|Reviews for Shards of the Past|
| Cefor chapter 12 . 11/17/2009
Hey, awesome story DSK.
I was wondering if you're thinking of continuing this at all? It's been a long time.
| Me chapter 12 . 3/16/2008
This story is great, but where's Chapter 13, eh?
| Beserkians fury chapter 12 . 11/16/2007
Dude you really need to update faster. I like it but... I really need to know what happens next! PLEASE!
| 1angelette chapter 3 . 10/10/2007
You've written an FFTA-based work that probably takes place during the game, but it's difficult to tell, because Marche has no personality whatsoever; you don't have much of an interesting premise at all; you've stolen adorable Marche/Ritz from me; and you called Ritz a redhead, although you did at least have the courtesy to use the term Crimson.
Why in the heavens SHOULDN'T I give up on this already?
| a very anry Matt chapter 12 . 9/15/2007
UPDATE NOW! sorry i like that story alot, it makes Llendar likeable (sorry if it's incorrectly spelled), anyways... UPDATE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY! LOL
| Min the Noodle chapter 12 . 2/26/2007
Wow- that was INTENSE. This chapter was definitely worth the wait! I love your writing and was so excited to see that you updated! Spectacular as always!
| Grammar Sage chapter 12 . 1/31/2007
I violently hack and slash my way through the zombie minions of Real Life, dashing enemies left and right, fighting the incooperative software of for the chance to review my pearl of FFTA. Yes! Victory is mine!
Though I may have gotten carried away, yes, it is true. Sage is here, Sage is feeling eloquent, and Sage has managed a home internet connection. I'm back and I'm bad! Yeah!
Prepare for a NitPick Review like none you have ever seen!
(( Marche decided it would be best to rest another night before beginning their search for Llednar’s base. The clan agreed heartily and sought shelter at the Inn of the Wandering Jester, on the western edge of the city, for the night. ))
Aha! As Fluffy from the Pit Of Discarded Errors knows, using the same noun, adjective or adverb close together causes rifts in the space-time continumulumum. Also exploding heads. Please, the carpet is valuable and brains are so hard to vacuum up... just use "evening" instead of "night" in one of these cases...
The little committee board in my head, created just to review DarkSoccerKnight's fanfics, is performing basic scanning now. Punctuation, grammar, and dialogue levels seem normal and all OK.. but what's this? A blip on the Boredom Screen? It appears as if a paragraph of your story wasn't as interesting as would be expected from this stellar author. Investigating now.
((Though he could not have seen it by night, the Inn of the Wandering Jester was actually perched on a rise, as were all the buildings of the outer rings of Baguba. The city’s epicenter, the Mar Ivalissa, sparkled like a jewel in an ivory stone. Around its keyhole-shaped shore, the ancient Moogles had begun to build their city. The buildings nearest to the water were arranged in a tight semi-circle, bounding the Mar Ivalissa until it joined with Oceana Ivalissa. From there, the buildings spread outward in rings of ever-increasing size. Between each ring, and between each building in the ring, streets shot outward like the spokes of a carriage-wheel. And so, from Marche’s vantage, it appeared like a half-circle of blindingly white, marble squares arrayed in shockingly neat formation, which extended all the way from the water’s edge to the boundary of Materiwood in the north, the Jeraw Sands in the west, and the marshlands surrounding the Ulei River to the south. Strangely, there was no retaining wall surrounding the city; rather, a huge wall rose out of the middle of the arc, at least three stories taller than the tallest building on either side of the wall. Its shadow in the early-morning sun stretched five blocks west at its smallest point, and nearly ten at its widest. ))
The committee is sorry for the massic quote, and begs forgiveness, but the point had to be made.
(( “Marche, kupo!” Montblanc chirped. He looked chipper, and his red antenna bobbed enthusiastically as he stood on his chair and waved. ))
There's no error here, but I thought you should know that there is a rapidly growing sect of people who believe that the moogle antenna-thing-bobbler is called a bonbon. Will you join them?
(( It suddenly tasted dry, and he set it on the table in disgust. He suddenly had the urge to leave. ))
Hah! Again, Fluffy roars from her underground lair, where she feasts on grammatical errors. The repeat 'suddenly's tasted delicious.
(( Marche glanced at them momentarily before turning his attention back to his adversary. But she had disappeared! ))
Ah! Too corny. Sounds like a kid's book. How about a double-space and 'But she was gone.', if you want more drama.
(( Cold fire lashed into his mind, and he screamed and reeled at the unexpected attack on his mind. ))
Fluffy growls happily.
Holy crap. The description of Marche going full Biskmatar there sent shivers down my spine. Incredible writing, DarkSoccerKnight, and a salutation of extreme porportions. Also the language with Ultima Magic, the crystal fusion, and the LYKE SO AWESOME blastination of Marche's biskmatar fireball. Whew! What a great read!
This was a stellar chapter, DarkSoccerKnight. I was afraid it was just a "routine operations" update when I read the beginning, but getting to the second half of the chapter changed my mind. Five stars, my good man, and a partridge in a pear tree. Huzzah!
Keep up the excellent writing. Good luck, and good work.
| RolandtheWicked chapter 12 . 1/25/2007
No! short chapterbad! Don't make it too short, but not as long as this. There were several parts near the end that I had to read over a couple of times before I actually understood. Mainly when the fight with the powered up assassin started. You're description of baguba is incredible, I being a moogle and viera person, saw it fitting for a moogle made city. Excellent job on this chapter, good use of words.
| RolandtheWicked chapter 11 . 1/12/2007
Wow, this has such a good plot to it. I cant wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work, it's really amazing.
| Lightning Samurai chapter 11 . 9/4/2006
Hey dude, you got a damn nice story here! Get your fingers typing and update ASAP!
| Icey the Fox chapter 11 . 7/16/2006
Oh, intrigue! Awesome, awesome chapter. Ah loves it! Now for an actual review:
Okay, I like the fact that you're REALLY getting down to business with a storyline with an ending in sight. Really cool.
I was a bit confused at the beginning of the chapter as to Kain's identity. When you mentioned that he was "the sage with the spear", I figured that he was a dragoon or a templar. I might have missed something or just not picked up on it. Either way, it's just a bit confusing.
Mwahahaha, oh, you're headed to Baguba! I really hope that you manage to describe it as well as you did Cadoan. As a moogle-lover, it's my favourite city (in other words, do a good job, OR ELSE!)
One thing you did very well in this chapter which most authors are really lacking in is the body language. Kain was right: "Little is said, and yet so much is meant with every glance or shrug." Very good job with that, keep it up.
Well, I hope the next chapter comes up soon. I still think that this is the best story under the FFTA section, and I can't wait.
Icey the Fox
| Grammar Sage chapter 11 . 7/10/2006
Like, wow. Update. *cracks knuckles* It is time for excessively nit-picky reviews to rule the world!
Wow. I've forgotten how excellent a writer you are, DarkSoccerKnight. Just reading this chapter was a breath of fresh air. May I commend you on your excellent sense of both solemn yet interesting speech, and the marvelous way you wield your acronyms? Thank you. Sorry if this review seems a bit odd, but the stories I read tend to affect my writing.
A Ninja named Kain. I like the name Kain. You seemed to make it obvious that he is working for the Queen... almost too obvious. Hmm. I don't have enough clues to start guessing yet, but I will proceed to analyze anything you write after this for scraps of information on Kain's employer.
Your flow is quite good. Occasionally you use too many comma-broken sentences, (a recurring problem in my own most humble writing). Make sure to look at that, though it's hardly a massive error in light of so many mistakes I and other writers make all the time.
(( She sighed sadly as she felt the warmth of the liquor spread through her body, even as the cold of worry and sadness overtook it in a wash as soon as she looked at him. ))
(By the way, the last word on that quote was italicized.)
Okay, is it just me that thinks that this sentence makes it painfully obvious that she has some sort of infatuation with Marche? You might want to work around/through/past that, or make sure you never use misleading word flows like that again.
Urk... Marche seems to have some mental problems with Sarai's death. I personally think that seeing a vision of her in the pub is over the top. (After all, he's a battle-hardened warrior, and you mentioned yourself that he's had some of his clan members die. Would one single death affect him this much?)
(( Horace chuckled. "Always the sage with the spear, you are." ))
I'm afraid I don't really understand this. "A sage with a spear." Is this referring to the actual class of Sages, the Nu Mou element-warping mages? Or does it mean that Kain is very intelligent with a spear? Or does it have a purely metaphorical meaning, like: "Someone old and wise and kind but using a large and powerful weapon," i.e., "Speak softly and carry a big stick"?
One other thing. It's been so long since you last updated that I for one had no idea who your clan characters were. Perhaps you should semi-describe them as you mention them, for intance,
(( "Why in the name of heaven should we jump off a cliff?" asked Azimov incredulously, smoothing out his Alchemist robes and brushing dust out of his fur. "We already have the remote." ))
Just a suggestion.
Erm. Look, I'm sorry, but did you really need to make Marche's clan be called Clan Ragnarok? The default name is Nutsy, which (although mundane) is at least something everybody recognizes. I nearly passed your story by the first time because the summary went something along the lines of-
"With the giant dam in sight, will Clan Ragnarok manage to defeat..."
Which sounded like a muchly clichéd story. Perhaps you should change the name? I dunno... but I think it's unnecessary OCness.
I better get off this thing before this review becomes so large that you don't even read it. Thank you for updating, DarkSoccerKnight, and please do this again! Good luck, and good work.
| Icey the Fox chapter 10 . 4/12/2006
Alright, I still love this story, so, SO much. You're amazing at writing the fight scenes, and your language is extremely artful, poetic and poetic. There are only a couple things that I need to recomend.
Okay, first of all, slow down with the similes! I mean, they're beautiful, well thought-out, and appropriate for your setting, but seriously, you've got way too many of them in there. I'm not saying that you shouldn't put them in; quite the opposite, they give your story charm, but they are too many. Cut back a small bit.
Second, cut back on the drama at some parts. As soon as something weird happens, everyone's suddenly depressed, freaked out and somber. I liked the beginning, with Nume and Sharu, where it was relatively light-hearted. Maybe you should try going back a bit to that, with happiness a bit. I understand that there needs to be seriousness, but it needs to have balance.
Overall, you're still the best writer I've read on the net, and that's nothing to sneeze at. Keep it up, and, please, please, UPDATE please!
| The King of Kings chapter 10 . 3/28/2006
dude...that was great...i'm on my toes for chapter 11...hurr up and post it cuz you're pretty good at this...ur my inspiration to write better
| Grammar Sage chapter 10 . 2/23/2006
So far, so good. And yet... several questions.
Marche's soul was corrupted, because he saw the flow of time. Just like Lednar.
Marche never saw the flow of time, or the future. The only "warping" kind of thing he did was to pass from Ivalice to Magic Ivalice. Now, that might entail time-travel, and therefore corrupt him and enable him to use the power of a Biskmatar. But, personally, I think a the word for the power that Lednar and Marche have wouldn't be time. That's confusing.
The sixth Totema idea is good. But, I think you should have made sure everyone knew you were changing Lednar's past. In FFTA, Lednar is an incarnation of Mewt's anger and violence, created by Remidi. In your story, he's an ancient warrior, given power by the destruction of an ancient Totema. I wish you had put up a notice telling everyone that you were changing that, because it confused me. I was trying to fit your story into what I knew from the game.
I still don't understand where the second crystal is. Was it the key that Sarai used? Was it somehow attached to Sarai's blood? Help me out here.
Marche lost to Lednar, even though he was winning. Why? What spell did Lednar use? If you explain it later on, and it's something Lednar brings up, that's all good and well. But if Lednar merely took Marche out when he saw an opening, you'll definitely need to explain.
Sorry to be so critical. If it helps, I tend to be more critical the better the author is, so you're getting the brutal treatment. *smiles sagely*
So, overall. You write a good story, with excellent characters and incredible detail. But, in your haste to work through your storyline, your've blazed over some important details and left the reader to wonder. Help us innocent others out!
Can't wait to see Ch. 11!