Reviews for Reprisal
Ignis76 chapter 19 . 4/4/2012
Scary. I love it! XD
hotxhotguy chapter 18 . 8/25/2010

PS: I love this story! XD just not the duck part! .
Melchior chapter 19 . 8/25/2009
I'm very glad I checked this story again after so long. The new chapter was great and well worth the wait. I'll check more regularly from now on.

Please keep up this wonderful story.
Ganheim chapter 5 . 6/3/2009
with lank orange hair,

[What is ‘lank orange’?]

The only feature he could see on the boy was black hair

[No ginormous glasses?]

it wasn’t going

[To maintain verb tense, that should be _isn’t_]

Chapter 2

Before closing his eyes he pulled out his two revolvers.

[I know this is a divergence, but unless he stumbled across it and it was a weapon of convenience, I don’t quite see Mousse using guns. He’s so damn good with other weapons (melee and ranged, particularly chained) that he wouldn’t necessarily need guns]

He was completely, frighteningly sane.

[I wouldn’t say he’s sane, just more clear-minded than sane people are capable of being]

with waiting she

[Missing comma after ‘waiting’]

This is what is called a fragmentation grenade.

[He’s already been overly gory in his dispatch of Po-Hsin, I don’t really see how a machination like this is any different than those lame movies that rely on gratuitous blood and gore]

I guess they

[If this is an unvoiced thought, why isn’t it punctuated/formatted as such? Most authors use italics]

Chapter 3

And seeing the people so seemingly carefree about it did little to ease his mind.

[Actually, some of the most violent places are much like this: if you’ve ever been to Lebanon, the people try as hard as they can to put the violence out of their mind, to the point that they almost seem jovial until the bullets start leaping from a passing van]

like to meet him,

[I think terminating at a question mark instead of comma would work better]

it was a small fortress.

[I wouldn’t describe the Tendo home as anything like a small fortress – having property walls has been common from middle-class and up Japanese families since before the Heian era]

It was then that he noticed the girl in the bathtub.

[If the furo was occupied, how’d he miss the sign?]

so what if I am,

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

think Nabiki,”

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Chapter 4

Mousse started in surprise and turned his attention to the source of the voice. His breath caught in his throat. Before him stood a vision of beauty. Ankle-length hair the color of violets framed a smiling, heart-shaped face with eyes the color of dark wine that twinkled with mischief. A waitress’s apron covered her petite body, but couldn’t hide the curvaceous form that her pantsuit hugged in such a way that somehow left little and at the same time very much to the imagination. Everything about her screamed Amazon. The urge to reach out and snap her neck was almost overwhelming.

[This is surprising, the implication I’d picked up earlier was that he grew up in the village for a time and then was chased away but that he’d been old enough to have started his pursuit of Shampoo like canon, though I suppose after 10 years he wouldn’t recognize her, and there’s been enough changes from canon that he might have never been chasing her]

He desperately fought the urge to kill

[This is strange…I’d think one would be at the forefront, does he want to kill her or sleep with her?]

“The Chinese Amazon culture is two thousand years old. I did some research on the subject. It was brought to China by Alexander the Great when his armies were about to march on India. The last remnants of the Greek Amazons tagged along on his conquests and instead of going home, broke off to settle in China. So spare me your propaganda, please.”

[That was actually pretty amusing…though I can’t remember her ever saying ‘four thousand’ in the series, it was always three thousand to my memory]

well then…,”

[The comma is unnecessary, the ellipsis can act as closing punctuation for dialog]

Chapter 5

The idea that Mousse would…wipe out the village…is preposterous. Just like the idea of a certain area in China having cursed springs

[This is petty nit-picking, the idea of Mousse being taken from a young age and coming back to slaughter the amazons _is_ rather unbelievable because it doesn’t strictly mesh with the rules of logic *in the context your story takes place*. Is Jusenkyo ridiculous? Yes, but that’s already been taken in suspense of disbelief (or your audience probably wouldn’t be reading in this section), trying to say ‘this is unlikely and that makes my thing more likely’ does not help your argument. Sure. Might Mousse be able to defeat all those elders? Possibly, particularly if he had surprise and more tricks like explosives that you hint at earlier]

thanks especially to his trump card…

[Things like this, and this paragraph, give much more strength to the idea of Mousse being able to not just survive but even win against amazon elders]

at her waiter/waitress Konatsu.

[He would be ‘waiter’, as he’s a male. Not even a Jusenkyo curse to confuse things]

“Then you also know that your waitress is actually a guy, right?”

[I know a few people made this mistake, but the NWC isn’t exactly the most perceptive bunch and making it seem like everyone tried to keep some secret of him not being a girl just doesn’t make sense to me]

The transvestite waitress

[Konatsu’s effeminate, not a transvestite]
Blissofai chapter 1 . 7/11/2008
omg, its so good. the only thing is that mousse and nabiki dont make a good couple. update soon!
Aramisol chapter 19 . 2/25/2008
OMG when I saw the chapter update I jumped up and danced around the room, screaming "YES! FINALLY! AFTER YEARS!"

I think I'll go and have a small party. With tea and booze.:)

I'm still leaping for joy. XD

D: Would more reviews bring more chapters? I'll go get my friends to first watch Ranma, then read this fanfic if that's what it takes. TT

Does this mean we wait for a few more years before the next chapter? D: Please no!
Requiem the Relentless chapter 19 . 2/19/2008
It is rare that I find a fanfiction focusing on a minor chacracter, and if I do find one, it is rare I am dissapointed.

This fanfiction is well written, although it's descriptive text is Spartan, and it is dialogue heavy. As a novel, this would falter, but given the medium it is acceptable.

Moving on to the plot, it is interesting, everyone is more or less in character (enough to make it feasible within the given conditions), and I find it a fascinating read. Bravo.
Deepdream chapter 19 . 2/19/2008
Amazing! I don't know how much time has passed since your last update but it's around a couple of years, isn't it?

Now, I really liked it. You have a great way of describing things and doing dialogues - these really contribute to the dark atmosphere of the story.

It's furthermore very interesting to get a good look at a man's life in the Amazon society and what the constant pressure can turn someone like Mousse into. I love this OOC-Mousse because he's dedicated to his goals and views them clearly instead of being blind to the obvious.

Hopefully you don't take nearly as much time as you did with this chapter writing the next one.

Thanks for updating,

katz chapter 19 . 2/18/2008
I apologize for the lack of clear separation of POV. Apparently html didn't recognize the dividers I placed in between different sections of the chapter. I'll have it fixed by the next installment.
Oyuki chapter 19 . 2/18/2008
yay! another chapter. i was so happy to see this! poor mousse. his life sucked as a child and they don't expect him to be all crazy and stuff. PLEASE have more soon!
Mathais chapter 19 . 2/18/2008
Um, wow. When I looked at my favorite, I didn't expect to see this pop at the top. I mean, you hadn't updated in years (though I can be blamed for the same). The thing is, the time gap has done wonders for your writing. When I look back at the old chapters, this one shines so beautifully; everything seems that much more complete, more fleshed out... It's like any small, rough patches have been sanded away. I love it. My only problem was the shifting between POV; I think it could have been better achieved, as having the third person through one character's eyes in one paragraph and a different person in the next is rather jarring. But, beyond that, I thank you for this excellent chapter, and I really want to see the reason for Mousse's change.
Blackdex chapter 18 . 5/6/2007
Good, but I am too tired to really judge past that. Ciao
DCWestby chapter 18 . 12/18/2006
Wow.. this is very much a story that should be continued.
BloodyFrost chapter 18 . 5/17/2006

This is such a GOOD story about Mousse and it looks to me that you discontinued this fic.

I want to know what happens next!

Your writing ability is excellent! One of the best I've seen so far.

It would be a total waste if you stopped now. Right in the middle of all the action too.

Please update... Please...
Aramisol chapter 18 . 4/10/2005
Still no update? ;_;
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