Reviews for Betrayal
RachieFly chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
I love this story; great job :)
Marvey4 chapter 1 . 1/31/2012
I think that POV reflected many players' thoughts, especially the "stop appearing out of nowhere all the time!"

Good story by the way :)
Kirk Baldridge chapter 1 . 11/10/2010
I like it.

What DOES go through the PC's mind after being betrayed? Just read this and you get a good idea.
Rawkysand chapter 1 . 3/26/2008
I've decided to leave a review, since I loved this story (not as much as your Mass Effect one - that was absolutely *wonderful*)

I found it funny in a twisted way, and I like that kind of humour. It's not too often I read a good CF story, and I thought you captured her character very nicely.
J no K chapter 1 . 11/17/2007
Absolutely excellent. The emotions were brilliantly portrayed and the personality clearly defined and consistent throughout. A very good piece of writing indeed.

J-N-K
Freesourceful chapter 1 . 11/18/2005
Hi - last post did not include all of the actual comments I had made. Dunno why. Here's it in full:

Did I mention the great voice you have for this character? WONDERFUL voice. Intelligent, snide, angry and yet – strangely, evilly likeable. Since we’re already in first person narrative, I think it’s an interesting choice you make to contrast us the narrated thoughts of your character – the one who observes and plots and schemes – against the more immediate thoughts going through her head emphasized in italics. It’s as if there are two points of view in one character – one who watches and makes snide comments, and another who feels the joy of victory and the pain of sudden defeat, who can be vulnerable and is allowed to think things like: “I don’t want to die.” This makes for a very interestingly complex first person story, and I think it was also an effective start to presenting an internal struggle. I’d like to see you do more with these semi-warring points of view within the same person.

With that said, however, I still feel a rawness in your writing that breaks the rhythm of the reading. After a couple re-reads, I think what it boils down to is that you need to go back over your work with a fine tooth and comb and take out all the unnecessary words and add in better punctuation. Examples below:

Original - “For not the first time in my orphaned life, I notice Li’s usual humble, if self-assured posture has a subtle tenseness. Must have been through a lot, having his withered, old carcass hauled all over the place by Death’s Hand. Deep lines show on his leathery, bearded face; obviously accentuated by the past situation.”

Edited - “I notice that Li’s usual humble, if self-assured posture has taken on a subtle tenseness. Must have been through a lot having his withered old carcass hauled all over the place by Death’s Hand. Deep lines show on his leathery, bearded face.”

Make the prose more active and robust by condensing your sentences. Also, straighten out the tense in this piece – by the end it’s clear that the story is being told in retrospective by the first person narrator, so the sentences where she is telling the story (clearly from the future of the main action in this story) should be in PAST tense, not present. If the entire story was told in scene and we moved with her from one present to another, this wouldn’t be a problem. However, you jump us forward in time once or twice, and because you throw in summary, you HAVE to make the rest of the writing conform to the “present” time of where the story is being told time.

Thanks for the read, and maybe I’ll see more about this character!
Chosen of Mythal chapter 1 . 11/18/2005
I'll try and get in the right mind to write another instalment of this fanfic, lol. However, I have a few project deadlines encroaching upon my free-time. *sniffs*

Anyway, I'm also trying to write another chapter for my first attempt at a third-person viewpoint story. I'll see what I can do. :p
Freesourceful chapter 1 . 11/18/2005
I'd have submitted this signed, but I'm only allowed one review per chapter! Write another! *HINT*HINT*
Freesourceful chapter 1 . 11/7/2005
Wonderful voice! You've done an admirable job capturing an intelligent and evil, yet admirable character. Thansk for commenting on mine, by the way. I'll have a more thorough review for you once I have the time to sit down and reread this short a couple times. :-)
plutospawn chapter 1 . 7/21/2005
I think it needs pornographic smut :-D

Seriously, now. You've got a powerful voice coming through, first person was an excellent choice for this. So was present tense. It gives such an immediacy as the narrator's thoughts just fall into place.

But because it was so good, a couple nitpicks stand out.

"Not would you’d call a clingy paternal figure" and

"Remind me to get kill myself killed again" Simple enough typos.

Also, calling the Water Dragon "Sheperdess." I don't believe there's a feminization to the word shepard and even if there was, would a god use it? They all sort of struck me as genderless beings that took on forms comfortable to humans. Of course, that's just my opinion so take it or leave it.
Queen-Akasha chapter 1 . 7/21/2005
" Li is just standing there, gloating like an insane hermit. Bastard." That line made me laugh out loud. It's the perfect way to describe the whole scene. As for the rest of the story, I thought it was very well written. And I appreciate the fact that you're doing it in first person. I have an INCREDIBLY hard time writing in first person, I likes me my third person omnipotant. ) Anyway, great job, and I hope to see more of your writing!
Envincebal chapter 1 . 7/20/2005
Wow! gloomy and dark, just the way i like it! It makes me happy to see more closed fist fics, because open palm is overrated! I love how this story is in first person so we could see the cold and angry thoughts of the character. I love this fic! Just reading this set me in a dark mood(in a good, powerful sort of way).
kokurousagi chapter 1 . 7/19/2005
I really like this first chapter. It shows a very gritty, very human, flawed side of "Radiant" Jen Zi. I hope you continue. Its actually quite funny...in a cynical, twisted way, I suppose. I like the humour youve inserted into Jen Zis thoughts. And the lack of combat isnt really a bad thing; if you added more action it wouldve taken away from the rest of it. So good job!

Oh, btw, this is sunsetmei from the forum. Kudos!