|Reviews for Tom and Harry|
| ElspethBates chapter 4 . 8/11/2005
Overall it was a good chapter, I can tell you are setting the scene for events that will happen later. I did feel like there were a couple of things that needed to be commented on.
Petunia seems to be quite out of character, I can't imagine she would be so nice to Harry unless something specific happened. Just the threat of losing the protections on their house might be enough, but she was being pretty nice to Harry before he asked if they would move. If I were Harry and she all of a sudden started acting that nice, I'd think she was under the Imperious Curse.
I'm not crazy about Professor Flitwick offering to 'report to' Harry at the end of each week. I can see him offering to keep Harry informed, or telling him that he would owl any findings... but using the words "report to" infers a subservience that a professor probably wouldn't feel towards a student... no matter how bright or promising he is. I also don't think Harry would want his professors to feel like he thought he were either more intelligent or more important than them.
I can't think of a story I've read with inferi in it. But I've seen plenty of movies with Zombies in them. Aren't the two basically the same thing?
Aurors as a tactical unit... an interesting idea. I can't see them becoming an army unless they ran it like gorilla insurgents. Teams being sent to do specific damage... that kind of thing. Hope the criticism helped.
| BenRG chapter 4 . 8/11/2005
I am really starting to enjoy Snape and Malfoy's capers. It really demonstrates the limits of the wizarding world when it comes to understanding the muggle world. Simply put, their economic system has not evolved to the point where they can visualise money as /not/ being shiny. The concept of electronic credit would likely be inconceivable to them. This will give muggle-borns a big advantage, when you think about it. They could institute methods of credit tranfer (via Gringotts) that would allow totally invisible transactions.
I'm still sure that the Ministry wants to use Harry but I also suspect that he is willing to be used so long as they are co-operating. However, I do wonder what the next meeting of the Order will be like. Molly may never forgive Harry for what he is going to suggest there.
Oh... and RIP Rita Skeeter. old-crow, I know that you wouldn't have put that bit there if it wasn't significant. :-D
Finally, it might be interesting to see what Professor Dumbledore has to say. It is possible that he has a few surprises for Harry, including some revelations about the loyalties of certain Order members that may completely turn his world upside-down
A great story so far!
BenRG's Rating: 7/10
| Finbar chapter 4 . 8/11/2005
Can Aurors transition into being a tactical force? No, not as a whole. Howeve,r can a group within the Aurors do that? Yes indeed, look at the Police, they have a Fast Response Team, call it Special Forces, S.W.A.T or what ever you like but they are police who have been trained to a higher level in combat with less focus on the law and convicting criminals side. Someone like Kingsley could lead it. Moody would be an excellent trainer. Or make new chars who fill similar roles. However, it can be done. Teach them more Dueling and more about working in a team of 6-10.
| Inphamus chapter 2 . 8/11/2005
Hey its me, only had time tonight to read the first two chapters and so far its good. I'll read the other two hopefully tomorrow (Yay my ball is the day after that, im so excited!)
I can't believe you could remember all that information from the sixth book, i think i may need to read it again lol. I liked the way you portrayed your scenes of Malfoy and Snape, very creative with the whole BP thing hehe, and another thing are you from New Zealand? Cos if you are im too.
Can't wait to read more to this story and the others you've written, I'm definitely going to watch you (Yes im a stalker :P)
| Robert Harrison chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
you may think about having a list of the beginning of each chapter telling us the meaning of any uncommon brit slang you use in that chapter. Like beeb, I had to look it up to know what she was talking about.
again, watch out for the floating quoation marks. and forgeting them all together.
An ever present factor is spelling. I've never heard of career consoling.
1) Nope, cant say i have.
2) maybe, but i'd put my money on LA Swat being more effective.
| Robert Harrison chapter 3 . 8/10/2005
If currency is supposed to mean pounds then you should say that. other wise it reads 'Some Galleons and money'.
you may consider changing this, 'and get kissed this Saturday'. sounds like something i'd like to do. either capital K and make it Kissed or make 'get' into 'be'. as it is it sounds like something my girlfriend would say as a bribe to get me to do something.
this isn't a major thing but i doubt many of the people i know, know what a Stirling note is. besides you should pick one name (at least for such things as money) and stick with it. makes things less confusin' for us hicktown country folk with three teeth (two of them black) and a hare brain and a quarter.
Did i mention my random lapses of sanity?
umm, in the chance you want you facts to be canon a goblin by the name of Ragnok is hinted at as being the head of Gringotts in... i think its chpater 5 of order of the phoenix.
I want to know what petunia's on and where i can get some. Because she seems WAY out of character to me. I could be wrong but i think she's stoned or somethin'.
I think the ring killed his arm. Like morphed it into what it would have looked like had it been dead for a few years.
| Robert Harrison chapter 2 . 8/10/2005
Please Dont mind the sarcasm, it just happens with me. I also want to remind you that you asked for my oppinion so I'm giving it to ya honest. Do note that anything i say can be ignored.
what's a BP station? can you buy bus passes there.
What's 'the Tesco store'?
Richard Harris may be the man to first play Dumbledore in the movies but that doesn't mean everyone will know who he is.
In my oppinion this shows lack of effort on your part, you could have very easily found a picture of him from 20 years ago and described what he looks like in it.
Also for most of the people that will probably read this story they will not have anything to go off over to call a 'younger looking version of Richard Harris'.
it was for similar reasons that, while undoubtedly very good ideas, i wasn't extremely fond of your stories 'Summer of Choices' and 'The Four Apprentices'.
You probably noticed from any of my stories you have read that i tend to put a lot of effort into describing somethings.
One person can be quoted as saying that i 'over describe'. My answers to that is that i only write it as i see it in my minds eye and i want to draw the reader in and provide enough detail so that they can imagine the scene as well.
So if i present them with a character that has a a mustache that curls at both ends, they will be sure that one side is curled 3 times and the other only 2.
Also if you had taken the time to describe a 20 year old picture, your chapter would be longer. thats a reason i dont spread out much though.
I do like the way you change point of veiws and show the cause and effect of the smallest of incidents, I would say you have nearly mastered descirbing, what i would call, an isolated Butterfly effect.
the answer the questions at the end.
1) No, i think that as he has severed them from his body he is no longer in constant contact with them. So in essance he would feel the destruction but not be weakened by it. Atleast not in a traditional sense. I think it will merely lower his chances of survival.
2) I answered this in above. but yes, I think he would have felt it.
3) ... Yes, it is thought by some theologists that if a peice of the soul is bound to the earth it will prevent the rest of the soul from passing on the the next life. I tend to agree.
| Robert Harrison chapter 1 . 8/10/2005
this is the second time i've had to type this. the first was long winded and boring anyways. Thatnks for reviewing my story.
some suggestions - abbrieviations that not everyone can understand without lots of hard thought. like PM type out Prime Minister its only 11 more letters. You hand won't fall off ;)
Watch where you place quotation marks you have a few floating out of place. also use a single (') rather than a double (") when one character is quoting another makes for easier reading.
| RMRilke chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
I love the coin bandits! When the video is shown to the public will Harry or Hermione see it?
I haven't read any inferi stories. Let me know if you read a good one.
The aurors are cops not military. I think that the transistion would take too much time. Something they don't have a lot of. Also I'm not convinced that the aurors would follow Harry.
Thanks for the good story. They are so hard to find sometimes!
| CreativeQuill chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
I'm very, very, very much enjoying this. Please post again soon. Your version of the characters is excellent!
| CreativeQuill chapter 1 . 8/10/2005
This is a brilliant plot line. You've captured some of the mystery that goes along with the story that most fanfic authors miss, and you lead, you don't push. Very nice.
I loved your version of Ginny's reaction. While I don't think it's particularly canon, nor was Harry's reaction to her actions, I did like it - it's what we all WISH would happen. Harry needs a royal kick in the kazoo, and it would be nice if Ginny were the one to administer it. I hope he gets his thumb out now.
The only criticism I have is some of your vernacular. It's "beer", not "beers", even plural, and there were several places where word usage jumped out at me ("either" rather than "neither", etc.). There were also a few punctuation issues - but as I said, minor stuff.
I'm intrigued. I think the plot is unique and original - something that is sorely needed in fanfiction as a whole. I'm really looking forward to how you develop the characters in this. I'm off to read the second chapter!
| Bob chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
No, the Aurors are a combination of a SWAT unit and a CSI department. Highly effective, maybe even overkill against normal criminals, but they aren't and were never intended to be an army. It would be easier to build a real militia from the ground up rather then retraining the cops.
| azntgr01 chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
| Jarno chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
Ooh, I like your story. Did Tonks just kill Rita skeeter when she squished that beetle?
No, I haven't read any stories where inferi are used.
Yes, I think the aurors can transform from a police department to a tactical unit. Moody is an auror and he caught the most deatheaters. I believe they are actually more than just policemen. Mcgonnal said it was one of the most difficult studies. I see it more like MI6 (james bond) or well the FBI.
| Sage the Mystic Maven chapter 4 . 8/10/2005
I really enjoy reading your stories. There are two things I'd like to comment on though: 1- I enjoy the recurring use of your original characters. Having pre-fleshed out characters must make writing easier since their personalities and backgrounds are already developed. JKR said she did this with all the 40 students in Harry's year. 2- Wasn't Sirius'name cleared at the beginning of HBP? Both Dumbledore mentioned it when he picked up Harry and Fudge told the Prime Minister in the 1st chapter.