Reviews for Alternative Ending to Minority Report
JustUptownFuckMeUp chapter 1 . 10/16/2010
Not bad. My dad and I recently watched Minority Report, and I greatly enjoyed it. As the previous review stated, I agree that this seemed a bit choppy. Lots of detail, my English teacher is always saying. Detail is good. Even if it sometimes seems over-the-top, there is never too much detail in a single piece. For instance, describe what people look like, what they are feeling, what the night feels like, the reactions of the crowd, motives and history. Everything could be improved, but this was definitely not bad. I have seen much worse. I truly believe you could be great at writing if you took your time. If you are not satisfied with how it turned out, you could always go back over it. Revise and edit; I do that with my own stories and am constantly finding something or other that I am not completely happy with.

Be careful with age on the Internet. You never know who is out there. Just a warning, though. Oops, though now that I look, this was posted five years ago. Forgive me, you probably know this already.

Detail!

-rpg
xoleanderx chapter 1 . 2/6/2006
Hm, okay, I'll try to give you as much constuctive critism as I can.

I didn't really understand this. Lamar went out to the balcony and in the end... John pushed him off? I don't think you had the characters quite right in this very short ficlet. I would think Lamar would be the more sinister of the two, John didn't seem the revenge-type to me when I saw the film.

Short impace sentences are a nice technique in writing, but I think you used them a bit too much. For example...

"The breeze ruffled his greying hair. He leaned over the balcony to see the city below."

You could have easily combined those two into one nice sentence, and I think it would have flowed better. Same with these two sentences...

"It pulled back its cloak. Mr Burgess saw the face of John, shining in the moonlight night."

Your large amount of short sentences made this piece a little choppy.

Once again, I just don't understand this. If I had been a guest at this party and had just witnessed the video of Lamar killed Anne Lively, I don't think I would have just happily continued back into the party upon Mrs. Burgess's command.

"She was aware that he was a murderer, she had to conceal all negative emotions.

“Continue indoors for celebrations,” she called to the silent crowd. Everyone cheered.

“I’ll stay out for a bit,” Lamar spoke gently. She nodded. The party continued indoors."

I'm sorry, I just don't understand that passage.

It also would have been good to include some thoughts, and more details. Thoughts and details are always good.

Don't fret though, just because I've pointed out some of the things I disliked about this piece does not mean that it's a bad piece of writing. Your grammer is very nice and I've definately seen a lot worse writing on this site from people much older than you. Nice job on your first writing attemp, keep working at it.