Reviews for Too Hot
PrincessGBRS chapter 8 . 5/18/2010
This is the best Fanfic ever!
PrincessGBRS chapter 3 . 5/18/2010
You are an amazing writer! I love the O'Malley's when I read the series and Your FF just brought them to light in a whole new way.
PrincessGBRS chapter 1 . 5/17/2010
I love this!
D.P. MacNamara chapter 1 . 9/20/2006
I like this. You use some of the techniques that Dee does like short sentences that remain descriptive. However, you sometimes (not always) lack the sense that something very important is being left unsaid. That constant understatement grabs a reader's attention and makes them pay attention to every word, for every word is vital. Maybe a shift in the adjecitves and more decisive verbs will achieve this for you. I really do like your style though; it's effective.
TAMMI chapter 7 . 1/20/2006
Love it! Am looking forward to more OMalley stories and when is your book hiting stands Im sure I would enjoy it as you are a very talented writer.
Danni Evans chapter 3 . 12/4/2005
hello again, i'm back

again, i noticed some weirdness with punctuation and lack thereof, creating some awkward sentences. and again, i found some hard-to-follow conversations because of the paragraph thing. and again, i really like your humour. a lot.

new comments that aren't included in my previous review:

there was one place that seemed like it should have had a question mark at the end of the sentence: "do i at least get a good-bye kiss." And that reminds me, there was one like that in chapter 2, i think, but I can't remember where.

Consider revising tenses sometimes: "Jennifer fought the cancer with everything she had" could be changed to "Jennifer was fighting the cancer..."

Ahh! i just read the cliffhanger at the end of chapter 3...ah! (this is exactly why i love Dee Henderson's books: they're so exciting!)

and chapter 4 is really exciting; i enjoyed reading it, especially since it's really well-written. somehow, though, i can't picture Cassie crying...

i like the miracle in ch.6 and your use of nightmares throughout the story. i can't wait to read the rest of the story! poor o'malleys, you'd think they spent enough time in hospitals! hee hee.

danni evans
Danni Evans chapter 2 . 12/4/2005
i really like your story so far, and i can't wait to finish it. but there are a few things i wanted to say before i got any further into the story and forgot them...(sorry if i sound really picky, but i was just doing major revisions on my english paper and i'm sort of in the mode...)

First, i noticed a few places where conversations sound a bit stilted with "I am" instead of "I'm" (especially where someone says "I am gonna..."). Might I suggest using more conjunctions in informal conversation?

I also found it hard to follow some conversations and figure out who was speaking. Generally, the conventional way to display conversations is by beginning a new paragraph every time a new person is speaking, just to make it easier to follow for the reader.

Also, one thing that just really bugged me (I just read the o'malley series last month, so it's really fresh) is that you called Dave's sister Sara Adams. The guy she married, just for the record, is Adam Black.

Another thing that bugged me a bit is "Bj." In the book both initials are capitalized: BJ. Personally, I think it looks better.

Some uses of words like "however" and "therefore" sound a bit stilted in a fiction setting, and sound like they belong more in academic writing (I should know, I've been using enough of them! hee hee).

Thank you, though, for spelling things correctly! It bugs me to no end when people say 'you're' instead of 'your,' or vice versa.

I also really like the humour you use. It's not only really funny, but I think it really captures the same tone as Dee Henderson uses. (Other books of hers I really like, in case you haven't read them, are the Uncommon Heroes books, about guys in the army and their stories. They are so good!)

I noticed in one of your paragraphs from the stalker's POV, you said 'he made sure he left no trace of him" (or something like that), and I would suggest that you say "left no trace of himself."

You might want to consider using more commas in conversation, particularly when people say stuff like, "Yeah I am fine." Also going back to the conjunctions thing, I think a better way to put this is: "Yeah, I'm fine."

Generally, your use of punctuation seems a bit awkward to me at times. I could go through the entire story and make suggestions on where to place colons, semi-colons, and so on.

As long as I'm going on in this vein, I may as well officially offer my services. Do you have a beta reader/editor? If not, I'd love to help you out. If you're interested, my email is (and I'd really like to see more of your stuff soon!)

I'm about to read your chapters 3-7, so I'll give you more crit shortly.

Danni Evans
dd9736 chapter 1 . 12/4/2005
I'm really liking this, I can't read more now, but I will tonight, I noticed that in the last paragraph, you used Jack's name in practically every sentence, it's a bit overkill, in my opinion. otherwise good job so far.
goblz chapter 7 . 11/29/2005
Excellent chapter. I'm curious to see where this is going now that the stalker is in jail. Poor Jack feeling responsible, even though deep down he knew it wasn't his fault. I am really interested to see where this is going!
goblz chapter 6 . 11/27/2005
I am so sorry, I would have sworn that I reviewed this! I got your Private Message, and I wondered why I didn't get an alert that you updated, lol, and then I went to your page and, well, lol, anyway. I really thought I had reviewed this, I am so sorry!

This is a great chapter; there are plenty of chances here for you to insert some heavy emotion. I really hope you update soon! I'm sure Jack and Cassie are/will be okay but I want to read what happens next! And I want to see the O'Malleys at the hospital worrying over Jack. LOL.
TAMMIHINDSYAHOO.COM chapter 6 . 10/13/2005
LOVE IT WOULD LOVE TO SEE MORE OMALLEY STORIES
Renege chapter 6 . 10/3/2005
Yay! Very good. I've really enjoyed this story. What is the name of your book?
Herald Tamara chapter 5 . 9/24/2005
OH NO! WHAT A PLACE TO STOP I CANT WAIT TO READ MORE I LIKE YOU WOULD LOVE TO SEE MORE OMALLEY STORIES.

YOU ARE A VERY TALENTED WRITER I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE
goblz chapter 4 . 9/23/2005
Mellon nin? Where is your next chapter? I hope you didn't take my other review the wrong way; I did like this chapter, I was just trying to give you constructive criticism. I hope that it's not the reason that you aren't updating because I really would like to read more! If Real Life got in the way I totally understand. I will wait patiently for the next chapter.

*waits patiently*
Tea23 chapter 4 . 9/4/2005
oh my gosh! that was definatly a great chapter. I cant wait to see how everything goes! you've done a great job. Keep up the great work!
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