|Reviews for To Be in Error|
| Deliciously Delirious chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
Okay, there are some major problems here. This is me being a super-critic.
One, you put absolutely nothing relevant to the plot in your summary, just an overly-lengthy warning about it being slash. Two, your grammar and spelling suck. Three, you jump from past-tense to present-tense in every sentence. Four, you have awful sentencing; run-ons have infested your work. Five, Andros feels eternally grateful to Zhane for saving his life, and if anything, was terrified that he wouldn't wake up. NOT pissed at him for leaving him alone. And six, did you even review or revise this? Look back at what you had written just to see if it flowed?
Try harder next time. Please.
| Rockinrobbien chapter 1 . 7/31/2010
thanks for writing this even though i just found this after all these years. I enjoyed reading this Andros was my favorite ranger and i liked zhane too but back then i never knew what slash was and now i do so now i seen him in a whole new light:)
| Murderbynuns chapter 1 . 6/26/2008
I like sticks not boxes LOL I loved that well done
| Angel Negra chapter 1 . 6/22/2005
Not bad, but you could do better. First, I suggest that in your summary, you summarize the story, the slash warning is nice, but rather over the top.
Secondly, I reccomend getting yourself a beta.
You've made a decent attempt at a plot, and the core idea of it is a good one. A little cliched, but if you put some serious work into it, you can make that work for you rather than against you.
You should have some sort of marker for shifting in between scenes. It makes it harder to read the story when the scene just shifts.
You do a lot of telling, rather than showing. You tell us about Astronema's plan, you tell us about the fight, you tell us about Zhane fixing Andros. You could make this story really come alive if you *showed* us. Show us Zhane, who's just regained consciousness, who's panicked and scrambling through the rubble, trying to find what he needs to keep his best friend from bleeding to death. Let us feel the panic with him. Let us feel TJ's frustrations during the fight, his worry over his team mates, etc.
As your story stands now, in having to just tell us what happened off screen (like the fight, the message) you've got a lot of run-on sentences. They 're awkward and don't let the reader into the story.
You also skip over a lot of important scenes, like battles, repairs, Andros and Zhane's build of a relationship. It moves the story along too quickly.
One last thing. Ashley. To the best of my knowledge (I've missed some PRiS eps) by the time Zhane was awakened, Ashley and Andros were dating. Or at the very least, taking the first steps. You're going to have to take that into account.
All in all, it's a good first start. You have the potential to do better, and I hope you try.