|Reviews for Desecrated Empire|
| Psalm Of Fire chapter 1 . 10/14/2008
Hey, this is so you can see my profile.
| Colter chapter 3 . 10/14/2008
SWEET! SUN KIN!
Awesome, I didn't even think of that!
| Colter chapter 2 . 10/14/2008
"Wild Flower, Kang and Sing ran to them and each took one of the fallen into their arms attempting to wake them."
I like this sentence. When you are listing things of it is standard to add a comma to every item except the one After "and/or" unless it is for poetic or practical purposes. Example: "Mary and Frank, Greg and Jenni, both couples rejected the messenger's taunting." Using it this way tells us who the couples are. So we need to add a comma at the end of Kang's name.
Word economy says we can take "attempting to wake them up" off because that's exactly what you go on to describe them doing. The final product:
"Wild flower, Kang, and Sing ran to them and each took one of the fallen into their arms."
Now it really shines. I loved how you had "took one of the fallen" and didn't say "fallen people" or "fallen friends". It added a lot of poetry to it for me and used good word economy.
Still... I call into question whether Kang would take one into his arms. Maybe he would roll them over, or bend down and poke them in the belly to wake them. May I suggest:
"Sing and Wild Flower rushed over and each took one of the fallen into their arms. Kang trotted behind, making it his job to wake the bunmaster."
This shows that Wild Flower rushed to Sky (which would be my guess, as it would be hard for the little girl not to get a crush on him throughout Jade Empire) wile also keeping Kang in character.
"Sing got the woman in the magenta up so she laid on his arm and caught a clear view of her face."
I am unclear of their position here. Also, after clarification is done some word economy could be applied. "Woman in magenta" does not need to be described as her clothing was detailed 2 sentences back. Instead, at this point we don't know they are all unconscious, so using that instead could add more to the reader knowledge, but since you are already describing a complicated position then I would stick to just "woman" or "lady" or even "damsel".
"Sing was stunned at the beauty of this woman, even more so since she is asleep."
This is heavy on the shipping in the first chapter as he is already struck by her. To tease the readers more you could Imply it instead. "even more so since she was asleep" felt disconnected to the rest of the sentence and took me a bit to figure out. You used Sing by his name in the previous sentence and so using it again here feels unnatural. Instead, use "he". The next line is "It reminded him of a sleeping princess, just like the ones in fairy tails." Do eastern "fairy tales" tell of beautiful princesses? I am not sure, and I know that most fairy tales thought of by a western audience will be ones base in Medieval times, something that eastern culture does not share. Instead, may I suggest something along the lines of:
"His eyes traced her face, one regal, and yet softened by unconsciousness. His breathing shallowed, almost not wanting to disturb the picture before him."
By putting his reaction second, we see why he is reacting the way he is and thus feels more natural to the reader, instead of feeling like its being forced down your throat. Also, this allows for more of a tease for the relationship I think.
"She had a strong build, indicating she was physically well trained." If you go with something like I suggested above, a sentence like this afterward will "break the moment", if you will. I think it should be removed in that case and used later in the story as she continues to “pique” his interest.
"Sing broke from his daze and shook her a bit." Good sentence, but "a bit" can be removed because I can't see him giving a her a hard shake after his reaction. If you plan on going with what I suggested earlier, then a "daze" wouldn't quite fit it. Instead, I suggest "revere". By the way, "broke" is an excellent verb for this sentence.
"She made a move as her eyes opened to meet his." Her eyes open, and she makes a move, but your sentence leaves me wondering what that move is. In descriptions, if it slows the reader down it is usually bad - unlike profound dialogue or a crazy plot twist. In those cases, slowing down so the reader has to grasp all the implications is a good thing. It makes you look awesome.
It also feels a bit like you are breaking from Sing's perspective. May I suggest"
"Her muscles tensed and then her eyes dared to open."
In this sentence I have left out their eyes meeting, so I will need a new one for that. If Sing is shy he will glance away upon meeting. He may not be shy but a bit intimidated by her beauty, and would probably glance away for that reason as well. But seeing what you put at the end of this section, I will say he is not. So may I suggest this companion sentence:
"Her muscles tensed and then her eyes dared to open. With effort her pupils contracted until eyes met; he gave her a deep smile and helped her to her feet."
I used the semicolon to add more meaning to the third sentence. Now you know exactly when and probably why he's smiling.
"She was greeted with a smile, though she still didn't know how to react. It seemed like the first time the opened her eyes."
The first part of the first sentence would be unnecessary now. The second part breaks from Sing's perspective entirely. This can be jarring and was for me. The second sentence is a typo and I am not quite sure what it was supposed to say.
So the old paragraph read:
"Wild Flower, Kang and Sing ran to them and each took one of the fallen in their arms attempting to wake them. Sing got the woman in the magenta up so she laid on his arm and caught a clear view of her face. Sing was stunned at the beauty of this woman, even more so since she is asleep. It reminded him of a sleeping princess, just like the ones in the fairy tales. She had a strong build, indicating that she was physically well trained. Sing broke from his daze and shook her a bit. She made a move as her eyes opened to meet his. She was greeted with a smile, though she still didn’t know how to react. It seemed like the first time the opened her eyes."
The recommended one reads:
"Sing and Wild Flower rushed over and each took one of the fallen into their arms. Kang trotted behind, making it his job to wake the bunmaster. Sing supported the woman's shoulders with one arm and head with the other. His eyes traced her face, one regal, and yet softened by unconsciousness. His breathing shallowed, almost not wanting to disturb the picture before him. He then broke from his revere and gave her a shake. Her muscles tensed and then her eyes dared to open. With effort her pupils contracted until eyes met; he gave her a deep smile and helped her to her feet."
The original contains 132 words and 9 sentences. The recommended one contains 105 words and 8 sentences, and looses describing her physical fitness level, trading it for Kang's a personalized reaction.
Hope that helps. Do you have a Beta Reader? If not, I may be able to be one for you. Feel free to contact me, in fact, I look forward to it! I love the story and I'll keep on reading!
| Colter chapter 2 . 10/14/2008
Hey, I love it so far and intend to add more helpful reviews. I am doing this because I like it, not because I'm a Jerkass. Anyway, here is the first thing:
"At the center of the room was stone statue of a dragon; which had water flowing from its mouth onto a small moat that encircled around it."
This is incorrect usage of the ;. It is primarily used to connect two complete sentences with similar thoughts, or separate items on a list.
Also, you say "stone" statue. Is it marble? Quarts? Colored? If it was red, you might say
"Looming in the center of the room stood a crimson statue, water flowing from its mouth into an encircling moat."
This is an exercise in word economy and detail. Overboard on detail slows the book to a crawl, which is why word economy is so important. The original sentence had 27 words and painted an accurate if unemotional picture. The suggested sentence contains 20 words and while not as accurate on the size of the moat gives more of an emotional connection to the scene.
I do applaud stepping out with your punctuation to try and improve your art.
You can always use the search function (ctrl F for PC, command f Mac) to find that exact sentence easily and replace it.
| egyptoelf chapter 7 . 4/11/2006
Wow. I think your story is great and to keep up the good work. I also have an idea on who Silent Star's parents are but I am not saying.
| Seriyu-the-ice-dragon chapter 7 . 12/13/2005
This is an intresting story. I have some ideas on who Silent Star's parents are, but I'll just have to wait till the next chapter.
| ddw chapter 7 . 11/30/2005
you completely undermined Kun, the main character of Jade Empire, how can some upstart we'll never care about defeat a god?
| InverseReality chapter 1 . 10/14/2005
You've taken an interesting angle to appraoch the story, and set it in the world of Jade Empire but with the freedom to make the story uniquely your own. My biggest problem with you writing is the random shifts in the point of view. We're all over the place - all of a sudden we're in Silent Star's head, then in Sun Kin's then in Dawn Star's, etc. etc. Clearly we're following a pretty close third with Sing, so let's stick to that. You're not doing a fantastic job of zooming in and out of the heads of multiple characters and it doesn't seem to be your in your interest to do that anyway. If you do want to show some other character's thoughts, maybe wait until you've had a space break and write a paragraph or two from a different perspective, but don't tie it into the main narrative.
FYI: I do think you have an original and interesting angle on the story, and I wouldn't be here reading all 7 chapters if I felt your writing was bad. I just think that structurally, you could use some work. (Assuming you're still working on this piece.) Thanks for the read!
| plutospawn chapter 6 . 8/7/2005
You have Hou get wine... for himself? You're toying with now, aren't you? grumbles...Whirlwind...grumbles... :-p
Hou better be careful, twenty years is not long enough to truly be free from his wife.
I still think that Kin was in love with Dawn Star's mother and I don't think Ya Zhen is gone.
I'm thinking this story could go three or four different ways right now, of course, I'm probably wrong on all four accounts. So, prove me wrong.
| CrazyMorbidity chapter 1 . 8/5/2005
Lovin' it . . . but why does Wild Flower still have pigtails when she's 30? is she the CHinese version of Baby Spice? I'm joking! *can't take a joke . . . gawddamit*
I really wanna see what happens, but I'v been to busy to get past chap 2. Still reading it. I've got my own fanfic which I'm working on, which you know about. Just spent the entire day working on chap3. btw, chap1 is up. And sorry there's nothing about Sky's adventure, as it seemed you hoped for. *don't hurt me!*
Anyhow, the only thing I'm wondering is, what does/did Kun look like. You didn't even mention his player model's apperance! I hate being confused cuz I'm always confused!
| plutospawn chapter 5 . 7/28/2005
Quick thing with your word use. I keep seeing 'bounded' past tense of 'bound' means to move by leaping. Not what you want. The word you're looking for is bind/bound, bound being the past tense.
It almost feels like you're putting Sky into Zu's old role with Sky voicing his distrust immediately. Perfectly acceptable, they just spent twenty years bound, their characters are likely to change at least a little. I think that's probably what interests me most, how being bound for so long has affected the characters we know and love.
| Queen-Akasha chapter 5 . 7/25/2005
I don't mind the double name switch. I don't think it's at all confusing, and besides, it's your story, so do what you want. )
"“Hey, if you two are done playing Seven Minutes in Heaven, we have a problem outside,” Sky said with frustration."
I had just taken a sip of my beverage when I read this line, and I almost spit a mouthful of Miller Genuine Draft all over by computer screen as a result. Hope you're happy, hehehe.
| Dav J chapter 4 . 7/23/2005
I can tell whats going to happen, i think that deaths hand and the master tong is involved!
Great story though
| Chosen of Mythal chapter 4 . 7/22/2005
Ooh... I'm loving this fanfiction; the characterization is magnificent - I'm especially liking the way you cast Sun Kin. (I can imagine him being all noble and cultured).
The story comes across as believable, with the right mix of dialogue, emotional expression and action.
Apart from the small matters of tense use, I can't wait to see the next chapter. Here's hoping Silk Fox will get what's coming to her... :P
| kokurousagi chapter 4 . 7/21/2005
Oh my! What an intriguing fanfiction. Im glad that all the characters are..in character, and the fact that this follows the Closed Fist ending really draws me, since Im a hardcore Open Palm addict. The plot is kind of confusing to me right now, but thats just because the sun here has fried my brains. Tenses kinda got mixed up, but other than that, I enjoyed reading the past four chapters. May I request a fifth? ]