|Reviews for Government Confines|
| KumoFuzei chapter 1 . 1/31
I like the initial beginning. Not because Marcus seems like a badass but it seems to be inside the head of a delinquent very well. When you are in that position in life you think it's other people, you're perfect and it doesn't matter if you get detentions because you'll pretend you're sorry. I hope to see this smashed out of him in later chapters and some real character progression because it'd be a shame if this was his intended personality and meant to be a positive.
I think using Mr. Gray distracts from the flow a little. Using his name or his relation to Marcus would possibly be better suited in my opinion.
"too holy" I wasn't aware of his religious background? Did you mean holey? Or even better 'his jeans were littered with holes' or something akin to that.
I would think that caring parents would wash his clothes and try repair them more often? I get the image you're trying to show but a recent scuffle would have to be the cause of all this. If it's cumulative damage I would suspect him to be an orphan or having uncaring/possibly abusive parents.
"Opening his eyes, his dead blue eyes" It's a little repetitive and detracts from the flow.
"they do for you?" Do you mean we? or is it from Marcus's point of view?
You need to try and break up POV changes where possible.
There are a few bits and pieces that read weirdly but I won't highlight anymore and I'll focus on the positives.
I quite like the use of various language throughout the story. Alice's background could play out nicely along Marcus's if it's done in the correct manner. No one likes two angsty teenagers angsting contantly but if you can show character growth and change I think it'll make them three dimensional characters.
However, when I got to Michael I started to lose interest a little in the characters. However, you got me back with Jerry and gave me a bit of a reason to keep reading. I am a little disappointed there is only one female so far because it's nice to have a more balanced cast.
I'm a little worried with Pat's introduction because it's very information dump-y and I'm praying this doesn't continue. I can see how you tried to make it more natural and I appreciate the effort. However, how you go on to show that Pat is an intellectual Digimon definitely makes this much more believable.
It is a nice ending that makes me want to read on but the Marcus in this story is seeming a little like a copycat Data Squad Marcus.
| AspiringWriterGirl chapter 7 . 1/30
The characters in your story are great, you've given each of them a great back-story, and each one is different from the next. One thing I did notice, at few points was that you tend to jump from one location or point of view to a completely different one which is a little confusing. :L But you have got great description (of which my stories sometimes end up lacking!)
| alamodie chapter 14 . 11/8/2007
hey!cool!really good!sorry, i rely mean it, im juz not very original. but werez the nex chap?i no they take time, but its been so long i forgot about this story!pleez update soon!
| None of your Business chapter 1 . 6/14/2007
...I'm impressed. No, seriously, I AM impressed. I have read very few fics that starred OCs and still maintained high quality. I would write a longer review, but I want to get back to reading your fic.
| cenkantra chapter 8 . 7/11/2006
At LAST - an update. All that pestering finally paid off...
TYPOS? WHY? This is AFTER I offered to proofread your stuff - Not just Digital War. Ah Well.
Otherwise, a good continuation of the story. Would like to see more.
And, in terms of the "DedicationWar", this brings the score to:
"Trinity Dragon 3, INSDragonclaw/Girgash 2."
Heheh. Wait and see...
| Loke Groundrunner chapter 8 . 7/11/2006
| cenkantra chapter 5 . 6/3/2006
Very good. Where's the next one?
| cenkantra chapter 4 . 6/3/2006
It's me _
“If have anything you wanted, what would it be?”
“If (?) have anything you wanted, what would it be?”
Once again, a pothole. I get the idea that you work at high speed when you type. It helps to plan your chapters, and type SLOWLY.
Till next time
- - - - - - -
Visit my homepage!
| cenkantra chapter 3 . 6/3/2006
Guess who's back...
Even character alternation
VERY good "merging" idea. Could lead to a few ... complications, down the line -_.
Few typos, nothing exceptional
You forget to put Question Marks at the end of most of your questions. Unless, naturally, you're trying to make a statement, but often times the context is wrong.
| Alforce Zero chapter 7 . 6/2/2006
This is a quite entertaining story in my opinion, although at first I was put off the by the fact that the Digimon have human names, but fortunately I've gotten the hang of it and am now able to understand the story better.
However what I really like in your story is the fact that each character has his/her own distinguishable character, which makes it easy for the readers to identify with them. I feel sympathy for Michel.
I look forward for your update. Until then.
| Loke Groundrunner chapter 7 . 6/2/2006
It was pretty good, but I was a bit annoyed during the first half when the dialogue was written in italics.
Keep going! _
| Loke Groundrunner chapter 6 . 5/1/2006
Pretty good so far, you might want to add a little more detail in the story, but it's cool. Keep it up!
| SaberGatomon chapter 5 . 4/2/2006
I've just finished reading the first 5 chapters of your story. It's a hell of a story and you seem to be progressing excellently,. You've combined agnst, wonder and danger well, but I can see one problem. You haven't given any thought to how the reader "sees" you story in their mind's eye. Background description as well as Character description could bring out the parts of the story that throw your characters on a BLACK background. It may sound harsh, but this is elemental to the story. It's simple really, describe what YOU see in the background, Marcus, Patrick, and Mason are in a jailcell, tell us what they see, describe their emotions, with death looming near, how do they feel? This could bring a simple story to novel standards and a pat on the back for a job well done. If you should need a proof-reader/spellchecker/grammar correction, feel free to E-mail me, or catch me on Yahoo Messenger by the same screen name. ;-) I also do editing for 2 other authors and helped to improve their work conciderablly and would enjoy working with you as well.
Your Fellow Author,
| Jared Head chapter 3 . 10/8/2005
Awesome job on this new chapter. I have a feeling that this is going to turn into one of those highly original story series, which it already is, and it's a welcomed originality too. I really liked that one line:
“Twice, and sold the Machinedramon who punched out Eric. Congratulations.”
Sounds like it must be a regular thing there. That got a big laugh out of me. Nothing I can see wrong from my initial look. I'm definitely keeping my eye sharply focused on this series, so keep it coming!
| Loke Groundrunner chapter 3 . 10/8/2005
This is a good story, really different. *Puts Goverment Confines in favorites*