Reviews for Son of Mine
Maiafay chapter 85 . 7/12/2007
Concrit? Why?

LOL, really, there isn't anything I could see that needed help. Oh wait!

Here: The rubber band snapped, stinging his fingers slightly as the material lost the battle against his strength. Imakarum hissed slightly.

Two slightly's-but that's really all I found aside from you dipping your big toe in the Adverb Pool more often than not. I would say if you revise, see which adverbs you can trim.

As far as introspection, POV and so forth, you did well. Some terms were unfamiliar, but this isn't my fandom. I did see the Guyver a long time ago, but that was the movie with Luke Sky-I mean Mark Hamill. Just kidding...and I also saw it a number of times and was interested in the Guyver for a while, but I've forgotten some of the names for the aliens and so forth.

You have a clear concise way of writing, no muddled spots I could see other than some infodumping in the beginning-but it wasn't that distracting. If you don't know what I mean, infodumping is the plotline, and character telling too much too quickly in the story. I realize you are only trying to ease in readers who may not understand this world-and that's okay.

Your grammar is great-maybe some awkward one word sentences laced with a longer one:

"Yeah; thanks Dad."

That was a little odd, but grammatically correct if you want a longer pause than what a comma would give you. Again, these are just tiny things that I noticed here and there, but for the most part, your work is sound.

You and I have the same problem...I think we both reached the limit of what readers can concrit on, and it's time to leave fandom behind and seek our own stories. I'm already doing that, but I suggest for you to try as well. I think you have talent, and I wish you luck in your impending writing career.
Flyingskull chapter 85 . 7/1/2007
Right, I know absolutely nothing about this Guyver series, but that's not important. I read fics as I read books, I don't expect to know a thing about the story and characters and expect to find out as I read.

The overall impression is good. The story has a nice slow development, the plot is understandable and most of the characters are persons.

I like your descriptions of battles, they read like a ballet, possibly because you write them with an odd detachment that takes away all urgency. This is probably not a good thing in general, as you are writing fics about a distinctly battle-centred canon, but I am personally bored to death by fight scenes and I found yours interesting because non standard.

I also like the terseness of your style. True, it becomes a bit cold and even flat at times, but being spared purple prose and neverending descriptions is such a boon that I could easily overlook the flat parts.

I like that your heroes are what I presume to be the villains of the series. Villains interest me, what can I say? You seem to like a lot shiny Arkanphel - as an aside, no-one but no-one beats the Japanese at stupid names for their characters, not even Marvel - he comes out as a sort of cross between a saint and a god, but you manage to make him irritating which is a very very good thing.

Agito as Byronic hero is very well written; he's faceted and conflicted, but is never sentimental: passion is the key here and you use it very well. The others are a mixed bunch, I can get no sense of Mazaki or Tetsuro, they are mere shadows; Sho, OTOH, is a clearly shown person, not one I would stand for extended periods of time, but even fools have a place in a story and he's a very well written fool.

I was delighted by the little dig at Tolkien, BTW.

Now to the cons.

There are some typos and mistakes in punctuation and verb tense, but you just have to proofread more or get a beta to correct them, so no big probbo. What's more of a probbo is what seems to be a fear of using pronouns. Quite often you repeat the character name uselessly, when a 'he' or 'she' would do very well. The plot is a tad bizantine, but that's to be expected in anime/manga fanfics, so I won't grumble, besides it can be followed. You have a tendency to infodump, trust your readers a bit more, especially since they know the canon as well as you.

The main problem with this fic is your OC. Kenji seems too adult at the beginning and far too young after he awakes as a Zoalord. Granted, writing children is difficult exactly for this reason, but the younging-up... Right, that's not a word, I better explain. He sounds 10-11 when he's 6 and sounds 3-4 when he's... theoretically 7. He's also incredibly passive. I mean, I know not all children are brats like I was, but I had woken up in a strange body, a strange *powerful* body at that, when I was seven, father or no father I'd have thrown a tantrum that cold have levelled Cloud Tower... possibly even without any superhuman powers. Yes, I get that he's being mentally manipulated by all and sundry, but still that docile passivity takes a bit more suspension of disbelief that I'm prepared to give any story.

To balance this, daddy Masaki, though feckless beyond belief, is a very well rounded character and manages to keep the rader's interest for the whole story. And Aptom is nicely non-human and a great read.

In conclusion: tighten up your plot a tad, in this particular fic all things directly related to the ACFT could be cut without mangling the storyline. Proofread more. Use pronouns instead of repeating the character's name a zillion times in each paragraph. Less of the infodump. And, but that's such a personal thing I hesitate to say it, write longer chapters, by which I mean, wait before posting until you have chapters roughly double the length of the ones you have. Ninety short chapters give the story a chopped up look that's not right for your leisurely style. I repeat, I read this in one sitting, totally captivated by the story and characters (most of them, anyway) and I really like it a lot. A LOT. :-D
kirallie chapter 85 . 10/25/2006
The end? But ending it is just too sad! Though you did say for now. Does that mean there is possibly a sequal? Hope so! Liked Aptom's reaction to a Zoalord playing hide and seek!
kirallie chapter 75 . 10/24/2006
Hope the council leaves the kid alone (not that he's really a kid anymore but hey). Still think it's sad that they're both in Chronos now. Keep up the great work!
kirallie chapter 65 . 6/8/2006
Wow! Talk about a coincidence, I review and you update. Neat, wonder if it will happen again? Joking. Great work as usual. Glad he is allowed to keep his son with him. Would he be tempted to return to the ACTF? What's happening with the others back in Japan? Keep up the excellent work!
kirallie chapter 54 . 6/8/2006
Technically another for ch55. Really hoping you update soon! You were moving so swiftly and then you suddenyl stopped, why? I feel so sorry for Kenji, to do that to a kid!
Zgirl714 chapter 2 . 5/5/2006
Hey! This is Zgirl714 from LJ and I (finally) have reviewed your fic. Sorry it took me so long. I didn't do a indepth review but choose to point out, with examples, bigger issues. I hope that this helps you.

-Sho Fukamachi was pacing, waiting for Masaki Murakami to return. Sho was worried. Ever since Chronos agents had kidnapped his father and reprocessed him into a deadly Enzyme Mark II, Sho had been terrified that something like that would happen again.-

You mentioned how you like to keep even the Guyver ignorate informed and you do have a problem with description so I think that this would be a prefect place to combine those traits. Briefly describe how that processing or what an Enzyme Mark II is. Something simple like 'Sho's gut clenched when he thought of how his father was [description of processing] and turned into a Enzyme Mark II' or whatever.

-Preparing himself to call on the Guyver-

What does calling on the Guyver feel like? A big problem with this is that you don't use words in a way that captures a reading. Everything is pretty flat. Try to mix sounds and visual descriptions in a way that bounces off the page.

-Tetsuro exclaimed,-

I've noticed that you have used 'snapped', 'reiterated', and 'demanded' instead of things like 'said','replied', and 'asked'. You want the dialogue to overshadow everything so its best to write the dialogue in a way that you don't need crutches like 'snapped' to let the reader know how the character is reacting. Description should also be employed to show the character's body language. 'Snapped' doesn't really tell me much but something like 'Sho slammed himself back into the chair, folding his arms while his mouth puckered into a pout. "I don't want to snap at anyone!"' There you can easily see that Sho is whining and being pentulant.

-Yawning, Masaki dropped into bed, kicking off his shoes and pulling his feet up onto the bed with the rest of him. Setting his sunglasses down on the nightstand, Masaki blinked as his eyes quickly readjusted. Grabbing the pillow, Masaki shoved it into the space between his right arm and his head. As he was just settling down, Masaki heard a knock at his door.-

Be aware when you use the same sentence format many times in a row as the eyes starts to skim the writing. Variety in sentence structure keeps the writing from being flat and keeps the eye interested.

-Finally realizing that nothing short of pounding Guyver I into the ground, which would cause all sorts of other problems, would get Makashima to leave him alone when the boy was in this kind of mood, Masaki gave in.-

It would be good to give a little flashback of sorts to show how their relationship is. How about the last time Makashima was in this sort of mood, what happened then? Keep everything lively and work hard to avoid exposition. Exposition overloading is your greatest weakness as a writing.

-Masaki was, in a word, shocked to see Makashima walking away so soon. -

Take out 'in a word' as phrases like that dull sentences. You need to pack a punch with every sentence. Adverbs will also take away energy from sentences.

- Just then, Agito heard someone knocking at his door.-

Describe the knock. 'The first thud of a fist banging against the wood of his door made Agito jump and the second seemed to vibrate under his feet. Agito strode towards the door as the third knock caused him to grimace at the destruction that was being thrown at the door.' Sure, its a silly little thing that I wrote but it illistrates my point. It makes you (hopefully) want to see what is behind the door. The exposition overloading and flat language that weakens your writing dulls reader anticipation so that they don't care what is behind the door. The best thing to do is find one of your favorite books and try to figure out what that author is doing that makes you turn the pages trying to figure out who is behind the door. I hope that makes sense.
kirallie chapter 55 . 1/21/2006
Bringing Sean Barker in? Hope Chronons doesn't wipe them out! Does Miribalis know about Barker? Glad he still feels for his son in some way. How much paternal feeling is left? More soon please, even though it's depressing that Chronos got both of them!
kirallie chapter 45 . 12/25/2005
Great update! Keep up the excellent work!
AlphaO chapter 36 . 12/21/2005
Wow, I like what you've done so far. Keep up the good work. I also like what you did with Alkanphel and Aptom. That was interesting, to say the least. Keep it coming.
kirallie chapter 36 . 12/20/2005
Poor Kenji! You can't kill the poor kid especially making his dad do it! That's just too cruel! Couldn't he some how fight through whatever they're going to do to make him loyal? Wish you could save his dad as well! Hate the idea of killing him off! More soon please!
Jade Tatsu chapter 17 . 11/10/2005
Heya Cyblade,

It's me again. I was thinking about this one some more and I finally realised what had struck about it. Unfortunately though, it's not a brilliant thing. It's just that you've gone eighteen chapers of essentially set up and not a lot of ground's been covered. The characters have gone from the house to the base. From the play acting else where, I figure you've got a lot of things planned, if not for this fic then maybe for sequels but... it just seems to be moving too slowly and if the pace continues... epics are good, but not epics of stuff we've read before. I think it's because you are covering bits that the manga does. True with your own twist but this is ground that's been seen before and that's what had been bothering me for a while.

The characterisation is still good and the original bits of the plot are good but let's get to where you're going.

Jade
Jade Tatsu chapter 18 . 11/3/2005
I finally got around to reading this... mostly.

I like the humanity that you have given the people, especially the scientists and such. I'm still not sold on the idea of Murakami having a son but... meh. The idea that Agito can be nice is also startling but interesting in it's own way and you really have a good grasp on Aptom. It's great to see his insanity played out so well because he's such a fun character.

You're probably already aware of it but the (pluses) for telepathy aren't coming out completely correctly due to ffnet's stripping of characters. I usually find that dollar signs or minus signs work now, although the minuses didn't used to work but I think FFnet changed a few things. Having the italics there is good though and sorry to talk about weird things but the readibility of each chapter is important to me.

It is good to see the events of the manga played out a little differently and given where you are up to it promises to be action packed in future.

Good luck with writing and thank you for sharing with us.
AlphaO chapter 18 . 11/2/2005
very nice. but hot pink? i understand the implications behind it and all so i wont argue the fact. i like the story. gives me ideas about my own story.
Mares Guyver chapter 1 . 9/25/2005
This is a very interesting story you have here, my friend. I like how oyu've elaborated on some of the more "human" elements of the Guyver lore, as many of these stories tend to just have copious amounts of gore, action, and violence. You, on the other hand, have shown us rare sides to the characters that I truly appreciate. The idea of giving Murakami a son is quite unique, evoking a dichotomy with Sho and his father that you've explored quite well. It seems an interesting twist of fate that it will be the son, rather than the father, that gets turned to the dark side this time. Will Kenji become the Guyot-replacement, Imakarum, that his father ended up being in the manga? Time will only tell.

I also like your exploration into the heart of Guyver's dark prince, Agito Makishima. Like Gendo Ikari in Evangelion, too many times has Agito simply been brushed aside as a heartless bastard (something I'm often guilty of), but somewhere inside of him too beats a human heart. Once upon a time, Agito wanted nothing more than to live a normal life, but fate has forced him to become something much darker in order to survive. I love how you've shown us this new side to Agito that we've never seen before, and I hope to see it come out more in future chapters.

Great work with this story so far, Cyblade. Thanks for your support on my own effort, and keep up the good work!

Best wishes,

Mares Guyver
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