|Reviews for Better Chance|
| Fiery Ronin chapter 3 . 11/30/2014
Dumbledore ordered Snape to kill him, not that he died hating Snape
| isis424 chapter 6 . 11/18/2014
| Guest chapter 4 . 2/8/2013
the YYH-tachi feel very ooc to me...
| kaori and yoshi chapter 6 . 8/28/2011
wow! i wonder what genkai has in mind? what expiraments? EEE! this is so interesting!
| SeaweedBrainVon chapter 6 . 5/25/2010
Haha, love that mock-bowing to Kurama part at the end n.n People are a little ooc, but it's funny. This stories pretty interesting so far, I really wish you'd continue it soon! There are quite a few mistakes, but I as I was reading some of the comments others sent you, I decided they've pretty much covered the basic correction to be made and I was too lazy to type them up :)
| GeeEs chapter 4 . 4/25/2010
1st paragraph: Should say "some Order members" not "some aurors". Remus and the Weasleys are not aurors. Also, the second sentence doesn't sit right. You just list them. Instead, maybe you should have a couple sentences, implying who's there and who's doing what. For example:
Moody, Tonks, and Shacklebolt were in the corner, discussing how best to protect the three teens while they were in Japan. Harry caught a reference to an "Adrietta Ward", whatever that. And in the kitchen, he could hear Mrs. Weasley whipping up a batch of something to take with them while lecturing Ron on how to behave as a proper guest. Mr. Weasley had pulled an old beat up computer mouse from his muggle collection in the basement, and Hermione was avidly watching Dumbledore create the mass-transit portkey and likely asking question after question on portkey theory. Harry turned at a tap on his shoulder, "Harry, are you sure about this?" Remus Lupin asked, "It's half a world away. I know you don't like the Dursleys, but you don't have to do this. You could stay somewhere else-maybe Headquarters if Professor Dumbledore still has it under Fidelius-"
"Moony, don't worry so much. Dumbledore trusts this Genkai. I'm sure it'll be fine."
"Alright, gather round, and hold on tight." Dumbledore held out the portkey. A password later, and the Burrow was empty.
- This way, all the names were listed, we know they all took the portkey, and we got to see them interact a little.
"the red-haired man, whom Harry had decided must be evil since he was in the evil-looking shop."
- Harry's kinda shallow isn't he. But that's canon. He's just been proven right about Malfoy and Snape, so he has no reason to mature past seeing everything as good or evil, or looking past first impressions.
"seeing as it was already noon now."
- It took from dawn to noon to climb only half the stairs?
"the greasy-haired man"
"the greasy-haired boy"
- Firstly, the description is too similar to Snape. Plus his hair isn't greasy. It's slicked-back (on purpose). Also, this is inconsistent. Is he a man or a boy? (Well, I guess it could be consistent if you had multiple view-points. Harry sees someone older that him and considers him a man, maybe, while Moody would see some boy or punk.)
"Guests are bad! Very, very bad! All our secrets will be exposed! We'll be ridiculed as we walk down the streets!"
- First off, Yusuke wouldn't be ridiculed. He'd be able to show he's even more "kick-ass" than before. Second, Kurama went up the stairs around dawn. This argument should have finished long before noon. Thirdly, Yusuke and the others should be able to feel the wizards approaching and not speak in their hearing. Especially since Kurama warned them the wizards were coming.
- I'd be okay with this line if Genkai subsequently smacked him over the head, called him Dimwit and told him to quit fooling around and stop being so overly-dramatic.
"grandma will put you in her E.B.C. for a month if you don't at least be nice to them for the few minutes that they're here. "
- Yusuke's giving up an advantage? This line basically means that Yusuke's told *strangers* that Hiei (his ally) has to be nice to them. That's like Harry saying that Remus is allergic to silver - it's exposing a weakness to a potential enemy. And Yusuke should be smarter than that.
URAMESHI!" the orange-haired man yelled, "STOP IT!"
- "Stop it" is very weak. He ought to yells something a bit stronger, like "Knock it off, Urameshi!". Plus, I don't think he'd "try to ignore" Yusuke. He'd probably punch him for poking him.
Kuwabara shouldn't be too freaked out by Tonk's hair changing. After all, Kurama's goes silver... I think. And Yusuke's grows out and he gets tattoos all over in demon form (unless this is earlier in the series).
Kurama and Hiei traded mischievous glances.
Yusuke began to slowly back away, until Kurama and Hiei began chuckling.
- Neither action is really in character. I'd imagine Kurama being all "Of course, I wouldn't Yusuke" innocently (too innocently). And Hiei just staring back at Yusuke, until Yusuke decides they're joking.
"Who is You-Know-Who?"
- They should actually say something more like "No I don't know who." It isn't really obvious to an outsider that "You-know-who" is a title rather than the normal "you know who I mean".
"I wonder how they will be trained against a foe that their trainers no not of."
- Either "know not of" or "know naught of". And if you wanted to follow strict grammar rules, sentences shouldn't end in prepositions.
| GeeEs chapter 3 . 4/25/2010
Okay, um, I think Dumbledore got off too easily. A choice like that-there ought to be some sort of price. Some sacrifice he has to make to be allowed to return back to life just like that. Instead, Koenma just offers to send him back *and* give Harry help without anything in return. If you were to edit this story in the future, I'd suggest some sort of dilemma for Dumbledore-does he continue on and see his sister, or stay behind and finish cleaning up his mistake (Voldemort).
Also, if LV's killing people is causing problems for Spirit World, Koenma should be a little more familiar with magic, instead of needing a reminder. (Also, if you wanted to add a bit of humor, you could have Jorge bringing another chair, interrupting Koenma, or perhaps colliding with Dumbledore as he's leaving the office. After all, he doesn't know Dumbledore conjured a chair.)
Moody's point of view is interesting. He seems perfectly okay with passing their problems with LV off to some foreigner(s) he's never met. No "LV's our problem, we should be the one to fix it" or "This is our juristiction. The British Wizarding World's the best. If we're having problems there's no way some woman from Japan's gonna make a difference." Given the Pureblood arrogance, and the "Hogwart's the best school in the world", I'd've expected at least some ethnocentrism. Also, when did Hermione learn of the prophecy?
| GeeEs chapter 2 . 4/25/2010
Um... you need better questions for verifying Dumbledores identity. In most of the fics I read, the questions characters ask are not secret enough. For example, one fic I read had HP verifying Lupin's identity by asking him his nickname (Moony), as though Wormtail wouldn't know it. (Sometimes Sirius sends HP a letter with "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" as the password, as though Wormtail couldn't intercept it.)
1) Why did you award points to Neville at the end of our first year?
- Dumbledore awarded pts at the end of 1st year in front of the *entire school* for bravery, remarking that it is harder to stand up to friends.
2) "Where did you send Hagrid after the Triwizard Tournament and what did you hope to accomplish by this?"
- Everyone knows Hagrid wasn't present at the beginning of term. The giants sided with LV, so it's not a stretch to know that LV is also aware of Dumbledore's attempt to recruit the giants. Not to mention Rita wrote about Hagrid being a half giant (I think)
3)"What is it that you have always wanted for Christmas?"
- Good question. This was only between Dumbledore and HP. But this also assumes that Dumbledore was actually telling the true and not just joking about wanting socks. Perhaps the question should have been rephrased as (What did you *tell me* you wanted for Christmas?)
4) "What were you showing me last year every time we met in your office?"
- Good question. Especially since the answer wasn't something generic like "Giving you info to help you against LV".
5) Who was the other person who could have been the one who survived the killing curse from Voldemort?
- LV knows the answer too. He heard this part of the prophecy, and was the one who decided to pursue the Potters instead of/ before pursuing the Longbottoms.
Anyhow, I haven't gotten far enough into the story to review the content, but I like the caution that the Golden Trio and the Order are showing, and I liked the exchange of letters. I do wonder why the Golden Trio are the ones asking the questions. The Order had a habit of shutting them out of anything important in the past. Plus, I imagine Moody, as a friend of Albus' and as a paranoid ex-auror who likely has experience in interrogation, would want to ask questions of his own.
| Marikalay chapter 6 . 3/25/2010
Definitely interesting enough to catch my attention. Keep up the good work.
| misminor chapter 6 . 3/22/2010
its a great story tho i hav 2 wunder y u havent updated in so long
i hope u update soon :)
im dyin 2 no wat "experiment" kurama is doin :D
wunder if malfoy really will die breathin in the toxic makai air
| reader238 chapter 6 . 10/20/2009
this is a great story why havent you updated it please do it soon pwease i want to read more
| Reading wanderer chapter 6 . 10/13/2009
my thoughts on this are: is Malfoy going to be in trouble, why those songs, and why is everyone crazy? other than that I'm fine. the story idea is good & you seem to know what your doing
| Myra the Dovahkiin chapter 6 . 4/11/2009
great story. keep writing. update soon. I can't wait to read more! This is getting interesting.
Why were Yusuke & Kurama acting strange. -snickers- Be funny if somehow Harry, Hermoine, & Ron went to Makai for training and meet Jin, Touya, Chu, Rinku, Shishiwakamaru, & Suzuka.
They wouldn't be able to understand Jin.
| loretta537 chapter 6 . 4/1/2009
this isa good story, i hope to read more soon
| 0.o person chapter 6 . 12/22/2008
this is really good. the only thing that i can think of that could be fixed is i'm pretty surton that king Enma should be out of office, and Koemna should be incharge of SW.i don't know how it unfolded in the anime, but in the manga, Enma was found guilty of mindwiping lower class demons, and banished from SW. of course, this was after the three kings arc, which was when Yusuke was fired and quite at the same time.
two Q,what is Kuramas experiment, and will Draco play a bigger part in this story? update so i get to know the answers. BLUEBARRY MUFFINS ROCK!