Tolle's naive "treat war as a game," attitude - looking at it clinically, as sad as it was, he had what happened in Phase 30 coming to him), but this time its too important not to get into at least somewhat since its bound to be different.

Stormhawk's getting Mirage Colloid and Kevin knows Nicol... dare I hope Kevin's presence will finally change one of the more tragic events of the war for the better? Needless to say, I will be bigtime hoping that happens, and eagerly awaiting the next Chapter to find out. Mayaswell comment on the Athrun stuff now while I'm touching on this topic. You cast that confrontation in a new light... I always thought Athrun's, "Is this... yours...?" an indication he was surprised Kira still had the bird even after what Lacus had told him and would've thought of Kira's, 'Belonged to a very valuable friend' stuff because he didn't think addressing Athrun personally would reach him and tried something a bit distant but still strongly worded. But your interpretation, that Athrun and Kira were trying not to blow anyone's cover, fits just as obviously too and I feel perhaps kinda' foolish for not seeing that as one of the most obvious ways to interpret that scene. The way Kevin walked off though with his eyes like that... I don't know if it was coincidence or you captured a certain feel really well, but I was very strongly reminded of those part in the Cartoon Network end Credits showing Athrun and Kira walking different ways from each other. And the "eyes strange behind the shades..." ...as you no doubt intended, makes one wonder whether his feelings towards Athrun have changed at all a little or what he's feeling. Good job keeping stuff obscure.

Skip back to the Kira/Mu stuff... now the differences in *that* were handled nicely. The way you integrated his feelings over what he found out about Flay and then the flashback to Kevin in the battle... this is the kind of stuff I expect to see in the next couple Chapters or more if certain major turning points happen in major different ways. Slight or major changes in mannerism/feeling depending on what fits, so on and so forth. I'm expecting a good deal more than just his little flashback to Kevin almost dying in the Orb border battle in Chapter 17, but that goes without saying since its sooner afterwards than what's going on in this Chapter.

In the meantime, a nicely handled Chapter... has some problems, but considering the material you're handling here and the fact emotional portrayal is one of the weaknesses of your story's writing style, I'd say its a very laudable initial effort. Revise when you feel like it and keep on improving, and I'm sure the next few critical Chapters should be much better than this even they still have room for improvement, the next still even better, and so on.

As for your Notes... Thanks for the correction about the SEED Factor, I'll take your word for it until I check back somewhere. Right now I'll guess my memory was faulty.

The Zero System... I don't know that much about GUNDAM WING either (I've seen one Episode at my cousin's request and heard a lot of things), but I always assumed the Zero System operated on mystical elements which well surpass the Kira/Mu/Rau "sixth sense" and the Flay ghost and wouldn't fit in GUNDAM SEED anyway. (And yes, Kira did sense Rau far away once... at the beginning of Phase 50 when Rau was nearing the Archangel.) If it actually did operate with the "computer prediction" thing that you're using, I'm liable to level a criticism at the GUNDAM WING writers. Its simple common sense no ammount of programming can ever compensate for human unpredictability because its programming which means its *set* and the human mind is conscious and self-sufficient, unlimited, and most importantly not set and given parameters, no matter how brilliant, and thus can think better and in ways no programming, no matter how complex and adaptable, can reach. If you have programming equal to what the human mind can do you have an Artificial Intelligence. No matter how good the Zero System is at predicting most maneuvers something could do (especially drones), by simple common sense there'd have to be some types of tricks it can pull the Zero System wouldn't expect and might even give the pilot the wrong advice about, thinking the maneuver is something else. It might not happen often, but unless you want to make the thing an Artificial Intelligence (and even then it can't be completely perfect since the human mind isn't perfect) its unavoidable occasionally, especially when faced with an opponent with particular talent for innovation and outwitting.

Point taken on beam sabers and beam cannons, and as for Kira in Chapter 17... good to hear. Although if you actually *forgot* about him grieving badly about Tolle later you might also want to re-think the rest of your initial responses to my points about Kira now that you've been reminded of the Tolle stuff, just in case you decide to change your mind on some of the things you disagreed on. Although I'm not debating that any further; if you don't change your mind about those other things after all, I agree its a matter of opinion here and not objective characterization. Just mentioning this here since if you'd forgotten about the Tolle stuff, that may cast the earlier stuff in a different light.
i love athrun chapter 19 . 6/24/2005
IT IS GOOD BUT DO A NEW CHAPTER!
bloodyknight85 chapter 19 . 6/23/2005
'Fllay almost get killed... Under the bloodied hands of Kevin Onishi... Kira and Athrun meet for the first time before their fateful battle against each other... The game is on...'

Keep up the good work, dude... Update sooN!
i love athrun chapter 18 . 6/22/2005
IT IS GOOD BUT DO A NEW CHAPTER!
NukeDawg chapter 18 . 6/22/2005
Solid Great chapter as usual but I was also wondering if I could do the same as RVD to use Kevin in one of my own Gundam Storys which will be a crossover actually. The Crossover will be of Zone of the Enders (Which will contain a bionic super soldier) and Gundam Seed which I hope will have a good rival for her. So I hope I get a positive answer in this. Oh and I can't wait for you to update again
Shinji Ikari chapter 18 . 6/21/2005
You missed Phase 27? There's only two things important going on that I recall there. There's a bit of Athrun sneaking in early and it ends with Kira reuniting with Cagalli and hearing about the Astrays he's to help with. There may be other stuff going on I forget, but the majority (and what earned the Phase the title "Endless Rondo,") involves Erica performing some in-depth analysis about Kira's battle tactics and what makes him even more advanced than other Coordinators. This analysis ends with, finally, the show's only explanation as to the nature of what I call the "SEED Factor,"... "SEED" stands for "Superior Evolutionary Elite Destined." Anything else of particular significance in that I wouldn't be able to tell you right now, probably... I didn't start taping until Phase 30. But if you want to add anything to this from Kevin's part it should be simple enough to slip somewhere else before Orb is departed.

The Chapter itself was rather nice. Kevin surprised me by getting along more with the rookies than I expected. I was a bit worried you wouldn't give Kevin's G-Unit (apparently an M-Unit) an original name, but that was allayed, and I enjoyed the descriptions and explanations for its unique abilities. I'd heard of the Zero System before, but when Kevin did see those "alternate visions," for I moment I thought the thing could somehow see into the fifth dimension (my term for the all-times continuua collectivity in such stories as CHRONO CROSS). And one doesn't see brainwaves in much science fiction... nice. The only thing I'm skeptical about is the "beam sabers which are stronger than normal." I assume the specifications of that will be forthcoming the first time he uses them? I'd guess right now they're a hotter color or large like the Providence's.

Nothing wrong in this Chapter that I can see; my only issue would be with using "Zero System" instead of a more original name, but since you gave the M-Unit an original name its not grounds for objective criticism. Just subjective opinion, which of course means there's nothing in the Chapter to criticize. Maybe I'll think of something later, heh, but looks like you're in the clear here.

Caught the replacement for the reason for Kevin entering the battle later; good to see. Points taken about Athrun and I agree we merely have a difference of opinion with most issues regarding Kira, save two:

Firstly, part of the reason he was so haunted during his PLANT sojourn was due to Tolle's death as well as what happened with Athrun, as is made pretty evident, and those kinds of potent feelings are not ones easily discounted even if they turn out to be groundless, especially given how Kira's emotional state is gradually sliding. I'll agree to disagree it wouldn't have any major effect since Kevin turned out to be alive, but it would have had to have had at least *some* significant effect, if only of the small but significant type. Kira is by far not the type of person who could manage not to be shaken at all even if the grief is proved groundless.

Secondly, even if Kira wouldn't go SEED mode or go crazy like during the Athrun fight, his reaction to Kevin's apparent death as well as his thoughts and feelings when he's in the Strike cockpit are too important not to get into, given that they are close friends.

Point taken about Mu, and what I meant with the rushing thing was that you shouldn't rush to get the next Chapter out early to make up for it being short, since you seemed inclined to do so. Even if it was written up and just needed last edits, rushing anything out is a mistake, for whatever reason.

Lastly, I probably did misinterpret the previous Author's Notes. I assumed "upgrade to" meant "switch from a Gundam to a Gundam Complex." Too bad he's not getting one. Ah well, the Stormhawk's pretty formidable already and its strongly implied is almost the match of a nuclear-powered Gundam in speed and maneuverability and whatnot anyway. Has a couple of obvious weaknesses in the fact 1.) No computer, however advanced, can predict the tactics of a conscious being due to the fact programming cannot compensate for unpredictability and the adaptability of the human mind. But as you already stated, Kevin's aware the Zero System isn't perfect and 2.) Considering the light weight of the thing, Kevin's going to have some serious problems with recoil if he uses the beam cannons beyond power drain, but then they're already mentioned as weapons of last resort anyway. (Or is part of the reason for the gigantic energy drain in the first place due to the Phase Shift Armor working overtime to *prevent* that recoil?)

I'm inclined to wonder if the suit will eventually get an N-Jammer Canceller, but I doubt it, considering we all know absolutely no one, no matter how close they are to Kevin and how much they understand his motives, would give someone bent on vengeance and willing to use great kinds of power for aggression instead of defense that kind of technology. Although, then again, there's plenty of other ways he might end up with one without needing assistance from Kira, Lacus, or later on, Athrun, so, actually, I won't discount it after all.
DarkReader chapter 18 . 6/21/2005
Great Chapter as always. Ok for the web site it was't the offical site. The site I was referencing has mech profiles for EVERY Gundam seris created. The site again is if the web address doesn't appear again then type Mecha Anime HQ into the google. Well thats all for now. Keep up the Good Work.
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