|Reviews for Ride Away|
| The Duelist's Heiress chapter 2 . 7/9/2008
I really like this. I do hope you decide to continue this. You capture a post-Battle City Marik really well.
| omasuoniwabanshi chapter 2 . 10/29/2005
Marik's feelings of guilt and unworthiness were very well done. You're insight, and treatment of Marik's emotions was believable and extremely moving.
Once again, I'm loving your writing still, but PLEASE get a beta reader. The mechanical errors always come as such a shock when they appear in your writing because the rest of it - plot, characters, emotional conflict, etc. - is just so dang GOOD. Grab someone, a parent, teacher, the person in your English class who always gets 'A's on their essays, and ask them to proof read your work.
Your story has so much going for it. The way Marik allows his past to haunt him, and the psychological problems it's causing (not to mention the way it's affecting his relationship with his sister and Yugi and Co. at school) makes for a really gripping plotline. I love the way you keep bringing out the master/servant realtionship and how it chafes at Marik, tormenting him. It's a wonderful way of generating sympathy for the character and showing the horrible effects of slavery from ancient times.
I'm definitely putting this on story alert. I can't wait to find out what's going to happen to Marik next.
| WallofIllusion chapter 2 . 6/26/2005
Aah! Aah! There's going to be more of this, right? I like it! It's very powerful. Poor Malik has too many painful things going on in his head T_T.
| Kim Okita chapter 2 . 5/12/2005
| Trixie21 chapter 2 . 5/12/2005
Oh, poor Marik. Please tell me some good comes his way eventually. I'm all for a little suffering and revelations, especially after all the stuff he pulled, but even the worst of men can change. Even Marik - and he did - when he finally took back all the control from that dark personality.
Anyway, keep it up. This is so well done it would be ashame to drop.
aka: Yugi-Fan-Supreme (with extra nuts please!)
| Trixie21 chapter 1 . 5/12/2005
Great start to what could be a great story of realization and healing. Keep going with this. It could be a serious favorite.
aka: Yugi-Fan-Supreme (with extra nuts please!)
| Caorann fridh Bronach chapter 2 . 5/12/2005
Yay, I love being thanked! Again, my pleasure. has the problem of making it difficult to see spaces, I know, so there are some missing on here, as well. Just a reread could help, I’m sure. Otherwise, still looks great!
When Ishizu awakens Marik, or tries, I should say, his italicized emphasis is just right. I can hear it perfectly. Also, “snarled” is a great word to use there.
Ahh, such strong emotion Marik has, reminding me of bitter Kaiba. Great work.
Beautiful line that carries such emotion: “customary gloom that poisoned his heart every morning.”
All the bustle in the kitchen is a great contrast to the sluggish way Marik’s mind seems. And I love the description you use to convey how Odion would like to help, but Ishizu would not let him if he tried. I can certainly see that as the truth!
More amazing description, using chains to represent guilt. I could literally feel it encompassing me.
Ooh, mention of a policeman bringing home Marik before certainly set up more tension and dread. I worry that Marik is going to be in an accident sometime, especially since Ishizu warned him to wear a helmet…
Nice use of the motorcycle being as escape. Truly some wonderful language there, like being “unable to drag down his soul” and “free.”
“Aura of discontent” is a great way to describe school.
Very interesting…I use this same concept in a story where a character defends keeping a murderer alive instead of giving him the death penalty: “the cruel reality that his thriving quest for freedom was wrong penalty enough?” Of course, when you say “no,” it adds a lot of gut-twisting for me. I feel just rotten.
I like how you keep using “Pharaoh’s host” to describe who Yugi is, making it more obvious we’re looking through Marik’s eyes and just how that is the most important thing about the boy.
Interesting again…that same story where my character uses that phrase to save her brother is the same one where the girl is afraid of crowds, as just happens with Marik. I love the description—it is exactly what I feel like sometimes, so I relate, and it the same type of description I used in my other story. The same with how Marik feels he deserves such pain…creepy how similar they are.
The confrontation between the teacher and Marik just made things worse. I really wanted him to open up, but I knew he wouldn’t. You added even more tension that way!
Ooh, wonderful line/description: “tempestuous haze.” I really like that.
Wow, very great action going on when Yugi’s spills his books. Marik’s outburst was very intriguing, and I like the reference to their history, slave and master. Very attention-getting, and it made me think once more.
The end of the chapter was done expertly, relating back to how he couldn’t escape his problems even though he was the motorcycle. Excellent, excellent work, as usual!
PS The phrase "delinquents’ stifled snickers" is stuck in my head I liked it so well.
| Caorann fridh Bronach chapter 1 . 5/12/2005
You're welcome! Glad to be of use. The only thing is that you could change it to "bobble-headed" and "understand" to "understood" in that line. Then, one line down, two words are missing a space between them. That's all I noticed to be nit-picky about!
Um, sorry, but my review for this and the next chapter have blurred together (didn't separate them, my mistake), so don't be surprised if something on either review goes to the other chapter.
Nice attention-getting device. I instantly realize that there is more going on with Marik than him simply being wrong on a math problem.
This description was excellent, giving me a visual image of what it looked like: “In fact, Marik was entirely sure that the answer to this very question was lying dormant somewhere in his mind, buried under the deep, complex fragments of his being, but still very much in his grasp.” I just love connections to any plants, and I understand very well when you use the word “dormant” and “buried” how it relates.
Good italicizing of the word “longed” to show just how he felt. It caught my attention, as it ought to, and it made me pause and think just what it meant.
The symbolism of the problem representing Marik was simply wonderful. Or maybe I should say extended metaphor…anyway, it really gave a good description of it all that a reader could instantly cue in on to recognize what is happening.
All your sudden change of paragraphs adds tension and shock, making the entire scene much more dramatic, which is excellent. I find myself almost holding my breath as I go from the end of one paragraph to the revelations in the next.
The description of the psychologist is great—carries a lot of tone within it to show what Marik truly feels.
The entire prologue is moving and touching, especially the reference back to the incorrect homework assignment. Also, you sneak in Yami and Marik’s reason to dislike him very well.
Overall, just wonderful emotion and figurative anguage-those are some of my favorite parts of your writing!
| AshenRoseShadow chapter 2 . 5/11/2005
Another beautiful chapter, I love how you ended this one with Marik not being able to ride away from his problems, it is very foreboding.
Marik just cannot stay out of trouble. If its not his grades, its this gang that wants his bike. Poor guy. I like how you add each incident gradually, rather than all at once, and it builds up. Nothing seems rushed and everything fits well together, like the pieces of a puzzle.
I got so mad when those guys tried to take Marik's motorcycle, that's like his life, and he would kill them if they did something to it. Figuratively.
"“Get ready for another day of hell,” he murmured in false cheer as he padded towards his closet." Marik hates life, and by the way you depicted his school life, I don't blame him one bit.
He is feeling guilty about Everything. With all of that guilt, I'd explode, but that's just like Marik, keep it all in.
"The moment the words had escaped his lips he felt the thick, horrid emotion of guilt whelm over him, like heavy chains dragging down his very soul."
That line was awesome. So detailed and beautiful, I felt the guilt Marik did, for like this brief second. Wonderful job!
"It was horribly selfish for Marik to ask such a thing of his brother. Terribly egoistic to expect Odion to take time out of his complex schedule to pick up a few paper-bound books for a boy who had only just, so willingly, tried to overthrow the pharaoh..."
I really liked this part. 'egoistic, paper-bound, so willingly' I loved your description and you incorporate it so beautifully each time! Marik is thinking so deep into this it is slightly humorous. And the way you eased his past into that line worked perfectly.
Wonderful work, please update soon!
PS- If there were any errors in my last review, I am sorry, I forgot to spell check it! _
PSS- Your Screen Name, The Fifth Champion, is really cool, I just keep forgetting to tell you, lol!
| AshenRoseShadow chapter 1 . 5/11/2005
You really don't know how extremly happy I was when I opened my e-mail and there, shining like golden sunlight, was the message that said you started this story about Marik. Too dramatic? Well, its all true.
This story is awesome, but, then again, I didn't expect any less of you. Yes, I am only on teh first chapter, but I already love it.
You describe how Marik feels so beautifully, and I can see everything, like it is a movie playing in front of me.
"A slight smile flickered across his face when he saw the tiny numbers appear on the calculator screen. Eighty-eight.
The true answer was ninety-two."
These lines really stand out in my mind. I love, no, I adore, the detail you used here. The word flicker, how you described his smile as being slight. That was brilliant.
The math part reminds me of when I was in the fourth grade, doing problems wrong, on purpose, just to see... Stories that you can relate to are really cool. And I'm pretty sure a lot of people can relate to the eraser marks on their Math paper. _
"But that was the problem. It just didn’t seem to matter anymore. Nothing seemed to matter anymore."
Oh god, poor Marik. I feel so sorry for him and you have sparked that through your writing. Can you think of anything better? You hold the power to write and control people's feelings, O.o lol
"Even if he didn’t consciously realize it, some part of him wanted, longed, to see the answer come to an incomplete result yet again.
Just like him."
Marik is incomplete and it sounds even more powerful the way you stated it. No directly, but enough so that you know, and it leaves a powerful impact upon the reader. Great job!
"In fact, Marik was entirely sure that the answer to this very question was lying dormant somewhere in his mind, buried under the deep, complex fragments of his being, but still very much in his grasp."
That sentence was so detailed and wonderful. Its like him, he's there, but he is lost. Thats how I see it. I loved your vocabulary choice, 'dormat, complex, fragments' beautiful work.
Please keep writing! I love your work so much, you don't even know!