|Reviews for Keyala's Diary|
| Guest chapter 5 . 4/8
Nice story, I loved it
| wwerockz chapter 5 . 10/2/2009
im not bashing ur story AT ALL
but im just saying i LOVE little kidz and maybe u shud take this down and put it on
cuz like dude, seriously it was like SO graphic that my head hurtz SO bad rite now like no joke
cuz u dont want little kidz reading this and going and sucking someonez dick, ritez?
m not bashing, itz just 4 the little kidz
and when i read this i was like IM NEVER HAVING SEX
cuz im sixteen, and still a virgin
and i havent taking sex ed
u scared the crap outta me
but i likey this story!
but if u put it on adultfanfiction ill put AWESOME reviewz
so if u do TELL MUA!
| Amy229 chapter 5 . 7/31/2008
Funny I thought it was good.
| LionsLady11-09-70 chapter 2 . 2/12/2008
This sickens me
This story has gotta go
| Lucy-Jane chapter 1 . 9/5/2007
um, well...where to begin,
I understand when writing a story like this, sometimes you get in the moment and find yourself leaving out details or certain literary aspects. I've done it time and time again...but I think that you can write an equally erotic story without using such tasteless and immature vulgarities. That is what marks the growth of a writer...
That being said, I seriously question your age and profile, most 18 year olds do not write like this, I would surmise that you are 16 and possibly younger, b/c this is almost identical to the story I wrote at 14.
Aside from that, This is my suggestion,
Take the story and write more INTO it. Add descriptive sentences, comparative similies or metaphors such as when they were in the shower, hot water gives us a plethora of comparitive references.
Add a little more background, a little more lead up to the actual scene. You'd be suprised how much a little infor or description can help a story, and one last suggestion, the word 'fuck' can be used, don't get my wrong, but over usage again signals a lack of maturity or literary skill, use it sparingly and usually only in dialog,
I hope this helps and good luck!
| xSweet.Afterlifex chapter 5 . 3/18/2007
u know sumthin that is one of the worst stories on here. I mean sure a lot of stories have sex scens in them but i mean come on that is just disgusting. OMG you serioulsy have fucking issuses. There is a line and u crossed it with this one. I mean come on there is extreme and then there is to extreme this is way over the line and dissin people on ur profile and callin them a bitch isn't respectful. Oh wait u prolly don't know what that means. and i agree with shinebright-starlight and all of the other people who left u comments about your disgusting writing. and it is people like you that give fanfics a bad name. and i take back what i said earlier this is the worst story on here.
| Concrit Inc chapter 1 . 8/19/2006
I don't know why I got linked to this, but it's disgusting. My opinion of you, is a trashbag virgin, who can't even sleep with people to get a life. Have you had sex before? Don't think so. You claim to be 18, but you write like a 10 year old. Also, did the people you did in your trashy fantasy, even use a condom? I'm telling you, the moment you post anything here, don't expect stuff like: "Wow tis iz gud OnuDer one plz". Think before you post. This is not Concrit, this is a FLAME. Oh yeah, the people who liked this, just got horny. Stop writing your trashy porn, you fucking bitch.
| SunshineandFlamingoes chapter 5 . 8/18/2006
EW!YOU ARE THE GROSSEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE FANFIC WORLD!I CANT BELIEVE YOUY WOULD WRITE ANYTHING AS HORRIBLE AS THAT!
| Meant To Differ chapter 5 . 7/29/2006
Y'know, my friend gave me this link. FOR THE WORST STORY EVER.
That's what she said. And I agree. The only reason why she e-mailed me this is, because she wanted to flame it. I did it for her. It's more critical than you think. The fact that you suck is defended by:
faulty typographical errors.
fight with Sapphire Adams and , (BTW, you guys rock!)
Because they're smart enough to express their own opinion, and try to make you stop your bitchy rampage. Don't write your fantasies here. Flamers are unleashing their anger on you and it's not easy to see why, you slut.
| TheRandyOrtonProtectionSociety chapter 5 . 5/16/2006
Sorry, I'm giggling. I've just been linked to this story and I felt compelled to review.
I'm not going to criticise you for writing porn, after all, that is what the internet is for, but seriously, you've never had sex, have you? This reads like it was written by a 14 year old virgin.
Take a look at some other M rated stories on here and see what a realistic sex scene looks like. Or check out the adult version of this site (adult fan fiction dot net). Whatever you do, don't rely on your momma's trashy romance novels to tell you what to do.
| Scorpiella chapter 5 . 4/5/2006
That chapter was insane! But it wasn't that bad
| batistaaussiegirl79 chapter 3 . 2/21/2006
i love the story m randy and dave in a 3some that i wouldnt mind
| laverdad chapter 5 . 2/12/2006
I see it's been a couple of months since you've stopped writing, have you gotten knocked up? Must be, because the way you write and from your profile, you are proud of the fact that you have sex and lots of it.
I've always tried to leave helpful reviews, and I guess I'll say the same thing everyone else has been saying: Tone it down. A sex scene is meant to unify two characters, advance the plot, stir up some trouble, or anything along those lines. Yours is just there for no real reason except you were probably writing this when you were horny. Am I right? If you were prettier then Stacy Keibler as you claim to be, then you wouldn't have time to write these blunt sex scenes. The only thing you write is the physical; why are they having sex? Emotions and thoughts may help this.
Also, sex in every chapter is just juvenile. And this is streching the imagination a little. At 18, you should know that a man needs time in between orgasms to rest up. A woman cannot go at it time and time again because it will start to hurt. And orgasms are not as easy as you make them out to be. Very few woman actually orgasm during intercourse.
Good luck on all your future writing endeavors.
| Gamer619 chapter 5 . 1/25/2006
Why? This a disgrace to fanfiction! BTW Sapphire Adam's stories rock.
| Batista's Mistress chapter 5 . 1/16/2006
I read the whole story, and I think that is like too much smut on this. like everyone says, there is like children who go to this site and god forbid they might read this. like yeah, randy's hot and all but you could just think of a fantasy and just type it down to show a million people that the way you fantasize about men like that is just TOO nasty, no disrespect, but just think about things like that and keep it to yourself...
i didn't came here to be mean to you, but just think about the people or even the children that read this, just think about it...