|Reviews for Pendant of Memories|
| dahliadenoire chapter 1 . 12/26/2007
Zidane has a tail. zidane has a tail
| RoyalFanatic chapter 1 . 12/8/2005
hm...a very interesting story, but quite a few drawbacks. I'll point out what I saw, and hopefully it will help:
1. The beginning paragraph (wait...is it even a paragraph? ') has a lot of problems. "It was a dark at the kingdom of Alexandria." Did you mean a dark night, or it was dark? Some punctuation problems too; there are places where periods and commas should be, so you don't have an insane run-on sentence that chases the readers away.
2. Hm...there's dialog, but no background information. Where are Cid and the others talking? It seems that parts of the story were rushed (personally, I think this the strongest at the long dialog part of the chapter, but hey, that's just me.) More background would be nice.
3. Was there any reason for switching the POV? It probably would've been easier to say: 'Yes, we'll see each other again. Just wait a little longer...I'll be back before you know!' thought Zidane as the airship blah blah blah. But once again, this is just me.
4. Again, as we reach the ending, it seems rushed. Take your time, don't fret about when you have to post it. If you like it, then that helps us as the readers like it too. (I don't know how or why, but I think it will. Won't it? Come on people, back me up here! XD )
Anyway, please takes these notes into consideration, and I apologize if this is too long. I'm normally quiet, but when I start talking, man, I talk!
| Ultima's Angel chapter 1 . 10/21/2005
I don't do flames so everything I say is 100% constructive. The problem here is that before a reader can even get into the storyline you've got a muddled up tense.
The past tense- " Princess Garnet was walking at the garden"
The present- "She approaches the bench and sits"
Stick to one tense or it's hard for a reader to understand your story.
You should also proof read your work and use a dictionary :)
A little tip for you is a common thing I keep going on about lol... less of the dialogue, more of the background knowledge and descriptions. You want the reader to care about your story/characters.
Anyway, once you've sorted stuff out then you can start on your story.
Again I stress I'm not attacking you, I'm just giving you my honest opinion on what you've written and I hope you take what I've said on. :D