|Reviews for Maternal Instincts|
| Lakewood chapter 1 . 6/7/2005
Your firstborn? Thanks, I'll put it on the wall with the rest of my collection. I prefer Fedex as a means of...
... 'That' was a failed attempt at humor. I think I'll move on to the review now.
I'll start off by saying that your keen characterization of Kaname never fails to amaze me. I can say with upmost certainty that you are able to get into her head better than any writer has managed so far. Your characterization of Kaname actually makes her a 'real' character. Most other characterizations of her, with the exception of a very, very few, make her into a character that could never truly exist outside of a deep fictitious world. I have to congratulate you on a job very well done on that front.
There was much less of Sousuke in the fic, but you still wrote him very good. There wasn't much of an insight into what was going on inside of his head like there was for Kaname, but the mentioning of Sousuke's actions and reactions seemed to work just as good. Especially since Sousuke's running train seems to be 'actions speak louder than words.' The mentioning of his nightmares and tight, protective nature seemed right on to me. That's very much how I perceive his character too.
A small gripe I have with the story is a bit of a lack in setting. I know they have an apartment a few years after they are out of school, but that's about it. I understand perfectly that setting is not a major focus in this story, nor should it be. However, by using just a few words to trigger any of the five senses, you can greatly heighten the feeling of the story. Setting can play a key role in just about anything you go to write. This is not to say that I think the lack of setting takes away from the enjoyment of the story, but I do believe it would have added something to it.
There's one other thing that I have a problem with. After reading over you story a few times, it seems to me that Kaname voiced her thoughts to Sousuke about the children 'way' too soon. I'm definitely in no position to hammer 'you' on Kaname's character, but I believe that this is more of a problem that would pertain to anyone and not just Kaname. With the way it's written, Kaname didn't spend anywhere near enough time thinking about it herself before talking to Sousuke about it. In order for it to seem realistic, she should have probably spent at least the good portion of the day, possibly even days, thinking about the possibility of her and Sousuke having children. I know that you mentioned that she had been thinking about 'children' for the past few days, but that's still not quite the same. Now, I know that you couldn't possibly put everything that would run through someone's head down on paper, but if you had simply mentioned that she had given contemplation to the idea some over the past few days while also thinking about the children in general, it would be perfectly fine in my book. My point is that she actually only spent a few minutes in the kitchen thinking about what her and Sousuke's life would be like with a child before she threw the idea to him just shortly after he got back. I'm sorry if I'm being too critical about something so small, but it really nags me for some reason.
But, I will congratulate you on nailing Sousuke's reaction perfectly. I could just imagine the gong going off in his head when Kaname mentioned kids to him. That was perfect.
Overall, you did a really good job with this story. You have a knack for making fictional characters seem so human. Not many people can do that with these two. I'm really impressed. I would also like to mention in closing that the sarcastic comments, thoughts, etc. in the story really adds flavor to it. It's definitely one of great points of your style. As always, I look forward to reading more work from you.
Keep up the good work.
| IdrianWatzon chapter 1 . 6/6/2005
It's cute, truly. i love it and hope you add more chapters to go. Kaname and Sousuke are so cute. RayxJade
| ifylapeach chapter 1 . 6/2/2005
tHAT'S SWEET, AND THOUGHTFUL. VERY GOOD IMAGINATION
| Kibuka chapter 1 . 6/2/2005
Very good introspective peace. I especially liked the mention of Sousuke having nightmares. With a background like his horrid nightmares would seem to be a given, yet I've yet to read a story that deals with this subject. I've been kicking story ideas on this subject around for a while but I haven't been able to put pen to paper. Perhaps you could instead;)
| vic chapter 1 . 6/1/2005
you were a kid once too! (at least i hope so) that is a good fic, but i never expected souske to change quite that quickly, but i am behind in reading the cannon material. good fic. im reapeating myself, so do i get a cookie?
| Fabulist chapter 1 . 6/1/2005
Wow, that was adorable. I really love the handle you have on Kaname, the perfect balance of her quirky and violent sides to make a very believeable character. I also love how you keep Sousuke's military attitude perfectly in line, while still making him seem human and capable of being in a relationship. The scenes with children you described are hilarious, hahaha. My favorite line is “I missed you as well, though I believe that’s implied.”... that's THE perfect thing for Sousuke to say at that moment, you really hit the nail on the head.
Sorry, little things like that in fics really impress me. Great job!
| Ice chocolate chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
hm, i don't get the last part. But, I LOVE YOU TOO! u are so wonderful, talented, kind and brillant! you are so a wonderful writer. i'm so happy! it was so good! i just can't express how wonderful it was. but, i better stop there and say THANK YOU Very much!
so they arn't married yet, right?
| MJP chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
Kaname's not taking her rage out on the carrot? You missed your chance to work with an emasculation metaphor! What kind of turbo-feminist are you? :-P Kidding, kidding...
I hate to nail you on grammar, but you use "and" to start sentences at a couple of points. I know how alluring it is to use it, but it's like Force lightning: it's powerful, it's useful, and damned if it doesn't get the job done... but it's still the Dark Side at work.
"Speaking of the devil" is usually "Speak of the devil..." It just seemed kinda scratchy to the eyes, but it's your call. Nothing says a verb can't be conjugated in a figure of speech.
I really like the operational concept you started out with, and it's executed rather well. I would have liked to have seen more, though. You've got a lot of flesh that's being worked on... think of someone who's envisioning a child. I don't have any myself, but whenever I get a new piece of geek technology, I think about how it'll be at the end of its operational life (six months on average). How it'll work elsewhere, how it'll evolve. A child is the ultimate geek technology... so where's Kaname wondering how their child would be as a teenager? How would Sousuke handle a girl? Twins? Multiple kids? Paying for college? Etc. etc.
Hell, why stop here? Someone else wrote a futurefic at one point, but it was pulled for horrendous grammar and such... a shame, too, because I was helping the guy work on it. If anyone can do it, it's you. Just an idea for the future, since you have BatO to work on... as well as our secret project! _ Contact me about that; I need to work with you on this! :-P
But as for this story... excellent, high-quality work. You're still tops of the fandom as far as I'm concerned, and I wouldn't trust the opinion of anyone who disagrees with me.
| Rhevik chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
Ah, I needed that. It's been far too long since I read/saw/did anything related to FMP. I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy the Kaname/Sousuke relationship, which you have a definite flair for writing about.
I'm looking forward to more BatO. Keep up the excellent work. _
| cultnirvana chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
*squees and glomps Bri* Oh that was unbelievably sweet as well as hilarious. You never lose the nack for sarcasm. And how can you write something so quickly? *envies*
Love you! Karen.
| Starzki chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
I must decline your offer of your first born as I'm not terribly fond of children, either. :P Especially children I'm not related to. :) But I'll review, anyway.
I did enjoy this little fic. It was sweet and very well written. Kaname the Prison Guard seemed perfect and it made me laugh. You're right. There's not enough well-written FMA fanfiction out there, but I'm glad you're putting forth the effort to make some more.
| deleted9306 chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
Good story. Very funny. Well, to me anyway.
| Hououza chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
Umm...that was very very scary, now on to the fic..._;
Excellent work, love how you played that one out. A smile on my face the whole way through. Once again I am baffled by the use of Ayame, I assume she is the second season?
Good luck & best wishes,