|Reviews for Brothers in Arms|
| Infinite Freedom chapter 5 . 7/29/2005
Why does Kevin keep saying French words?
| Julius Faust chapter 36 . 7/27/2005
Hello, Solid Shark. I'm one of the readers of your story, and, while I have forgotten precisely when I began reading your story, I know I have been reading it for quite some time, and have a few things that I would like to mention, hence my review.
First: I didn't notice ANY of the changes you made towards Kevin's origins, really, just thought they were meant to be surprises from the start.
Second: About your sequel, "Brothers in Arms: A Call To Arms"...You do realize that, as of either yesterday or Monday, there has been forty episodes of Gundam SEED Destiny released online for download, don't you? I can refer you to one of the locations you can download it, if you wish. One more thing, though, if you do choose to download the episodes, they are in a torrent format, which means, if you don't know this already, that from the site I give you, you would download a tiny .torrent file, then have to use a torrent-download program-such as Bittorrent, or Bitlord, among several others-to actually receive the episode, then you can watch it on winamp, or Windows Media Player, or whatever program you use.
Third: This is an exceptional story, I must say I'll miss the mostly daily updates, and can't wait for the sequel to be released. A fine job, I must say!
That is all. I may think of more later, but then again, it doesn't matter, someone else may have already answered that question...For that matter, someone else may have already referred you to where you can download Gundam SEED Destiny...Which, if you wish to know, can be found at:
.com . You will have to use its search engine at the top to torrent search Gundam SEED Destiny. If you need to find Bittorrent, or Bitlord, the site will show you where to go.
| i love athrun chapter 36 . 7/27/2005
it was so good and you will make a sequal right
| arekuruu-inabikari-no-She chapter 36 . 7/27/2005
whoa and I thought that Chapt. 35 was the last chapter but I'm not complaining, its good to see that you tied up some loose ends. Yes you are right about Yuuna, I hate the lil coward's guts but he does gets whathe deserves in Ep. 40 of Gundam Seed Destiny ( yes you're way far behind)
As for the spelling for his name, the fan subs I've downloaded showed different spellings for each one but 'Yuuna' was the one I saw the most. That's what I was probably looking at at MAHQ but it does look better than Wing Zero. Although I was a bit surprised that you used Artemis as his new base even though it'll be the Junk Guild's new base in GS Astray but it is your story and it does fit later on for the sequel.
Also if you want to get some ideas for GSD go to and check out the info there. Till next time!
| Deathzealot chapter 36 . 7/27/2005
This is very good I eagerly await the next installment Solid Shark... by the way I figured I knew you from somewhere but I finally managed to figure it out your the Writer of the Diamond Dragoon Saga in the LOD section right... anyways about the AA MS thing I have already gotten over it... I wish you at least managed to have a few Daggers live like those pilot you introduce... it kinda sucks when you introduce a charcter and only kill him/her moments later... anyways can't wait for the next story... keep it coming...
| Ominae chapter 36 . 7/27/2005
(Puts clenched hand in open palm!)
Very interesting! Will be looking forward to it.
And yes, I loathe Kevin/Murrue, so don't ask why!
PS - Just to let you know that Area 88 section is already on Fanfiction. Had liberty of doing first story.
| Shinji Ikari chapter 36 . 7/26/2005
Actually, the words in my first paragraph are nine-tenths typo, because I know I *thought* I typed Kira does not kill any mobile suit pilot in the Freedom. (That's certainly what I meant.) Obviously, I just made one the most embarrassing typos of my life. But if I can be that stupid I suppose I deserve everyone who will laugh at me after reading your rebuttal... feel free to do so yourself. Sorry if this is one indication of what "drove you up the wall," feel free to continue to criticize this if you feel like it in the Author's Notes of the side stories. And yes, I know he cuts the Agamemnon-class in half, I said "mobile suit pilots." As for him actually stabbing into the cockpit and missing... I'm pretty sure he missed on purpose and just intended to disable the controls. He's focused so acutely on the battle at that point he definitely has the skill to nail the controls while still miss Rau even with a gigantic double beam saber. More to the point, it would be extremely out of character for Kira to kill a mobile suit pilot when he hasn't killed a single pilot in the entirety of the time he piloted the Freedom Gundam Complex. Heck, he had the opportunity to kill Orga in Phase 46 but just settled for disabling his guns, and he knew how dangerous and insane Orga was by then and how much damage Orga could do if left alive. And when fighting Calamity in Phase 49 his METEOR beam saber, unlike Athrun, was aimed just to disable the suit... if he wouldn't kill him he wouldn't kill Rau. If this were Athrun I'd agree, due to what he did to Orga... but not Kira. He hasn't killed a single pilot since he boarded the Freedom and he's not going to start now. Hence him slaying Rau is extremely out-of-character, so please edit. (I'll concede him shouting, "Die!" as a battlecry.) If you still disagree, even though I highly doubt you have any plans to respond to Reviews here - perhaps I'm wrong -please at least tell me why about this one in the side story... if you don't still disagree, never mind. However, there's one other thing though... two questions I particularly would like answered since I get the feeling it may not be intended to be obscure which I'll get to later, so I'd appreciate it if you'd do that quickly when you Post the first side story. (Oh, and before getting into anything else, to address XENO... I never said the two were connected that I recall - I might be wrong but I'm not risking looking back at the Review right now - and I'm 50/50 as to whether they are/aren't. However, I myself wish people would stop insisting copyright issues prevent Monolith from connecting to Xenogears with Xenosaga if they wish. I don't feel like getting into why in detail here, so all I'll say really quickly here is the supposed "copyright impediment issue" is a popular misconception... Square doesn't mind, if they did they'd have sued Monolith for Abel in Episode 1 and Nephilim. I could give further detail, back this up with evidence and true, non-rumor sources if I felt like it, but like I said, I don't want to get into this right now, it would take a while. That's all I have to say about this.)
Onto everything else. The Zero System entry, although not as thorough as other ones... unnecessary, since you gave the explanation elsewhere, amused me about "show the path to defeat." I assume that's because if the pilot's thinking negatively, the computer will interpret the brainwaves to mean that the pilot wants to learn how to *lose*? (That's Question One I'm looking for an answer to.) I'll have to look back to see if this "Project Prometheus Unbound" was named as the Stormhawk Project.
Invictus' armor's ability to block "psycho resonance" (interesting term, I assume that's also something you intend to apply to the Mu/Rau/Kira stuff) is due to hybrid metal... ah well, since GUNDAM itself used the excuse of "hybrid materials" I suppose that works for you.
As for point one in the notes... Too bad nothing on the energy shielding stuff... ah well, maybe one will be lucky and you'll think of something by Chapter 33. Actually, poking around at the new Site you mentioned, and thank you very much for the Link, it seems there's a Gundam which is going to show up in the third ASTRAY series which has a small Artemis-style Umbrella... yiy. Yep, anything mecha that's SEED and non-DESTINY related I don't consider a spoiler, although I do avoid most pilot history stuff. I'm also interested to see more of Azrael's Biological quacks versus the Astray crew and company, because according to looking at the mecha specs, it seems he has a total of five spares... although I only know one is piloted by one of his people, which I've already met briefly in ASTRAY Volume 3. You really need to get ASTRAY at some point... I'm sure you can create all sorts of situations concerning how Kevin feels about one of Orb's five noble families having dealings with Blue Cosmos... and what he decides to do about it. Since it looks like all the big Blue Cosmos/Orb stuff will be in GUNDAM SEED ASTRAY X and it looks like that's set during those two months between Mendel and Boaz/Jachin Due, you should have plenty time once GUNDAM SEED ASTRAY X is released for fun... or you could significantly tweak things due to Lowe not getting certain wake-up calls during the Artemis mess and have the whole ASTRAY develop differently so a lot of/all of the Blue Cosmos/Orb stuff takes place during the two months or even between this and DESTINY. Something to think about. And, um, didn't I say something about stopping rambling? Ah well, this one has a good point to it.
Vengeance thing and Tolle... points taken and what may or may not be added with Tolle is eagerly awaited.
As for Flay... yes, I know its your decision. Its my job to advise too. Reconstructed Stormhawk... forgot about the modificiations mention. Apparently the same thing seems to be the case with the bomb... *grumble.* I'm losing my touch.
Dominion and Caligula... makes sense, points taken. Point taken about the Berserker, and yes, I'd recommend adding something about the count down... it really makes no sense for it to happen out of nowhere.
However, yes, realism is important. Changing things for the sake of story works, within limits, but deux ex machinas at critical moments like this especially aren't. Its the same argument with Kevin missing Rau, only this time even more critical since its at the climax. If you're showing Kevin being fallible, that's good to see indeed, yes, so keep that part, but the actual reason no shot hit should be changed (or a couple should hit, since they wouldn't do more than annoy him).
I didn't mention Murrue because they were shown in the series and I figured you were going for just focusing on new stuff at this point. Point taken about Kira too and everything else.
And no, I never expected the Zero System to be able to keep up with all the turrets on the funnels, but I did expect Kevin to at least be able to do better. Oracle... point also taken, and I know about Yuna a little so that's wasn't much of a big deal seeing, since I already did know. Astray on the other hand... judging by your mention of Gai Murakumo, I'm pretty sure you've read one of the Volumes by now. I was glad to see him mentioned too... considering Serpent Tail's reputation, I'm pretty sure I can expect to find in A CALL TO ARMS that Murakumo has been repeatedly making Carter's life miserable over the space of the next two years. And thanks for the compliments, and yes I'll be around for A CALL TO ARMS. In fact, I can say something right now... I recommend either 1.) Being very careful not to have Kevin and company much in the know about the beginnings of certain DESTINY events and to be much more limited to guesswork and whatnot, otherwise if you Post as Episodes are released you run into continuity error problems or 2.) If you want them more in the know, focusing on other Fanfictions (such as the one involving Mu and Rau and your new characters) and waiting until you see the entire series to know what's going on, otherwise there may be certain shady backstory you're unaware of and run into continuity errors.
Now then, to the actual Chapter. Oh, right, noticed you made some of those edits to Chapter 32 and Chapter 33 mentioned before... nothing more to say, done well (and in at least one case, possibly pretty innovative compared to what I might've expected). I await the others... especially the ones involving Flay.
I was afraid you'd integrate the After-Phase and I'd have to avoid part of the Epilogue, although on second thought, I remembered you mentioning earlier you don't have access to fansubs (yep, getting sloppy these days). I can say overall right now the interaction in this Chapter was some of the best written, with one notable exception I'll mention right now. That being... where oh where would the much-awaited Kira/Flay talk be? That really doesn't fit in a side-story, considering how central that type of thing is to the overall series, so I recommend at some point inserting them having their little talk into this Epilogue or early Chapter 34 (wherever its supposed to have happened).
I was disappointed (not a criticism, this is subjective commentary) Kira and Lacus didn't have more of a presence in the finale (although Lacus' optimistic line about those who have survived was a nice touch for what little roll she had), and her tucking her arm through Kira as she talks about her plans for the future... certainly the way I see those two interacting at this point. Small and minute but deserves applause simply because their relationship is difficult to capture the feel of in the first place. Granted, not the most challenging thing to write, but anything done well involving their relationship deserves applause. *Glares at certain Fanfictions in the archive which insist on stereotyping their relationship as a particularly unbelievable high school type.* And although I doubt you said it for the same reasons it means so much to me, having Kira talk the way he does about *rest* I found a particularly moving line.
Stuff I liked the most in the party... Natarle's realization Kevin and John each represented on the outside what the other was on the inside (the hint at a possible relationship between the two was effectively delivered as a surprise, and its great to see something stun Kevin)... and that little "I hope" when thinking Kevin wouldn't take a life without reason... hehheh, great. There'd also be the little slip in about Sai's current relationship with Flay and whatnot, the return of Mu/Kevin banter, and the Castile/Yuna/Orb's successors stuff. Oh, and Kevin's feeling if he hadn't taken the Dominion Mu would've been vaped.
Everything else I liked, but not as much. Remarks on that... Having Kira know how to dance and the Athrun/Astray pilots Kevin comparison were pretty innovative and added to the liveliness and reality of the gathering. And the plot point of Kevin now trying to hide "Walker" was unexpected... too bad that impairs his ability to fight news reporters. And I mayaswell remark on this now, but I crack up later about what he did to his stalkers involving a bridge and river. (Although I have a slightly hard time believing they'd use the term "superweapon" instead of "weapon of mass destruction" or its acronym... Kevin using "superweapon" is one thing, reporters, even quack ones, make me a little iffy, perhaps.) To hazard a guess as to why he doesn't want to claim his real name, I guess it'd be to avoid publicity from both Orb *and* the PLANTs. (Oh, forgot in Chapter 34... Kevin kicking Shani in the back and remarking, "Oh, shut *up*!" after his "pretty lights" comment was appropriately bigtime crack-up worthy... the "pretty lights" remark is just asking for a rejoinder.)
And I wish you'd stuck longer with the Rachel discussion into actually talking somewhat about her personality (I want to know more about her too), but ah well. Good way to leave the party stuff anyway.
Then comes Artemis... so that's your intention. I'm surprised the Justice would've been offered for scrap before it was appropriated, and to see nanotechnology used for treatment (I wonder if they're going to stick around and give the machines abilities similar to the Dark Gundam of G GUNDAM I've read/heard a lot about... and I will forever maintain the Providence Gundam Complex will own it any day, I don't care *how* many weapons the thing can produce or *how* much it can terraform). Kevin's reasons for not telling Cagalli his plans and his analysis of the peace treaty gave a level of depth to this scene that somewhat caught me off guard, and they alone make what's happening memorable. Why do I have a feeling this is going to lead to some tough times ahead during DESTINY? And Erica and Natarle as two of the four main commanders... good thing Natarle's changed, because from what I've seen of Erica's more kidding nature in ASTRAY, she'd be apt to really get on Natarle's nerves. However, about the peace process itself, something to note is that with Flay alive and with the influence she'd be able to have (and would likely make use of as part of her atonement. She's certainly shown she knows how to participate in that kind of talk as made evident in Phase 12, even if her motives for joining were somewhat not what she claimed. If she actually doesn't exercise her influence please provide a good reason early in the sequel when discussing the political situation.) as the daughter of George Allster, the political/peace situation would likely be a good deal different at the beginning of GUNDAM SEED DESTINY in your story.
Now Carter... how he started his "organization" and operation, how he reconciles his little clone brigade with wanting to be the one and only, et cetera... hooray to finally find out indeed. I was definitely surprised to find Carter actually isn't a sociopath, just ruthless when it comes to Kevin... if he's a decent person just like Kevin and John, this certainly (and as no doubt intended) adds more to their dilemma. Hopefully by the end of the next story for once we'll see Kevin actually reconcile his differences with someone, and vice versa... doubtful, in which case I expect a moving tragedy. As mentioned a little before, also enjoyed the Gai Murakumo reference a good deal.
And here comes Question Two I'd like you to answer: Is Sarnac the only one who has a major chip on his shoulder about ZAFT, or did he also mention "And ZAFT" because Carter does too? And if you meant Carter does too (although I doubt it), is this supposed to be another thing that isn't supposed to be subtle, and the reader is supposed to realize he loathes ZAFT the same reason Kevin does (because he was meant to be their weapon of war)?
Having Jonathan linked to Jachin Due and the Dagger pilots was another unexpected nice touch, and to give you another reason to laugh at me, I actually thought the person being resuscitated was Rau of all people in spite of the fact the Providence was entirely vaporized. So its the guy from way back and he'll be taking on a major role... cool.
As for the ending... Kevin's keeping more secrets from Cagalli and still fighting... yep, this sounds like things are about to get interesting. However, I fail to understand why Athrun is also a bodyguard for Cagalli considering they're only good friends... why isn't he with Kira? This really needs an explanation. The final part of the ending with Kevin's thoughts towards Cagalli was touching and appropriately done for an ending. See you at the side stories. (Perhaps. I Review stories not on quality but based on whether they're fun for me to do or feel too much like work - although I may make an occasional exception with one in serious need of criticism where it looks like the author might actually try to improve - and there are few stories that I Review consistently. And while I'm pretty sure the actual sequel will be as fun to Review as this one is since its a full-fledged story, I'm not sure how the one shots will be, so I may not Review as often there, if at all. I'll certainly read it, though, of course - and hope you're willing to give those two/three answers in the Author's Notes.) I look forward to the story about Mu and Rau and company and all the more major changes you say will be in that as well!
| Centurious The Azure chapter 35 . 7/25/2005
Bravo! You have out done yourself once again my friend an excellent end to an excellent story. I enjoyed every second of your story especially when Kevin killed those two bastards Azrael and Patrick. I look forward to any and all works you produce in the future. I hope you got my e-mail and I also hope you say yes to letting me use Kevin.
| Katana chapter 35 . 7/25/2005
The reason I mentioned the Wing Gundam Early Type to you was because I though it would be much better to use because:
1, Wing Gundam Early Type's wings simple design is more realistic than Wing Zero's angel wings.
2, the ability to transform into a fighter is a
fundamental aspect of Stormhawk's frame. It would not just go away. The Wing Zero Custom can't transform, but the Wing Gundam Early Type can.
3, The decorative claws on the arms for bird mode could be made longer, and be able to flip over the hands. This would mimic Kevin's claws. Make the buster rifle a super sized version of Kevin's plasma gun. Put on some beam pistols (or normal pistols). Then, maybe, some knives in the hips and legs. With the beam saber in the shield, Wing Gundam would have all the weapons that kevin would normally carry. When kevin used the neural link, the Wing Gundam would be like a giant Kevin.
4, I collect gundam action figures. Even though it never made an appearance, there was a Wing Gundam Early Type action figure. The action figure is very cool and I would love to see (or read)it in action.
| White Shadow chapter 35 . 7/25/2005
Yo man. I'v been following since the beginning but was too lazy to comment after reading long ass reviews by others. _'
I absolutely love this story and you just made G-SEED hundred times better than the original.
I'll be looking forward for the sequel (will it be a GSD AU?)
| Storm Wolf77415 chapter 35 . 7/25/2005
That was incredible man! But I have a question. I searched for the Wing Gundam Early Type at MAHQ but couldn't find it, could you point in the right direction?
| Shinji Ikari chapter 35 . 7/25/2005
*Grumbles something.* Not annoyed with you, but this has now turned into my personal pet peeve with GUNDAM SEED Fanfiction, so allow me the moment to briefly slightly rant due to exasperation. Kira did *not* slay Rau at the end of Freedom versus Providence... I've seen the Episode twice on tape and a lot more times on the DVD (unarguably uncut version), and Rau is only *jolted* by the beam swallow critcally disabling the mecha. Rau lives for GENESIS to consume him. Kira has never killed a single enemy in a mobile suit pilot, including Rau Le Creuset, end of story. Thank you. *Bows.* (That said, please edit that part. Kira's two, "Die!" lines are also out-of-character... actually, he wouldn't use a battle cry like that post-Phase 30 even if he *did* slay Le Creuset... its not someone who doesn't like killing would say. And since he didn't slay Rau when Rau massacred Flay, I shouldn't need to argue why its out-of-character for him to do so in this Fanfiction just in case it isn't faulty memory. Regardless, please edit.) *Mutters a few things about Third Armaments and what I'd like to do to writers about this.*
Now then... way too much to comment on individually in this Chapter, so when I get to the Chapter I'll focus on specific things. In regards to the Glossary, its amusing to find you put in the two entries involving the first two in my list I mentioned remaining. Heh. (For story consistency when you do your edits you might want to go back and add one Glossary Entry or two to the deprived Chapter 33). Your description of the failed attempt to trap Kevin and its unfortunate (or fortunate, considering Blue Cosmos' attitude) was amusing... and as an added bonus, while I certainly didn't want to find out about the Forbidden's shielding on the official Site, I don't mind hearing it in Fanfiction. So Colloid is a gas... new Glossary entry for Chapter 33, the next Chapter, or the Epilogue (assuming you have enough left after Chapter 36 if you stick one or two in Chapter 33 after all, although story structure might best be served if you keep them out of the Epilogue and only in those two Chapters, if not just Chapter 36... or maybe it doesn't matter... *shrug*... hardly important to focus on), by the way. How would one produce an energy field in GUNDAM SEED? I assume you can make it at least somewhat original as opposed to the the usual science fiction?
Author's notes... Chapter titles and Hyper-Jammers... oh, I noticed it was someone else's, the compliment for the Hyper-Jammers explanation was meant to be general. Sorry for being unclear. Steiglitz... will await, but while that explanation will work as a one-shot certain others would be a different story. Will look for edits tomorrow for everything save the indefinite tweaks to early Chapters (don't forget the post-father confrontation scene needs to be addressed too).
Zala... yes, revenge is illogical, but since, according to Chapter 32, Le Creuset gave Oracle the general idea for using his science to create ABADON (you never mentioned him bringing Oracle to Zala's attention anywhere, by the way... that should also be slipped into Chapter 32 somewhere in a way fitting of Rau's mannerisms/wording/et cetera). That makes him far more responsible than even Zala in my mind (or did Rau say he recommended to Oracle what the man could use his science for at all? I just looked back and he seems to be saying that pretty clearly)... and you have a plot inconsistency with Athrun's thoughts after Zala gets vaped, by the way, which I mayaswell bring up now. In their little talk Patrick told Athrun he was under the impression ABADON was volunteer; he knew nothing of Kevin's kidnapping. However, I see your point about Rau having little to do with the Project after giving Oracle and Zala the general idea and Kevin being upset Zala didn't know what was going on. And yes, mostly revenge isn't ever logical, but one would think Kevin would have a major problem with Rau being the one who gave Oracle the general idea.
Tolle... I suggest adding these little snippets in here and there in the Chapters. Not tomorrow, of course, but sometime in the indefinite future. Stuff like Tolle's feelings the first time he takes a life are too important not to show. Carpentaria... well, the troops remaining on Carpentaria could've been what was *meant* (at least in part) by their own troops being in the line of fire. Although I'll agree the people at Carpentaria might've evacuated during the period after it became apparent ZAFT was going to use GENESIS.
Flay... trust me, never ever listen to the opinion of general Reviewers when it comes to a romance pairing... there's a difference between writing a good story and a popular story; quality and popularity don't always intersect. Have you played the precursor to XENOSAGA, XENOGEARS, for instance? Unbelievable story, way better than XENOSAGA, rather unpopular. I could give tons of other examples. Write what's right when it comes to characterization and character development, not what the average person wants... if they offer up properly thought-out counterarguments for or against, of course, that's a different matter.
Carter... good to know. Boaz... I was under the impression no one knew about the attack until it started so there was no time to do anything, but I see your point. A massive fleet movement would've been hard to ignore. "Beginner" and "amateur" were used interchangeably by me... I don't believe either in any case, though, so its kind of moot. Jachin, point taken.
Wing Zero designs... this is a different matter than Flay since there's nothing objective here. You've already established a lot of originality... my vote would go for a hybrid of the two designs (more for uniqueness than impression of the appearance of the Gundams). And Quick Edit... well, I didn't notice anything big, although certain people maintaining this Site need to learn to not make their coding sloppy.
Now, this Chapter... I'll start out with the list of criticisms again.
1.) Since it becomes apparent later in the Chapter that you didn't change any plans for Kevin due to my "nuclear bomb in the engine" idea during Kevin's argument against Athrun setting the Justice to self-destruct, there needs to be an explanation as to why there's a bomb inside the Stormhawk when Kevin first brings it up.
2.) The resolution Dominion versus Caligula is an impossibility. You forgot about alert warnings for when an enemy ship puts your ship in a target lock... Caligula would've been opening fire on the Dominion and trying to move out of range of some of the turrets targeting them as Kevin finished his speech, and if Natarle didn't turn with them they'd have been able to move away from a couple of the weapons. Secondly, considering all weapons were aimed at the Caligula, Azrael's ship could've very easily launched a full-scale barrage on the Dominion while Kevin was finishing his speech and destroyed not only a few of the turrets being aimed at them (given laminated armor) but definitely their bridge unless Natarle kept moving to prevent them from targeting her. Azrael may not know how to fight a battle, but Sutherland is military and even if there were evidence *he* is stupid he'd have enough basic military know-how to know he needs to launch a preemptive strike before Kevin finishes his speech or they're history. Heck, I'm pretty sure Sutherland would possibly be smart enough even as Kevin begins the speech to take evasive action while firing on the Domionion. (He certainly would have by the end if Kevin had waited until the very end of the speech to have the weapons lock on, although most of the speech is enough for me to buy Sutherland waiting to hear what Kevin has to say.) Hence, the final part of that faceoff needs some changes... I also find myself a bit hard-pressed to believe Kevin would target *every* single weapon, including defense missiles and anti-beam depth charges, and leave the bridge open because he wants to finish telling Azrael off.
3.) Kira's Berserker mode had worn off by the time he got involved in the Rau fight in the anime (actually, that's one of the few things I forget in the anime? Did he even go Berserker in the final battle before Flay got shot? If he didn't, ignore this criticism), and you gave no indication blowing up the nukes happened any faster in this story. Hence, you need to give him a reason to go back into it at the beginning of the Rau fight.
3.) Kevin versus Patrick has a number more problems. First, a major overall plot continuity error. Patrick didn't active the Jachin Due self-destruct until he went to the console after shooting the technician. Had Kevin barged in before he shot the tech and gone to the keyboard at the console there would've been no need for him to blow up to stop GENESIS. One can argue that he set it earlier, but he had no need since he fully expected GENESIS to be fired normally that last time until people started objecting. There's no reason Kevin getting through the door as Patrick programs the self-destruct right before the other guy shoots him would mean they couldn't have their last exchange... I'm pretty sure the technician wouldn't bother to fire if he sees others are about to handle the situation, or you could just have Kevin notice the dying tech raising the gun and assure him he'll handle Zala. Secondly, the confrontation itself is a bit hard to swallow. Patrick was the Commander of ZAFT from the very beginning, even before the Bloody Valentine. You don't reach that position without being smart, especially not if you're a Coordinator too. Wouldn't Zala know about the Electromagnetic Field? (And by the way, considering this is his final big personal face-off, having the field work perfectly is *way* too convenient, and I can't believe Kevin would chance it in the first place with so much at stake - if a shot gets through, for all he knows he's history - and when he doesn't have to since he's only facing one person who is an officer and not even a soldier and he can disarm him easily. A single above average skilled Natural soldier could've probably disarmed him in duel... a rookie Coordinator almost certainly. Why would an ultimate Coordinator enhanced into a Destroyer stand there and take the risk?) Back to the main point... would Zala just blindly fire away? You've given no indication that he knows the Electromagnetic Field is fluctuating and he's trying to overwhelm it, wouldn't he try one of several more subtle options, anything from trying to take him off guard by charging and trying to fire point-blank where he can be damaged (if I remember correctly you said if you get right up to him he'll get hit) or attempting to cause a console near him or explode to trying to destroy the front of each gun so it can't fire as he holds it out (or would the Electromagnetic Field extend to the tip of each gun Kevin's holding)? Et cetera? And for that matter wouldn't he *have* an EMP of some form or other with him since he's known for over two months he may have to come face to face with a Destroyer?
4.) You had Yzak losing his shield versus the Forbidden, yet you mentioned him using it to block the Raider's blast.
5.) When GENESIS goes boom, Flay and Tolle deserve a brief pan, the former in regards to showing her reaction that Kira might've been caught in the detonation and the later for both Kira and Kevin (and why didn't Tolle do *anything* in this final battle at all?)
7.) Flay may not have perished in the battle and Kira may be bearing up while floating in space, but there's no way he'd be unable to keep tears at least from *brimming* with Kevin's apparent loss, even if he holds them back like in certain battle situations as he floats in space after Kevin's demise.
Compliments... hoo boy, where to begin? There's so much notable... short remarks first. Changes in the Providence/Freedom battle were done decently... I noticed you kept things a lot more up-close and involving beam sabers in the latter portion of the battle than in the anime. The way you tweaked their discussion for the most part covered a decent deal of the important points, although I'm curious as to why, if you kept the, "This world is still worth protecting!" in some form you removed the, "So what!" beforehand. Especially since the line didn't really seem to follow from Rau's remark about how people can only understand what they know... although I realize that may be the point, that Kira's past even deigning Rau's remarks with a response in your version of events, so he gives a general refutal and ends the fight. Depending on your intentions, you might want to slightly tweak the dialogue here to give Kira a better lead into, "This world still needs protecting!" even if its not, "So what!"
Overall alterations in battle were done well, and having one of the ships take a hit from GENESIS and survive was great. I applauded adding a name to the Strike Dagger pilot caught even if he was given no more personality; still feels as if he's known more by the reader. Minor changes in character interaction and lines elsewhere done fine, and, more notable but still easy to say, you integrated the minor characters pretty well. Overall you were able to capture the feel of a gigantic battle pretty nicely, although I noticed there was less of sense of "desperate struggle" and more of a sense of "plan, innovate, plan, and we're getting this done." I don't know if that's intentional, but the lack of the feel of "desperate struggle" certainly didn't damage what was going on, and the concept of the incredible odds wasn't gone entirely.
And yes, the way you handled the three remaining Dagger pilots was done pretty darned nicely and achieved its desired effect; the later prose when Kevin got mad and the descriptive language is some of the best I can remember in the story. Some of the Astrays weren't destroyed this time, so that means one or more of the three girls focused on are still alive, possibly... I'll have to see how that unfolds.
My favorite part is probably the brief Stormhawk versus Providence, though; more cool Rau/Kevin exchanges, however brief, written in a well-done way befitting Rau's mannerisms, and hey, Kevin managed to get one of the funnels. Although I'd expected him to do a *somewhat* better job versus Rau due to having the Zero System... fun seeing the Stormhawk get slaughtered regardless.
Emotion-wise and with the related, you did a great job all throughout (save for the Kira holding back tears thing). I found how Kira was the one holding Cagalli after he boarded the Strike Rouge a nice reversal of Cagalli and Athrun floating towards a heartsick Kira at the end of Phase 50, as well as touching in and of itself (due to lack of Kira/Cagalli interaction much at this point in the anime). I found it interesting Kira did reassure Lacus he'd return, and how you handled his reaction to the, "Come back to me!" as his initial awareness Lacus is in love with him. The actual spoken dialogue and emotions inherent in Kevin and Natarle versus Azrael and Sutherland as well as Kevin versus Patrick were done well even if the execution of each leaves something to be desired, and Athrun's thoughts about his father were great (at least he got spared Patrick's parting words).
Having Eileen Canaver be the first of the official characters to greet Kevin upon his new resurrection was a neat twist, and the description of him waking from his dream and returning from an afterlife was nicely mystical and dreamy (and so Kevin genuinely doesn't remember what the afterlife is like). Description of how Eileen and Devlin watched the nanomachines heal him was well done. I must admit, however, I assumed the "most of the nanomachines got trashed" was supposed to be your 'Kevin doesn't know how he survived' explanation. But then you actually did get into a complete one at the end and made it like a monologue... pretty cool. And I think it does fit him surviving the fusion blast; at the best I've seen nanites used in science fiction, the only damage it can't repair is if you decompose their atomic structure; anything less they can heal. I highly doubt Kevin's nanites could heal *that* much, but from what I've seen nanomachines do, this isn't really that much of a stretch... especially with Fate balancing out the odds. Also clever integration of foreshadowing Kevin's self-sacrifical attitude (someone needs to hit him with the line Cagalli gave Athrun at some point; this is me being wry, not a criticism).
Since Artemis didn't come up yet, I'm pretty sure Carter turned it into his base of operations. And on the lines of crazy scientific endeavors, I think the "superior race leading others into the new world" is underused if you just dismiss it as Oracle thinking of himself as a Hitler. Such a theme could fit in quite nicely with GUNDAM SEED... Zala's own perspective on Coordinators is somewhat close to old German Aryan philosophies anyway. If you get into Oracle anymore you might want to consider having the only thing insane about Oracle being he thinks he's actually the *reincarnation* of Hitler... anything else I can see as a plausible Coordinator belief. Not even a recommendation this time (I can't really recommend when it comes to your characters anyway, of course), just an idea for you to mull over. At least his Neitzchen "lead everyone into the new age" finally explains his code name. (Is this guy ever going to get his real name mentioned anywhere, since by now you've given a real name to all the Destroyers?)
The last things I can think of to remark on now would first be Kevin's dream... didn't expect to find out the real reason Oracle was bothering him beforehand. And it was really pleasant to see Kira comfort Kevin during his biggest pre-battle misgivings instead of Cagalli stumbling upon him having trouble sleeping or any other cliche. Although I like Kira talking with Kevin not just due to the cliche breaking, but also because of how it gave them a great touching moment as brothers again when they hadn't had any in a while... especially considering Kira woke Kevin *up* from the dream (and considering the dream followed by Kira talk is easily the most in-depth characterized pre-final battle scene, it might perhaps have a feel of bringing the Kira/Kevin brothers aspect so present in the title to the central focus at a fitting point). Then the reunion right before the narration monologue... Murrue's ending to her little eulogy was fittingly clever and funny, and the end with the reunion (hooray for more Kira comforting Cagalli briefly too!) besides being a nice finish for the Chapter - and I actually wasn't sure if it would turn out to be the end to the Fanfiction after all (if not for the lack of the Artemis thing you said would be important, I might have particularly wondered) - I'll also say that Cagalli's tackle-hug was fittingly reminiscent of the Chapter 17 edit; the similarities certainly added to the enjoyment. I almost expected someone to briefly remember/remark on it, but seems not. *Shrug.*
| ZZGUNDAM chapter 35 . 7/24/2005
When you do the sequal, could you not go with popular belief that Shinn is evil, madman, only wants revenge etc..
| Ominae chapter 35 . 7/24/2005
Good chapter on Kevin. Lived on to fight for another day!
| NukeDawg chapter 35 . 7/24/2005
That was greatly amazing and has somehow connected to mine *snickers* I can't wait till your destiny version of this.
From you last review on mine I didn't understand what the question "are you ever going to explain just where Snake was in ther interrim?" mean I don't got a clue if you send it in a review so I know what it is it be very much appreciated.
Thanks of such a great story to read and inspiration for my own sincerly ~NukeDawg~