|Reviews for Reality|
| Ninjas Say Hi chapter 2 . 7/20
I know you have a thing for grammar, but the detail to much for a FanFiction not only this. Your characters seem to have no emotions, there for it gives me no reason to actually like the character.
Um, please don't judge my grammar Ive seen your stuff and you actually frighten me.
Your not a bad author, just that, you don't seem to be nice. Um... So, yeah, see ya.
| LeafeonLover chapter 7 . 2/6/2014
Interesting a bit different than the other stories I've read of yours but I'll keep reading of you keep u
| LeafeonLover chapter 1 . 2/4/2014
I hate deleting my save files feels like flushing all my hard work down the toilet that's why I never do it ;) once my yellow game got chewed up by the dog when I was little I cried a lot so I know how it feels to have your game deleted
| barber477 chapter 7 . 6/16/2013
Interesting story so far, i hope you continue it soon. also could you kind of explain whats going on in the story because im kind of confused, especially when i compare it to the description.
| FantasyGirl91 chapter 1 . 2/21/2013
| WAKEMEUPWAKEMEUPINSIDECANTWAK chapter 1 . 3/26/2011
Oh, so you happen to be the infamous reviewer around this section of Fanfiction, hm?
Pleasure to meet you.
See, I'm not much of a Pokemon FF reader in regular terms, but when I happen to do read a couple of stories that are actually pretty good, I seem to see a review coming from you stating the same thing (or, just the same concept) every time.
What kind of copy-n-paste tactic are you using? It's making you look like a flammer.
Which I think you are, considering you put pointless reviews critizising every little detail like each piece of Fanfiction is a MLA essay, and you write stuff like this, in which I feel no attachment to whatsoever.
This character has almost no emotion, no feelings. Nothing that I can sense and say "Oh, she must be sad." Sure, you use adjetives abundantly through the first chapter. The only chapter that I actually took the time to read and to see if you were a master authoress or along the lines of that. As if you indeed had a reason to put down these authors, trying to make them better. Unfortunately, no. If this type of writing is the stuff you wish to see, then you have a particularly bland taste in reading. Bluntly enough, this is one of the worst I've seen. Below wannabe troll stories.
Good day to you, ma'am.
| Moriko no Hikari chapter 7 . 2/22/2011
...My friends don't like you-as-a-person. I don't know, I've never spoken to you. But, I think I like you-as-a-writer.
| sharpieaddictinactive chapter 7 . 7/6/2010
When I'm reading this, I kinda feel like I'm asleep. Wonderful.
| MidnightSaboteur chapter 4 . 1/5/2010
Aw, I said "interesting things"! Thank you! :D I kind of paused because I noticed this was written and last updated years and years ago, so I didn't think it was really necessary (I figured with your more mature eye, you could catch the mistakes I was mentioning without anyone pointing them out if you wanted to edit it), but since you wanted to "capitalize on the anon reviewer presence"... And yes, I got another account after seven years just because of you.
\Outside, Alison saw the girls from earlier had disappeared. She wondered which of them had won. She wondered if they had simply vanished when she went inside and ceased watching. There wasn't anyone else around, which wasn't too odd - the other girls seemed to be grouping inside the building, at least for the moment. She could understand that - grouping together was the first thing people would do.\
But where are all the boys? she thought. After all, genders of the NPCs were fairly evenly divided, if not leaning toward the male side, and she hadn't seen one yet.
\Supplies. This town, or collection of buildings (well, that was town, wasn't it, in the game?) had food and rooms. It must have supplies as well. Every town had a 'mart.\
'That was a town'? And I want to say something about 'mart' being an actual word so you don't need the apostrophe, but then I figure every town doesn't just have any old mart, it has a pokémart and the apostrophe reflects that, so never mind.
\She headed along the street, which was not a street but more of an extended sidewalk with nothing to be beside, passing two buildings with no doors, turned a corner, and saw a promising building before her. It had a full glass door and large windows, making her think of a convenience store. Momentarily she reflected that the ones in the games should look different, but squashed the thought as inconvenient. If she complained about something like that, she'd just wind up having to look for another store.\
Another store that... she thinks would look more similar to the ones in the games? Eh, maybe this is just dreamlogic and I shouldn't question it. Also, 'headed', 'passing' and 'turned' violate some kind of parallelism.
\(It occurred to her suddenly that she shouldn't rule anything out. It occurred to her just as suddenly that she shouldn't even be trying to figure out possibilities, because in dreams you must never wonder at the answer. It only overwrites the original answer and becomes the truth and the reality is forever unknown.)\
3, just 3. Truly, precisely and exactly.
\There were pokeballs stacked on the shelves, arranged on orange-large resting depressions like eggs.\
'Orange-large'? 'Large orange resting' is how I'd order it.
\"Will my items be there?" she said to herself. She hadn't checked a computer.
\After a second, she realized she didn't usually carry healing items anyway, so it was a moot point, and she swept off a shelf into her bag. There weren't any other items.\
'There'? Mm, after a bit of thought I understand she means 'in her PC', but wouldn't it be 'here', for the world in general?
And... she didn't carry healing items with her... but how does that make whether or not there are items in her PC moot? I'd understand if she was saying she put healing items in her PC, but she didn't have access to her PC, so whether or not the items remained was a moot point... which is what is being said, only in a wordier, roundabout way, so never mind.
(Also it kind of seems like a whole shelf of potions would be a lot to fit in her bag, but who knows what with the x99 thing still possibly being in play.)
This review has a lot of backtracking, but just because it's a good chapter! It's easier to be decisive with lesser-quality writing.
\She moved on to the next aisle and blinked once in surprise. It looked like a normal store. Bags which looked like the large-size cat food ones piled atop one another, sides pressed together irregularly, not neatly aligned and spaced like the potions.\
A normal store that has pet food, at least. Most supermarkets do but most convenience stores don't - at least not whole shelves of it, and not the 'large-size' bags. Although apparently your idea of a large-size bag is much different than mine; while I don't own a cat I do own two labs, and we buy two and a half foot tall forty pound bags, the biggest they have. Considering Alison's not mentioning struggling under the weight, and can again fit it into her Bag of Holding, I figure this 'large-size bag' is smaller than that. I don't know, I've never owned a cat! So tell me what cat food looks like.
\"Hey!" he said when he up to her. "I thought so. You're like me, aren't you?"\
He accidentally the whole up to her :B
\She hadn't been thinking about that, so it took her a moment. She scrutinized him. He looked fourteen or fifteen, with a loud green shirt and duller pants that looked somewhat like jeans but might not have been. He didn't look like anyone she'd seen, she realized.\
The first guy, for one thing.
\"You don't look like you'll be too strong if you've got a regular pokemon like a persian on your team... but you'll still be more interesting than fighting one of those boring AI trainers. I could've fought them any time on Stadium without pokemon being real." He tossed a sphere she recognized suddenly as the purplish color of a masterball. "GO, Moltres!" he screamed exuberantly.\
Hm, assuming he didn't open it before or else this would've happened before, I wonder how he was so certain it was a moltres. I guess he only had one handheld and only caught one pokémon in that one master ball...? Or maybe this is a Stadium moltres, and it's not obeying him because in-universe he doesn't have any gym badges! Hm this is just speculation don't mind me.
\Weird, she thought distantly, how she'd only noticed how unnaturally quiet everything was normally after the moltres' angry screams.\
Eh? She noticed it earlier. What about the whole birdsong in a parking lot bit?
\"I guess I should keep my masterballs shut then," she said thoughtfully.\
When I first read this I thought this was really misanthropic and heartless - she just saw someone killed in front of her! - but then reading on, she considers him just another bit of dream dust taken form, same as the moltres or the buildings, so it makes sense that she'd think more about herself than him.
\She was reminded of the joke about the economist, logician and mathematician describing cows. Although who was she supposed to use? In those jokes it was always the engineer with the practical view, and there wasn't one in that joke.\
Hm, I'm not sure what she's talking about... but it doesn't lose all its meaning, just a little bit.
\Seven canons, she thought then. Game, show, mangas. Card game. She'd been thinking in terms of the game.\
This definitely needs expanding, as until I read that particular Unoriginality chapter I had no clue what she was counting as a canon and what she wasn't. Mentioned is the four main-series games, animé, 'manga', and card game to make seven, right? But there's also all the spinoffs - Ranger; Mystery Dungeon; Trozei, Colosseum/XD; hell, even the GBC TCG (Stadium and Channel and such could easily fit into any other canon, so we won't count those). The animé is the animé and the tcg is the tcg, I suppose, but there's Viz and Special/Adventure with regards to manga, each of which take completely separate paths. And this is only considering things released in America!
Disregarding those and thinking only of the main-series games and animé is a bit like disregarding space aliens and shrinking rays and jumping straight to 'rapture'.
\She thought back to the white and gray pokeballs in her bag, the black ponyta. Eight canons.\
... um, okay. I don't know what she's thinking of here... monochrome games? I'd just think 'hm, the ponyta doesn't seem to fit into any of those', but maybe she can think of one. Ooh, maybe it's the Viz manga's Lara Laramie's! :p Just kidding, more random speculation.
\And she got a hold of herself, and calmed, because it was as it was as it was, and as she did this she dumped the pokeballs from her bag so the marble-sized things rolled into the grass and it was as it was as it was she told herself as her hands moved rapidly over the pile, identifying each at a touch, and it was already but Schrodinger's cat - cat she almost laughed except she couldn't open her mouth as she tried to not think, to panic and not panic, wish and accept.\
So they are minimized, then. And yeah I don't have the slightest idea of what she's looking for. Maybe the aforementioned trading glitched scizor?
\She doubled over, crouching on the ground with her arms pressed tightly into her stomach, wanting to scream. "He has to be here," she whispered instead. "I put him in I put him in even, I mentioned him he has to be with the rest. He has to be here!" she screamed finally. Teddy's warmth was there against her side and she hugged him as she hated herself for resenting that he was the one there.\
This would probably be more stunning if I knew what the heck she was talking about. Given her reaction to 'cat' and to Teddy, I guess it has something to do with a cat, but she says she "mentioned him and put him in with the rest" and I don't remember anything like that.
And wow, maybe my previous assumption about the boy was off, because it wouldn't make sense for her to regard him as an insignificant piece of dream dust and then go absolute batshit over another supposed dream-thingy whatever it is.
\Legendaries in pokeballs, she thought dimly. Multiples. Moltres. Ho-oh.
... Okay, so it has something to do with a ho-oh. That doesn't really have much to do with a cat or Teddy. So confused.
| Midnight chapter 3 . 12/16/2009
/Teddy didn't make any move to follow, something she was glad off./
Of. Or for. Or "She appreciated it when Teddy made no move to follow." or something.
/She had not been there before, but she knew what it must have looked like. Concrete and concrete and metal poles growing from the ground, metal girders visible where the ground cracked, the false roots of the false plants. Black asphalt for ground that baked shimmering in the sun so that the air tasted of oil and made her think of tar pits. And in small places exposed dirt, dull and brown and lifeless, like cuts in a corpse./
I like this bit too. Call me a sucker for descriptive-without-being-overly-flowery description.
/It was nothing like the hiking trails she’d seen, where the dirt had been worn away until it was nothing but stones and scarred tree roots, all that was left after the constant pointless pilgrimages across them./
I also like these hints that she's an outdoorsy girl without coming out and telling you. Here and the bit with the pots and canteens.
/The green was dark enough to fall into, the sunlight where it reached the ground thin sheets of translucent gold. Moss filled the gaps between the few short blades of soft emerald grass, the thick mat sending up small reddish stalks, a dust of color over the different shades of green. She had never seen a forest like this./
This review is going to end up more fangirly than criticis...y. This whole chapter just really improves on the little details that the others lacked, and it's really great because of it.
/What did it say about her that her first thought was to jump off the path, crouch against the ground behind the thick leaves, avoid whoever was coming? But although she tensed for a second, as if to, she thought that she should see what else was there./
The 'as if to'... I understand what you mean, but it feels half-said. Reword.
/She had seen him do with before when he heard something new, and didn't think anything of it./
'Do with'? Do it, maybe?
/Maybe they were all mixed at it was only coincidence this was the only she met, or maybe she had it all wrong, this wasn't like the game at all./
'Mixed at it'? 'Mixed, and it', maybe?
/"Then let's try it!" screamed one, her voice carrying on the wind to Alison, the sound strange with all of the subtler inflections stripped out. As she approached she saw their faces. The both of them had almost drugged expressions, bright eyes and an exaggerated nearly clumsy way of moving. They looked like exhausted, hyperactive toddlers. Alison skirted around them, one hand resting on Teddy's back, as, laughing so hard they shook, they threw out their pokeballs./
(comma after 'approached', 'exaggerated', 'clumsy'; omit the 'the' before 'both') This is the first sign of human contact she's seen, and she doesn't want to talk to them, or even see what pokémon they have? She spent more time investigating the buildings, for chrissakes.
/Other girls, Alison realized after she returned, having made her way quickly through towards the door marked 'Rooms' and depositing Teddy in an empty one before anything could happen./
What... would happen? She doesn't have enough /information/, she just separated herself from her only real form of protection (yes, she has the poké balls, but even before the event with the boy I'd think she'd still be hesitant) from an unknown, possibly hostile world; I'd like to see her reasoning behind it. Does she think the girls will... freak out at the sight? That Teddy would attack someone? They both seem implausible, and her thought process isn't immediately obvious, so.
/She closed her eyes an instant, feeling slightly tired./
"She thought again of mirages and miracles that disappeared when you look away, and for a moment she was scared of closing her eyes."
She's not still afraid the dream might shift and change? Or perhaps this contrast between the her from before is a subtle signal that she's beginning to forget it's a dream. Or something.
/"Your hair is brown," the girl said, as if it were obvious./
Er. I'd think it was obvious?
/Alison hadn't much wanted to talk either./
Again, she's... unnatural in her unwillingness to find out more about the world around her. This particular girl may not be the best chatting companion, but I'd think some of the first words out of her mouth would be "Where did you come from? What do you know about this place? Why the heck aren't there any doors in the buildings?" Sure, she might look like someone just out of the psych ward, but she might sooner be a well-informed crazy.
/The food, absurdly, was Chinese./
I want Chinese now :(
| Midnight chapter 2 . 12/11/2009
/Alison's eyes half opened. Still mostly asleep, she gazed at her room through her lashes, everything blurred and hazy./
'Opened halfway'? 'Everything appearing blurred'? (really you should ignore these nitpicky bits, they're just part of your writing style and that's cool...)
/She started to kneel down by the pile, then stood to get socks. The air was cold, and so was the wood of the floor./
You just said they were on a rug. Was the rug not large enough to hold her too? (Incidentally, I've never in my admittedly limited experience ever seen a noncarpeted bedroom, but I can believe she has one!) Also, considering she believes it to be a lucid dream, I'd think the first thing she'd try would be to imagine some socks on herself (which would presumably happen, given the later expounded-upon flux of the setting), unless... she just wouldn't think of that idk.
/But there were a lot. Were they hers? She hadn't - she couldn't have trained this many./
Trained, no; caught...? Presumably we're still considering the Gold game only; from what she said before and later, I think she has at least one or two games where she could've caught them all. Unless it really is an ungodly number like over a thousand or something, who's to say all those pokémon aren't a collection of all of them? Some random round number would help visualizing these - definitely more than two hundred, maybe around four hundred, something like that. How tall is the pile? Given that she has to kneel to reach it, I'd assume it's a pile of minimized ones, but then in just a bit when she opens one and maximizing isn't mentioned, so maybe not? Little details put meat on the story!
/There were probably others, fastballs and greatballs and timerballs and all of those, but so few of them they probably weren't visible. And there was something else, odd pokeballs that she couldn't quite see...
Delete the second 'probably', and change the second 'odd' to 'strange' or something for less repeating.
/She suddenly realized that its body was the wrong color, not white like it was supposed to be/
Then what was it? I assume it was a shiny, but it could be /any/ color besides white (and I think shiny ponyta are still white but with blue flame anyway... but don't quote me). Maybe a sentence like "She was sure that wasn't a shiny - it was the wrong color, and she knew she hadn't caught any shiny ponyta anyway" while somewhere working in the color.
/for some reason she found it a relief that the sheepskin was still yellow, not white and pink./
I don't get it?
/For some reason, they didn't open as they knocked together, and when she realized the possibility herself after a few iterations, she thought that if it was going to happen it would have, so she continued as she had been./
Could way be reworded into something less clunky, redundant, and not using 'for some reason' twice and 'iterations' at all.
/She 'tnsk'ed to get his attention, pulling her tongue from the roof of her mouth to produce the sound./
The second clause could be deleted; we know what 'tsk'ing sounds like.
/As he ambled out of her room she went to the basement, retrieving her sleeping bag and the stacked camping pot set that had never been used, as well as a couple of canteens. Teddy stood at the top of the stairs, looking at her, and she hurried back up.
The sleeping bag could be fastened to the outside of the backpack with the straps. She filled the canteens, attached them to the outside as well, and put the pots inside. Food... she wasn't sure what to do about food. She took the box of sugary trail mix bars, a container of beef jerky, the bag of sugar-coated blueberries, and, thinking of how sick she'd get from all the sugar, a box of cereal. She knew her choices weren't exactly right, but she didn't know what else to pick. She figured it'd be okay for the moment. She could buy some once she left. And she picked up a box of cat food for Teddy./
This is where I lost that sense of relating to my own dreams. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't think of survival at all if I thought I was dreaming that pokémon were real. Considering her first encounter with the ponyta, I can understand why she wouldn't open poké balls willy-nilly in fear of jolting herself awake from shock, but not why she wouldn't dash outside without hesitation to see what else it had in store for her.
On the plus side, you list these - perfectly reasonable - items without it feeling like a boring list.
| Midnight chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
Hello! I was linked to farla. ?thread731353#t731353 by a friend of Negrek's on an IRC channel, then began reading your utterly hilarious reviews, then found my way here. I've always had a soft spot for these sort of stories - for at least the past ten years, nearly as far back as I can remember, I too have wished with all my heart to be 'transported into the Pokémon dimension' - so I decided to begin reading with this one. Anyway, without further ado, enjoy an amazingly nitpicky review by someone who's only reviewed fic like twice and who abuses ellipses and semicolons like they were going out of style. Huzzah?
I've noticed you never do the é in pokémon or related terms. As long as you're consistent, and we know what you mean, I guess it's okay... but is there a reason?
/I am also accepting character submissions for this story. Please see my profile for more details./
Look, you really shouldn't ask for... ;3 You're handling them well - I had forgotten about this bit until after I read the story and came back - but it comes off as fairly hypocritical.
/She dropped the chain of thought, another thing she did each time it came up, retrieving her gameboy from the table as she headed back to the chair. The gold cartridge was already in it./
Another 'as long as it's consistent' bit is the capitalisation of 'gameboy'... I understand, the way it's being used here, that it's not referring to the ye olde original nor the brand name... but I always call mine 'the Advance', 'the SP', 'the DS', etc., and not specifying makes me have to guess at shape and colour.
Speaking of colour, I would say 'the gold/-coloured/ cartridge', as when I first read it, I thought to myself 'is she not capitalising the game names either?'
/She hit A, trying to get through the call as quickly as possible so she could continue on. But then nothing seemed to happen./
/Yet so far things seemed fine./
/The sprite was dropped off in front of Elm. A text box appeared, the letters glitched. Alison hit A and new words appeared. FARLA received MYSTERY EGG it said./
Real nitpicky things (I don't often review, so I'm probably doing it wrong :x): the 'then' could be omitted, or the second sentence could be reworded so as not to begin with 'but' or use 'but' again so soon; I'd add a comma after 'far' (there are a lot of times coming up where I'd sprinkle in more commas); and I'd like to see a minor reaction between a glitched text box showing up and her moving on. (If it were me, I'd do something like mumble 'frick frick frick' under my breath.) This is what she was just worried about, after all. Also I'd add a comma after 'egg'.
/Hitting START she went to check if she'd actually gotten the egg and didn't see it. Huh. Oh well. She left the lab and then went to her pokemon team to FLY to Mt. Silver.
The egg was there, filling up the fifth spot on her team. It was still called MYSTERY EGG. That was weird./
(commas after 'start', 'egg', 'lab'; omit 'then'; maybe replace 'went' with 'viewed') Here, I became pretty confused. I /think/ she's confused because she had a full team of eggs and a fearow, and wondered how she could recieve it? If I'm wrong, maybe that (how many were in her party, etc) could be elaborated on. Also if it were me I'd probably talk to Elm again and see what he had to say, and if it was just the plain old 'i chek ur dex' speech, that could add some oomph to what she was just saying about canned dialogue.
[s]Also also, what was she doing in the first sentence if not checking her pokémon team?[/s] Scratch that, reading yet again... is she checking her team inside, not seeing the mystery egg, checking outside, and seeing it then? I guess I get it then, but I'd reword that to mention she was checking her team the first time too. Could get confusing.
/Huh?/ it asked. She agreed. Was the egg hatching? The third generation addition of bad eggs flashed into her mind suddenly, but she reminded herself that wasn't in Gold and the only what was programmed in could happen./
a) I laughed out loud; b) I'd say 'suddenly flashed into her mind'...; c) 'Gold, and /that/ only what...'.
/Later, in the darkness, Alison found herself awake suddenly, tears in her eyes. She had been dreaming. In her dream, there had been another world, or perhaps just another part of the world, like the fairy kingdoms underneath hills. When you were there, anything you wanted could be found, everything could happen. She had found it once, when she was younger, but she had left and forgotten and when she remembered she couldn't find the way back. When you were there, anything you wanted could be found, everything could happen, but when you left you left for the old world where there wasn't any magic to make things right and once things were lost they stayed lost./
I love this bit a lot, especially the 'fairy kingdoms'. The mood shift works well for ending the chapter, and it was the first bit on the theme of dreaming that continues to flow so well throughout this fic. I really feel I can relate to how she dreams and meta-dreams, like... well, I'll fangirl more over the specifics when we get there. Just saying that this 'Peter Panning' really hits home, and is written perfectly.
(... 'Cept I might move 'suddenly' before 'awake'; add commas after 'forgotten', 'remembered', 'when you left', 'world', 'right', and 'were lost'; and split both 'everything could happen's into their own sentences. :B)
| tatewaki2000 chapter 7 . 12/5/2009
Bwahahaha. Yes! May the evil Mary Sue stereotypes take over the world!
Okay then, now to the review! :3
Overall, an okay fic.
It has some original aspects to it like the PokeMart and the npc factor and the killing of the boy into a burnt donut.
...this story FEELS like a messy free write.
Different actions and different thoughts are smashed together in the same paragraph.
And TIME seems to be inconstant. (I can't tell how much of it is passing by)
And...and...and...I can't help but feel that this story will become really, really, really boring.
For example, your chapters are unbalanced. Making the possibility of actual actions happening die a slow painful death!
Self-reflection is important, but too a certain degree! For example, this chapter is ONLY thoughts. It feels as if for your search for "surrealism" you've suffocated any possibility of plot.
I mean...your possible plot (in my POV) is Alison trying to not be conformed by "Mary Sue's," girls with overactive/idealistic imaginations.
(IMPORTANT POINT! By having Alison as the ONLY as the normal/dull/realistic one, you've made me dislike the character immediately.
Reasons: One, it makes you seem too egotistical. i.e. You are the sane one when everyone is insane. note: your turning yourself into a cliche...that's not well justified.
Two, you've indirectly insulted and overemphasized the amount of people who actually write Mary Sues that way.
note: it's a silly stereotype. Nothing more, nothing less.)
-takes deep breath- ;)
...and in that plot...you will probably want to find a way back home. How dull. (in my POV)
In sum, Twilight possibly has more action than this fic.
BUT...but...but..please remember, your fic still has promise and potential.
you have a fun idea, but please do not suffocate this work with just thinking and analyzing. Please blend it in better.
And of course. ;) This is only my opinion. (one reader) XP Good luck with your writing!
your stereotypical fanfic reader
| tatewaki2000 chapter 6 . 12/5/2009
Wow...you're laying Mary Sue stereotype a bit too thick.
-stares at Alison's hair-
ZOMG IT'S TURNING PINK!
There everything is balanced out.
| tatewaki2000 chapter 4 . 12/5/2009
You killed him! XD
Wow. Didn't see that coming. :)