|Reviews for Innocence In Ignorance|
| Dbear chapter 8 . 12/9/2010
Really good story, I enjoyed it a lot. Was interesting seeing how Harper considered Emily as really a child even though she was an AI.
| carolann chapter 8 . 9/3/2010
| carolann chapter 7 . 9/3/2010
So it's a bunch of mercenaries with a real trojan horse that's an AI using social engineering to get valuable information.
| carolann chapter 6 . 9/3/2010
So Emily is an AI. I liked the scene of her with Tyr a lot.
| carolann chapter 5 . 9/3/2010
A normal child would be sleepy. Rommie made a huge mistake giving out all of the information on herself to Emily.
| carolann chapter 4 . 9/3/2010
Emily must be an AI since Rommie can't beat her. I'm starting to wonder if Emily's innocent act is just an act. Basically they're spilling a lot of important information to Emily.
| carolann chapter 3 . 9/3/2010
I'm starting to wonder if "Emily" really is a child since no life signs were detected before by Rommie of the abandoned ship. Maybe she's an android. It's definitely an interesting mystery.
| carolann chapter 2 . 9/3/2010
Very interesting finding the child on the ship. I liked that backstory that you gave Harper seeing the necklace. I'm guessing that the necklace has some significance to Sintu-Anaris.
| carolann chapter 1 . 9/3/2010
Nice start. I don't blame Tyr for being mad at the Ambassador since Tyr's entire Pride was essentially wiped out by the Drago-Katsov.
| woody000 chapter 8 . 8/26/2005
“Harper crawled carefully though a conduit Rommie following closely behind.”
“Don’t touch my ship.”
“Stop denting my ship!”
The structure used here makes this repetition. You could change one of them, or if you wanted to repeat similar words then I’d advise giving one a frame, such as “And you, stop denting my ship!” It makes the repetition softer.
“trying hard as she could not to get stuck in a spin or worse yet, get incinerated.”
Worse yet isn’t proper English, it could only be used as the speech of a character. Either ‘worse, get incinerated’, or ‘worse still’, though the latter sounds a bit like a cliché to me.
“As per the plan several of the ships were incinerated”
As per again is a phrase that should only be used in speech.
“Without the shield keeping them in a tight block formation they were free to tail the ship.”
This isn’t clear. Which ship?
“hanging on by a thread.”
“Once, I found out who the contact was I had him swiftly executed.”
That comma shouldn’t be there.
“Trance gave smiled back.”
Very nice, I really enjoyed the story and it came across well. The ending was nice, although personally I think that the focus of this story is Harper and Beka and so it should have ended with their scene rather than Trance and Dylan. That would be easily fixed though, very few modifications to the text itself are needed to change it.
Anyway, yeah, great. Let me know when (if :P) you begin another!
| GenderYes chapter 7 . 8/11/2005
I hope you plan on updating this soon - only one more chapter left, right? I'm looking forward to seeing how this ends. Great job, I really enjoyed reading this.
I think you've got a pretty good handle on the characters, none of them seem to be doing anything too out-of-character. The way Trance acted in the beginning threw me off a little, but I've been watching the episodes with sweet Trance lately so it took me a minute to figure out which Trance she was in the first place. :-P
I would have liked to see more exploration into Trance's side, and the fact that they were repeating a scenario that had already ended in death - your summary led me to believe that there would be more of that. Your writing redeems that, though. I really, really like your style.
Please continue, don't leave us hanging!
| woody000 chapter 7 . 8/11/2005
Sorry for the delay, I've been (and still am, actually) busy revising and so haven't had time.
‘“Emily is an AI.” he near blurted.’
Nearly. I do also think however that it doesn’t sound strong enough to say that. It’d probably sound better either as he blurted, or something like he said quickly. Maybe even he said quickly, the words falling over themselves as they left his mouth, if you really want to emphasise it. :P
‘Both guys eyed her uncomprehendingly again.’
As it’s the narrator, Both Dylan and Harper would be better. Also, uncomprehendingly sounds a bit clumsy, though actually I’m at a loss to think of a circumstance when it wouldn’t. Nevertheless I’d change it.
‘Beka frowned. “Harper, ignorance and innocence are not the same thing.”’
Hehe, it’s cute, though I’d always try to be more subtle. A title for a story of mine would either be some object/person/organisation or I wouldn’t use those exact words in the story.
‘and it’s well being too and’
typo, its… also I skipped over that part too, I think it’d aid reading to use a hyphen: well-being.
‘Beka was already back on her feet where Harper was sitting against the wall he had once again been thrown against still in a state of shock from the abruptness of the attack.’
That’s a bit run-on. You need to break it up with commas and/or sentence breaks.
‘deep cleansing breath’
A bit of a cliché these days.
‘almost in the fashion one would for an earthquake.’
Didn’t seem to fit the style of the narrator to me. Maybe “as if an earthquake was on the way,” or something similar.
‘“Our missiles aren’t working!” Tyr called.’
I’d have tried to be clearer about how this is said. Also, when you read it, not knowing it’s Tyr, it reads as if he’s scared, which of course doesn’t fit the character. So the tag should go before the speech, or else you’ll need to remove the exclamation mark.
‘Dylan winced. “Are any missiles working?”’
I felt as though that was one winced too many. Made me wince lol :P
‘Beka said tritely.’
Tritely isn’t needed here, it’s clear from what’s said.
‘Trance turned her head to face him her gaze solid and stern.’
Missing comma after “him”.
Dylan wrinkled his brow in contemplation.
I’d remove in contemplation. I feel we’ve suddenly entered a passage with a lot of longer words and it feels a bit off.
‘Why wuld a faction like you go to such extravagant means to destroy us?”’
‘Harper finished up with the panel’
Up should be removed.
‘He eyed the screen and the two people. His eyes widened. They were the people from the transmission.’
Repetition of people, and I had trouble understanding it anyway, so replacement of the 2nd people should make it clearer.
‘His gaze traveled from there forms to a blurred object just behind them on the screen.’
Had to re-read that several times before I understood it.
‘She tried to quickly but carefully weave her way out of the swarm but halfway through the ship jerked.’
Repetition of “but”.
‘metal panel on the Andromeda had begun to bleed again.
The Maru jerked again’
Repetition of again.
‘comprehension dawned on Beka.’
Hmm… not sure if those two words should be used together like that.
‘. She turned her head briefly to see Trance sitting up but her loss of focus sent her flying into another ship. The speed and the force of the impact sent the Maru rolling like a tin can and only an impact with another ship finally stopped it.’
Repetition of sent.
‘Trance ended up sprawled over on the floor, and an unconscious Beka was slumped over in her chair.’
I’d try to make the ending of a chapter a bit punchier, though it’s probably not necessary.
I'm not sure I was quite on the ball with the breaks here, I may have missed a problem somewhere. But nevertheless, if it was that major it would have jumped out at me I'm sure.
Anyway, keep it coming! It's still keeping me reading, at a healthy speed too. :)
| NATE chapter 6 . 7/23/2005
Please update soon I m loving this story!
| woody000 chapter 6 . 7/19/2005
I understand, no worries :)
| JuggernautSovereign chapter 3 . 7/16/2005
It's OK, Woody. What you're doing is a very fine form of constructive criticism and I"m glad that someone is doing it. Your reviews are comprehensive and I should think, quite helpful. I was under the impression that you were doing this simply to pick out nits in the story, but I've been informed otherwise. In real life, ShadowofStarlight is a good friend of mine and I'm very protective of her, especially as I was the one to introduce her to I've had my share of bad reviews and I know that ShadowofStarlight takes bad reviews in a very serious and affecting way. I'm just trying to protect my friend. Keep up the good job.