|Reviews for Daughter of the Republic|
| Lutheus chapter 12 . 7/27/2005
I'm sorry but I can't give you a thumbs up. Only two thumbs will do this story justice.
| WizardWriter86 chapter 12 . 7/27/2005
"Thumbs up." That was easy. But seriously, it's nice too see Jerica/Kirn finally being nice to each other, and Kirn realizing that he cares about her. Oh, and the way they escaped was great, "How good are you at disguise?" I don't think he should try to be a spy. Update soon.
| Stelmaria chapter 12 . 7/27/2005
It was so good! *squeals* Just what I was waiting for! Yay! Now the rest of my day can be happy! (looks at the finger mysteriously stuck over the ! button) This chapter totally cracked me up. "It wasn’t in his nature to hide by standing in the enemy’s presence . . . dressed like a handmaiden, Ugh." LOLOLOLOLOLOL "Suddenly, Warrick forgot what he was thinking about it. He looked over the crowd that stood before him, but nothing caught his attention. Hmm." Oh, you have no need to worry.. it was great. And finally a fluffy moment at the safe house. How perfect. It was sad at the end, but it adds to the drama in a nice sort of way. And it's also cute how Jerrica doesn't include Kirn in the 'everything' that she's lost. :P Just a final question. Kirn seems to harbour unusual hatred for Palpetine. Is it because of what happened to the Jedi.. or something more? This must be part of the hidden history of his Uncle! (Or else I'm imagining things O.O )
| Manda chapter 10 . 7/25/2005
| Stelmaria chapter 11 . 7/25/2005
Wow! Did you see that review by JonWilhoit? That was amazing! The longest review that I have EVER read. But I'm glad your fanfic is starting to get some recognition, it deserves it. This chapter was short but sweet. A pleasure, as always. I'm anxiously awaiting Kirn's escape in a handmaiden dress!
| WizardWriter86 chapter 11 . 7/24/2005
The story's doing great. But one question is still unanswered (well, actually there are a lot of unanswered questions, which is why there is still a story) what happened to Kirn on Coruscant that makes him think that he might be destined to be a Sith? I hope we find out in the next chapter or two. Update soon. (By the way, make Luke and Kirn meet! You told me that they were going to, way back when you were writing chapter four.) Anyway, the story is great. I don't know why more people don't review. You write really compelling characters and well thought-out plots. Keep going, you're doing great.
| WizardWriter86 chapter 8 . 7/22/2005
hey, lady kelina, as I've said, I like this story. Don't get to caught up on worrying about the grammer side of things. You've only a made few mistakes, but the story is good so I can forgive that. Haha, anyway, You're doing what you do best, interesting characters and insane plots that ARE NOT predictable. (Finally!)It's original, a rare thing. Keep going. Update soon.
| JonWilhoit chapter 1 . 7/21/2005
Well, here I am as promised. Before I start with the reviews, I just want to tell you about my reviewing style-I'm of the opinion that this forum exists not only for us to showcase our writing, but also to improve our writing through critiques from other writers. A lot of people around here don't seem to think the same way, but as long as I can hold a pen in my hand, I'm going to give people detailed reviews with possible corrections and suggestions. You man not like all of them-hell, you most assuredly won't like all of them-but if I don't give you honest feedback with this review, I'm not doing my job. Now with that little explanation out of the way, lets get this thing started.
First off, I'd like to say that this is probably one of the most underrated Star Wars fics I've seen on To have 10 chapters and only 9 reviews with this kind of writing is a shame, but then again, most of the people who write fanfiction have no taste (that's right, I said it!) and rehash old characters with tired old plots and slash pairings that make no sense. This one is different. You use an original main character in a plot that hasn't been already been visited more times than a vietnamese whore house. It shows that you're a mature writer, at least, more mature than most of the people that congregate on and you do have talent with writing.
I do have to say that your main character seems very similar to Liea, though I haven't read the whole story, so I can't say it's true or not beyond my own first impressions. But with that overall statement, I'll get into the nuts and bolts of my review.
"Jerica inclined her head, noticing the weight of her decorated hairpiece entwined in her brown hair, as she moved into a position at the front of the senate pod." This sentence sounds a bit weird to me-the whole "noticing the weight of her hairpiece" part, because it seems to me she'd notice it anyway and wouldn't really be an issue if she's been wearing it all day. Plus, the syntax is a little screwy, so I'd suggest changing it to this. "Jerica inclined her head and adjusted the decorative hairpiece entwined in her brown hair as she moved into a position at the front of th esenate pod." It retains the basic gist of the sentence without sounded discombobulated like it did earlier-at least, to me anyway. Whatever you decide to do, you don't need the comma after "hair."
"A hush fell over the enormous room, but the Emperor appeared to be unaffected by her announcement. “Long ago, the Empire was promised to be created for the galaxies’ protection.” Her pleading, brown-eyed, gaze moved across the expanse of senators, “Is that not what we gave up liberty for?”" You need to make the first sentence a separate paragraph because it doesn't describe anything Jerica is doing. Then, merge the following sentences in the paragraph with the next paragraph, because both are composed mainly of dialogue from jerica and cover basically the same thought.
"In the promises of our Emperor..." shouldn't that be "On the promises..."?
"Danger, injustice, and trouble plauge our worlds." trouble sounds really elementary with the other three words in the series. Perhaps "unrest" would work better?
"primitives are destroyed." I know what you're saying, but this sounds a bit vague. Perhaps "primitive peoples are being wiped out" would work better.
"I doubt you wish to be labeled as misguided." This sentence, to me, doesn't seem to fit and really doesn't add anything new to the dialogue. I would suggest deleting it entirely.
"I suggest you go back to your district..." is district the right word here? If you are referring to her home world, the section of space that she represents, the correct Star Warsie term would be "sector."
"Are you saying that my safety would be threatened." Need a question mark at the end of the sentence.
I'll take this moment to address something I've noticed throughout the story that kinda bothers me-that is, the scene shifts that happen frequently. It's not the shifts themselves that bother me, but rather the syntax you use to represent them. The published standard (though I know this isn't published, but bare with me) is to have a gap between scenes, sometimes with a few stars or a line or something of that nature. since you can't make a wider gap with the editing software on I suggest centering a couple of stars, or putting a line across to denote a scene change. The bold-face type works to that end, but when I first started reading, it took me a minute to catch on to what you were doing.
"Truth is rarely welcomed on Coruscant." Nothing wrong with this one. It's just a great line. I thought I'd point it out.
"I don't underestimate him." Would it sound better as "Don't underestimate him," more like a warning than a rebuttle? I think it would.
The paragraphs beginning "Oh my daughter" and "you have the spirit of a warrior" need to be combined into one paragraph.
"I don't want to loose my daughter." The correct word here is "lose" and would you want to say "only daughter"? For some reason that seems more organic to me.
"leave her beautiful homeworld for the arena that was Coruscant." The use of a "to-be" verb here kind of throws off the flow. something like "the politcal arena on Coruscant" or "Coruscant's politcal arena," would flow better.
"Startled by the summons tone, she shook her head." The way you introduce the door chime is really awkward here. Perhaps you could change it to read:
"The door chime sounded from the office foyer"
"'Another Visitor,' she thought with a sigh."
It's not a major thing by any means, but the rest of the scene flows beautifully until you get to this passage. It's like you just kind of threw it out there as something that the audience should already know instead of describing it.
"Openly questioning the Emperor is not the tactic that is most favored." Again, the extra "to-be" verb kind of throws off the flow of the sentence. "Openly questioning the Emperor is not the most favored tactic in the diplomatic community" might sound a bit better.
"Senator Mollon couldn't believe how flippant she sounded." In my opinion, you don't really need this statement. Up until this point, the point of view has been focused on Jerica. There's no real reason you would need to include internal thoughts from Mollon.
"I do understand. Perhaps I am the only one in the senate..." The progression of this sentence doesn't sound very natural. How about" I do understand. I understand that I am the only one in the senate..."
"If I am truly in a compromising position, it occurs to me Senator, that by coming to meet me, you are putting yourself at risk." This sentence is really out of context from the rest of the conversation, just as the next sentence "I appreciate your advice, but I must retire now," which basically just cuts the scene off right there. It seems like you just got tired of writing there and decided to end things, whether the story warranted it or not. You should probably restructure things a bit and add a little more dialogue to make the conversation seem a bit more natural and flowing.
"Briefly, the consideration of making Naboo the first planet to be destroyed came to mind." This use of passive voice doesn't sound as good as "The Emperor briefly considered destroying Naboo first, but he dismissed the thought as quickly as it had come to mind. The planet still had its uses."
Also, as a general type of thing, did you intentionally leave out all contractions from the dialogue in this chapter. There's nothing at all wrong with it, I was just wondering. If that was a little nuance you were using to make the world of coruscant seem more rigid and inflexible, I'd say good job. It's amazing how those little tiny syntax things can go a long way in portraying the story the way you want to.
Whew, okay. I'm done for now. I hope you don't mind all of the suggestions and stuff, but even more than that, I hope at least some of them help you to improve your writing. As always, feel free to disregard any or all of the advice contained herein, or tell me to buzz off if I just annoyed the hell out of you with this review.
No matter what you decide to do, I'll continue to read because this is a wonderful story with lots of promise. If you ever get bored, I have a Shadowrun story in the works that could use some good reviewers, but I don't want you to feel in any way obligated to read-just throwing it out there as a shameless plug.
I look forward to reading the next chapter, and until you hear from me again, take care and good luck with your writing.
| Manda chapter 9 . 7/21/2005
love it! Keep writing! I want to know what happens next. Kirn is so great and I really want to know what happens to him.
| Stelmaria chapter 10 . 7/20/2005
Did our little Kirn have a bad experience with the dark side? There is most definately a story there. Or does it have to do with the death of his Uncle? I wonder. It was fun reading about the planet core, for some reason that is one of my favorite Star Wars places. And what do you mean, "There is nothing you can do." What a crock. She should set a few grenades, or send Kirn to kill the weirdo governor. That would turn him into a Darth. :) I'm still waiting for the Mountain Retreat scene. lol Or maybe they could visit her mother's grave together. She would have been buried on Naboo, right? Fluffy moments!
| WizardWriter86 chapter 10 . 7/20/2005
It's getting more interesting. Kirn nearly getting killed as a kid is a nice touch, and I bet we're going to find out the real reason why Kirn refuses to be known as a Jedi. He and Luke are going to meet real soon aren't they? Jerica's cool. Got to admire a chick with convictions.
| Stelmaria chapter 9 . 7/15/2005
The Defender...cool. I bet it's just like the Ebon Hawk, right? Or maybe not, considering you made it sound like a bucket of bolts. lol And why does her name sound so familiar to Kirn. They're not long lost brother and sister, are they? If that happens I'm afraid I'll have to stick Darth Maul, Darth Tyrannius AND Darth Vader on you. :P What fun and adventure awaits them on Naboo? It would be cool if they got to go through the planet core, like in TPM. Or maybe there will be another attempt on her life? Then they get to go away to a mountain retreat, Like Ani and Padme. Woohoo! Update soon, and have fun writing!
| WizardWriter86 chapter 9 . 7/14/2005
I like the Jerica/Kirn relationship, but I'm a little concerned with how you ended this. Are you foreshadowing, Jerica's fate, or is she upset because her mother died that way? Also, I think that Luke and Kirn should meet, I mean their both 'jedi'. Why haven't they met yet?
| Stelmaria chapter 8 . 7/14/2005
Wow! This is such a great story! I don't think I've ever read a story with such interesting original characters. They are quite fascinating. Your plot is excellent as well. It follows the trilogy but stays original, which is very hard to do. I'm impressed. This story deserves way more than 3 reviews! People can't appreciate a story that doesn't involve the normal characters in the normal situations. I love Kirn, he's my fav. Will he and Luke ever get a chance to spar? He gets to meet Yoda, right? He deserves to. And maybe he'll get his revenge on Vader. What about the ship he owns? Does it have a name? He and Jerica should go to Naboo together, then he can prove his stuff! Woah, I need to slow down... Too much caffine on the brain. But, jeez, that was a fun read! Update soon, or I shall be forced to stick Darth maul on you!
| Manda chapter 7 . 7/12/2005
Love the story, but I'd like to hear more of Kirn's story too. I loved reading about his background. :)
Also, it's interesting about Jerica's mom, but a little frustrating that we keep getting only bits and pieces of information about her. Oh well, I suppose you have reason for that. :) Anyway, I'll keep reading and see where this goes. Keep writing.