|Reviews for Beautiful|
| Jhiz chapter 1 . 4/28/2011
That was worth 2 big fat tears and the headache that comes from forcing the tears to stop even though I knew where the story was going from the opening. You did a beautiful job conveying the emotions and I enjoyed your descriptive images. Thank you.
| Jade Ice Fire chapter 1 . 5/27/2009
This is quietly powerful in it's message. Lovely story.
| Aka-Aki chapter 1 . 1/3/2007
this is such a beautiful story. oh god, give me a moment because right now i am really crying fully blown out. i think u deserve a pat on the back. not some gold metal or award because with time, it'll just seem like another object, but a pat on the back because it will always seem like someone's patting ur back.
doesn't make much sense, but this was a beautiful one shot. and that world Miroku was is wonderful. if only that was the world we lived in.
| purple-drake chapter 1 . 11/8/2006
Oh, God... I'm seriously crying right now, that was so beautiful. You've got Miroku pegged exactly the way I think of him, but you've explained it in a way I don't think I could in a million years.
When I'd watched the anime far enough to find out about how the wind-tunnel pretty much equals certain death, it really made me look at Miroku in a new light - as someone who is dying, and tries to take what he can from every moment. That's probably part of the reason why he's always going after women all the time :P not just for selfish pleasure, but for joy that he could get and that he could give at the same time.
About the only thing that jarred me was the fact that it seemed a little random and out-of-the-blue how he suddenly seemed so desperate, if you know what I mean. He seemed a little... emotional. Maybe it was just because there was nothing leading up to it, no battle or anything, although I suppose a week of bad nights and constant rain is enough to make anyone break down :P the concept is beautiful enough to get past that, though. Kudos.
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 10/21/2006
All in all, the entire group was on edge. Sango snapped more than usual. Inuyasha…well, Inuyasha always snapped at everyone… only, now he seemed to anger twice as easily as before, and was three times as loud and obnoxious about it. Shippou was sullen and whiney, and even Kirara seemed disgruntled as she cleaned the mud from her fur each night. Miroku was the only one who didn’t seem ill-tempered, but he was much more quiet and withdrawn than usual.
[An interesting and effective lead-in that leaves out none of the “minor characters”.]
She sent one last scathing glance at her current source of frustration, before uttering a word that shut him up and sent him into the ground. Osuwari.
[Obligatory Japanese. “Osuwari” is a directed, immediate command that translates perfectly into the English “sit”.]
To…to…eat a lot of chocolate!
[And this made me stop and scratch my head, because it sharply diverges from the narrative up until that point, and doesn’t seem consistent with Kagome’s character, as portrayed in canon or the immediate set-up so far in your story.]
She sat on the damp log, clenching her fingers into the thick green moss that grew on its surface, and ground her teeth, thinking of all the reasons she wished she were home at that very moment, and how she just longed for a hot bath, and warm oden, and foot massages, and snuggly blankets, and is that really so much to ask!
[When I first read this section, I said ‘that’s a question, where’s the question mark’, but after a re-reading realized it was a narrative depiction of Kagome’s silent venting, which if spoken would basically be a long exhalation of complaining more than truly speaking. Aside from that one mark, I thought this was funny.]
He looks so at peace, and yet…. She looked at his eyes, and could sense a longing in them that she had seen before, but only glimpses of, as he’d always quickly wipe it away with a smirk, or playful grin. He looks so melancholy at the same time.
[The phrasing on this is a little broken, it could be more straightforward:]
He looks so at peace, and yet… She looked at his eyes, and could sense a longing in them that she had seen glimpses of before, though he’d always quickly wipe it away with a smirk or playful grin. He looks so melancholy at the same time.
How did he seem to hold so much growth and knowledge behind those young, young eyes?
[We get the point, saying “young, young” is overly repetitive. One would be enough.]
Her selfish internal grumbling stopped when he moved. It wasn’t much, but just a parting of his lips.
He had soft lips, most often favoring a smile, or a smirk, or a gentle twist of thought.
[Despite re-reading this several times, I still can’t fathom how that fits into the explanative narrative. It just looks strange. We’ve already described the fact that he’s hiding his true feelings with a smirk, this sentence really doesn’t need to be here at all.]
He seemed to watch it dance on its way for a moment, before he turned to her, warmth glowing gently in his gaze. “Beautiful view?”
[Given the nature of the scene, and what he’s about to say, I think mentioning a strain lurking in his eyes behind the carefully-maintained facade of his normal expression would be an excellent transition.]
Miroku grinned lightly, his pearly white teeth peeking from behind his perfect soft lips, and handed her a cloth from his sleeve.
[I understand the importance of proper narrative presentation, but I think this reaches into overdescription. Why would a bitter, this-day-and-everything-in-it-sucks attitude Kagome be making an observation like ‘his perfect soft lips’?]
He allowed her time to blow her nose on it before replying, and Kagome found herself being slowly soothed by the gentle depth of his voice. Smooth and warm...
“But it’s beautiful. Everything.” He shifted so his body was angled toward her slightly, his leg crooked over the edge of the log, his ever-present staff leaning against the wood behind him.
[These two paragraphs are slightly confusing. I believe the “smooth and warm” is supposed to be a thought by Miroku, but I think just presenting his line with the mention of surprise or ease at his voice would be enough. My recommendation is to delete her thought and move up his dialogue. His following movement should probably also focus more on drawing her attention to the forest, rather than saying that he’s facing her. Is he, yes, so slipping in a brief mention would do, but he’s teaching his lesson by drawing her eyes outwards to their mutual surroundings.]
Those moments were too short, and too few, but he seemed to dwell in them, and Kagome wondered how.
[Though this is technically correct, I just wanted to point out that “dwell” can also mean to ponder on, and I think the implication you want is that he resides full-time in them, he lives fully in those moments.]
He hurried on, almost frantically, and she could see that he was desperate that he make her understand, make someone understand, and Kagome felt her heart break knowing that he had chosen her to share his beautiful secrets with.
[I think the point would be a little more poignant if it “secrets” was changed to singular “secret”, because in a sense it’s one little thing that’s causing the world of difference in his perspective.]
And Miroku - smooth-talking, always calm, always collected Miroku - began to stumble and trip over the words that rushed from his graceful lips.
[His lips are just opening to let the words out. His words may be graceful, but why would his mouth be?]
She swallowed back the bitter taste of bile that rose in her throat, and as she looked at him she knew her heart was breaking fiercely, and determinedly.
[Saying that ‘her heart was breaking’ gets the point across. If you want to add ‘fiercely’, I suppose that’s up to you, but avoid overdoing it (‘determinedly’ crosses into too much).]
She held him closely to her, rubbing soothing circles on his back and praying to anyone who would listen that the wise, old, young, living and dying man-child in her arms receive every chance at life that he so very much deserved.
[Man-child? I think this is another ‘pick one’ incidence, because the two together just don’t make sense. Considering the remarkably mature statement he just gave, I think ‘man’ would fit better than ‘child’.]
They slowly slid together off the mossy log and onto the ground next to it, leaning into it for support, the living depending upon the dead for strength.
[What an interesting phrase, ‘the living depending upon the dead’.]
Miroku’s eyes left again for his distant land and this time he took Kagome with him.
[Grammatically, that needs a comma after ‘land’ to indicate the separation, to emphasize that he’s not off in la-la land on his own, he’s taken Kagome too.]
And both wondered if such a place existed.
[As we so often do.]
That was an excellent story, with just the philosophical exploration that is a joy to find. I hope you have the time to review one of my stories. God bless,
| Blasmurf chapter 1 . 7/7/2006
Ah... You know, you actually made me cry now. I totally LOVE this fic. "living is beautiful and so help me, I can’t bear the thought of its end.." Whahaa, poor Miroku! Sigh, the life of a fangirl.. I love your writing, keep going! Huggies
| Meng Xiaojie chapter 1 . 6/16/2006
Oh, I LOVED this! I'm a big fan of Miroku, and he doesn't get nearly enough quality fanfiction!
Thank you for sharing this lovely piece-I literally had a tear in my eye as I read the last few bits. Gracious! Can't remember the last time I read an Inu-Yasha fic that had such an impact...
| Dread Pirate Rinja chapter 1 . 3/27/2006
Aha! I found it here, too! Hehe. Looks like I'll have to drop a review (without the FFRG-style critique) and fave it here as well. ;) Reading it again reminded me of just how well this story fits its title; it's definitely a beautiful piece. You captured both Miroku's and Kagome's personalities so well, and the dynamic relationship between them, too. I can really appreciate that you stuck with canon in that regard, since you easily could have made this a romantic one-shot (and I probably would have loved it anyway despite my distate for the pairing, as this is so well-written, hehe). Thank you so much for sharing it with us, Mus. I will have to start taking a peek at your other stories here soon as well! :3
| Karissa chapter 1 . 3/16/2006
Wow! This story is so good! I love it!
| Yasha147 chapter 1 . 3/2/2006
no, miroku dont die please dont die. Wah the injustice of it, why. *sniffle* that was such a beautiul story, i've always had problems seeing the good in things. that was so touching, please dont ever stop writing and if u write profecionaly i will so buy ur books. Now i dont know if i want to smile because with the thought of them being happy or cry with the thought of the raw deal they've been givin.
That was a beautiful story please write more.
| quondamcrush chapter 1 . 11/30/2005
you made me cry! but that's a good thing... even though it's my b-day tomm. haha... i like Miroku...:(
| CrimsonShiva chapter 1 . 11/24/2005
Wow, this is a really insightful piece. I really like how Kagome discovers where Miroku's eyes wander to when he's so distant. I also like how Kagome and Miroku's friendship is characterized. Places for improvement, I think are, maybe going deeper into why Kagome is so upset. Constant rain and monotony are disheartening, but I fail to see why everyone is so peeved. Also, I don't think Miroku would sob over his fate. He seems like a very emotionally strong and reserved character. I could see him letting silent tears flow, but outright bawling is a bit much for him. Anyway, great job. I enjoyed it!
| ButterflyOnna77 chapter 1 . 11/11/2005
Great story. It made me cry a little. I think you would like the story Pandora's Failure by Rurouni Star. It is on
| Katsheswims chapter 1 . 11/11/2005
Great story. Very profound. I hope you write many more.
| Youkai99Angel chapter 1 . 11/8/2005
ah...wow, i dont know what to say. that was... that was...(god dammit, im never speechless!) but this was just so excelent! very well writen. I'm sure you've heard this alot, but it really was beautiful! . - _