|Reviews for Long Shadows at Dawn|
| Inlumino chapter 2 . 8/28/2006
Wow. I haven't visited the Alpha Centauri section for a while (then again, i haven't come to for a while...) but your fanfic made it very worth it! Keep up the great work. D
| Joshua Kenni chapter 1 . 6/23/2005
First and foremost, I'd like to welcome you to the Alpha Centuari section. This is a sporadically dead and alive group, and new stories are always a happy site here.
I've actually noticed this story over the last week or two while I've been making changes to my account, but I've found myself too lazy to actually go about reading it. I've found myself with extra time today, though, so I decided to take a gander.
Overall, I found that this is a very well put-together piece. Morgan is much like I'd imagine him to be, and the assessments of the other factions seemed right on.
There is only one real criticism that I could find in this chapter: while I was reading this fiction in my car, I asked my girlfriend if she had any idea whatsoever what "plutocratically avuncular" meant. She didn't. While I praise your use of vibrant language in the majority of this chapter, there is such thing as going too far. The average layman isn't going to understand the more obscure, lesser-used words, such as 'opined'.
That aside, however, I think you have the beginnings of a great story. I'll be fascinated to see where this is going. I'm about ready to collapse though, but I will most likely read chapter two then.
| aethelswin chapter 1 . 6/3/2005
Thank you, darling Lady Nightspike. I hope we get another chapter from you soon. The first chapter is
a mite slow, but it incorporates some strategy hints
for gameplayers...very fannish! I'll cross my trotters and hope my character surprises are sufficient without being outlandish.
| Lady Nightspike chapter 1 . 6/2/2005
Well, this is an interesting setup so far. Your analysis of each faction, through Lucia Graves, was especially interesting. It foreshadows things to come.
However, your characters seem wooden from the beginning. CEO Morgan, of course, is clever and able and yet indulgent, and Lucia is hardworking and honest. I also don't know where you're going with the actual plot, since this is all exposition. The only actions that really occur- Lucia becoming probemaster, and the establishment of the plutocracy- don't really give themselves to a plotline. Now, it's not necessarily a bad thing, but you're going to have to be careful and make sure you have a defined direction in which to take the story.
Then there is the entirely offhand comment about the public thinking that Lucia is Morgan's mistress. Shouldn't she react somehow to that? Even if she isn't bothered by it, (and Morgan definitely isn't) she should at least say so to him., maybe something stiff like, "That eventuality does not bother me, sir." Furthermore, she doesn't even comment on being made his probemaster, which makes it seem as though he's talking to an intelligent machine, giving it instructions, rather than a human being. Especially if you plan on a romance between them (which I am blindly assuming from your summary) of any kind, even a failed one, there should be some sort of spark between them that seems to be mostly missing.
But if there's going to be war, please make it not for obvious reasons. Intrigue, the way you portray the factions, would be delightful, but make sure you don't just resort to the stereotypes of the factions you outline here so gracefully. A few character surprises would be delicious.
On the whole, keep writing. I see you've uploaded three chapters, so I'm going to read the other two...