|Reviews for California|
| Funkymaster chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
Hey There! I was asked to do a review of a text here for an assignment in my literature class. There are parameters so please don't be .
LOYALTY TO STORY DESIGN: I do agree this ending is long awated. I was always dissapointed by the absence of a true conclusion. People may argue that the anticipation of a happy ending whose events are relatively obvious is part of the magic. Speaking of the story as a film, I agree, but since your fanfic is in a literary format and not that of a screenplay it works well. The ending you created has much the same effect as the ending in the film. It creates an anticipation for greater things. The mention of Chucky and the rest of WIll's possy is a great addition. It shows loyalty to the original story if nothing else. : )
GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: Others have already commented on this. Honestly, the spelling is the least important aspect of the fanfic in my opinion. It does not harm the relaying of the intended message, but grammar can and does. You have included a few run-on sentences that can confuse a reader (or me anyway).
"He had left a note for Maguire but it had not seemed enough, as well as Chuckie well he had seemingly done hat he had hoped those ten seconds he walks to his door everyday."
This is the specific passage I had trouble with.
PRESENCE OF CLICHES: The only real cliche I saw here was Skylar's reaction to WIll's arrival. He did after all break her heart. (Also, my impression in the film was that more than just a few days passed between her departure to california and his. The drive alone would take about a week in that car, wouldn't it?) It just falls a little too closely to the moments in movies when two people run gallantly toward eachother and embrace on the beach accompanied by sappy music.
INCLUSION OF IRRELEVANT DETAILS: There is only one inclusion I thought may be unessecary. The character Dug is an antogonist that does not fit in with the flow of the story. There is no reason to create more conflict just before the end of this text. It creates a sort of kink in the progression of events.
I hope you can recieve this as nothing more than constructive and above all, friendly criticism for your next fanfic sumbission. Thanks a bunch!
| atromiti chapter 2 . 1/2/2007
Not bad, but watch your run-on sentences; by cramming so many events in each sentence, the overall feel is rushed and disorienting. Periods, commas, and semicolumns are your friends, believe me!
On the same note, try and seperate different parts of the chapter with pagebreakers.
| pixiebells chapter 1 . 12/23/2006
the ending is so, so sweet.
It's nice to have a few fics to play out how they got together after the movie ended. :) keep writing.
| osadjsapomao chapter 1 . 9/23/2005
It's good, but there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes.
| aquajen468 chapter 1 . 8/31/2005
I wish the movie had been five minutes longer, becasue that is the perfect ending
| DyranHunter chapter 1 . 8/26/2005
*huggles Will and Skylar*
This is a lovley ending, to one of my all time favourite films!
| Maeusle chapter 1 . 8/26/2005