|Reviews for The Ultimate Power|
| Insomniac By Choice chapter 1 . 8/28/2005
Is this a bad fic? Yes, fairly bad.
Is the idea for it bad? Probably. If not the overall idea of Samus talking in spirit to Old Bird about the meaning of life, the theme and execution of it certainly are.
Is Samus - in the brief way she is presented here- out of character? I feel so. Besides being all super-clingy, having her feel joy and peace regarding the Metroid larva is a bit of a reach in my book, but I'll grant that it's a quasi-valid interpretation under the proper circumstances. I just don't think you've given the proper circumstances here.
This has the feeling of being preachy, extremely preachy. And that's a bad thing. If you want to make it less preachy, try making it a discussion. An argument. Unlike Mungo, I don't have a problem with the style because it works for... whatever in the devil this conversation is. It's not actual dialogue so normal quotations and such would actually work against it. But just having Samus Aran, who would at the time of this story is an independent adult with much experience in life and a fully formed philosophy, totally bend to "OB" like that just doesn't work. I don't buy it and I don't think there's any interpretation given in the Metroid games that leads us to believe Samus Aran is meek. If anything, just the opposite is true. So when OB says love is the key to life, Samus counters with “don’t you have something more worthwhile to tell me than that trite nonsense?” OB says love helps the weakest defeat the strongest, Samus challenges him with “then how were you Chozo, in all of your love, able to fall victim to the Pirates on Zebes or the Worm on Tallon IV?” Etc. Without these counter-points, you’ve inserted yourself as Old Bird, lecturing Samus Aran on her life and Samus Aran doesn’t just accept lectures from any man, woman, beast, alien, or author.
Besides, she is indeed the best there is. ;)
| MungoJerry chapter 1 . 8/27/2005
HOLY GRAMMAR, BATMAN! You might want a beta-reader or editor or something, because there are some rather painful english and punctuation problems here. I get this feeling that you're not a native english speaker, in which case go you for trying. If not, and even if you are, I again suggest that you find someone who can advise you and help edit your work. That alone will help you improve immensely.
I'd also advise you to add quotes around speech lines, instead of the hyphen. Not only would this be grammatically correct and more visually pleasing, but I think it would add a stylistic touch. If you don't want to add background detail aside from the speech, try giving the speakers more unique voices.
I think you've got a beautiful premise here, I like the theme, you just need to expand and refine the structure itself. The building blocks are there. :)
Hope this helps!