|Reviews for Element|
| Peyton LeVay chapter 1 . 12/27/2013
Interesting. Very, very interesting concept.
| Guest chapter 3 . 12/21/2013
Dude, if Robin was punched in the throat and hurtled thirty-five feet away, I'm pretty sure he would have at least punched the guy back. He's not the kind of person to simply let it go and watch what happens next.
| Professional Ninja chapter 10 . 10/7/2012
I love ur story so far X3
| Crushed Hale.x chapter 2 . 12/27/2010
I am loving this story. Seriously. It's beyond amazing.
| ShadowS0UL chapter 10 . 9/21/2009
Not like I can say anything that hasn't already been said... I'll say it anyhow. This is a beautiful story filled with deep emotion, keep going at your own pace and keep listening to your heart. I look forward to the next chapter.
| iSpazzyKitty chapter 1 . 7/24/2009
Very good introduction! And I love your style of writing! I've always liked the mysterious wait-for-the-name thing. Sorry, if that sounds confusing. Like, waiting until some other time to reveal who the person is.
How'd you become so awesome at description? I've been working on that for awhile & I can't seem to get it.
| Seawheels chapter 1 . 7/3/2008
Great opening. i loved how you were able to descibe everything so well while still keeping an aura of mystery within you stroy. I look forward to reading upcoming chapters.
| kidcrud chapter 10 . 10/9/2007
| mattchew chapter 10 . 8/21/2006
COOL! update soon!
| CharmedNightSkye chapter 10 . 8/6/2006
I like this chapter. The strawberry jelly at the end was wicked funny. I feel so bad for Rune I really hope that he gets out of the prison soon and that everyone starts being nicer to him. LOL Till later readings
| Translucent Darkness chapter 10 . 7/13/2006
Great chapter! I liked the way you did the dialogue, and Wise Raven was perfect. Good job! Update soon!
| Evilsangel chapter 10 . 7/13/2006
wow... i've just read all of the chapters and right now all i can say is... wow... oh and... THAT WAS TOTALY GREAT! I LOVED EVERY BIT OF IT! HOLY CRAP WHAT A PLOT! LOVE THE NEW GUY HE LOOKS SO HOT! WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW! that was totaly great! you have to update asap! i loved it! please update asap! bye :) ;)
| Ace234 chapter 10 . 7/11/2006
Ah, 60 words of "Element." Now, we're really getting somewhere. The long update is nice; I like it. This chpater was really fun to read post-midnight with the lights turned off (which I am doing). I can feel the tension hovering over the characters.
I'd mention something about how well you do psychological tension, but that would be re-covering old ground. I'll give you this: you're getting much harder to critique. I also like the tone changes; the somewhat lighter mood starts off well and seemslessly evolves into something else.
Next great point: word choice. You have some really nice moments where you sell this story with your adjectives and verbs: "yellow and viscious" , "garishly chosen", "trickle of malice wormed...", and "keystone of order...of chaos". Your best stuff is Wisdom v. Raven, which approaches "Matrix" levels of philosophy for a moment. Your attention to detail and setting a scene is just so vital to what you do, and I think that's just so important.
Small suggestion: Line sections. The style you use to change scenes (entering new dialogue without a transitionary paragraph) necessitates using the line breaks since the system doesn't allow extra hard breaks. I blame this more on than you. In my story, you may have noticed that I sometimes want to change gears so much I'm forced to use both the paragraphs and the line insertions since I can't make extra space. That's a question of taste, of course, but the first Rune to Wisdom/Raven transition is too abrupt. That is, however, a very minor point.
I had to ponder to come up with a serious critque for you. This is good stuff. I like it. My next suggestion may bring well-deserved charges of hypocrisy on myself, because I think this is every writer's struggle. I noticed after some serious analyzing that you have primarily two methods of adding layers of complexity and meaning to a scene. Like most people (myself I'm throwing in here too) you often do one of two things:
1. Add modifiers or verbs to words, often using "and"
2. Create a simile, a comparison between doing two unlike things using "like" or "as". You also use "with" in a similar matter.
The ultimate challenge is to add new techniques to this system: metaphors, analogies, paradox, irony. In long fiction this can be particualrly hard. To add to that, most readers never really see what makes up anything beyond #1 and #2. The challenge is tough: use the right words in the right places to make the perfect sentences. The best one-shots have to be written this way.
I'm going to attempt an example: "She still vividly remembered him gazing up at her with such a look of peace upon his face that it made her want to scream." This is one of your sentences, and it's a pretty darn good one. It's a paradox: it's peace but it's not really for her. We could try this: "Vividly recalling his serene countenance twisted Raven's innards in horrific terror." It's not that different, but it is shorter, doesn't rely on reusing a "she" subject, uses only one prepositional phrase, and it keeps all the meaning. That's the insane amount of detail I'm talking about here. In fact, this could be my meat of this critique: get away from the simple subjects like "she", "it", "Raven", etc. You will need to use them and probably in plenty. However, most of your best sentences will do something different.
As insomnia seems to be my theme tonight and I apparently like watching myself type, I'm going to try one more example because I think you're worth it, and it's giving me ideas for my almost done update to my own story. Let's try it with this sentence: "Wisdom’s sudden, shrill laugh reverberated throughout Raven’s psyche much like a stone cast into an icy pond." Again, you've another good sentence...alliteration, "sudden, shrill" [you could probably lose the comma, your choice], decent verb "reverberated", and a slightly-above average simile with the stone into the pond. Let's sex it up if we can. j/k
Try this: "Injecting its poison into an already open wound, Wisdom's sudden shrill laugh coursed its venom into Raven's psyche." What did we do? We kept the aliiteration but moved the subject "laugh" after a leading description, a metaphor. This sentence uses two medical metaphors replacing the pond/stone simile. We vary the description structure away from "like" and make an even more violent and invasive comparison which is so much more effective than a stone. Her laugh is like a syringe, a medical probe (She's probing Raven isn't she?), and it's a poison, not medicine. This put some real bite into that laugh. It's not just some stone in a pond; it's a needle in a brain! Which is more suddenly shrill to you?
Seriously, I love this chapter. This is sweet stuff. What I note here is not easy, and most people can't do it in a first draft. I've slowed a lot of my writing to try to do stuff like this. And you can't do it all the time; you need the similes, the adjectives with "and." Those are necessary. They need to build to bigger sentences that can often say even more with fewer words. These sentences are usually not in dialogue, but in your own descriptions. Often, entire stories are made just to get to a few of these type of sentences. The best course is to just remember to vary your sentence structure a little, and stick just a couple in now and then-no major overhauls necessary.
But seriously Phoenix, you got a sweet thing going here.
Oh, and thanks for the plug. Now I have to see if I can live up to my own advice.
| Teen Tyrant chapter 1 . 7/11/2006
A story called 'Element' about an OC that ends up with Raven- are you sure you did not take this idea from my own fic, 'Element and the Gamer'? Regardless, I'm interested in where this will go.
| beachbrat4ever chapter 10 . 7/11/2006
good idea, were did you get the idea's?