|Reviews for The Hidden Realm|
| pruedence110588 chapter 1 . 4/30/2008
This is very interesting. I love that you have all the characters from the book, some fics I've read have a bunch of new made up ones and so I just got confused. I found myself reading your little riddle over and over a few times trying to figure out who it meant. Well, I'm off to read the next chapter.
| Hadassah chapter 1 . 9/12/2005
I like it. It's a very good start, and I can hardly wait for you to continue. :)
| Asmodeus1389 chapter 1 . 9/2/2005
This sounds like a good beginning, you just need to brush up on a few points. You originally call Atalanta indigo colored; she's more of a grayish-purple/twilighty color.
You also have several run-on sentences. You might want to get in the habit of making your sentences shorter, just so that it is easier to read. Some of your word orders are slightly messed up, and you probably want to avoid brackets.
Another suggestion of mine is to not forget about putting punctuation in dialogue( "Oh, could I, Atalanta?"). Also, you might want to set off thinking words with Italics (you can acess that in the Edit/Preview section of Document Manager). Not all thought needs to be Italic, just direct thoughts, like (Italic)What could this mean(endItalic), thought Atalanta.
Oh, and Finn is a Captain, not a caption, and the Watching Pool is a Proper Noun.
Otherwise, Great! 'Blanketed' is such a great term - so descriptive, *and* not commonly used. You get super points for that. Plus, your ending is very suspenseful. Comparing Numinor's horn to a spear is quite nice, I agree with Horsefeathers. However, I think Toby is brown and white, not black and white.
| horsefeathers75 chapter 1 . 8/25/2005
This is a good beginning to what sounds to be a good story! Keep it up, but there were a few details and mistakes:
-In the first sentence, it reads: "The beautiful indigo coated ( with a cream mane and tail) Dreamspeaker ..." Try not to use brackets in your story, it takes away from everything else and stands out too harshly. Maybe in the next sentence that mentioned the Dreamspeaker, you could've pointed out the colour of her mane?
-"oddly colored brown and white unicorn Toby ..." Isn't it 'oddly coloured black and white unicorn'? :)
-'“Oh could I Atalanta”, he pleaded ...' A few errors in this sentence, which should be changed to something like this: 'Oh, could I, Atalanta?" he pleaded ...' Also, throughout the story, in lines of dialogue, you type it as this: "It is okay Rednal", Atalanta whispered. It should be this: "It is okay Rednal," Atalanta whispered. Don't notice anything? Pay attention to the placement of the comma and the quotation marks (Proper way: ," - comma before the quotation mark). There are times when you can to this ", but it doesn't apply with anything your writing.
-Watching Pool - capitalized! Remember that! :)
-“I call upon Finn, caption of the Royal Calvary ..." Captain instead of caption.
-"What could this mean thought, Atalanta knew that the scepter was extremely powerful she had know idea it could call on her." Should be: 'What could this mean?' thought Atalanta. She knew that the scepter was extremely powerful, but she had no idea it could call on her.
-"This must be extremely important she wondered ..." There should be a comma between 'important' and 'she'. Like this: This must be extremely important, she wondered.
-' ...I have received from the mare of the mountain”.' Mare of the Mountain is capitalized, and period before the quotation marks.
-"This was indeed strange, why had the ancient mare sent the scepter to tell her instead of telling Atalanta herself." A few problems with this. Properly, it should read like this: "This was indeed strange. Why had the ancient mare sent the scepter to tell her instead of telling Atalanta herself?"
-"The scepter continued," Doesn't look proper unless you have the dialogue immediately following, not a paragraph away. If it is, it should be "The scepter continued." That still works, but if you wish to keep the comma, maybe move the dialogue up a line, or this sentence down one.
-' ... I knew it as soon as set was the jewel beneath my carved my horn.' This doesn't make sense with the word order. Perhaps you were aiming for an archaic sound? But this isn't correct (You could manage an archaic sound without being grammatically incorrect, it just needs practise! :) ). It sound be: 'I knew it as soon as the jewel was set beneath my carved my horn.'
-' ...I always new would happen ”' Where's the period? Or, if you wish, the colon?
-"One from else ware ..." Spelling mistake can easily be fixed by putting two words together and changing a few letters, until we get 'elsewhere.' :)
-' ... that with you I will be from time to time.”' Again, were you aiming for an archaic sound? It ended up a tad muddled. 'That I will be with you from time to time,' works and sounds much better.
-"Strange thought Atalanta." Instead, try "Strange, thought Atalanta."
A very good story, though. I can't wait to see where it's headed, it is quite inriguing. And just one last piece: perhaps you might like to add a tad more description; it felt just a little empty and moved a bit quickly.
However, I do like this as a very good first chapter to a hopefully very good story. A few of my favourite parts where: " ... the deadly battle spear on his forehead that proved itself as a horn." I like that line, its a great comparison.
Also: "Dawn blanketed over the celestial herd as they slept basking in the soft glow." I adore your first sentence; descriptive, catching and ... great! I like the words 'dawn blanketed.' I don't know why, but perhaps its because it makes me feel the light as well as if I'm standing there. Great work with that!
And, too, you managed to keep everyone in character; my favourite part of this was Toby, always grumpy, huh? :) Also, I like what you did with Rednal in this first chapter. I never thought about how he must feel leaving his friend, Finn, behind in Balinor while he returned to the Celestial Valley.
I also like the scepter appearing in the water to tell Atalanta the riddle - leaving readers with questions: why didn't the Old Mare tell her? What's the meaning of this riddle? Who are these people it tells us of? An intriguing hook that has left me wanting to read the second chapter of this story. Great job! The only thing that seemed off were those pesky spelling errors. But agian, fantastic!
| Lightfoot chapter 1 . 8/22/2005
Nice beginning. You have a few errors but nothing to be worried about. Great job.