|Reviews for Return from Where?|
| PurpleArmadillo chapter 3 . 2/21/2013
Great descriptions in this chapter. And I loved everyone's reactions when Ratchet sneaked up behind them while they were playing video games, haha.
| PurpleArmadillo chapter 1 . 2/21/2013
I know this is on hiatus right now, but just wanted to say that I'm enjoying it so far. The dialog is great and everyone is perfectly in character.
| Dithad chapter 1 . 8/18/2008
Hey, love it. I read all the chapters so far, and you have done and excellent job of capturing the spirit of Ratchet and Clank
| Ganheim chapter 23 . 5/6/2007
spurred on by the news they had just recieved.
The origin of the meteors' had been discovered,
[Improper punctuation: an apostrophe following the ‘s’ indicates ownership by many, this should be a simple plural, so remove the extraneous punctuation.]
A slightly audible beep emanated from the dampener attatched to the inside of his helmet as it absorbed the excess energy overflowing from his mind.
circular doorway to the command brige came into view.
his head and chest bandaged in guaze to cover the injuries from the laser fire and blunt force he had endured during the previous battle.
[Spelling: gauze. Gauze is there to soak up blood, it doesn’t do anything to help a blunt-force injury.]
taken by a reporter who witnissed gave it
[Spelling: witnessed. Missing spacing.]
who calculated the angle of entry the object took and traced it back to the source."
[Of course, entering through the atmosphere wouldn’t fudge up a reverse-trajectory.]
lengthening the red line until it intercepted another planet, "We've got our source."
[Issue: it was fired from a space station, and it was implied that the station was some distance from Daxx. If it’s in orbit, it would have been helpful for that to have been indicated before.]
that's where his old laboratory is!
[Didn’t he have laboratories in various places, just the one we assume he built the biobliterator being on Daxx?]
and should arrive within shuttle range of Daxxwithin the hour."
and an autonomous rear-mounted bulb turret
[I don’t quite see how a small turret can be placed on a small fighter. The smallest realistic ship with a turret that I can think of is the Y-wing from Star Wars, and according to Wikipedia that’s 16 meters long. Granted, miniaturization and technological expectations have come long ways in the decades, but I still don’t think that the Zypher would be a very small ship even if it was one-man if it had an independent 360 turret.]
that fired a high-powered, sustained laser beam.
[That would require the turret be even larger – a sustained beam or emission of fire from any weapon takes increasing size for ammunition and support systems the longer the weapon is supposed to fire, short bursts allow the mechanisms to remain relatively small.]
and the fusilage was narrow and compact.
Being the Presidents daughter doesn't mean much when it comes to the military;
[Sure it does. You’d be surprised how powerful nepotism is even in ‘modern, first-world nations’.]
and the Rangers mistook him for their seargent.
I don't want to wast anymore time chit-chatting,"
The control panel of the ship was nearly identicle to that of his old ship,
except the two-pronged handle he once used was replaced by a single control stick.
[It’s more often called a ‘control yoke’ (for its earlier resemblance to an upside-down cattle yoke) than ‘two pronged handle’.]
All buttons and gauges were still in recognizible postions.
[Spelling: recognizable, positions.]
getting a feel for the yet unused cusions.
the lombaxlet the control stick slide back to a neutral position,
and Sasha's Zephyrexited the Quantum Leap,
other than the Pheonix."
"Up for afew warm-up manuevers?"
[Missing spacing. Spelling: maneuvers. I also wonder where the other fighters are, or if they’re going to make Ratchet do absolutely all of the work without any fire support.]
Sasha, who's fighter pilotskills were rusty at best,
[Missing spacing. That should also be ‘piloting’ or ‘pilots’’, not just ‘pilot’.]
a small fleet oflight spacecraft surrounding the planet,
and well as larger,
[Should say ‘as well as a’.]
the source of which has yet to be idetified."
came Vega's voice again,"but don't
Ratchet, I'm putting you in command of them.
[Ratchet may be the more experienced fighter pilot, but Sasha’s the captain and more experienced commander. Shouldn’t she be hanging back and calling the shots from her fighter instead of distracting Ratchet with that duty?]
oil held in his left hand,andchanging the channel once again.
and was coating the entire planet in a datk clous,
[Spelling: dark, clouds.]
tranforming anything organic they touched into metal.
it appearsthat we've been discovered;
[Unless they come in from multiple directions and have large distance separating them, they’re typically referred to by the singular to emphasize that single direction and essentially one group.]
it's probalby all that the little squishies can spare with all of the havok that I've cooked up for them."
[Spelling: probably, havoc.]
The Galctic Fleet flagship
Quantum Leap had just recieved a rather strange,
The result was the equivilant of shouting in a crowded gymnasium.
no words of ecouragement,
After realinzing that that was it,
but the odds for the upcoming conflict seemed remote at best, even for his normally gung-ho attitude.
[Ratchet’s taken on one-on-30 odds before in “Going Commando”, the 30-odd zyphers with 300-odd enemy fighters make about one-on-ten, which doesn’t sound so bad in top-of-the-line fighters.]
Countless small black points appeared in silouette against the planet.
The silouettes grew larger and
The result was an instantaniuos and incredible boost of speed.
They wer now in perfect position on the enemy's six.
A dozen mini-missiles screamed out of their launchers, streaking toward their targets.
[Even if they’re needle missiles (so named for their small size and shape), they’ll take up space and that’s a premium on small ships. They’d take up even more space if they’re precision munitions.]
ten enemy fighters spun out of control as the cylindrical explosivs lodged themselves in their targets,
[From your descriptions, they are conical, not cylindrical. Spelling: explosives.]
which quickly dissappeared as his vessel shook violently.
and allowing the persuing enemy to accelerate by him.
[Spelling: pursuing. I would also expect that the following ship would hit its brakes too, but its delay would send it ‘shooting past’ him.]
"All pilots, follow my coordinates to planed Daxx."
dodging fire from the persuing enemy ships as they made their way towards the surface of Daxx.
a mere portion of the origional force,
especially with their shielding as low as it was.
[Shielding which would be eaten up and destroyed, their ships following, if they crashed through the atmosphere.]
fighting both the intense turbulance that rattled his bones and the cloud of red hot gases that obsured his vision.
[Spelling: turbulence, obscured.]
most of the fighters that persued the lombax's fleet were gone.
"They must have thought us more trouble than we're worth," thought Ratchet, "Either that, or they just want to focus on attacking the Quantum Leap."
[Typical formatting practice goes that the double quote marks aren’t used when the thoughts are italicized, the italicizing does all the formatting and identification, so the quote marks can be confusing by implying that it is spoken, despite your ‘thought tag’, and the italicization would then imply that everything is emphasized instead of thought and on the tip of his tongue.]
and all the others defending the Galctic Fleet's flagship.
Droplets of condensed water formed on the ships' canopies as the humidity rose,
[Which would be impossible because this also requires that the canopies be at a maximum temperature point, and if they’re still slowing down from reentry, they’re undoubtedly too hot for that.]
an archapelago of small islands and rocky reefs in a vast ocean came into view.
we're gonna be bailing out to avoid the heavy anti-aircraft guns."
[Why? Ratchet’s “Star Explorer” made it through, though I’ll grant that was one ship and he’s both a good pilot and familiar with it so he’d be easily able to execute a low flight in that, the Zypher I’m not so sure about since he lacks the familiarity and they’re bigger.]
He pressed several buttons on hs ship's dashboard,
programming his ship to maintain a wide eliptical pattern high above Nefarious' lab complex, as well as slowing it down.
[Which would make it a sitting duck for any heavy weaponry with the range to shoot it down.]
and we're gonna be up to our ears in mortar rounds pretty soon.
[Really? I’d figure he’d start filling the skies with missiles and flak, that’s what I’d do when I’m being assaulted from the air. Mortars are non-self-propelled, they’re best when firing indirectly at slow- or non-moving ground targets. I think you intend to say ‘missiles’, judging by the immediate and later context.]
she could see several obejects quickly racing up to meet her and the Rangers around her.
teleported from the weapon's bay of the Quantum Leap.
[Wouldn’t she have a stash of weapons with her, in case a dampening field was blocking teleportation from an orbiting carrier which might not be able to send her armaments?]
which dove and dodged to avoid them.
[‘dove’ and ‘dodged’ serve identical purposes, pick one and delete the other.]
thanks to the innacuracy of the barrage,
The grenade flew in a tall parabola arking over the battlefield,
[Though it’s possible that other English dialects spell ‘arc’ with a ‘k’, I’ve never seen evidence of the variation in the mathematical term before.]
Him and his small division of Rangers were pinned down by a massive guard robot.
[‘_He_ and his…’]
leaping out from behind cover and pullung the Bouncer's trigger.
holes appearing in its metal casing and internal circuits and wires melting from the heat.
[‘circuits’ and ‘wires’ serve essentially the same purpose in this context, I’d stick with ‘circuits’ because that leaves a greater degree of flexibility with the actual technology beneath the exterior, and delete ‘and wires’.]
God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 20 . 5/4/2007
Over 400 feet long and having two fore-mounted MAC guns and a cargo capacityof 50 Zephyr-class light fighters,
[Several things to point out, first: missing spacing. Second: think about the scale. The USS Nimitz class aircraft carrier, a naval-based carrier which would have to be much smaller than a 100% self-contained space combat carrier capable of intra/inter-stellar flight, is approximately 3 meters long. Judging by perspective, assuming that Ratchet’s Star Seeker is 4 meters long and the same wide (estimate), the Phoenix appears at least 400 meters wide, and probably close to 500 meters long. Third: though ‘fore-mounted’ technically works, spacecraft is more often described in naval terminology, some of which is shared by aircraft. In that spirit, either ‘bow’ (front) or ‘prow’ (the more proper upper-forward position where cannons are positioned on naval ships would be, though on spacecraft much of the weaponry is placed on the ventral/bottom) would be better fitting.]
gather the required 's warp generators
[Missing spacing. Word confusion: ‘it’s’ is a contraction of ‘it is’, what belongs is ‘its’ possessive of ‘it’.]
At 6'5" in height, he was abnormally tall for a Veldinian lombax.
[Many _humans_ might call that tall, that’s 79 inches or over 200 centimeters.]
Sasha put a hand on her chin and thought for a second, "Well, if I remember correctly-"
[I’m curious as to what you had planned to have her say, or if you had any theories.]
Flirting still gave him a 'butterflies in the stomach' feeling,
[Excuse me? Ratchet flirts with almost every female he runs across, the only exceptions being when he’s too busy (those two being Cross and Sasha, and both of those two he’s around long enough to flirt with later anyway).]
whirring with the sound of the mechanical componants inside.
The walls were a drab steel grey with flourescent lights in two rows on the ceiling.
" are they?"
A group of five Galactic Rangersremained in the docking bay on their daily patrols,
"(sigh)... hey, J-14, ya know how long until our shift is over?"
[A sigh is an action, though it’s respirated it’s not something you stick within the quote marks unless it’s a smartass like me being sarcastic. Write that as narrative depiction preceding the spoken line, and don’t forget to properly capitalize.]
"Patrol 13-Alpha, what's your statis, over," he said into the device.
[Spelling: status. I also point out that as an admiral, Shroud would generally have command of a group of ships and a subordinate (a skipper) would likely take the initiative in dealing with any problems on the ship.]
A cylindical compartment rose around him,
He picked up the weapons and lookedthem over;
the Decimator across his back,and left the armory.
He turned to the same Rilgarian crewman he had spoken to earlier.
[This implies that the armory is right next to the bridge, or directly attached to it, neither of which makes much sense.]
"Leutenant," he said.
and the fact that the Ranger that led themseemed to have no idea where they were going
"It's this way...(I think)."
[I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: avoid parenthesis like the plague. Use a speech tag to describe how his speaking changes.]
and the Rangerfollowed suit.
so Im investigating the situation."
At the word 'gunshots,' Ratchet's ears perked up.
[This acts as an extremely effective transition into Ratchet’s section, there’s no reason to keep it separated from his dialogue.]
[Especially because he doesn’t have his weapons with him, last you’ve told us.]
it is my job afterall."
"Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"
[Death. - ZZT]
[By the way, I wanted to remark that your writing has improved dramatically in this chapter. Good writing.]
and small ducts slowly dripping transmission fluid and oil.
[‘Transmission fluid’ implies what would probably be obsolete mechanisms. Hydraulic fluid is something that is a little more broad and the mechanisms are evolving with technology, so it’s likely that there would still be hydraulics in the Galactic Rangers. Plain ‘fluid’ would also work, though adding an extra descriptor can only make the scene clearer.]
It was obvioust that whatever had caused all the damage was now loose in the ship.
They totalled that one pretty easily."
[Most dialects spell it “totaled”, though I know such discrepancies vary even from one American English dialect to another.]
"Dont worry about it.
Nothings getting through them
short of a 30-millimeter heavyplasma cannon."
This was turning out to be more boring than he had origionally thought it would be.
Adrenaline began to course through his viens, dialating his pupils and raising his heartrate.
[Spelling: veins, dilating. Compound word: heart rate.]
leading through a doorway labled ENGINE MATINENCE.
They looked like oily bootprints.
[Curious that an attentive person like Ratchet would miss that his whole way from the docking bay, which should logically have the most distinct oil prints.]
it's un-lubricated hinges creaking slightly.
[Un-lubricated speaks for itself in the noise it makes, my vote goes to skipping to “it’s hinges”.]
forcing Ratchet to jump away to avoid the stream of scalding vapor.
[If his armor can’t handle steam, it wouldn’t be able to handle energy or plasmatic weaponry.]
A sharpblow to the back of his head made him lose balance and stumble forward.
a vaguely humanoid silouette jump down in front of him from a pipe overhead.
Being to close to the enemyto safely use hisDecimator,
[Spelling: too. Missing spacing.]
and equiped his Omnywrench,
[Spelling: equipped, Omniwrench. I also want to point out that ‘equipped’ sounds too much like a game/guide description, in a real narrative ‘drew’ would be a little better.]
Ratchet's face contorted as he wasstruck by two cobalt beams of energy,
the end of which sparked andcrackled with electricity.
One of them held a fistful a wires,
[Should say “_of_ wires”.]
Theirvisible lightsight mode was useless in this situation, so they switched to infrared.
they had seen their target,
[Punctuation: should end in a colon.]
enter the mateinance room.
[Spelling: maintenance. Don’t worry, that one’s hard for lots of people to memorize.]
blocking off the hallway on both sides,
[So when they started shooting they’d hit each other.]
The sound ofbooted feet scraping against the floorbecame audible,
his sweat-covered hand cooling at its sudden exposure to air.
[Creatures covered in fur, such as lombaxes, have limited if any ability to sweat. Most likely, Ratchet can’t sweat.]
he addresed the current matter:
make out anydetails of the room he stood in, and
the old flight helmet he woredidn't have
If he found anymore enimes, or vice-versa,
he said into a small reciever on his wrist.
"Appearantly, there are more intruders than I thought.
out of here, justin case I meet any more of our 'guests.'".
"I'm in the engine matinence room."
Admiral Shroudstepped carefully down the wide hall,
his hand instinctively reached for the plasm whip hanging from his belt.
but stopped himself mid-sentance.
The colors and limb shapes were much different than any that he had seen before.
[From earlier descriptions, they aren’t significantly different except in behavior, part of their danger is that they look so much like standard Galactic Rangers. That’s one of the insidious yet absolutely cool thing about bad guys like the T-10 from “Terminator 2”, that they force you to be suspicious of your own allies.]
eventually finding it and closing the gloved fingers tightly aroundits hilt,
The unfortunate machine had beensplit vertically,
both still twitching and convulsing intheir death throes.
Jolts of electicity momentarily arked between them.
[Spelling: electricity, arced.]
turning on his heel to follow slash cut
with what sounded like an amalgam of a clang and a thud.
the spin he had executed resulted in his legs crossing awkwardly,
[Which should be fully recoverable for even a novice soldier.]
He looked up just in time to he a metal fist connect with his stomach,
[Typo: should say ‘_see_ a metal fist’.]
a loud battlecry issued from behind the robot
[Compound word: battle cry.]
it fell backwards onto the ground.
[If it was struck from behind with a strong physical blow, wouldn’t it fall forward?]
Omnywrench 80 in hand.
Despite this, several blasts came dangerously close, and some even glanced off of the edges of his armor.
[To compress and heighten the tension, I’d remove ‘some even’ and ‘the edges of’. That makes it seem more like he’s narrowly evading life-or-death blasts, which he technically is.]
After performing several sideways flips,
[He’d be doing a lot more fancy movement than that, and flips are difficult to do when you have an injured leg. I’d refer to more general ‘footwork’ or ‘acrobatics’ instead – the Prince of Persia can eat his heart out.]
waiting for the correct moment.
[In battle, there are many ‘correct’ moments, though sometimes one’s sixth sense will guide one to act in the ‘best’ or most opportune moment.]
"Woahh!" thud, "Ung!"
[Thud what? This onomatopoeia doesn’t really describe anything to us.]
to the extended off-hand ofVega Shroud.
thowing him down the hall,
[Spelling: throwing. Though to maintain verb tense shouldn’t it be ‘threw’?]
they were about to die at the hands of a single minor enemy,
[Not so minor if they’ve taken down a squad of Galactic Rangers and nearly bested two battle-hardened Lombaxes, but he certainly might think of them as ‘pathetic’ since they physically resembled the comparatively weak “Galactic Rangers”.]
wanting nothing otherthan to crush the robot in his fist.
[He may have wanted other things, but perhaps nothing _more_ than…]
compacting into a small ball one foot in diameter with the crunch and screech of crushing metal.
[Giving a precise measure (instead of sticking to a generic ‘small’) doesn’t really advance the narrative.]
"What the hell did I just do?"
[You’ve just learned: Force Crush.]
attatched a hose,
if he remembered correctly, there were intercomms near the blast doors.
[Why is he straining to get to those when Admiral Shroud was right next to him in the fight?]
he stepped into the lighted main hall and spotted the blast doors,
[Word confusion: ‘lighted’ is the past tense of ‘to light’, and since the hallway is filled with light (adjective, not verb), the word ‘lit’ is what belongs.]
and pusheda red button labled 'Alert'.
[Missing spacing. Spelling: labeled.]
Seconds later thay were back in the game;
and pointed an accusing finger at the victiorious Cazar,
He looked over at the small round table baside the sofa,
squinting as the bright light from the flourescent bulbs entered her pupils
and hit her retinas,
[Um…duh. Most light tends to hit the retinas after entering one’s pupils. Delete this.]
Woman's intuition perhaps.
[If she’s telepathic too, that’s one too many stretches.]
a few decibles louder then she had intended.
[Spelling: decibels. And since decibels use a logarithmic scale, the difference could either be extremely small or excessively loud.]
who slowed to a stop at her sudden appearance.
[Sudden…they must not be very bright not to see her coming in a well-lit hallway when she appears ahead of them a few minutes before they reach her. I guess it’s time to call for refunds or replacements from Cyberdyne.]
but still letting some worry slip out into her voice.
[No conjunctive is necessary, delete ‘but’.]
the Lombax's tail twitching slightly every so often.
[From my experience with felines, squirrels, and other small mammals that Lombaxes are based on, their tales tend to gently swish while they’re asleep. Sometimes they’ll twitch if in a strong dream, but under the circumstances I think you want ‘just sleep’ from Ratchet right now.]
"The bridge recieved a distress call and
we couldn't find a scratch on him."
[Not a scratch, no sigh of the bolts that hit his leg(s) or body.]
He suffered some severe burns to his way,
[Missing spacing. And didn’t Ratchet take a direct blow to his back?]
and heart and respiratory monitors beeped rhythemically.
and had a wierd taste in it.,
looking at a clipbord he held in his hand.
I havn't been this rested in a week."
and similar proceedures; some with rather strange results."
and waiting for Cartell to finish the sentance he started.
The room beyond had an appointment counter for the receptionist (who was currently on vacation on Pokitaru),
[Unless it is important for your audience to know where the receptionist is, and there aren’t receptionists in conference rooms but there sometimes are in staff break rooms. I would delete the parenthetical expression.]
and a line of cusioned chairs on the wall to the right,
resultingin a loud,jumbled noise.
could not be remotelyunderstood, they each stood to greet the lombax seperately.
[Missing spacing. Spelling: separately.]
It was gettin' a bit hard to breathe,"
[And will soon be getting harder, I have a feeling.]
she said mischieviously,
leaned forward, and kissed him.
[Who saw that coming a mile away? I did!]
after a second, he was kissing her back.
[And us non-fluff readers are gagging.]
just get a room already,"commented Qwark with a chuckle.
"It's good to see you up and up and around againt,
He clipped one of the sheets onto a screen and flipped a switch, activating a backlight behind the screen.
[The screens referred to are often in diagnostic rooms, but rarely if ever present in a staff break/conference area.]
The sheet was revieled to be the result of a CAT scan,
displaying a brainscan consisting of colors ranging from blue to white.
"This is a brainscan from your average lombax;
[Missing spacing. I also wanted to point out that previous to here you’ve been capitalizing “lombax” every time, either keep it capitalized or not depending on how you’re using it.]
and pulled out another sheet,attching it to the screen on the wall.
[Missing spacing. Spelling: attaching.]
The entire surface of thescan area on the new sheetwas pure white.
[Missing spacing. As a student of medicine (at one point, I’ve studied plenty of things but enjoy psychology and linguistics the most), I have to point out that if it was pure white, Ratchet would be twitching and foaming at the mouth. The ability to consciously and normally act depends on parts of the brain being dark. Think of your computer: is there energy flowing through every single circuit at once? No! If you’re using Windows, you can open your settings and look at CPU usage. Chances are it’s running around 4 percent. Open up a bunch of programs, your computer will probably start to slow down before you get to 18 percent. The human brain (on which you’re basing the lombax brain here) is just like that. Part of it is off, when you hear people say ‘we only use 5 percent of our brains’, don’t say ‘hey, any more and we’ll be psychics’, shout “NO DUH!” Too much activity exists, I’ve seen scans of patients residing in mental institutions and they have high activity in 10 percent of their brain, it’s the presence of that hyperactivity that retards their ability to function normally. Take the scan of a 5 IQ football player and set it side by side with a 200 IQ physics professor and the difference won’t be so much the raw amount of activity as _where_ the activity is, both of which would still look nearly identical anyway.
This concludes my biochemistry rant. Thank you for your patience.]
"... these are theresults of Ratchet's CAT scan.
his brain produces at least twenty times more alpha waves than the average lombax."
[See rant, though you have some more room here because a reading of increased alpha waves can indicate increased rates and not just raw more stuff being on.]
I know these are the the 'strange results'
[Avoid inserting a narrative detail into the dialogue unless the character is a sarcastic smartass. I do that all the time, when something comes that I called in advance, I’ll say the word ‘sigh’ and people will roll their eyes.]
I don't think I've ever seen such a beneficial DNA mutation.
[Just one problem: mutation destroys data, it doesn’t create new data. At best, it rearranges existing data. That’s why mutations result in birth defects, cancer, and death – and remember relative perspective, the genes for sickle cell anemia are also immune to malaria, so in regions with high malaria incidence (particularly Africa, if I remember my lectures correctly), there is a high incidence of anemia. It’s still damaged data, it just happens to provide enough benefit for the specific circumstance that the organism isn’t forced to die out.]
explained the old cazar,
[Weren’t you capitalizing “Cazar”?]
especially with your mind needing to be focused on the battlefield.
[I would think that these would be noticed long before he became a soldier.]
I wouldn't go so far as to say 'powers;'your ecsessive
[Missing spacing. Spelling: excessive.]
so it comes in powerful bursts during times ofintense emotion,
but, until then, I've been given permission to present him with a prototype device
[How convenient that the first psychic gets a device to help his powers.]
"That would explain the hight rate oftilted picture frames
[Spelling: high. Missing spaces.]
It's left me a little confused as to who I should trust."
[That’s a good point, but it’s taking the story in a different direction that the story doesn’t touch on at all. As such, my recommendation is to remove this. The story is about fighting Nefarious, not Ratchet developing extra-sensory perception.]
and intwining her fingers with his.
but a moderatly loud creak drew everyone's attention to the double doors,
Simply attatch it to the inside of your helmet an switch it on.
[Spelling: attach, and.]
You can use the collected energy to power some of your weapons too."
[Though he doesn’t have StelCorp’s nanoplant, a charge would only be useful for purely energy weapons.]
"Command just discovered where those meteors came from!"
[Thought it’s good to be getting back to the main story point, but I wanted to point out that his psychic powers section seemed to be diverging a little much, and the scene is written in a manner that suggests strongly that the stuff here is going to be followed up on. It’s threatening the core of the story, and you’ve done a good job of fighting against Nefarious, I recommend you stick with that. Unfortunately, I have to leave you and this scene with that, all I can think of to reduce the possible overimportance is to compress and shorten the doctor scene a little.]
Writing's improving. God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 15 . 4/19/2007
Nefarious and Lawrence stood in the cabin of an automatedshuttle,
asked Lawrence for thethird time (with the solepurpose of pestering the doctor).
[Missing spacing. Also, avoid using parenthesis within the narrative. There’s really no need for them, a simple comma after ‘time’ would have done the separation job nicely.]
sliding a hand down his face,"we're going to a space station I built a few years ago."
[Missing spacing, capitalization.]
I'lltake it from there."
Thrity minutes later,
it consisted of five large sperical chambers,
Th shuttle made its way to
the robots obediantly walked over to the pipe
It uses immense electro-magnetic fields to propel objects at enourmous speed!
[Spelling: enormous. And then there’s its colloquial one-upper found in the RA2 : ginormous.]
and crosshairs targettedits center.
blue bolts of lightning arking across its length.
Ratchet and Sasha walked throught the corridors of the Palace
they came to the conferrence room door.
walking overwraping her in a tight hug.
[Missing spacing and a conjunctive like ‘and’, because these are two separate actions.]
"It's just that I havn't seen you for quite a while.
Hello Seargent Ratchet."
They entered the conferrence room.
a secratary quietly entered the room,
the president told the secratary,
and he placed his forehead in hisright hand,
Sasha and Ratchet attepted to talk some sense into them,
"There is is!" Sasha cried, pointing a gloved finger at it.
[Typo: should say ‘it is’ instead of ‘is is’.]
Once they reached the room,
[What room? All you said was that she leads him away from the bunker. If they enter another portion of the palace complex, please tell us readers about it. Otherwise, how are we to know?]
motioning for Ratched to follow.
and thay waited for the inevitable,
It was coming in at a very shallow angle,
[Meteors that come at a shallow angle skip off the atmosphere. Sometimes one that come straight on can also ‘bounce’ off the atmosphere, that’s why intraorbital craft have to make such precise re-entries. Pick the steeper path, that’s more believable for something fired from a railgun from a distant point in the system.]
the meteor sliced through the planets atmospere,
An immensly loud crash
[Spelling: immensely. However, instead of just saying ‘very loud’, sometimes describing it in terms of physical force, like mentioning the ground shaking, is more effective for describing the sound.]
accompanied by violent shaking,
[I recommend deleting this and combining it with describing the force of the sound/impact.]
andcracking walls and floors.
bathing the entire complex inpitch black darkeness.
[Missing spacing. Spelling: darkness.]
neather willing to let go for fear that they might lose the other.
reaching the end and entring the main foyer.
making slow, but steady, progress toward the foyer's main doors.
a large peice of metal shrapnel was embedded in his leg.
supports and girdirs snapping and crashing to the ground.
[Spelling: girders. By the way, a girder is a type of structural support, only use one of them in describing the collapse.]
They needed to reach the exit before they were both prematurely cremated.
[It appears being crushed to death would be the more imminent threat than being burned to death.]
trying to add a littlehopefullness to the otherwise bleak situation.
sending themand bitsof doorskidding along the ground outside.
helifted a remote with a large green button in the center,"I
his head trobbing with every beat of his heart.
sounding a little frantic,"Where are the others?
our friends made it out ok,"
[Clank would use the more explanative ‘uninjured’ instead of rather vague ‘okay’.]
Whateverhe had to say,
Just the soldierI was looking for,"
I need you for an escourt mission."
[Spelling: escort. And let me make reference to one of the mission icons (created by the TV show X-Play): a short stick figure with a tall stick figure holding up an umbrella over the shorter. A symbol of the most hated type of mission in any game I have ever played.]
He found escourt missions rather boring;
and wearing Hazardous Environmet suits.
"I assume that you are our escourt?"
revealing what looked like a large metal box.
[Weren’t they metal cylinders when Nefarious built the cores?]
soutd one of them."
[Spelling: shouted. Extraneous quote mark.]
causing him to jump out of reflexes.
[Improper plural reference: reflex.]
Anouther bolt struck,
and he stopped screaming nearly immediatly after.
the cloud surrounding the antennea was growing.
were to slow,
"Sir, I think we have a problem."
[More than just a problem. And Ratchet’s a good, straightforward soldier. I think he’d say something about ‘Nefarious’ or ‘Biobliterator’.]
Ratchet blasted across the desert witn his charge boots.
The mere thought ofthat filled him with revulsion.
former palalce guards and local militia.
and other verious combat bots,
the general neede to speak with him.
Ratchet felt that he had been denied closure for the unwarrented attacks on his home planet
"I gave you an order, seargent.
concieded Ratchet with a sigh,
to the heat of the daydue to his armor's intigrated personal cooling system.
[Missing spacing. Spelling: integrated.]
The system was first invented when researchers on Marcedia discovered space travel,
Due the the tinted visor of his helmet,
[Not ‘_to_ the’?]
medium sized ships with a cylindical cabin,
used for stablization more than anything else.
[Spelling: stabilization. By the way, that’s generally what wings are for, stabilization and equipment. Only on aircraft are the wings designed for lift.]
Clank and Sasha lookedat Ratchet, their faces inquiring.
The team he escourted trudged across the palteau for a while,
[Spelling: escorted, plateau.]
After some short dialogue about how toget throughthe object's shell,
"Appearantly anotherone of Dr. Nefarious' insane plans
[Spelling: apparently. Missing spacing.]
displaying an arial view of the plateau,
Rangers suddenly remembered how to use their legs a,d broke from their paralyzed state,
running from the machina as quickly as they could,
Right on que,
The continueous lasers impacted on the ground just behind the Rangers
leaving nothin but molten slag where thay once stood.
[Spelling: nothing, they.]
the cloud spread like a shockwave,expanding
impacted in the city's industral district earlier
[Spelling: industrial. Missing spacing.]
guesturing at the Holovid.
No weapon can get throught them, not even a nuclear blast."
that may not not be entirely true..."
but the the best thing to do first
we'll discuss it more with the Galactic Fleet commaders once we get to the Quantm Leap,"
[Spelling: commanders, Quantum.]
Nefarious' enourmous structure continued to spread
[Spelling: enormous. Barring dialectical differences, of which I don’t see enough signs of to assume.]
across the planet,smothering the sunlight all but
Nefarious had put one more feature into his diobolical contraption.
The only difference from the realRangers was that these were jet black.
God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 10 . 4/17/2007
“The thing is, this planet isn’t on any of our galactic maps, so we can’t call for help.”
[How would the presence of the map on charts affect their communications equipment?]
“Were’s everyone else?”
It turned out that Ratchet had suffered a minor concusion from his impact in the ship,
but it was to dark to see anything.
[Word confusion: you should have used “too”.]
Since you won’t be escaping anytime soon,
[Stupid! Do these people not read Peter Anaspach? The evil overlord should _never_ reveal his plan! ...That list is a riot, you need to read it, Google it and you’ll find it easy.]
It was then than a liquidy,
[Either just ‘liquid’ or ‘liquid-like’.]
He called over to her and, after a short conversation,
[In which there is curiously no note of ‘Ratchet’s’ missing injuries.]
How Qwark had managed to survive one day without his millions of delusional fans,
[The comma is disruptive to sentence flow, I’d delete it.]
Everyone but the look-alike rolled their eyes.
[Wouldn’t everyone but Qwark roll their eyes?]
pulling out the Omnywrench that he had stolen from Ratchet.
[Spelling: omniwrench. Capitalization varies if I remember the games correctly, so it’s whatever seems appropriate to you.]
“It’s getting to dark to see.
[Spelling: should say “getting _too_ dark”.]
but her left arm was still to close and suffered painful radiation burns.
[Plasma isn’t typically radioactive, it would be hot enough that the issue would be tissue vaporizing instead of just burning, though minor cases could still use ‘burns’ as a simple way of referring to the superficial damage.]
She looked back in horrer,
expecting to see Ratchet's charred body lifelesson the ground,
but was instead greeted by the most bizzare,
but a silverytenticle sprouted out of the creature's side,
[Missing space after ‘silvery’ (though I’d have used ‘metallic’, possibly ‘mercurial’, all of them serve the same purpose). Spelling: tentacle.]
Three more tenticles emerged
and quickly subdued the other mambers of the Q-Force
Her vision was begining to fade,
leading to a large clearing with an dark,
[Misuse of particle: should be ‘a’ instead of ‘an’.]
completely ignoring the flaura cutting at his legs.
but it didn't necissarily mean that everyone at the camp was safe.
his Omnywrench was missing,
[Again, I’ll point out that I think it was spelled “omniwrench”.]
like in every cliched mystery holovid he'd ever seen, led into the forest.
[Not any other options, when he’s _surrounded by forest on all sides_.]
equiping his Splitter Rifle and making his way into the dense jungle.
and began to shape-shift into one of the planets indigionous predators;
a quadrpedal beast with short,
held was woefully innadiquate for the situation didn't help.
yet T-34 only opened small holes in his body,
[Rapidly opening a hole through the body to prevent the lasers from striking would take a great deal of energy. For a creature of energy/metal, I would think it would be much more tactically economic just to let the shots hit and cause their pinpricks of damage, like the T-10 of “Terminator 2” did.]
a bright beam of energy sliced throught the air,
which promptly changed back to its origional form.
he was the only other person on this planet.
[Though they thought they were the only ones on the planet before the T-34 appeared. There could be a whole civilization they just haven’t run into.]
sprinting to meet the enimy head-on.
[Spelling: enemy. That mistake was without excuse.]
sending the weapon skidding 15 feet away.
[In this case, a generic ‘skidding away’ works better. Shorter is generally better in fight scenes – not always, but often.]
only inches frome her face.
the silver drops were once again moving together,
[Moving together implies uniform movement along a parallel path of travel, collecting together implies that it’s re-forming.]
and equiping his Liquid Nitrogen Gun.
tearing flesh and lacerating muscle.
[‘Tear’ and ‘lacerate’ serve about the same purpose, I would have just said ‘tearing flesh and muscle’ because ‘lacerate’ carries a slight intonation of sharp accuracy and ‘tear’ carries a more familiar intonation of raw damage.]
snapping it off comepletly.
intent on tearing him apart.t
[Extraneous ‘t’ following the period.]
examaning the vast manageri of machines and experiments.
[Spelling: examining, menagerie.]
his dissapointment evident.
Qwark and the others needed adabliquid nitrogen persuasion before they woke up,
[Liquid nitrogen would freeze and destroy tissue before the nerves had a chance to register the cold.]
There was no guarentee that whoever sabotaged the Pheonix had given up on them.
[Spelling: guarantee, Phoenix.]
and hereyelids soonbecame heavy,
"Excellent," he replied, drawing out the e's,
[All three, or the initial syllable?]
A portal-like door opened,
[You do realize that portal is a non-descriptive word for ‘opening, gateway, doorway’, it gives absolutely no hint as to what the door looks like. Is it square? Circular? Does it open like an iris, or split and slide apart?]
each one opening with a quick swish sound.
[Why is ‘a’ formatted in italics?]
The new entrants proceeded to empty the cylenders' of their contents,
Each robot picked up a slab and began to, carfully, weld them to to the armor-clad transmutation cores.
[Spelling: carefully. Extraneous ‘to’. Extraneous commas surrounding ‘carefully’.]
Nefarious examined his minion's handywork:
At least, not until it's to late to do anything about it."
"Well, I've definately felt better,"
She lfted her splinted arm.
they hadtouched downon a small landing pad near the palace,
a crowd of HV news reporters stood in the main foyar of the palace,
She was drowned out by another journalinst, this one addresing Ratchet.
[Spelling: journalist, addressing.]
they were able to make it to the infurmery without furthur delay.
[Spelling: infirmary, further.]
the walls were pure white and the air smelled of medical supplies.
[‘smelled of medical supplies’ doesn’t describe anything, thousands of smells could be described as being like a medical supply. Generally, the smell of generic sterilizers or anesthetics might be thought of as the smell of a medical ward.]
and the main artery that supplied blood to his arm had been cut open.
[And pulling off the bandage that held it closed would cause blood to spurt and cause enormous pain.]
and began torummage through the cabinets. After a minut,
[Missing spacing. Spelling: minute.]
a rather large syringe.
[Why would he need a syringe? Nanotech applies itself without need for intravenous injection and even if it did, we’ve already got Star Trek-like hypospray devices, at this point in technology they’d undoubtedly be using those instead.]
It was an old childhood phobia of hers.
"Now that we're done her,
why amI standing out here?"
He got up as quickl as possible,
God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 5 . 4/15/2007
tossing another piece of rock at a distant spot of light, which, it seemed, had gotten larger since the last time he looked at it.
[If a comet is approaching, it’s likely that he would have noticed and realized what it is. Granted, Nefarious is stupid. I should mention that you make overuse of commas in this sentence. I’d rephrase like this:]
tossing another piece of rock at a distant spot of light that seemed to have gotten larger since he last looked at it.
Nefarious walked over to Lawrence and smacked him in the back of the head.
[Nefarious tends to just yell. He’s a talker, he moves his mouth than any other part of his body. As such, he’d just stand hoveringly over Lawrence.]
a comet the size of a Tyrranoid drop ship slammed right into Nefarious’ back,
[Just saying that the comet ‘slammed into Nefarious’ gets the point across quite well.]
but I can tell that it is a large planet, mostly desert.”
[How would he know?]
and reappeared on an arid plateau, or
[Unintentional paragraph break, please repair.]
and prevent him self from becoming buried in the sand below.
The one where I rule an entire Galaxy of robots!
[Capitalization: galaxy. It’s only capitalized if it’s acting as part of a proper noun, like Bogon Galaxy.]
“Just three, sir, one killed, two damaged.”
[I like how you properly use and expand ‘casualties’, that’s something many writers get wrong.]
This chapter shows that your writing has improved dramatically from chapter 1, I’m proud to say that there was nothing of note. Normally my reviews of chapters are much longer, but I had almost no criticism to provide.
A few sitting near him slapped him on the shoulder and thanked him for his help.
[Not the wrong one, I assume.]
he thoughtbut he was tired enough not to care.
[Missing space between “thought” and “but”.]
Ratchet quickly spotted it and got a sudden look of anticipation on his face.
Ratchet quickly spotted it and smiled in anticipation.
playing a versus game of Battle Craft 2, and, apparently Skidd, judging by his loud, obnoxious gloating, was winning.
[This becomes a run-on with too many commas.]
playing a versus game of Battle Craft 2. Judging by his loud, obnoxious gloating, Skidd was winning.
due to the fact that the volume of the Holovid wad been turned up pretty loud.
her voice an amalgamation of joy and concern.
[I’m less than used to seeing ‘amalgamation’ applied to two things, most of the time it’s used for a large number of things merged to create something new, like English being an amalgamation of Indo-European languages.]
So soundly, in fact, that they didn’t hear the grinding sounds coming from the cargo hold.
[Wouldn’t the cargo hold(s) be too far away from crew quarters for them to hear anything? Space ships, even more than naval vessels, are built in a highly compartmentalized fashion with redundant layers everywhere possible. Instead, you could just say that none of them heard the grinding sounds. Or leave it, either way does serve the purpose of the narrative.]
“Weapons Development Outpost 0300.
[Missing closing double-quote mark.]
and delicate manipulation if objects,
[Spelling: _of_ objects.]
let’s take on of these ships to Daxx.
I don’t want to waste anymore time on this forsaken mud ball.”
[Wasn’t it described as a dusty, arid planet?]
“Nothin’ can beat the comforts of ho-,”
[Normally I decry the use of onomatopoeias, but this is well done to create a forceful interjection from the peaceful situation.]
Several thuds coming from the dorm rooms indicated that the rest of the Q-Force had suffered the same thing.
[They’re typically referred to as ‘quarters’.]
The writing doesn't have too many trouble spots, I'm glad to see that you haven't made the mistake of combining different people into one paragraph. It feels a bit wandering, like something written without an outline (though those can make some of the best stories, I know), just be sure to keep the final goal in mind not only while you're writing, but keep the audience thinking about it at least somewhat each chapter.
God bless and happy writing,
| Granatomjot chapter 24 . 3/20/2007
Jeez, I thought you disappeared!
Overall, the chapter is well rounded, and it's a good way to start wrapping up a story without slopping through the last few chapters.
| Mr. D 91 chapter 24 . 3/20/2007
You have returned! Hellz yeah, beeatch!
Another new chapter; another step closer to finishing this blasted story! :P I hope the battle between Ratchet and Nefarious will be spectacular.
Yada-yada-yada; got nughin' else to say, other than the fact that it's good that you haven't abandoned this story.
Are Ratchet's last words in this chapter mirroring what you were feeling when you submitted it?
| pyrocajun2707 chapter 23 . 1/18/2007
DUDE, this is getting so good! I can just feel the battle brewing, and it's boiling my blood with adrenaline. It's so well-explained and described that I feel like I'm there in the cockpit. Keep 'em coming, man!
| asbiahr0w4yh chapter 23 . 11/13/2006
It's good that you finally got a new chapter posted up and that you haven't forgotten about the story. I know how it is when you want to take a break from writing, though. Before I start to plan anymore for my Orlanian Chronicles remake I'll probably take some time off from writing so I can get my head cleared up. :)
But to get back on subject this chapter was very good-I don't think you've gotten rusty at all with your writing because the chapter still had good descriptions and you did a good job with the characterizations, as usual. :)
Just a couple minor problems here. One was that I saw several typos in this chapter. Just use the spell check every now and then and that'll fix it right up. ;) Also this line sounded a bit awkward:
"Sasha! What happened?" yelled Ratchet, failing miserably at an effort to sound professional.
The cazar gritted her teeth, her head throbbing after taking a hit from an enemy fighter, "Yeah, I am, but my ship's shields are almost gone."
When Sasha replied "Yeah, I am" it made it sound like Ratchet should've asked her if she was ok instead of "What happened". You see what I mean here? It just sounds kind of funny when it's like this:
"Yeah, I am."
XD But other than that this was an awesome chapter-I can't wait to see how this thing ends!
| Mr. D 91 chapter 23 . 11/13/2006
'Ratchet, are you sure about that? That seems more like a plan that Captain Qwark would come up with, minus the gloating and self-glorification.'-Sasha
Seemed to be the funniest quote I could find.
Anywho, glad to gave you back, dude! I can see your writing skills haven't gotten rusty during your absence. Hell fricken' yes!
And with only two more chapters to go (quite sudden, BTW), I can only expect one smexxy fight to the death between Ratchet and Nefarious. Ooh-yeah.
Bring it on.
| superdork398 chapter 3 . 8/3/2006
This was a very funny chapter. I liked when Clank pulled his arms, legs and head into his torso like a turtle. Adios.
| superdork398 chapter 2 . 8/2/2006
Nice, I'll have to read more later. Adios.